Goat In The Meze: A farcical look at Greek life (The Greek Meze Series Book 1)

by Katerina Nikolas

  “Come I a show you one of my fields. These olive trees are so old they is almost Greek ruins,” Adonis laughed as he pointed out the difference between the trees which produced olives for olive oil and olives for eating. “Before the olive ‘arvest these trees are a laden with fruits, but now they is empty.”

  Deirdre took one of the few olives left on a tree and tried it as she loved olives. Her face puckered up in disgust at the bitter taste and Adonis told her “Did-Rees no eat olives straight from tree, they need a lot of work to make ‘em eatable. Come my friends we ‘ave time to take tour of old olive press before we stop for eating lunch.”

  Chapter 30

  Bartering the Doctor’s Bill

  As Adonis, Quentin and Deirdre were off on their jollies it was business as usual back in Astakos. At Stavroula’s taverna Gorgeous Yiorgos tried to explain what a McDonalds was as he had seen one of those fast food junk food shops on a trip to Athens. Stavroula bribed him with the offer of a free brandy laced coffee to head off on his moped to the nearest supermarket to see if he could find anything resembling processed junk food. He returned with a packet of frozen octopus which was of no utter use at all.

  Stavroula confided her dilemma to her neighbour old Mrs Kolokotronis who said she had just the thing in her own freezer, a special treat she kept for when her young grandson visited from Athens. Stavroula was quite ecstatic with relief as she exchanged the frozen octopus with Mrs Kolokotronis’ mystery parcel, asking Gorgeous Yiorgos to translate the English printed cooking instructions.

  The pharmacist Vangelis came in for a quick gossip as everyone liked to discuss the ailments of his customers. Vangelis had never quite grasped the idea of ‘confidential’ and happily gave away the secrets of the various symptoms the locals were suffering from. Everyone soon knew the old fool Vasilis had been in with a prescription for Viagra and that Bald Yannis from the hardware shop was trying out a new hair growing remedy to try and fix his baldness. He even revealed the American woman Did-Rees had been in for a packet of travel sickness pills before she would get back in the car with Adonis.

  Fat Christos waved as he walked past clutching a large bag of spinach pies from the bakery. He was on his way to a doctor’s appointment as he was suffering from a nasty case of recurring indigestion. Fat Christos was the rather reluctant suitor of Tassia. He had been courting her for the last fourteen years, but was in no hurry to marry as he still lived at home with his indulgent mother, Stavroula’s neighbour Mrs Kolokotronis, even though he had just celebrated his fiftieth birthday.

  Tassia was no oil painting, nor had she mastered the domestic goddess routine. She had rather a reputation for keeping a dirty house. She owned her own house following the death of her father and she stood to inherit her uncle’s supermarket, which was her main attraction to Fat Christos.

  Fat Christos was quite lazy and liked being looked after by his mother who was pathetically indulgent of her only boy’s every wish. She still chose all his clothes and made appointments for his regular haircuts at the beauty parlour. He had never needed to learn how to sweep and mop a floor, make a bed, cook a meal or do his own laundry. In return the income from his fishing supplemented her meagre pension. The only way he could afford to marry Tassia was if she kept him, but he was doubtful she would look after him as well as his mother did.

  Entering the doctor’s waiting room Fat Christos greeted Bald Yannis who was scratching a rather revolting red rash on his bald head. He’d had a nasty allergic reaction to the specially patented bald remedy sold to him by Vangelis the chemist. Bald Yannis was hoping the doctor would accept a credit note to his hardware store in lieu of a cash payment for his treatment, while Fat Christos hoped to settle his own bill with the freshly caught octopus he had secreted about his person.

  Chapter 31

  The Lemoni Spiti

  After a lovely drive through the Greek countryside and a quick tour of an old olive mill Adonis pulled into the small fishing village of Gavros, named for anchovies, for a late lunch. “Before the road he come the only way to get here from Astakos was by boat or donkey,” Adonis mused. “It would have taken all day, but see ‘ow quickly my pick-up got us ‘ere.”

