Reckless Beginnings

by Tina Hogan Grant

  “It’s not. But it’s not the best either,” Judy said with a laugh. Tammy ducked her head inside the collar of her jacket in an attempt to avoid the rain hitting her face. She liked the central courtyard with the benches and tables, even though they’d been soaked with the day’s terrible weather. To the left, she spotted a gated community pool, which was unsurprisingly deserted because of the rain. Tammy envisioned it filled with sunbathing moms capturing every moment of peace while their children squealed and frolicked in the pool. Walking past the rooms, Tammy heard television sets blasting loud, children playing, couples fighting, and parents yelling at their kids. It wasn’t a quiet place, Tammy noticed.

  “This is a busy place,” Tammy stated as they approached room number 109 on the first floor.

  “Yeah, most of the people live here full time, like me. Mainly single moms and families on welfare,” Judy replied while pulling out a bunch of keys from the front pocket of her uniform. She unlocked the door and motioned with her head for Tammy to go inside. As Tammy stepped through the door, Judy threw her keys down on top of the TV set and opened the drapes to let in some light. “Well, this is it. Told you it wasn’t much, but it’s home to me and my babies.”

  Tammy glanced around the small, cluttered motel room. Protruding out into the middle of the room were two unmade queen-size beds with very little space between them and much less to walk around the edges. Piled on both beds were toys, clothes, and two laundry baskets filled with towels and even more clothes. Across every surface, various items were piled on top of each other in a jumbled mess. The single sink counter was stacked high with diapers and groceries, but she spotted a microwave and a hot plate among the clutter. Beneath the counter was a small black fridge, and to the right was a closed door, which Tammy assumed was the bathroom.

  Judy walked over to the sink, grabbed a towel hanging from the wall, and gently dabbed her damp hair. “Do you want a towel?” she asked.

  “Nah, I’m fine. Thanks.”

  After giving her hair a quick brush and checking it in the mirror, Judy untied her apron and flung it on the counter. “I have to pick up my kids. Do you mind hanging out here for a bit? I’ll just be a few minutes.”

  “Do you need a ride? It’s still raining. I don’t mind taking you.”

  “No, but thanks. My babysitter, Maria, lives here on the second floor.”

  “Oh, well that’s convenient,” Tammy remarked.

  “Yeah, it sure is. Especially since I don’t have a car right now.”

  As Judy headed toward the open door, Tammy darted in between the two beds to allow her to get by.

  “I won’t be long. Make yourself at home.”

  Tammy sat on the edge of one of the beds and scoured the room, picturing her and Matt living in such a place. Funnily enough, Steven wasn’t in the picture. She liked that. She thought how perfect it would be, and at least it was something she could afford on her own. She wondered about the babysitter on the premises and imagined how convenient that would be, too. If the motel had vacancies and the sitter was taking more kids, this could be a way out for her. The thought excited her. Maybe this was the solution she’d been looking for.

  In less than ten minutes, Judy returned carrying a sleeping baby boy in her arms and holding the hand of a shy four-year-old girl.

  “Hi, what’s your name?” Tammy asked the small girl.

  “Tell her your name, sweetie,” Judy said, giving her daughter’s hand a gentle shake.

  The little girl smiled. “It’s Kate.”

  “Hi, Kate, it’s nice to meet you. My name is Tammy.”

  Kate hid behind her mother. “Hi, Tammy.”

  “And this little guy is Christopher. He just turned nine months.”

  Tammy saw she was heading toward the bed and quickly jumped up. “Here, let me help,” she said, placing the laundry baskets on the floor.

  “Thanks.” Judy smiled and lay her son in the middle of the bed before covering him with a blanket. “Hey, Kate, how about you play with some of your Barbies over on the floor by the sink while your brother sleeps. Okay?”

  “Okay, Mommy.” Kate scooped up an armful of her dolls and skipped over to her designated spot.

  Tammy smiled and sat back down on one of the beds as she watched Kate organizing her dolls. “Aww, she’s so cute.”

