A Son For Christmas (West Coast Christmas Secrets Book 1)

by Tina Cambria

  Had he stepped over some magical kind of threshold a couple of weeks ago? As he’d approached what must have been an imaginary portal, he’d been a single guy, all set to take San Francisco by storm. When he emerged on the other side, he had a son big enough to practice with a baseball. But where were those missing years? What if he built some kind of crazy contraption that would transport him back and let him recapture all the events in Matt’s early life he hadn’t even known about?

  He was fairly handy with tools but, even so, he knew time travel was way out of his capabilities. A bookcase or a bench, maybe. But a time machine was not happening in any workshop he’d ever been in.

  If only Kendra had let him know about her pregnancy…

  Things would have been different.

  But how?

  If he was totally honest, he couldn’t guarantee that his knowing about their baby from the beginning would have resulted in their being a happily married couple now. A happily married couple with a ton of shared memories.

  What would have happened? Even if they’d somehow been a married couple when Matt was born, would they have stayed that way? The life of an army wife might not have suited her. Maybe she wouldn’t have wanted to be separated from her father and sister. He and Kendra might have spent precious little time together anyway. It could have been the end of their marriage.

  What marriage?

  Now he was thinking crazy thoughts. It hadn’t happened, and the past was the past. There was no time machine that could take him back and make anything change. He wasn’t going to experience holding his son for the first time as a newborn baby. He could accept it and move on, or he could wallow in self-pity and anger.

  Matt’s voice asking him to throw the ball back suddenly returned him to the here and now.

  “Nice catch,” he said after Matt easily fielded his toss. “Now let’s go inside and see if your mom needs any help getting lunch ready.”

  The house smelled like hot cocoa when they stepped into the kitchen. A steaming bowl of macaroni and cheese on the table invited them to dig in. Kendra had prepared a tossed salad for the grown-ups and a fruit cup for Matt. The sound of Nat King Cole singing a traditional Christmas favorite floated in from the living room.

  When they finished eating lunch and moved into the living room, an array of Christmas balls and ornaments sat on the coffee table, waiting to be placed on the tree. Kendra had already draped a garland of red plaid ribbon artfully through the tree’s branches.

  “This is great,” Matt cried out.

  It was great, Shane had to admit. His own father had passed away when he was a kid, and some of the Christmases after that had been challenging, to say the least. Being around Matt and his youthful enthusiasm was awakening Shane’s long-dormant Christmas spirit.

  “Let’s put these red balls up first,” Kendra suggested. “Get a big shot of color on the tree right from the start.”

  Matt eagerly hung shiny red balls from the lower branches while Shane filled in the higher boughs of the tree. Kendra then handed ornaments to both of them. A little white poodle in a wicker basket with a red bow around its neck, a gingerbread man, a teddy bear dressed like a toy solider, a fire engine with a Christmas tree on the top. Each one was cuter than the next.

  “Look at this one, Dad,” Matt exclaimed, holding out a miniature sleigh with Santa and a sack filled with tiny toys.

  Shane held the ornament in his hands, turning it around to admire the handiwork. “This is really nice.”

  It had been a long time since he’d actually decorated a Christmas tree. Or even had one in his own home. He’d been stationed all over the world, depending on where he was needed. No sense in buying a house and then having it sell it in a year or two. He’d been traveling lean and mean, not accumulating many belongings, for his entire career.

  He’d been able to come home for Christmas and spend a few days with his mother only once since he’d joined the military. But by the time he’d arrived, his mother had the tree up and the house decorated like some Christmas shop you’d find in a popular tourist destination. Snowman figures everywhere you looked. Angels with halos, holding songbooks while their little mouths formed perfect circles. And the delicious smell of pumpkin pie wafting through the air as soon as you opened the front door.

  Decorating the tree with Kendra and Matt reminded Shane of long-ago Christmases when his father had still been alive. There was always a Christmas special on TV while they’d put up the tree. Rudolph, the Grinch, Charlie Brown…one of those classic holiday shows that kids and their parents couldn’t get enough of, year after year.