  “It is such a beautiful spot,” said Deirdre, tucking into olives, a freshly made white bean fasolada soup and fried anchovies. “It seems a very quaint custom to name all the villages after fish or vegetables.”

  “Don’t forget animals,” Quentin added, remembering that the road kill goat had disappeared from the village of Katsiki.

  “We also ‘ave the onion, cabbage, leek and lettuce villages nearby,” Adonis told them. “I think they ‘ave ‘ow you say the character. In your country you just call everything new, with your New York, New Jersey, New England. ‘Ere in Greece everything is old and ruined. After lunch I take you to very special ruin yous will love.”

  Quentin and Deirdre loved pottering about in Greek ruins and ancient sites. They hoped the ruin Adonis promised would be an amphitheatre or a temple of historical interest.

  Two hours later they were most surprised when they pulled up outside an old village house with an overgrown garden in Rapanaki, the neighbouring village to Astakos.

  “See this beautiful ruin,” beamed Adonis “it ‘as everything you need with a three bedrooms, kitchen and even the inside bathroom. Over the wall you ‘ave a nice quiet old lady Fotini, in fact she is mother to Prosperous Pedros. She won’t a keep you up all night with noisy wild parties. Garden is bigly and ‘as lots of lemon trees, but you could chainsaw ‘em down and put in a swimming pool. This ‘ouse is a bargain, what you call a steal.”

  “But we don’t want to buy a house,” Quentin said.

  “Nonsense,” Adonis replied “everyone loves to ‘ave Greek ‘ouse to call ‘ome. This ‘ouse very special and called ‘Lemoni Spiti.’ With a bit of imagination this ‘ouse be most impressive.”

  A thin old lady clad from head to foot in black was perched precariously atop a three-legged wooden olive tree ladder, peering over the wall with a scowl on her face. She hissed at Adonis “what you doing here you malaka Adoni?”

  “I am a showing K-Went-In and Did-Rees from America this ‘ouse,” Adonis told her “maybe they will be yous new neighbours.”

  Fotini dashed indoors with remarkable speed to telephone her son Prosperous Pedros, telling him to come and remove the foreign intruders. She cursed and spat in annoyance when he did not answer his phone.

  “Well we may as well take a look as we’re here,” Quentin said, quite captivated by the beautiful mountain views with the sea in the distance. The stone work was old but showed signs of excellent craftsmanship. They picked their way through overgrown nettles to reach the back door which opened into a dilapidated kitchen full of stray kittens.

  “See yous ‘ave yous very own fireplace in the kitchen and all these cats mean there won’t be any mouses.” The thick layer of dust made Deirdre cough and she noticed even the stray cats were looking a bit dusty.

  “Come see the balconies and bedrooms,” Adonis invited. Quentin thought it was rather magnificent he could stand on the balcony and pick an orange from the tree beneath.

  “That is a ridiculously low price,” Quentin whistled when Adonis told him how much cash the owners wanted for it. Adonis agreed, thinking the commission he could earn would be as nearly as much as the price of this ruin.

  “And I borrow you my builders to make all sound,” he offered “they do very good things with shower curtains.”

  Deirdre hoped Quentin was just being polite and was not seriously considering buying this run down ruin of a house in a foreign country. She reminded Quentin they had to get back as Stavroula had promised to cook them McDonalds tonight.

  Driving away Adonis spied the old lady next door making obscene gestures from her window in his rear view mirror.

  Chapter 32

  Stomach Stapling or Death

  Bald Yannis was lurking in the back of his hardware shop, hoping no one would catch him illega
lly siphoning off gas from the full gas bottles he had for sale into empty bottles. If any malaka came in with a lighted cigarette Bald Yannis risked being blown up. He was in a bad mood as the useless doctor had lectured him on being too vain with his hair restoration attempts and had prescribed him some greasy ointment which smelt strongly of vinegar.

  Fat Christos entered the hardware shop only to hear Bald Yannis screaming at him to wait as he was busy. Fat Christos had also received a lecture from the village doctor who pointed out the very obvious fact that Christos was now unhealthily obese. He had even gone so far as to confiscate Fat Christos’ bag of spinach pies. The doctor told him in no uncertain terms he must lose weight at once or he could drop down dead of a fatal heart attack at any moment.

