Goat In The Meze: A farcical look at Greek life (The Greek Meze Series Book 1)
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Petula had underestimated the observational powers of her husband. It only took the Pappas three days to notice her ring finger was bare and he launched into an abusive tirade when she tried to accuse his darling Krasi of eating it. “Blame my goat would you for your slovenly ways,” the Pappas screamed at her, punching her painfully in the face.
He demanded Petula follow the goat round the house to see if it passed the ring, having believed her lies and not suspecting she had sold it. Obviously the goat didn’t pass the ring as it hadn’t eaten it, so now Petula was as desperate to retrieve it from Mr Mandelis as she had been to sell it to him last week.
Petula fell to the floor in a faint when Mr Mandelis delivered the unfortunate news that he had just sold her engagement ring to Fat Christos.
Mr Mandelis had no idea what to do when Petula collapsed in a dead faint on his shop floor. He poured a large glass of brandy to revive her and spotting Gorgeous Yiorgos drinking coffee at the kafenion he called him into the shop, imploring him to drive the sickly woman home.
As the church bells were clanging Petula knew her husband was safely out of the way at the church so she invited Gorgeous Yiorgos into the house. Between pitiful sobs she explained her dilemma to Gorgeous Yiorgos who listened with a sympathetic ear.
In addition to hating her husband Petula was also deathly afraid of him. Since he’d started drinking heavily in recent years he was far too free with his fists and the only affection he ever showed was showered on his pet goat Krasi. Petula had been saving whatever money she could get her hands on in the faint hope of buying a car and leaving him. Gorgeous Yiorgos had been complicit in her plans to the extent he had been giving Petula free driving lessons behind her husband’s back.
Now Petula needed Gorgeous Yiorgos’ help to get her engagement ring back from his very good friend Fat Christos before he presented it to Tassia. As Gorgeous Yiorgos promised to do his best to help, Krasi the goat wandered into the kitchen and chewed up the hideous old lady dress Socrates had given to Petula.
Chapter 40
A Man with a Kind Heart
Gorgeous Yiorgos felt immense pity for Petula. The pair had been childhood friends and it saddened him greatly to see the way in which the once vibrant and attractive young woman had been bullied by the Pappas into a meek shadow of her former self.
Back in his youth, his legendary good looks, coupled with the body of a Greek god, had earned Yiorgos the soubriquet ‘Gorgeous.’ His handsome face was adorned with a stylish moustache he liked to twirl suggestively and his deep black locks made women want to run their fingers through his hair.
Age and the elements were not kind to him, leaving him with a weather beaten face and overgrown shaggy eyebrows. His black locks had turned an undistinguished shade of grey which he tried to hide with liberal applications of black boot polish, leaving it looking permanently greasy. The polish had a tendency to run in streaks down his neck at the first sign of rain. His body had fattened and coarsened, though he still had a long way to go to catch up with Fat Christos in the obesity stakes.
These days, when Gorgeous Yiorgos looks in the mirror he only sees his handsome youthful self, believing he is the same magnet for the women as he was in the days when he was an expert in the art of ‘kamaki’. In his late fifties he still practises kamaki, the Greek art of reeling women in, primarily on unsuspecting tourist women who he perceives as loose floosies flocking to Greece for a holiday romance. Sadly for him they are not too impressed with his lame chat up lines, though he never stops trying.
In winter when the tourist women are a rarity Yiorgos encases his bulky body in layers of too tight clothes and goes round in a foul temper as only the prospect of love ever keeps him cheerful. In winter Yiorgos gives up shaving and washing as there is no one to try and impress, and the pungent aroma of dead fish precedes him everywhere.
Over the years he has left a trail of broken hearts behind and had, at the last count, three ex-wives. Even though Petula and Gorgeous Yiorgos have only ever been friends the Pappas had banned his wife from having Yiorgos in the house because of his reputation as a lifelong lothario. What the Pappas fails to appreciate, as he lacks one himself, is the kind heart Gorgeous Yiorgos is blessed with.
