The Way We Are

by Shelly Desjarlais

  “All right. I can do that.”

  “Good. I think I’m only truly happy when it is just us. I wish we could stay right here. The way we are. Would you be all right with that? Staying like this?”

  “Yeah. It’s what I dream about,” Carolyn told her.

  Hazel’s teeth ached after her wide grin. “It’s my dream too.”

  “Really?”

  “It has been,” Hazel said.

  While they held each other, they knew that their dreams were only one day away from vanishing again. All they could do was cling to the few minutes they had to be free.

  Thirty

  It was time for Thompson to return home. The ticking of the wall clock was driving Carolyn mad. She lightly nibbled on her fingernails while the pie cooled on the windowsill. Her hand smoothed the wrinkles in the front of her dress, and then she ensured that her hair was neatly braided. Dinner was ready, she looked her best, and his truck was in the driveway.

  Hazel was there earlier. She helped Carolyn take care of the farm efficiently. She offered to help Carolyn with dinner, but Carolyn vehemently refused. There was no way Carolyn would allow Hazel to do anything for her husband. That was Carolyn’s burden.

  When Carolyn heard the front door open, her shoulders leapt. There was no mistaking the sound of his heavy feet. She mentally prepared herself for his face and the kiss. It would be the first thing that he would do, she knew, regardless of his mood.

  “House looks all right,” his voice grunted from behind her.

  Apprehensively, she turned to face him. His mustache pleasantly curled when he saw her in one of her nicest dresses. Carolyn knew that she had to put on a show. It made her stomach sting, but she smiled at him anyway.

  “Hello, Thompson.”

  “Hello, Carolyn. You’re looking all right too. It’s nice to come home to that kind of view. Give your man some loving.”

  The moment came: The kiss. Carolyn did her best to act like she wanted him. Then, she stiffly recoiled. He would have growled if she hadn’t grinned.

  “I made pie,” she shakily told him.

  “Good. I’m starved. Bring that dinner over here.”

  “Yes, Thompson.”

  Thompson took his usual spot at the table. She served him an especially large dinner, which softened his hard heart. He interpreted the gesture incorrectly, as he always did.

  “I should stay away more. You get good when you miss me. Is that all you did? Sit around crying until I came back?” he asked.

  “Yes. Of course,” Carolyn lied.

  He wasn’t believing her. “You sure that you missed me that much?”

  “Why wouldn’t I? I’m your wife,” Carolyn answered.

  “That you are.”

  Thompson’s attention turned to the meal. Carolyn was grateful that they could merely eat instead of talking. She wasn’t sure how well she could hold it together. Her resolve was gradually fading. She could only imagine eating dinner beneath the stars with Hazel. She could only imagine Hazel.

  “Good meal, Carolyn. Good,” Thompson said with a deep belch.

  “I’ll clean the kitchen at once,” Carolyn replied.

  When she stood, Thompson stood with her. His fingers snagged Carolyn’s hand. “Don’t worry on the kitchen right now. I’ve got a better idea.”

  “Better idea?” Carolyn wheezed. It couldn’t be…

  “Let’s go upstairs. Have a real, real good welcome for me,” Thompson smirked.

  Carolyn allowed Thompson to lead her to the bedroom. There, he began to pull down her dress at the shoulders. He kissed her shoulder blade, followed by the back of her neck. Carolyn hardened. Memories crashed over her when she looked upon the bed. Hazel was in that bed. She’s the one who should have been in that bed.

  Thompson’s hands slithered around her waist, and his mouth crawled across her collarbone. Her throat was thick with disgust. She had a choice to make. Regrettably, neither of her options led to a happy place. He’d touch her either way. Yet, she could try.

  “Thompson,” she whispered. The choice was made. “Thompson, I can’t.”

  “Can’t what?” Thompson asked.

  “Do this. I got hurt on the farm this morning. Fell over when I was trying to climb the fence. I can’t do…I just won’t be good enough for you like this,” she attempted.

  Thompson harshly grabbed her by the ribcage. “You’re my wife. You do what I tell you, and this is a wife’s duty. Your duty. You will obey me.”

  “I can’t do this,” Carolyn shakily held her ground.

