Goat In The Meze: A farcical look at Greek life (The Greek Meze Series Book 1)

by Katerina Nikolas

  “Ah but your new daughter-in-law keeps a dirty house,” Stavroula reminded her sourly, still in a bad mood over the chicken nuggets.

  Chapter 35

  Late Evening Gossip

  Quentin and Deirdre called into ‘Mono Ellinka Trofima’ for a nightcap, confiding to Yiota that Stavroula’s attempts at American food had been a disaster. Deirdre had saved one chicken nugget to show Yiota who voiced her opinion “fast food will never catch on in this part of the world where people appreciate slow food.”

  Yiota failed to see the irony in this comment as she carried a plate of gyros, considered to be Greek fast food, to Tall Thomas. It couldn’t really be called ‘fast food’ at the slow speed it took Takis to produce it and Tall Thomas had been waiting impatiently for nearly an hour for his order.

  Gorgeous Yiorgos was at a loose end as his good friend Fat Christos had failed to turn up this evening. Spotting Quentin and Deirdre he decided to join them and fill them in all the latest village gossip. “Yassou K-Went-In and Did-Reesm” he said “’ave yous seen the noxious rash all over Bald Yannis’ head?”

  Everyone was most amused to hear about Bald Yannis’ rash and everyone agreed it served him right for being so vain.

  Gorgeous Yiorgos warned Deirdre to be very careful where she dried her smalls as the elusive underwear thief was still at large. Deirdre was most shocked to hear of this as she had no idea the village was in the midst of such a major crime wave. Her mind flashed back to the lacey strap she had spotted beneath Bald Yannis’ tee-shirt. However, just because the obnoxious man had obviously been wearing women’s underwear she had no reason at all to believe he had stolen it, so she kept her suspicions to herself.

  Gorgeous Yiorgos was kept busy translating as lots of the villagers wanted to know if the American pair were going to buy the ‘Lemoni Spiti’ in the neighbouring village of Rapanaki. News of their visit to the old ruin had got round quickly and opinion was divided as to whether they should go ahead with the purchase.

  While Gorgeous Yiorgos thought it may well fall down, Takis opined “if you borrow some builders to do it up goodly yous will make a tidy profit when you sell it.”

  “Or you could keep it as an ‘oliday home,” Toothless Tasos suggested “and keep pet goats in the garden.”

  Prosperous Pedros kept his opinion to himself, thinking it would definitely be to his own advantage if they bought it and his mother had some new neighbours. Perhaps Quentin would be useful at changing Fotini’s light bulbs and oiling her squeaky doors, thus reducing his own burden.

  “But we are only staying here until the car is repaired,” Deirdre explained, worrying Quentin was being swayed by the idea of buying the run down house with the spectacular views.

  Fat Christos made a late entrance. He had an announcement to make and wanted an audience. Waving away Yiota’s attempts to bring him food he requested a glass of tap water with a slice of lemon. He had no intention of announcing his engagement to Tassia until she was with him the next evening but he wanted everyone to know he was serious about losing twenty kilos quickly.

  Fat Christos had no inkling his mother had already broken the news of his impending marriage and was taken aback to receive everyone’s hearty congratulations. Everyone wanted to raise a toast to Fat Christos but he insisted on making do with his tap water.

  Sticking to the lie he had told Tassia, Fat Christos told everyone “I am on a diet to lose lots of weight and get ‘ealthy so I will look ‘andsomely dapper in my wedding suit.”

  He did not want everyone knowing the doctor had pronounced him morbidly obese, nor that he planned to have his stomach stapled. He had already started a new exercise regime by taking a late afternoon swim in the still chilly sea and not a morsel had passed his lips since the last spinach pie he had greedily scoffed in the doctor’s waiting room that morning.

  Fat Christos planned to get up very early and jog round the harbour before going fishing. He asked if anyone would like to join him as having a jogging partner might well provide extra motivation. Quentin offered up his company saying “I often go jogging back home in Idaho and will be delighted to join you Christo.”