“I will do my best to get yous ring off Fat Christos,” he promised Petula, passing her a tea towel to wipe up her tears. “But this violent behaviour of your husband can be tolerated no longer. Let me think of a way to put a stop to it, my dear. Now tomorrow afternoon I can’t make your driving lesson as I promised to go to mail order Masha’s surprise birthday party. Why don’t yous come along with me, it may cheer you up?”
“I would love too but my life wouldn’t be worth living if my ‘usband found out I’d been in her house. Do you know he calls her a prostitute, even though Vasilis told him she only left home to escape the rampaging wolves prowling her Russian town?”
“Po po, the Pappas never has a good word to say about anyone. He must have skipped the bit where priests are meant to be full of Christian charity,” Gorgeous Yiorgos said.
“Well he does love his pet goat Krasi,” Petula said in his defence. “Yous ‘ad better be going Yiorgo. He’ll do his nut if he finds yous ‘ere,” she added.
“Try not to worry,” Yiorgos told her, giving her a chaste kiss on the cheek as he took his leave.
Chapter 41
Bald Yannis’ Excruciatingly Painful Back Wax
In anticipation of her excursion to ‘Mono Ellinka Trofima’ to celebrate her engagement Tassia spent several hours in the beauty parlour having her hair coiffed and sprayed. It was the first time she’d ever spent any time really talking to mail order Masha who was having a pedicure in the next chair. She discovered Masha was delightful company and presumed the other woman only exuded a stand-offish air as the village people were so quick to judge her on her tarty looks without getting to know her.
The two women exchanged curious looks when Bald Yannis entered the beauty shop and disappeared behind a curtained off area. Their curiosity reached fever pitch as the air soon reverberated with the sound of his agonised screams. As he stumbled out biting down hard on a towel still clenched between his teeth, Evangelia, the beauty shop owner, explained that Bald Yannis had been in for a back wax. The man was quite desperate to have hair on his head, but at the same time he hated with a vengeance the surfeit of hair that grew like untamed weeds on his back.
Tassia confided in her new friend Masha she suspected Christos was only marrying her for her money, but she didn’t care as long as he got her pregnant on the wedding night.
Masha said she too wanted a baby but Vasilis was having a few problems in the bedroom department. She had sent him to the doctor who had prescribed Viagra. It pained her when everyone gossiped about it, but the gossips had no idea she needed Vasilis to be virile in order to get her pregnant. The two women parted as firm friends, looking forward to meeting up again that evening in the taverna.
Tassia felt almost beautiful as she waited for Fat Christos to arrive. She was wearing her lovely new dress, the gift from her fiancé, and her hair was neatly curled. Her happiness was complete when Christos arrived and went down on one knee, slipping a delicate diamond engagement ring onto her finger. “It is good for my exercise plan if we walk to the taverna,” he said, selfishly giving no thought to the fact the rain would ruin Tassia’s new hairdo.
Chapter 42
Merriment in the Taverna
Gorgeous Yiorgos drove away from Petula’s house hoping to intercept Fat Christos before he could slip Petula’s engagement ring onto Tassia’s finger. He cursed as he drove over a nail in the road and felt all the air escape from his front tyre. By the time he had replaced the flat tyre with the spare he was too late to intercept Fat Christos.
It was late when Gorgeous Yiorgos arrived at the taverna and the drenched Tassia was proudly showing off her shimmering new diamond to all the customers. Gorgeous Yiorgos hoped with every fibre of his being the Pappas would not choose this evening t
o make an entrance and spot his wife’s ring on the finger of another woman.
The taverna was bustling and Tassia was struggling to cope with so much attention. She greeted mail order Masha with genuine warmth, happy to share the company of her new friend on this special evening. Tall Thomas was treating everyone to drinks in appreciation of the help he had received that morning when his mobile refrigerated fish van rolled into the sea. “’Ave a drink on me K-Went-In and Did-Rees,” he invited, remembering the American had not minded getting his hands dirty in his efforts to help.
