Worth The Fight

by Rachael Brownell

  "You look a little flush all the sudden," Sasha notes as she sets a baking sheet with garlic bread on the counter next to the stove.

  Great.

  "I'm fine."

  Lies. All lies. I keep lying to her when I should be telling her the truth. That I'm confused. That I'm feeling things for Liam I've never felt before. That I'm scared out of my mind I'll lose him whether or not our relationship changes.

  I need advice. She knows both of us. Who better than to talk this through than with her?

  "Look, Cass. Make yourself a plate. We'll eat and talk some more. You can start telling me the truth, and I'll do my best to give you the advice I know you'd give me if the situation were reversed."

  Handing me a plate with a sinister smile on her face, Sasha appears proud of herself. I should have known she'd see through my bullshit. She may be the quiet one, but those are the people you should worry about. They see the most, even if they don't say the most.

  Just like Marley.

  As we take a seat at the tiny table, Sasha begins talking about all the little things she needs to do before the wedding next weekend. Things she won't let anyone help her with. Picking up her dress from the boutique. Putting together centerpieces and making bouquets.

  They're having a small, intimate ceremony and reception. Only close friends and family. No wedding party, even though I'll be getting ready with her in the bridal suite.

  Sasha wanted a simple wedding.

  One where she wasn't stressing about if everyone was having fun. She wanted it to be about her and Kevin, no one else. And I'm fairly certain she's accomplished that.

  Only, I feel bad she's here instead of taking care of wedding details. I've become a burden on her, and that's not something I like to be.

  "You know, you can go back and take care of the wedding. I'll be fine."

  "Sorry, girl. I have strict instructions not to return unless you're with me. So let's figure this shit out." Pushing her plate to the side, she continues, "Tell me what happened and don't leave out a single detail."

  "Nothing happened," I start but then notice the look on her face. "Fine. Something happened, but it's no big deal."

  "Then why are you here and not there?"

  "Because I needed to clear my head."

  "Why?"

  "I wanted to think about a few things, that's all. And I couldn't do that in Liam's apartment."

  "Why not?"

  She's pushing me, and she's not going to stop until I come clean. Until I explain what's going on inside my head. The problem with her tactic is I'm not sure what's going on in my head or how to explain how I feel right now.

  "We kissed," I blurt out.

  "You've kissed before. But you've never run away from him before."

  "This was different."

  "How?"

  "It was . . . intimate."

  "And your heart jumped for joy."

  "Something like that."

  "Cass"—she leans over the table toward me—"I get that it scared you, but I don't understand why. Explain that to me. This is Liam we're talking about, not some random guy. You know him better than anyone else. Kissing him shouldn't scare you."

  "Kissing him should scare me more than kissing anyone else," I reply defensively, causing her to settle back in her chair. "He's the one person in my life I can count on. My constant. My past, present, and future. Without him, I'm lost. I have no one. Nothing. I don't know what I'd do without him."

  "You should be running toward him, not away from him if that's how you feel, then."

  "That's just it, I don't know how I feel. Of course I love him, Sasha. There's no doubt in my mind. But do I love him as a friend or as more? I can't answer that question. The thought of it makes me want to crawl out of my own skin. Because if I love him as more, and things between us change, I could lose him. My life wouldn't be the same without him in it. I can't imagine it, and I don't want to."

  "So you want to play it safe?"

  "What do you mean safe?"

  Sasha chuckles to herself before standing and clearing the table.

  "You refuse to take the chance, to let yourself love him, because you're afraid to lose him. I get it. Life is scary. So is love. Do you honestly think you'd lose him if things didn't work out between the two of you?"

  "If we cross that line, there's no turning back in my mind," I state wholeheartedly.

  "You're right. You wouldn't be able to go back to the way things were, but that doesn't mean you would lose him, Cass. This is Liam we're talking about. The man loves you more than he loves himself. He would walk through fire for you. Move mountains to make you happy. He lives and breathes for you and only you. You have to see that."

  I want to believe her. That his feelings for me are that strong, because deep down, I know they are. It's the same way I feel about him. As my best friend. The one person on this Earth I was meant to have as part of my life. Forever.

  But those same feelings can change in the blink of an eye.

  And if they ever did, I wouldn't recover.

  Chapter Twelve

  Kicking Sasha out was a battle I didn't think I would win at first. The only reason she left was because I promised her I wouldn't miss the wedding. Not that I was planning on staying that long. I have one more night here, and I'll jump on the road in the morning.

  I also promised her I would call Liam so he would stop worrying about me. And I will, but I'm not ready yet. I still need to figure out what I want, and talking to him will sway me. So instead, I sent him a text message after she left.

  ME: Sasha is on her way back. I'll be home tomorrow night.