  Yeah, he might be able to get used to this happy family thing.

  Sorting through the ornaments she’d spread out on the coffee table, Kendra reached for a particular one. “This one is special,” she said, and handed it to him.

  He examined the keepsake before giving it to Matt for the perfect placement on the tree. A baby photo in a small frame surrounded by a tiny blue teddy bear, a miniature jack-in-the-box, and a small locomotive. Across the top, a banner proclaimed, ‘Baby’s First Christmas.’

  Looking at the smiling baby with big, happy eyes, he knew it had to be Matt. His stomach twisted as he thought about the baby in the photo. So cute, but Shane had never even seen him. Never held him as an infant. Didn’t help him learn how to talk or have a hand in helping with any of his early developmental achievements.

  Did Kendra realize the knot of emotions she’d tied up within him? She sat across from him, smiling and giving the impression that she was enjoying this family time. But the reminder of his son’s first Christmas, an event he’d missed, tore at his heart. Heck, not only had he missed Matt’s first Christmas—he’d missed the second, third, and a couple more along the way. And those Christmases weren’t coming back again.

  None of it was coming back again. Christmases, birthdays, all those milestones… How had he even gotten into a situation like this, not knowing about his son for over six years?

  For God’s sake, he was darn good at gathering intelligence and digging up information. So how did he let the biggest event of his life thus far slip beyond his reach, taking place as though it was in some parallel universe he couldn’t access?

  “Everything all right, Shane?” Kendra murmured, reaching over to touch his arm. “You look like you crossed into a different world.”

  That was the problem. He wanted to cross into a different world, a world where Matt was still in Kendra’s womb. A world where he was present for the delivery of his first child.

  His son.

  He wanted to receive congratulations from his friends on what a beautiful, healthy baby he’d helped to create.

  And he wanted to be there for Kendra. Wiping her brow as she labored to bring their son into the world. Proudly posing for pictures with her and their new baby afterwards. Then rushing out and buying a football for his newborn son, inappropriate as it was for a baby, because that was the kind of thing new fathers did. And Kendra would be laughing at him, saying something like, “Now Shane, you know he can’t even grasp a rattle yet, much less hold onto a football. Give him a year or two before you try to turn him into a championship quarterback.”

  He sighed, resigning himself to permanent residency in the present-day world and the days that lay ahead. There was no moving backward in time. At least not that he knew of. If Einstein hadn’t been able to figure out how to do it, a former army officer didn’t have any kind of shot at it.

  “This is an emotional day,” he finally said to Kendra.

  “Good emotions, right?”

  “Yeah, very good,” he said, a little too quickly.

  “Are you sure you’re okay?”

  “More than okay.” Looking around to watch Matt carefully placing the Baby’s First Christmas ornament on a branch directly above his shoulders, he then turned back to Kendra. “Hey, do you have a camera handy? I’d love to have a photo of Matt decorating the Christmas tree. A real nice photo that I coul
d print and frame, not one you only look at on a cell phone.”

  “I don’t know why I didn’t think of that earlier,” she said. “My camera’s in my office. Or I guess I should say your bedroom.” She smiled and winked at him and then headed for the stairs. “I’ll be right back.”

  Did she even realize what he was feeling right now? To a casual observer, their afternoon of tree decorating was a happy mixture of traditions and anticipation of the upcoming holiday. But his insides felt as tangled as Christmas lights that had been put away carelessly the year before.

  And he wasn’t sure how long it would take to untangle them. Or if they could even be untangled ever again.

  * * *

  A few hours later, Kendra was sure their Christmas tree was as beautifully decorated as any she’d seen in a magazine. If some of the ornaments had been placed a little too closely together by Matt, she made herself oblivious to it. All she saw was a six-foot high, illuminated symbol of family togetherness.

  The photos she’d snapped at Shane’s suggestion were sure to be treasured in years to come. She was certain of that.