  Sitting in the taverna surrounded by everyone eating, Fat Christos was not actually tempted to break his fast. His resolve to lose weight was sound as the doctor had actually scared him witless. Prosperous Pedros piped up Fat Christos should become a vegetarian like him and Fat Christos agreed that from now on he would give up meat and eat lots of horta and salad.

  “Does that mean you’ll be giving up goat or is it a vegetable?” Yiota enquired.

  Chapter 36

  A Morning Jog

  Bright and early the next morning Quentin and Fat Christos met up to jog around the harbour. Quentin thoughtfully slowed his pace to allow the larger man to keep up with him, encouraging him to keep at it when he showed signs of waning. Pouring with sweat Fat Christos looked quite a sight with his wobbling stomach protruding over his too tight shorts. Every few meters he collapsed on the ground panting and groaning, before hoisting himself up to continue the torture.

  As the village slowly came to life everyone they jogged past welcomed Quentin with a cheery “Kalimera K-Went-In,” making him reflect what a very friendly place Astakos was and how nice it would be to part of the community if he purchased the ‘Lemoni Spiti’ and got the borrowed builders in. He decided he would at least persuade Deirdre to take another look at the house.

  Bald Yannis cycled past them en route to his hardware shop, openly laughing very rudely at Fat Christos’ struggling attempts to stay upright. Bald Yannis sported a hat on his head this morning as he was fed up with the village folk making derogatory comments about his noxious itchy rash. In his pocket he had a brochure all about the latest hair transplant operations and was considering booking an appointment once his revolting rash cleared up.

  “A curse on that malaka doctor,” he said to himself “there is nothing vain in wanting a full head of hair.” Ironically Bald Yannis had been one of the first to laugh at the vanity of Gorgeous Yiorgos when he had started to disguise his greying hair very obviously with black boot polish.

  Collapsing in a sweaty heap Fat Christos said he could not jog one more step. Quentin revived him by pouring a bottle of water over his head and informing him they had made excellent progress by jogging a total of three kilometres. Fat Christos announced he was off home to jump on the scales and eat a breakfast of healthy carrots before going fishing.

  “Yous and Did-Rees must join me on boat tomorrow,” he invited, having appreciated the motivational support of his jogging partner.

  Fat Christos was disturbed to find his mother measuring up for new furniture in his bedroom. “When are you moving out my boy? Soon I hope,” Mrs Kolokotronis questioned him, adding “I think this room will make a lovely sewing room.”

  “I will set a date with Tassia later,” he told her, insulted to his core that his mother was not weeping and wailing at the prospect of his imminent departure. “There is no real rush after fourteen years of courting,” he said.

  “That’s not what Tassia said,” his mother retorted. “She wants a baby soon and it is high time you gave me another grandchild. I hardly ever see your sister’s son since they moved to Athens. I will have a word with the Pappas later and see when he can conduct the ceremony.”

  If his mother was going to turn into a nag perhaps it wouldn’t be so bad moving in with Tassia after all, thought Fat Christos, reminding himself to buy an engagement ring before the evening.

  His mother had a plateful of cheese pies from the bakery waiting to tempt him in the kitchen and Fat Christos suspected she could be trying to sabotage his diet. Declining the pies he grabbed a handful of carrots and headed off to the peaceful solitude of his boat.

  Chapter 37

  Mobile Refrigerated Fish Van Ahoy

  As Quentin headed back to their room above the taverna he was surprised to see his wife taking coffee with Adonis in Stavroula’s taverna. Deirdre had b
een fast asleep when he left for his jog with Fat Christos and he’d hoped to manage a quiet word with Adonis about a return visit to the ‘Lemoni Spiti’ out of her hearing.

  “Kalimera K-Went-In,” Adonis greeted him. Quentin started to respond “Actually it is Quen...” and then thought better of it as the whole village was seemingly determined to pronounce his name incorrectly.

  “I ‘ave the excellent news my good friend,” Adonis announced “my cousin Adonis the mechanic ‘as finished fixing the van of Petros the postman an’ will a make start on yous car as soon as he ‘ave the spare parts from Athens. Should not be more than a few days or maybe a week till the spare parts arrive.”