  His reply is instantaneous, as if he was waiting by his phone.

  LIAM: Are you okay? Can you come back today so we can talk?

  ME: I'm fine. Just clearing my head. We'll talk when I get back tomorrow.

  LIAM: I'll be here.

  Of course he will.

  I'd expect no less from him. In fact, I can see him pacing in front of the door right now, waiting for me to arrive. A look of concern on his face mixed with excitement.

  Liam has three signature looks. Three different smiles. Three different stances. One look at him and I can usually determine what he's thinking.

  The first one, when he's happy or excited. His eyes light up, his smile slightly higher on the right than the left, and his hands tend to either go to his hips or he clasps them together behind his back. It's like he's trying to keep from bouncing up and down like a six-year-old being offered ice cream for dinner.

  Then there's when he's angry, bothered, or annoyed. His face remains flat. No smile. No frown. A blank expression. His stare and his hands are what gives him away. He looks at you as if he's looking through you. Staring into your eyes and seeing all that is evil about you. And his hands . . . he appears calm, cool, and collected, his arms hanging limply at his side, but his hands are clenched into tight fists.

  Finally, and this one is new to me, is when he’s turned on. It's similar to his happy look, but there's more depth to his eyes. His smile takes on a more sinister and devious look. But it's his hands that are the big difference in the two. They have to find something to grip onto.

  Whether it be the edge of the counter to contain himself or my hips, holding on is what keeps him in control.

  And I didn't even realize it until I woke up this morning after dreaming about him last night. A very vivid replay of our interaction. One that left me filled with need when I woke up.

  And as I stare out at the lake in front of me, my phone resting in my lap, I focus on that look. On the way he was staring into the depth of my soul. The way it felt when it lifted me off the ground, my legs wrapping around his hips. How tight he squeezed the back of my thighs as he pressed his body against me.

  Closing my eyes, I lean my head back against the deck chair and allow my mind to reel with possibilities. I weigh my options. Every potential outcome. The possibility of happiness versus losing Liam. Knowing that I love Li
am, with everything in my body, and realizing that as hard as I try to convince myself and everyone around me, I know this love I feel is not for him as a friend.

  Maybe it's been building over time. Changing. Evolving into something more.

  I didn't realize it happened. I didn't plan for this.

  Nonetheless, it has.

  I shouldn't be surprised. When we kissed the first time, I felt it. My heart soared when our lips met. It felt right even though I was trying to tell myself it should feel wrong.

  Thinking over the last few years, I try to pinpoint the moment things changed. When I first started to see him as more than a friend. When we actually crossed the line without knowing it.

  The only moment that stands out is our first night at college. His parents had just left. He was in his dorm room one floor above me and I was in mine. He sent me a text to meet him in the stairwell, and I didn't hesitate. He was on the landing waiting for me and pulled me into his arms and held me for ten minutes before either of us said anything.

  He was wearing a T-shirt and dark jeans. I was in a pair of short running shorts and a tank top. The night was warm and the humidity in the air was suffocating, but neither of us made a move to separate. Even when I started to sweat, I let him hold me.

  We were on a new adventure, and I was, once again, leaning on him to traverse the unknown with me. The way he always had.

  It was Liam who spoke first.

  "I love you, Cass, and I'm happy we're doing this together."

  "I love you too. I wouldn't want to do this with anyone else."

  "Together forever?"

  It was a question. At the time, I couldn't believe he wouldn't know the answer to it.

  "Always."

  A simple statement or a profession of love? Either way, something changed that night between us. I can see it clearly now.

  We weren't kids anymore. We were in college. Living on our own. Working toward our future. Everything that happened after that moment was our decision. We chose our paths, and those paths led both of us back here, to each other.

  Garrett and I broke up a few weeks after that night.

  Liam had started dating some slut who lived in the dorm next door, but it didn't last. I became “friends” with a guy from my English class at the end of our first semester, and Liam found another girl to occupy his time.

  We were never single at the same time. That didn't stop us from hanging out. Going to parties together, with or without our current significant others. Our friendship seemed to be the reason a lot of his relationships ended. I never felt bad, because if they couldn't understand how important to him I was, they didn't deserve him.

  None of them were good enough for Liam. I made sure to let him know that on a regular basis. He felt the same way about both guys I had relationships with after Garrett. He was a little less vocal than I was, but I could still tell in the way he acted around them.

  It wasn't jealousy, it was irritation.

  And then we graduated. Came back home. Settled into our lives, and suddenly Garrett was back in the picture.

  That's when Liam started dating anyone who would spread their legs for him. He didn't have a hard time finding someone either. I'm surprised there wasn't a line at his front door. Or maybe there was and he didn't tell me about it.