“Are you planning a big wedding?” Deirdre asked the newly engaged couple, to which Fat Christos replied “no, I tell you I will be very small soon.”
Tassia declared “I would love to wear a magnificent white wedding dress embroidered with pearls.”
Fat Christos mentally deducted the price of such a dress from the money he supposed Tassia was worth and told her “I’m sure my mother can knock you up a lovely dress on her sewing machine.”
Fat Christos was resolutely sticking to his new diet, ordering nothing more than a salad of lettuce, onion and tomato. His conviction that his mother was trying to sabotage his diet had grown when he discovered she had left a large bar of shop bought chocolate on his pillow last night for the first time ever. He had given the chocolate to Stavroula’s taverna cat but it was promptly sick in the harbour.
Everyone enjoyed a good laugh at the expense of Bald Yannis when they heard the tale of his excruciatingly painful back wax. “Maybe they will transplant the hair from his back to his vain bald head,” said Vangelis the chemist who was quick to spill the secret of Bald Yannis’ impending hair transplant.
“It’s too late for that,” Prosperous Pedros said “he’s had it all waxed off.”
That old fool Vasilis was in a cheery mood, most delighted to be reunited his donkey. He told the tale everyone had heard a thousand times before of how as a youngster he had walked ten kilometres uphill every Monday to attend school, carrying with him the provisions which must last until he returned from school to the village on Friday. “Every week it was the same,” Vasilis explained, “a loaf of home baked bread, some olive oil and some sea salt. Yous youngsters don’t know how good yous ‘ave it with yous fancy foods and modern transport.”
At the end of each olive harvest when his father no longer needed the donkey for work he had lent it to Vasilis so he could ride to school. His current donkey Onos was the direct descendant of that childhood donkey and he held it in great affection.
Mail order Masha empathised with the hard life of that old fool Vasilis’ childhood and told him “I had to walk through the snow to school with only a loaf of bread and a bottle of vodka, hoping the wolves would not eat me.”
The merriment in the taverna was abruptly interrupted when Mrs Kolokotronis rushed in, panting in distress and demanding to know if anyone had seen Socrates the slick lawyer and live-in-lover of Stavroula.
“He must be found quickly,” she declared “the police have just arrested Stavroula and taken her away in handcuffs.”
Chapter 43
The Interrogation
Mrs Kolokotronis had got the wrong end of the stick. Stavroula hadn’t actually been arrested, but was merely being interrogated by two policemen from the up ‘north village’ of Pouthena about the disappearance of her second husband Kostas. The policemen hadn’t actually dragged Stavroula away in handcuffs as Mrs Kolokotronis erroneously reported.
Instead Stavroula had turned on the charm, invited the two policemen to take a seat in her taverna and poured them two large glasses of her finest brandy. Before they even had a chance to start questioning her she was buttering them up with delicious saganaki followed by heaped platefuls of moussaka.
As soon as the policemen started to question her Stavroula broke down and started weeping. She had craftily secreted a cut onion in her breast pocket to bring on fake tears.
“He left me with never a word,” she wept hysterically. “The malaka was always on the road and never at home. I suspect he had another woman. I could not bear the humiliation of his desertion so I packed up my things and came home to Astakos with a broken heart. Every day I pine for my Kostas, but what can I do? I open this taverna to keep myself busy and forget the pain. Yous want to find the malaka yous find him with another woman I bet,” she said convincingly, hoping they never got a warrant to dig up the chicken coop.
The policemen apologised profusely for upsetting her but explained they had to follow up as Kostas’ sister Katerina had reported him missing. “What is a poor helpless woman to do when she is deserted?” asked Stavroula. The policemen both agreed Kostas’ behaviour was shocking, what man in his right mind would neglect such a wonderful cook?
As they tucked into large platefuls of Stavroula’s homemade baklava they cursed Katerina who had obviously wasted their time by sending them off on a wild goose chase. Never had they interrogated a more innocent suspect than the poor deserted Stavroula.