  This was the first time that Quentin and Deirdre had heard there would be a wait for spare parts. They resigned themselves to staying longer than they had planned in Astakos, yet were secretly delighted at the prospect of spending more time in the village. They loved the slow and relaxed pace of rural Greek life and were enjoying the company of their intriguing new friends.

  “We’ve been invited to go fishing tomorrow,” Quentin told Deirdre “and this evening we will join the celebration to mark the engagement of Christos and Tassia.”

  “There are lots of things to keep us busy,” the pair reassured Adonis, not realising he wanted to keep them around indefinitely so he could earn a large commission on the sale of the ruined ‘Lemoni Spiti.’

  “Oh look,” Deidre pointed as that old fool Vasilis rode up to Stavroulas on his donkey.

  “Ah I sees that old fool Vasilis ‘as ‘is donkey Onos back from Petros the postman,” Adonis muttered.

  Tethering the donkey outside Vasilis entered the taverna, ordering a glass of ouzo for himself and a saucer of ouzo for the donkey. Vasilis was in a remarkably good mood as having his donkey back had lifted his spirits.

  “Tomorrow my lovely wife Masha has the birthday and I want to invite yous all to a surprise party at my house,” Vasilis said, generously including Quentin and Deirdre in his invitation.

  “How delightful,” Deirdre replied, assuring him they would be there as she accepted Adonis’ invitation to drive them.

  Just then the peace of the morning was disturbed by lots of shouting and swearing on the street outside. Spotting Petros the postman driving by in his newly repaired car, and hoping to intercept him and retrieve a parcel he was waiting for, Tall Thomas had hastily parked his van in the ‘No Parking’ spot outside Stavroulas.

  The ‘No Parking’ spot was on a slight incline leading into the sea and in his haste Tall Thomas had neglected to secure the handbrake. Everyone was frozen in horror as the van rolled in slow motion down the incline and landed in the sea.

  Chapter 38

  All Hands to the Rope

  Tall Thomas has a rare and embarrassing, for a fisherman, condition. So mortified is he at the thought of his affliction becoming public knowledge he will go to any lengths to conceal it. Indeed, considering how Astakos thrives on gossip it is quite remarkable that no one has discovered Tall Thomas endures the frightful malady of sea sickness. If anyone was to discover a fisherman suffered from sea sickness he would be a laughing stock among his fishing rivals.

  The condition worsened as Tall Thomas got older. He never experienced sea sickness in his younger days, but for the last few years each journey to sea sees him hanging over the side of the boat vomiting endlessly. His incessant nausea is only abated on dry land and his condition has become so bad Tall Thomas will do anything to avoid going out to sea.

  Tall Thomas lied about his fishing routine to avoid anyone catching on. He told his rivals he had fished in the morning if they were fishing at night, to avoid questions as to why his boat was not out in the water at the same time as theirs. When it became difficult to explain away his lack of a catch Tall Thomas took to driving down the coast to Gavros to buy fish from the fisherman there and then pass it off as his own and re-sell it locally.

  Eventually Tall Thomas decided to give up any pretence of going to sea and established a small business as a mobile fishmonger. Now he makes a good living driving between villages and selling fish from his mobile refrigerated fish van. He buys the daily catch from the Astakos fishermen and they are relieved to no longer have to go to the bother of finding their own customers.

  It was this mobile refrigerated fish van which rolled down the incline and into the sea. As everyone watched transfixed the van at first bobbed buoyantly on the water and then began to sink. The fishermen drinking coffee outside the kafenion joked to Tall Thomas he had better not expect them to re-catch the fish they had already sold him that morning.

  Within moments all the men had pooled their resources to come to Tall Thomas’ aid, despite their mirth and laughter. Strong ropes were retrieved from car boots and secured to the backs of pick-up trucks and Tall Thomas dived into the sea to secure the other ends to his mobile refrigerated fish van. As Gorgeous Yiorgos grabbed a rope from the hardware shop Bald Yannis followed him onto the street screeching “yous pay for that later malaka, no credit here.”