  “You will.”

  Thompson threw her onto the bed. She tried to roll away from him, but he was too quick and too powerful. For the first time in many years, she fought back. She felt that she would be unfaithful Hazel if she let Thompson have his way. Thompson wasn’t about to stop. He figured that he could beat her into submission.

  Then he’d do as he pleased.

  *-*-*-*

  The next morning, Thursday arrived. Hazel drove to Elmer’s store for supplies, hoping that Carolyn might be there. She greeted Elmer with a friendly nod. However, she then noticed something was off.

  “Elmer, how did you already sell out of milk and eggs? I thought I got here plenty early enough,” Hazel called.

  “Well, we didn’t get much,” Elmer explained.

  “I thought that you got your milk and eggs from Carolyn. She always has plenty enough,” Hazel replied.

  “Rodger said that she didn’t have barely anything this morning. She sent the money back and everything.”

  That was all Hazel needed to hear. She dropped her basket and ran to the door. Hazel’s mind raced as she drove to Carolyn’s farm. Without a doubt, something was wrong. When Hazel arrived, she jumped from the car and hopped over the fence. She went around the farm, panicking.

  “Carolyn? Carolyn, where are you?” she shouted.

  There was no answer. Hazel checked the barns, yet she had a suspicion as to where Carolyn would be. She jogged to the place beside the fence. Carolyn leaned against the posts with a cigarette in her hand. She didn’t hear Hazel. She didn’t hear much of anything except the pain.

  “Carolyn?” Hazel asked.

  She didn’t budge. Hazel’s heart broke when she saw the vacant and wet look in Carolyn’s eyes. Hazel took the cigarette away. When she did, Carolyn blinked a few times. When she recognized Hazel, she held out her arms. Hazel fell into them, but she let go immediately. Carolyn had let out a muted shriek.

  “What happened to you?” Hazel muttered.

  Carolyn didn’t answer. Hazel gently opened the front of Carolyn’s shirt. The bruises were darker and deeper than ever before. Fresh cuts dug into her abdomen, which had to be caused by his fingernails. Based on the way Carolyn was standing, the damage didn’t stop there. Hazel kissed Carolyn’s forehead as her tears fell.

  “Bastard! That bastard. What happened, sweetheart?”

  “He wanted to…” Carolyn couldn’t say it. “I told him that I wouldn’t.”

  “So he tortured you?”

  “I tried to stop him. I couldn’t.”

  Hazel knew what that meant. He forced himself on her anyway. She reached out to wipe a tear from Carolyn’s cheek. Carolyn placed her hand over Hazel’s fingers. She soaked in Hazel’s touch while Hazel shook with rage. She couldn’t stand by while Thompson treated Carolyn that way. She had to get Carolyn out somehow.

  “Listen to me, all right? You go inside and rest. I can handle the farm,” Hazel told her.

  Carolyn stubbornly shook her head. “I can do it.”

  “Elmer told me you barely had and milk and eggs this morning. I’m guessing that’s because you’re in so much pain you could hardly carry anything to the front door, right? So, you go rest. I can handle this,” Hazel disputed.

  “All right,” Carolyn agreed.

  Hazel kissed Carolyn once more. “Don’t worry. I’m going to take care of you.”

  “I want to take care of you.”

&
nbsp; “We’ll take care of each other,” Hazel whispered. “We’ll find a way out.”

  Thirty-one

  Hazel didn’t want to leave Carolyn that night. She was terrified that Carolyn would be harmed again. In the back of her mind, she was afraid Thompson would end Carolyn’s life all together. Carolyn had that fear within her as well. She hoped that he would keep her alive as long as she was useful to him. However, if she ever tried to leave him, he would kill her. His property couldn’t walk off. He’d be sure of it.

  “I’ll be all right. Really. You can get home,” Carolyn tried to sound confident.

  Hazel didn’t mind showing her terror. “What if he does it again tonight?”

  “He doesn’t usually hit me so much two nights in a row. I’ve got to be able to do my chores and look normal for the town.”

  “This is wrong, and you know it. You have to get out of this,” Hazel insisted.