  The doctor told him if he could lose twenty kilos through diet and exercise he may consider the much easier surgical option of stomach stapling to help Fat Christos lose even more weight. He wouldn’t even contemplate the surgical option until he shifted the first twenty kilos though. The prospect was a gloomy one to Fat Christos whose idea of exercise was walking to the bakery to buy more pies.

  Fat Christos decided he would try to lose twenty kilos and then have his stomach stapled, as he wanted to live a long life and realised he had let himself go. The price of the operation was a large brown envelope he could not easily afford and the doctor refused to accept the promise of octopus or lobster instead of cash. Of course he realised he would save a small fortune by not buying any pies and souvlaki, but the bribe to the doctor was still a large sum.

  His thoughts turned to Tassia and her impending inheritance, as her uncle the supermarket owner was fast approaching ninety. If he married Tassia she would be sure to pay the brown envelope bribe to the doctor once he got his hands on her land and olive trees. Once her old uncle pegged it they would be very rich. The thought of being both thin and rich inspired Fat Christos to step up his game in the courtship stakes and convince Tassia his intentions were finally serious.

  “Hurry up there Yanni,” Fat Christos called “I’m in a rush you know.” Bald Yannis appeared from the back of the shop, frantically scratching his spotty scalp and muttering malaka under his breath.

  “I want a ladies dress and a nice plant pot. Better make that ceramic and not plastic,” Fat Christos requested, planning to fill the pot with a plant and present it to Tassia along with the dress. Usually he would turn up with sweet cakes from the bakery when wooing Tassia but he was resolved to put all temptation out of harm’s way. “Make that a heavy pot,” he added, deciding he would use the pot as a form of weight lifting as he took the long route to Tassia’s on foot.

  “Is that gas I can smell?” he asked, watching Bald Yannis hastily disappear to the back of the shop.

  Chapter 33

  A Wedding Proposal

  Tassia paid a lot of the money to the dentist to have her teeth straightened but despite her efforts Fat Christos remained her only suitor.

  An honest and pleasant woman with deep brown eyes and a fair complexion, Tassia had spent most of her child bearing years looking after her cantankerous father. She had no idea the selfish old man had chased away any potential suitors apart from Fat Christos. The old man had reluctantly welcomed Fat Christos as he kept him supplied with free octopus. Now with the old man buried Tassia was desperate to be married as she longed for a baby. Time was still on her side as she was a good ten years younger than her only beau.

  It was true she had a reputation for keeping a dirty house but her tight fisted father had deprived her of all the essentials of modern housework, refusing to invest in a vacuum cleaner, washing machine or indoor oven. He expected her to scrub floors and wash clothes by hand, while baking bread in the outdoor wood oven.

  She had no idea until after he was dead that he was worth lots of money. When she discovered his bags of buried coins she cursed his memory and went straight out to buy an indoor cooker, a washing machine, refrigerator, deep freezer and vacuum cleaner. Her true love was the garden though and she only really felt happy as she tended her vegetables and flowers while dreaming of babies.

  As she watered her exquisite rose bushes she wondered if Fat Christos was really serious about her. Without a ring on her finger she worried she would miss out on the bliss of her own baby. She was surprised to see Fat Christos arrive bearing a ceramic plant pot brimming with a fragrant basil plant. Usually he only brought her sweet cakes, and then ate most of them himself.

  “Things must change my dearest Tassia,” Fat Christos announced, handing her the plant. “I have decided to diet and lose all this blubber so I will look more ‘andsome standing beside you in my wedding suit. That’s if yous will ‘ave me Tassia,” he added, belatedly going down on one knee in a muddy puddle.

  Tassia could not fail to notice her suitor made no declaration of love as she weighed up his unromantic proposal. “Oh I almost forgot I have another gift for you,” said Fat Christos, handing over the hideous old lady dress.