  Everyone came out to heave on the ropes as Adonis revved his accelerator and tried to tow the van from the sea with the strength of his pick-up truck. Prosperous Pedros, Vangelis the chemist, Quentin, Socrates the slick lawyer and Petros the postman, were side by side pulling the ropes with all their strength, while Fat Christos lent his considerable bulk to pushing Adonis’ pick-up alongside Toothless Tasos.

  Stavroula surprised everyone by jumping into the sea to assist Tall Thomas with tying the knots, even though her motivation was a potential discount on the future price of his fish.

  After what seemed like an age the mobile refrigerated fish van was safely tugged out of the water and the soaking wet Stavroula invited everyone in for warming glasses of brandy. Adonis offered to tow the mobile refrigerated fish van to the garage of his cousin Adonis the mechanic.

  Vasilis suggested Tall Thomas make use of the old banger gathering dust in his barn so he could continue with his fish selling business. A price was agreed upon for the hire of Vasilis’ old car and hands were shaken all round.

  Quentin was most impressed with the speed and resourcefulness of the villagers as there had been no need to call out the emergency services. “For such a quiet and quaint village there is no end to the excitement,” he confided to Deirdre.

  Chapter 39

  A Rush on Old Lady Dresses

  Bald Yannis was hurriedly increasing the price tickets on his lengths of strong rope before Gorgeous Yiorgos had the chance to return and pay for the one he had grabbed. Yannis had laughed like a drain at the sight of Tall Thomas’ mobile refrigerated fish van rolling into the sea and was very annoyed the village men had managed to retrieve it. He would have enjoyed seeing Tall Thomas’ small business suffer as he had a mean streak, plus a loathing of fish.

  Bald Yannis was unsure how to react when old Mrs Kolokotronis came into his shop and asked for one of his hideous old lady dresses. He was used to insulting his male customers, but didn’t dare try it on with this elderly lady. It was however the very first time he had sold a dress to an actual woman and he supposed he ought to ask her what size she would like, a service he never bothered to extend to his male buyers.

  “It isn’t for me, it’s for the mail order bride Masha,” Mrs Kolokotronis said “it’s her birthday tomorrow and she must be one of the only women in the village not to have one of your hideous dresses. My son Christos already bought one for me.”

  Bald Yannis duly wrapped the dress in brown paper and rang up the sale in his cash register.

  Next through the door was Thea, the love interest of Toothless Tasos, who had recently buried her third husband. She also made a purchase of an old lady dress, confiding in Bald Yannis it was a birthday gift for mail order Masha. By the close of business that day he sold a total of nine hideous old lady dresses, each one to a woman who intended to gift it to Masha for her birthday the next day.

  Personally Bald Yannis thought the village women had taken collectiv
e leave of their senses as there was no way a beauty like Masha, with her distinctive flair for flashy fashion, would be seen dead in one of his shapeless dresses. Certainly that old fool Vasilis had never attempted to insult his mail order bride by buying one for her. Bald Yannis concluded the village women were jealous of mail order Masha’s good looks and were just being shrewish.

  The hardware store was not the only village shop enjoying brisk trade. When old Mr Mandelis re-opened the jewellery shop after siesta time he found a queue of desperate men on his doorstep.

  Fat Christos was there to buy an engagement ring for Tassia, Socrates was after a nice necklace for Stavroula to make up for insulting her with the hideous old lady dress, and that old fool Vasilis needed an expensive piece of jewellery for Masha’s birthday. All three men politely stood to one side when Petula, the Pappas’ wife entered, but she rushed out when she realised the shop was not empty, saying she would return later.

  Petula cautiously returned to the jewellery shop when the three men had left with their purchases, A week earlier she’d sold Mr Mandelis her engagement ring, swearing him to secrecy. He was delighted to oblige as he despised her drunk of a husband and had no intention of setting foot in the church again until the Pappas was excommunicated.

  Petula was confident in his discretion as Mr Mandelis had never been known to gossip. She desperately needed the money the sale of her ring could offer and thought it doubtful that her husband would notice her ring was missing. If he did happen to notice she planned to tell him it had slipped off her finger in the tomato patch and his pampered pet goat had eaten it before she could retrieve it. The Pappas loved his pet goat Krasi, whom he had named after his favourite tipple of wine.