  “It doesn’t work like that. If I try to leave, he will kill me. Even if he wouldn’t, there’s nowhere to go.”

  “This world is full of many places, Carolyn.”

  “And getting there takes money. I don’t have it.”

  “So, start saving some. Skim a little off whatever Rodger gives you. I can skim a little off what my weekly budget is. We’ll put it in a bag and hide it in one of the barns,” Hazel responded forcefully. She gripped Carolyn’s hands with pleading eyes. “You have to escape him. You have to.”

  “Let’s talk about this tomorrow, all right? I’ve got to cook dinner, and I’m sure you’re hungry.”

  Hazel sighed. “All right. Tomorrow. Be safe, Carolyn. I mean it.”

  “I know you do, darlin. Tomorrow after lunch?”

  “Until then, sweetheart.”

  “Until then,” Carolyn smiled in agreement.

  Hazel’s lips met Carolyn’s, and then she traveled to her car. She watched Carolyn in the car mirror as the car got farther and farther away. She felt like she was going to get sick once she reached her house. All she could think about were the wounds on Carolyn’s body—the same body that she felt against hers.

  “We’ll put the money in here,” Hazel talked to herself. The small handbag was smooth and brown. It would vanish against the wooden boards of Carolyn’s barns. “All right. All right, that works. Money. Where did I put all that money? Oh, the mattress. Right. In there…”

  Promptly, Hazel went to her mattress. She pulled the money from its hiding place, and then she counted how many bills she could spare. They fit perfectly in the bag. She decided she’d bring it with her when she went to Carolyn’s farm. Of the barns, she decided that it should be with the horse. Thompson hated the horse. If he decided to check up on the farm for any reason, he wouldn’t poke around in that barn long enough to spot the bag.

  Between trying to think of an escape plan and worrying about Carolyn, Hazel did not sleep. In the morning, she wanted coffee. As much coffee as she could tolerate. Yet, she didn’t have milk. She knew that Elmer’s store was bound to open at any moment and Rodger would have surely delivered the milk and eggs by then. Though it wasn’t smart for someone as tired as she was too drive, she went to the store anyway.

  “More milk and eggs today,” Elmer told her as she walked in.

  “Great. I need both,” Hazel yawned.

  Milk and eggs in hand, she went to the counter. Elmer noted Hazel’s disheveled appearance. “Your eyes are red. You didn’t get any sleep again?”

  “I don’t believe I did,” she answered. She took her items and yawned again. “Thanks, Elmer.”

  “Oh, wait, I think that I have something for you,” Elmer said.

  “What is it?” Hazel asked.

  Elmer dug through the mail bin. “You got a letter.”

  “Who’s it from?”

  “It says Sally Sanderson Boyd on it,” Elmer read.

  Hazel hung her head. Somehow, she knew that something was wrong. “Thanks, Elmer.”

  “Have a great day, Ms. Mayer.”

  “You too.”

  At home, Hazel opened the letter anxiously. There was a chance that something could have happened to her father. There was a chance that the Millers had information too. Hazel silently prayed and hoped that her father was fine and Eugene was far away. Yet, hope wasn’t always enough.

  When she removed the letter, she noticed that there was an envelope attached to the paper. She examined it, but there was no indication of whom it was from. Hazel read her sister’s letter first.

  Hazel,

  I would write a nice greeting, but I have too much news to share with you. A lot has happened in the last few weeks.

  The doctor came to see our father. They’re getting closer to figuring out what it is, but he’s even worse than when I wrote you last. Mother is falling apart. There’s talk of death, but there’s a treatment that might help. The problem is, it’s the most expensive treatment they’ve suggested yet. Even the Millers were uncomfortable with the price.

  You have to have noticed the enclosed envelope by now. It’s a letter for you. It was sent here instead of there. I’m sending it to you now.

  Sorry to say, but I read it. I didn’t mean to be rude. I was curious. You aren’t going to like it. I want to apologize for it in advance. If you’ve already read it, then I really am sorry.

  Please write me back if you aren’t going to do it.

  Love,

  Sally

  “Do what?” Hazel said aloud, as if Sally were there with her.