  Tassia considered the dress a most thoughtful gesture and her heart warmed towards her suitor. She decided to be honest and told him she was willing to marry him if he promised they could have a baby right away. “Of course my dearest, whatever your heart desires,” Fat Christos agreed, feeling satisfied things were going to plan and Tassia would soon fill a brown envelope with the cash bribe for his life saving stomach stapling surgery.

  “I would take yous to the taverna to celebrate our engagement but I’ve already started my diet and won’t be eating,” said Fat Christos.

  “We aren’t really engaged yet as yous forgot to put a ring on my finger,” Tassia mentioned.

  “My dearest I apologise profusely, I am so hungry I cant’s think straight and forgot all about a ring. I promise to return tomorrow with a sparkling diamond and we will make our engagement official and set a wedding date.”

  “You can take me to the taverna to celebrate tomorrow,” Tassia said as she rarely went out in the evenings “and I will wear my lovely new dress and my new diamond ring.”

  With those determined words Fat Christos realised Tassia may not be quite as malleable as he’d hoped. He said goodbye as he needed to go home and break the news of his impending wedding to his mother. He could only imagine how heartbroken she would be at the thought of him leaving home. He expected she would be completely devastated, distraught and inconsolable.

  Chapter 34

  Stavroula Cooks McDonalds

  Quentin and Deirdre popped into ‘Mono Ellinka Trofima’ taverna to promise Yiota they would return for a nightcap after dining on McDonalds at Stavroulas. The tables were just filling up and the most delicious aromas of garlic and herbs filled the air.

  “I’m sorry yous will miss my little shoes tonight,” said Yiota, confusing the Americans who had yet to sample the traditional dish of papoutsakia. “I save yous some for tomorrow if yous like the stuffed aubergines.”

  The Americans took a table in Stavroulas, looking forward to the real taste of American cooking Stavroula had promised them. Waiting for their food to arrive they looked longingly at the platters of lamb chops that were leaving the kitchen and the plates of orange infused sausages, a local delicacy.

  Meanwhile in the kitchen Stavroula stared in horror at the frozen plastic coated lumps of chicken she had taken from the box Mrs Kolokotronis provided. She was clueless as to how to make them look edible.

  Scratching her head in amazement that anyone would prefer to eat these sad little pellets rather than good Greek cooking she sent Socrates out to assure the Americans the taste of fine dining would be on its way shortly. Socrates encouraged them to eat lots of bread with olive oil as he’d had the misfortune to take a look at the unappetizing food they would soon be receiving.

  Eventually Stavroula emerged from the kitchen brandishing a covered platter she deposited on the Americans table. Whipping the silver lid off with a flourish she presented them with a dozen green speckled fried chicken nuggets swimming in a sea of olive oil, saying “McDonal
ds.”

  She had liberally doused the nuggets with fresh oregano to make them appear more tempting. “How lovely,” the pair announced in unison, thinking this was the most awful meal they had ever seen in Greece.

  “They don’t look very thrilled,” Stavroula whispered to Socrates “but it does look really ‘orrrid.”

  “Don’t worry my love dove,” Socrates assured her “I hear in the United States they even eat the cheese out of an aerosol can, so their taste buds must be dead.”

  Vangelis the chemist was dining on lamb chops and offered to share them with the Americans when he saw how ghastly their meal looked. Vangelis had travelled to England and knew all about McDonalds. He tried to explain to Stavroula although chicken nuggets were on the children’s menu in the foreign fast food place these two adults had been expecting something like a hamburger.

  “Well I could have cooked them beeftkei if they’d said,” she complained, feeling unappreciated after all the trouble she had gone to.

  Stavroula was distracted by her neighbour old Mrs Kolokotronis entering the taverna in great excitement. Deirdre took advantage of the moment to wrap the greasy chicken nuggets in a napkin and stuff them in her handbag. She would find a bin on the way back to their room, having learnt her lesson about the dangers of flushing napkin wrapped unwanted food down the toilet.

  “Such wonderful news,” Mrs Kolokotronis announced “my son Christos is to be married to Tassia and will finally leave home. How I have longed for the day when the big lazy lump would move out but I truly believed it would never come. Stavroula, come take a drink with me to celebrate. After fifty years I am finally to be rid of him.”