  And yet she couldn’t help wondering if she’d be taking similar pictures a year from now. Would Shane be there with them helping to trim next year’s tree? Or would they have worked out some kind of custody agreement that required Matt to spend a certain percentage of the Christmas holidays with his father?

  Worse yet, what if he were engaged or married to someone else by this time next year? Could that even happen? Despite what he’d told her about never even getting close to being serious with a woman, she knew better than to think he’d stay single forever. A man with his kind of looks and personality—plus an excellent job—was not going to remain on the market too much longer.

  She looked at Shane and Matt, sitting on the sofa and admiring their decorating handiwork reflected by the Christmas tree. If only she could figure out how to make everything right.

  For now, dinner had to take priority. “Are you guys getting hungry?”

  Matt eagerly nodded, and Shane said, “I’d say I’ve got a pretty good appetite.”

  Good appetite, indeed.

  Kendra remembered how he’d admitted last night that he had a healthy sexual appetite. Well, she had the child to prove marriage wasn’t necessarily a prerequisite for Shane to indulge that appetite. Yet she was getting a sense that he was almost ready to think about settling down. His eyes looked happy when he interacted with Matt. She’d be willing to bet he was getting ideas about making another little baby. One he’d have the opportunity to love right from the start.

  Why had she been so stupid to keep her pregnancy a secret from him? She might have had him all to herself now if she’d done what most reasonable women would have done without thinking. Maybe she and Shane might even have added another little one to their family by now.

  Matt hopped off the sofa and pointed to a Christmas ornament that depicted a panda bear holding a tray of cookies. “That’s what I’d like for dinner,” he exclaimed.

  Shane laughed. “Whoa, buddy. I think your mom might have other ideas about that.”

  She smiled, but she felt conflicted inside. Was he tolerating her presence as a necessary evil in order to spend time with the son he’d recently discovered? Either tolerating her presence or trying to make the most of it, like last night when he’d tried to initiate lovemaking with her. And she wasn’t sure if it had been with the intent of moving their relationship along to a higher level, on the way to something permanent and long-lasting.

  It was probably more like a return trip to a roller coaster you’d enjoyed as a kid, because you wanted to see if it could still thrill you the way it did before you’d tried some bigger and higher ones at other amusement parks. She watched Shane laughing on the sofa with Matt and suddenly felt silly comparing their lovemaking to a favorite roller coaster ride.

  But was she actually that far off the mark? That feeling of anticipation as the car climbs the big hill, slowly, slowly…knowing that when you finally reach the top and go over the crest there will be that momentary weightless feeling an instant before the car begins to drop. And then that delicious rush straight up through your middle as you plummet back to earth, not able to control yourself from screaming. Finally, after looping and twisting and a few more plunges down other spine-tingling drops, the gasps of pure delight as you careen to a stop and long to do it all over again as soon as you can.

  If truth be told, making love with Shane had felt a lot like that. But what was she to him? The classic wooden coaster at the local amusement park where you’d first gotten a taste of thrill rides?

  And now that Shane had tried out some of the newer and taller steel coaster versions, was she little more than a fading childhood memory? Except he had left a piece of personal property behind on that long-ago roller coaster ride.

  A son.

  Trying to switch gears and deal with the immediate need of getting dinner ready, she turned to Shane. “How about some stir-fry chicken to satisfy that appetite?”

  Kendra moved into the kitchen while Shane played with Matt in the living room. She wondered if he merely wanted to try out that old wooden roller coaster for old times’ sake while he was retrieving what he’d left behind. Or might he discover that the rough and wild ride of the old-time coaster gave him more satisfaction that anything he could hope to experience on the newer, slicker versions?

  And was she willing to let Shane take that potentially electrifying test ride?

  * * *

  Shane offered to help prepare dinner, but Kendra said the kitchen wasn’t big enough for two people to cook at the same time without tripping over each other. So, he followed her suggestion to spend time with Matt and enjoy the Christmas tree they’d all helped to decorate.