  She picked up the second envelope. Her fingernails had to pick at the sides until the paper loosened. It didn’t feel like quality paper. She could see dirt and ink smudges on it. As for the text, she knew the handwriting. Her heart stopped.

  Doll,

  It’s me. Your brave and daring fiancé. I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that I was in a really horrible battle. My leg got the worst of things. It doesn’t have to be cut off or anything, but I won’t be able to walk on it for awhile. I broke my arm too, and I even got shot in the shoulder. Everybody’s been talking about how brave it was.

  I’m in a hospital in Italy right now. They say I’m not ready to fly. I will be, though. They say that I’ll be home between July 19th and July 31st. So, that’s the good news. I’ll be home in just a few weeks. We can finish up our wedding planning when I’m back. Then we can finally be wed.

  So, there is one more thing I want to say. I thought I was going to die out there, so that got me thinking. Really, the most important thing in life is family. I’ll need some time to recover at home when I get back, and then, I’ve decided I’d like to stay in Boston. Not permanently. I really want to be a farmer still, and we’ll eventually go back to Nebraska. I just want time with our family first.

  I’ve missed you a bunch. I bet you’ve missed me too. Well, I had to go serve my country. They won’t let me back now that I’m hurt and all that. Fine by me. I want to be home and married to you. Have you practiced being my wife?

  Hope you get this. I had to send this to Boston. I can’t remember our address in Nebraska.

  Your soldier,

  Eugene

  Hazel dropped the letter. She backed away from it until her back hit the refrigerator. The air was knocked from her lungs, and her knees buckled. She folded onto the floor with pain in her veins. There was no way to ignore the ring on her finger now. The choice was at her feet.

  Carolyn or Eugene.

  Thirty-two

  When Thompson came home, he had no interest in Carolyn whatsoever. He went to bed far earlier than usual. Carolyn snuck out once he was asleep and took to the fields. He didn’t know the difference. She was able to watch her sunrise.

  The pain wasn’t as intense. Mobility increased and so did her mood. She had a bounce in her step because just thinking about Hazel put a grin on her face. The thought of running away with Hazel was wonderful. She’d give anything to be with Hazel far from Debarr, both free.

  When she heard Hazel’s car come up the drive, s
he already knew something was wrong. Hazel was taking her time. She never went so slowly. After the engine shut off, Carolyn didn’t see Hazel coming. Most of the time, Hazel flew out of the car almost before she turned the engine off. Carolyn approached the fence, finding that Hazel was just then leaving her car.

  “Darlin?” Carolyn called.

  Hazel made her way to the fence. Her face was swollen from sobbing all morning. Carolyn brought Hazel into a tight embrace, ignoring how it made her body ache. Hazel squeezed Carolyn in return and buried her face in Carolyn’s neck. She wanted them to stay like that forever.

  “What’s happened?” Carolyn asked.

  “I got a few letters,” Hazel sniffled against Carolyn’s shoulder. Carolyn knew what Hazel was going to say before she opened her mouth. “It’s Eugene. He’s coming back any day now.”

  “Is he coming here?”

  “No. Boston. He was injured, so he needs some recovery time. He said that he wants to stay up north for awhile anyway. I’m not sure when he wants to come here. Could be months. Could be years. I don’t know. I don’t want to leave. I don’t want any of this. Everything is crashing around my ankles, and I can’t make it stop.”

  “I know, darlin. I know.”

  “My father is worse. Sally says that he’ll die if he doesn’t get a special treatment. It’s the most expensive treatment they’ve suggested yet. The Millers are probably the only family in Massachusetts that could afford it. They aren’t about to help my father in the name of charity. What am I supposed to do, Carolyn? I love my father, but…”

  “But you don’t love Eugene,” Carolyn finished.

  Hazel shook her head. “That’s not what I was going to say. I was going to say that I love my father, but I love you too.”

  “You love me?” Carolyn breathlessly asked.

  “I thought that was obvious,” Hazel murmured.

  Carolyn did everything that she could to deny her feelings since the day that she met Hazel, but that was over. As apprehensive as she was to lower her defenses, her heart finally won. She was shocked at how easily the phrase spilled from her mouth.

  “I love you too.”