  Judy sat across from her next to her son. “Thanks. As you can see, it gets pretty cramped in here, but we make do.”

  “How long have you lived here?” Tammy asked.

  “About six months.”

  Tammy wanted to know more. “Where’s the kids’ dad? Does he live here too?”

  Judy looked down at her son while she spoke, rubbing his stomach gently. “No, he doesn’t. He’s in prison and won’t be out for a while.”

  Tammy gasped. “In prison? For what?”

  “Oh, the usual. Drugs, selling drugs, using drugs. It’s not the first time. He’s always in and out of jail. I’m used to it.”

  Astounded that her husband seemed so much like Steven, Tammy was curious and had to ask. “Why do you put up with it? Why not leave him?”

  “I don’t really know. I know I should, and I tell myself that every time he gets arrested and goes back inside. I just can’t seem to do it. Plus, I don’t want to take the kids away from their daddy. They would be heartbroken. He’s not the best father, but he’s all they have.” And then, with a heavy sigh, she added, “And I guess, deep down, I’m hoping that the next time he gets out of jail, he’ll change and start being a good husband and a better father to our kids.” She paused and smiled. “Ha! I’m still waiting for that day.”

  Tammy detected her sarcasm. They both knew her husband was never going to change, but she continued to stay and tolerate his behavior because of the kids. Tammy felt like she was looking at her own reflection. Like Judy, she was just making excuses for Steven and it sickened her.

  “But it never happens, does it?” Tammy said, looking down at her clasped hands on her lap.

  “No, it doesn’t,” Judy replied, unable to hide the disappointment in her voice. “But I keep holding onto that dream,” she added, her eyes now misty.

  “You know, I can relate to what you’re going through,” Tammy said, reaching out and gently patting Judy’s leg.

  “You can?” Is your husband in jail too?”

  “No, but it’s just a matter of time.” Tammy paused briefly, wondering whether or not to disclose any more. “I’ve never told anyone this before. I think it’s because I’ve never met anyone that could understand me or understand what I’m going through. But you can.”

  “Go on,” Judy urged. She glanced across the room at her daughter to make sure she wasn’t listening, but Kate was still happily engrossed in Barbie world.

  “For the record, I’m not married. But the father of my child, Steven, is a drug addict. He doesn’t work. We’ve been living with his mother for almost two months, and I think it’s just a matter of time before he ends up in jail.” Tammy took a deep breath. She had just opened the gates to her troubled personal life and let someone in for the very first time. The emotions flooding through her were exhilarating; a feeling of hope and a sense of release. She felt like she’d just unblocked a valve and all the built-up pressure was bursting to freedom.

  No longer feeling alone in her nightmare, she now had someone to talk to and share it with. Tammy folded her arms and embraced herself with the new comfort she was experiencing. “When I look at you, I see me. I see myself living here with Matt. But I must confess, unlike you, I can’t tolerate Steven’s lifestyle. I want to leave him. Even though he’s my son’s father, I’m afraid for our safety. He’s been violent toward me in the past. If I stay, I truly believe he’s more than capable of doing serious harm to the both of us.”

  “Oh, wow…” Judy was shocked. She had no idea Tammy was hiding such a secret. “Dave, my kids’ father, isn’t a violent man. He’s never raised his voice or his hand to me or our kids. There are many nights
, though, where I’ve held my kids tightly and cried alone while my husband is hauled off to jail…again. He’s a drug addict, yes, and I feel sorry for him. He truly wants to quit and I believe him when he says he does. I tell myself that, one day, he’ll beat this addiction and be the husband and dad he truly wants to be. I must hold onto that dream. It’s what keeps me going, which is why I’m always here when he gets out. If he ever hit me or the kids, though, I’d be gone in a heartbeat.”

  Kate trotted back across the room, climbed onto her mother’s knee, and nestled in her arm. Judy kissed her daughter’s head before turning back to Tammy. “Why not see if they have a room available here? You said you liked it.”

  Tammy beamed. “I would love to live here. Anything’s better than living with Steven’s mum. Every day, I have to watch her own son constantly harass her for money. She has no clue what’s going on. In her eyes, Steven’s an angel. I can’t bear to watch it anymore.”