Luckily Socrates didn’t arrive back until the policemen had left, saving Stavroula the awkwardness of explaining away how such a heart broken woman had been so quick to take a live-in-lover.
Chapter 44
Deirdre Catches a Fish in Her Hat
Stavroula was in a terrible temper the next morning, cursing Katerina, the sister of Kostas, for giving her name and address to the police. Socrates advised her to lie low as he was painfully aware not only had she accidentally, he believed, killed and disposed of Kostas but she was also still bigamously married to Toothless Tasos. Her plan to lure her customers back from the rival taverna was not working so she decided to turn on her charm when Quentin came in for coffee after his morning jog with Fat Christos.
“Kalimera K-Went-In,” she said with fake bonhomie “Pou einai Did-Rees?”
“It’s Quentin,” he replied while leafing through his American-Greek dictionary to look up the translation of ‘pou’.
“Hurry up and finish your coffee Quentin,” Deirdre ordered, walking in wearing a bright yellow sou’wester hat and a natty blue and white striped nautically themed outfit. “I can’t wait to go out fishing with Christos on his boat.”
A light breeze was blowing as the threesome cast off from the harbour and headed out to sea. Fat Christos was excited to show off the latest addition to his boat, declaring he had gone all computerised. Whipping off an oily tarpaulin cover he revealed the fishing boat’s brand new computerised guidance system.
“Don’t touch that button,” he commanded as Quentin’s finger hovered perilously close to an array of knobs and dials.
“Why, what is it for?” Quentin queried.”
“I ‘ave no idea,” Fat Christos admitted.
“What about this one?” Quentin asked pointing at another button.
“I ‘ave no idea,” Fat Christos replied. He was painfully aware the only instructions available were printed in Chinese.
Prosperous Pedros had gone to the expense of having one of these new-fangled computer boxes installed in his boat, so naturally every other fisherman in the village had to have one too, to not be outdone. They all used the same cheap Chinese supplier and not one of them could translate the instructions and fathom out how to use it. They were even pretty clueless about what it was actually meant to do. The only thing their collective wisdom had managed to work out was that one particular button allowed them to take a close up look at the bottom of the sea bed beneath the boat on the computer screen.
All the other functions of the sophisticated new-fangled computerised guidance system were a complete mystery. Each fisherman feared if the wrong button was pressed something catastrophic would happen and perhaps their boat would explode.
They had collectively wasted a lot of money on this fancy new- fangled technology they were clueless how to operate. As long as no single fisherman could claim the advantage of knowing how to use it they were all in the same boat and declared it quite marvellous they could see if the sea bed was rock or sand.
“The sea police will give me a bigly fine if they find tourists in my boat,” he explained.
“The coast is clear,” Fat Christos exhaled, lending Quentin a hand to haul Deirdre out of the fishing net she had fallen into.
“Oh look Deirdre, you’ve caught a fish,” exclaimed Quentin, pointing to a lifeless sea bass stuck in the brim of her luminous yellow hat.
As an apology for pushing her down so roughly Fat Christos gifted Deirdre the sea bass, telling her “take it to Takis’ later and Yiota will cook it very tasty.”
Meanwhile Quentin was hoping he could find an internet cafe somewhere and look up an operating manual written in English for Fat Christos’ new-fangled computerised guidance system. He wasn’t too optimistic as it struck him Astakos was stuck in a time warp and life was about twenty years behind more sophisticated places.
Chapter 45
Mail Order Masha’s Surprise Party
Mail order Masha had no inkling that old fool Vasilis was throwing her a surprise birthday party. He had done a disappearing act with the donkey long before the first guests began to arrive, appearing en masse on her doorstep shouting “Surprise.”
Masha was indeed caught by surprise as she’d been sunbathing topless and only had chance to pull on Vasilis’ old towelling bathrobe as she answered the door, removing cucumber slices from her eyes. She hated being caught out looking anything but her best. Leaving her unwanted visitors to rummage round in the kitchen for some snacks, Masha disappeared to get more suitably dressed for a party.