  He watched as Matt fingered some of the eye-catching ornaments hanging from the tree. He was particularly attracted to anything red—the fire engine, Santa’s colorful suit, vibrant cardinals gathered at a feeder…

  “You have a lot of really nice ornaments on that tree,” Shane said.

  “I know. Mom says she likes to buy a new one every year. So we can remember what every Christmas was like.”

  He looked at Matt, feeling a mixture of love blended with a touch of sadness. “I know I’ll always remember this Christmas. And decorating the tree with you today.”

  “Me too.” Matt looked at his father and hesitated before speaking. “I’m glad you’re here.”

  “So am I.”

  “I think Mom is glad too.”

  “Why do you say that?” What feelings could such a young boy have picked up on?

  “Oh, I guess the way she’s been smiling more.” Matt grinned tentatively at his father. “I think she’s happy when you’re here.”

  “Really?” It struck him that the young boy had more insight than he did into any behavior changes Kendra might have shown in the past few weeks. Because he hadn’t seen her since he’d left for basic training, Shane had absolutely no idea what her demeanor had been like the past few years. Until he’d stepped onto the scene and probably shaken up her world.

  Matt picked up a small race car he spotted partially wedged under a chair and, keeping his eyes trained on the toy, said, “I wish you could’ve been here when I was a baby…but I’m glad you’re here now.”

  Shane’s throat choked up, and he couldn’t find words to say. He’d spent so much time thinking about all the time he’d lost with his son that he hadn’t given full attention to Matt’s loss. Even though he was only a first grader, the young boy seemed to know he’d missed out on something precious.

  “Me, too,” Shane finally said. “I’m glad we’re together now.”

  With the candor that sometimes only a child can display, Matt looked Shane right in the eye. “Where were you when I was a baby, Dad?”

  If he felt like he was choking up before, it was now compounded by one of those gut-wrenching sensations he’d experienced a few times over the past week or so. H
e thought Kendra had said Matt easily accepted what she’d told him about a faraway job assignment. Now, the million-dollar question had been unceremoniously dumped in his lap.

  Struggling to clear his throat, he said, “I’d give anything if I could’ve been here with you, buddy.” His son’s young eyes widened, as though the meaning of life was ready to be revealed to him. “It’s complicated and hard to explain. When you’re bigger, you’ll be able to understand it better. But I’m here now, and I’m so happy to be your dad.”

  Matt ran the race car over the floor and then looked at his father. “I don’t even remember when I was a baby anyway. Only what my mom tells me about it.”

  Was he trying to look on the bright side of the situation?

  “I’m sure she remembers all about when you were a baby.”

  “And my mom shows me my baby pictures.”

  “I’d like to see some of those pictures,” Shane said softly.

  “Yeah, I was cute.” Matt brightened up and smiled.

  The look in Matt’s eyes tore at his heart. His kid was a genuine treasure. There was no doubt Kendra had done a fantastic job raising him so far. From his brief encounters with her father and sister, he knew Matt had a loving extended family as well. But there could be so much more.

  A boy and his father.

  Shane’s relationship with his father had been cut short far too soon by his father’s sudden death when he was a young boy. Even so, he would always remember the times he and his dad played with toys, went to baseball games, tinkered in the garage workshop, taught their dog how to sit and stay—the time he’d had with his father had been much too brief, but the cherished memories would never fade.

  Maybe it wasn’t too late to begin building what could be a lifetime of memories with Matt. They’d gotten off to a really good start today, hadn’t they? And the trip to the museum—Shane didn’t think that day would be forgotten for a long time.

  But where did Kendra fit into that picture? Or, more accurately, where did he fit into the picture that already included Matt and Kendra? If only there were a way to Photoshop himself into everything that had already taken place in Matt’s life. And he didn’t mean digitally adding his image to an existing photograph. No, somehow plugging his presence into every memorable moment of Matt’s life to date.