  “Well, if you want, we can go down to the office and ask if they have any vacancies.”

  “Really?” Tammy said excitedly.

  “Sure, I’ll take you as soon as Christopher wakes up. In the meantime…” Judy leaned over and tickled Kate. “I need to feed this little girl.”

  Kate giggled, got up from her knees and followed her mother to the counter, where Judy made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for Kate, and a cup of coffee for herself and Tammy.

  Tammy left the Palms Motel feeling hopeful. In the matter of an afternoon, everything was falling into place. She got the last room available on the second floor. It was identical to Judy’s with two beds, a small fridge, cooker, microwave, and a bathroom—everything included but without the clutter. Fearing it may soon be rented, she’d jumped on it and took the room for one hundred fifty dollars a week, paying a week’s rent in advance.

  Judy also took her to meet her babysitter, Marie, a nice Hispanic woman who spoke good English. Tammy liked her right away. She had the experience and offered many references. Best of all, her rates were affordable. After discussing her hours, Marie agreed to watch Matt once she had settled in.

  Already late for picking up Matt, Judy walked Tammy down to her car, accompanied by Christopher in her arms and Kate holding tightly onto her hand. The rain had finally stopped and people were beginning to filter out of their rooms with their kids. “I’m forever grateful for your help. In one afternoon, my life has completely changed for the better, and I owe it all to you.”

  “You’re welcome. I’m looking forward to having you for a neighbor. We can help each other.”

  “I’m at your mercy,” Tammy said with a laugh.

  Tammy leaned in and gave Judy a light hug, being careful not to squish her son. “Bye. And, again, thank you.” Before stepping into her car, she knelt in front of Kate. “Bye, Kate.”

  “Bye,” Kate replied before hiding behind her mother again. Tammy laughed at the shy little girl.

  Driving home, Tammy’s thoughts turned to Steven. The last obstacle left before she could move. How was she going to handle him? She didn’t want a scene in front of Matt or his mother. Tammy was certain Steven wouldn’t want to leave the comforts of his mother’s home or, more importantly, her money. But would he let her leave? She had the idea to leave before he returned home but soon scratched it, knowing he would only show up at her work the next day and cause chaos. She couldn’t risk losing her job. The only option she had was to tell him when his mother was present, in the hope Elizabeth would be able to keep him calm. Tammy shuddered as she imagined what his reaction might be.

  After picking up Matt, Tammy headed home to share her news with Elizabeth. Bounding through the front door, Tammy was shocked when she found Elizabeth sitting on the couch, sobbing into a white cotton handkerchief. Still cradling Matt in one arm, Tammy rushed to her side. “My goodness, Elizabeth. What’s happened?”

  Her crying intensified as Tammy wrapped her free arm around her shoulders. In between sniffles, Elizabeth wiped her eyes and said, “Oh, Tammy! Steven called me.”

  “And?”

  Elizabeth shook her head and cried into her handkerchief.

  “Is he okay?” Tammy asked.

  “He’s been arrested,” she replied. “He’s in jail. He said he was arrested for selling drugs. My boy doesn’t sell drugs!”

  While comforting Steven’s mother, Tammy was silently rejoicing. It took all her strength to refrain from dancing across the room and screaming “YES!” out of the window. Unbeknown to Elizabeth, Tammy was thrilled he was locked up—she just hoped it would be for a long time. Now she wouldn’t have to listen to his protests. For her, the timing couldn’t have been more perfect. The final obstacle had been resolved.

  Chapter 43

  Not wanting to leave Elizabeth while she was so distraught over Steven’s arrest, Tammy waited a few days before taking the plunge into single motherhood.

  Steven had collect-called her at his mother’s house the day after his arrest. With the security of jail walls safely between them, Tammy told him she was moving.

  “So, now that I’m locked up, you decide to move,” Steven yelled down the phone. “And what about my mother? You can’t leave her by herself,” he added, still yelling.

  With his mother in her own bedroom, Tammy yelled back, hoping Elizabeth wouldn’t hear her. “This has nothing to do with you being locked up. I got the place before I even found out you’d been arrested. Matt and I need our own space. And what about your mother? She’s been on her own for years, yet suddenly you’re concerned? You’re just using that as an excuse. Don’t worry, I’ll pop in and check on her occasionally, which is more than you’ve ever done in the past five years.”

  “And what the fuck is that supposed to mean? Are you telling me I don’t care about my mother?”

  Tammy rolled her eyes. “Steven, you can interpret it however you want. I’m not going to argue with you. You either like it or you don’t. I really don’t fucking care anymore.” She was done explaining herself to him. “Your mother will be fine. I gotta go.”

  “Wait, bitch! Don’t you hang up on me!”

  She’d had enough of his bullying. Placing the phone back on its cradle, she beamed with a satisfied smile.

  * * *

  Steven was charged with the selling of narcotics and being under the influence of a controlled substance. He was sentenced to ninety days in jail and would probably end up serving forty-five.

  Within twenty-four hours of being locked up, his withdrawals came on strong. First came the intense headaches, followed by the dizziness and nausea. A few hours later, the shakes began. Steven watched his hands tremble uncontrollably while trying to beat the sweats and his dripping nose. Feeling like his body was being turned inside out, the pain in his gut became unbearable and brought him to his knees, causing him to scream in constant agony.

  For the first two nights, he didn’t sleep; he tossed and turned in wrenching pain, his calls and cries ignored by the guards. They had seen and heard it all before. Other inmates laughed and told him to take it like a man.

  By the end of the week, the pains began to subside and the withdrawals were easier to handle and happened less frequently. Once again, Steven told himself he was done with drugs. God had given him another chance and he was now a new man.

  After prying his mother for Tammy’s phone number, he called her and explained all about the new person he’d transformed into and swore he’d learned his lesson. Tammy had heard it all before and no longer believed his empty promises. While locked up, he had no choice but to stay sober, but she wasn’t convinced he would remain clean once released. The temptations would always haunt him, and the cravings would still exist as a constant reminder of the power drugs had over him. She knew without a doubt that he would eventually cave into that power and would yet again become submissive to the drug. To her, it was just a vicious cycle that she no longer wanted to be a part of.

  It’d now been two weeks since Tammy moved out of Elizabeth’s and took
up residency in the Clifford Motel. Being away from him was like a breath of fresh air. As the days turned into weeks, Tammy was adapting to and enjoying the role of being a single mother. Gone were the days of having to walk around on eggshells in fear of Steven’s mood swings. Her money was hers, and hiding it was no longer necessary. For the first time in such a long time, she had control of her life again and she wasn’t going to let anyone take that away. The motel wasn’t much, but it was home to her and Matt.

  Having Judy close by was comforting. They spent many hours sharing each other’s stories and giving one another support, each agreeing how much the fathers were missing out on their kids’ lives because of drugs.

  Tammy cherished the quality time she got to spend with Matt on her days off, even if parts of those days were spent catching up with the laundry and cleaning the room.

  She had just returned from the community laundry room with a basket of clean clothes under one arm and Matt cooing in the other when the phone rang. She placed Matt in his playpen and answered the phone. “Hello?”

  “Hi, Tammy. It’s your dad.”

  “Dad! What a surprise. How are you?”

  “Good, listen, I have some great news.”

  Tammy quickly picked up on the excitement in his voice. “You do? What is it?”

  “I just received a phone call from The Boston Police Department. You’re not going to believe this but…”

  Tammy heard her dad choking up on the other end of the line. Growing impatient and now concerned, Tammy urged him on. “What, Dad? What is it?”

  He took a deep breath and said, “Donna has been found.”

  “What!” Tammy screamed as she fell to her knees in disbelief, consumed by an overwhelming surge of emotions.

  “Is she okay? Where is she?” She had so many questions that she couldn’t get them out fast enough.

  “From what I understand, she’s going to be fine. She’s in the hospital right now.”