  He was distant for a few weeks. Right after Garrett and I got engaged. I thought it was because he didn't approve, and now I know I was partially correct. Not only did he not approve of Garrett but, if I married him, he would lose me. Not as his best friend, but he'd lose any chance he had at being with me. At loving me the way he truly wanted to.

  Do I think he would have stood up at the wedding and objected to our marriage? No. It's not his style. He would have rather let me marry and live in misery than to stop my wedding. Especially if he thought it was what I wanted. Because like Sasha said, he would do anything to make me happy, even if it meant he wasn't.

  Watching as the sun begins to set over the water, the colors of the sky shifting from oranges and reds to deep hues of blue, a sense of calm washes over me.

  I know what I want. My vision is clear.

  There's no other choice I would have made. No matter what the outcome of my decision is, I'm prepared to live with it. To move forward and take life one day at a time.

  As I patiently wait for the gate to open so I can pull into the parking lot, I suck in a deep breath and let it out slowly. My knee has been bouncing up and down the entire drive home, my nerves on end. I'm anxious to put this uneasiness between us to bed, but there's so much uncertainty that I can't help but be concerned about how Liam will respond.

  Pulling into my spot next to his car, I know I won't have to wait long to find out. True to his word, he's here. Waiting for me. Hell, I'm surprised he's not pacing the parking lot. I texted him when I was ten minutes away to let him know I was almost home.

  You know, in case he wasn't tracking my phone already. I'm sure he was. I guarantee he was nervous I wouldn't actually come back home today even though I promised I would.

  He never replied.

  Leaving me to wonder whether he was here. Whether he was ready to talk.

  I have the answer to one of those questions, and now it's time to find out the answer to the other.

  As the elevator doors slide open, I hear shouting coming from down the hall. When I turn the corner, Liam is standing in the middle of the hallway, his fists clenched at his sides, hollering. His body is blocking the other person, but as soon as they speak, I know who he's arguing with.

  "Get the fuck out of my building. Get the fuck out of our life," Liam states firmly, his voice rising an octave.

  "You don't get to make those decisions for her. You're just friends, remember?"

  Garrett's lucky Liam doesn't punch him in the throat after the emphasis he put on the word friends. He liked to throw it in Liam's face any time he could when we first started dating, back when he didn't believe we weren't fucking behind his back.

  "I don't care what you think about our relationship, you need to leave. She's not here, and even if she was, she doesn't want to see you. Ever. Again."

  "Don't be so sure of that. I saw the way she was looking at me the other night. She still loves me, and that drives you crazy, doesn't it?"

  Is he fucking crazy? He has to be if he thinks I was looking at him in any way other than disgust. I'm about to tell him that, but I don't get the chance.

  Liam lunges forward, and the next thing I see is Garrett being lifted off the ground by the front of his shirt and slammed against the wall.

  "She doesn't love you, Garrett. She sees you for who you are now. A worthless piece of shit. Cassidy deserves someone who will love and cherish her. Someone who will treat her with the respect she deserves. Who only has eyes for her and will spend their entire life doing whatever it takes to make her happy. That person is not you."

  At some point during Liam's rant, Garrett catches sight of me approaching them. A slight smile forms on his lips when I place my hand on Liam's shoulder, and he releases Garrett without warning. He crumples to the ground with a loud thud.

  "Hey, Cass," Garrett begins, pushing himself off the ground. "I came to—"

  "You came to cause trouble. To try and weasel your way back into my life. Well, let me save us both the waste of time and energy. I want nothing to do with you, Garrett. I may have forgiven you, but I will never forget what you did to me. It wasn't an accident. She didn't fall into your lap. You were going to break up with me and instead proposed to save face.

  "There's no reason for you to be here. You have Kendra. You wanted to be with her, so go be with her. Live the life you wanted because you sure as hell didn't want one with me. And, let's be honest here, what happened was the best thing for both of us. You were able to stop lying and I was saved from making the biggest mistake of my life. I call that a win-win."

  Garrett's jaw is hanging open slightly, and I really want to laugh but I don't. I straighten my shoulder
s and hold my composure as I wait to see if he has anything to say. When he doesn't reply, I turn and walk through our open front door, Liam hot on my heels.

  He slams it closed, and the dead bolt slides into place seconds later. No sooner have I dropped my bag at my feet than he's whirling me around and his lips are on mine. It's a quick kiss, but there's no mistaking the passion behind it.

  "I'm so proud of you," he says against my lips before pulling me tight against his chest, wrapping his arms around me. I do the same, clasping mine behind his back.

  Home.

  It's not the place you live, it's the feeling you get. The feeling of unconditional love. Of acceptance and admiration.

  That's how I feel in Liam's arms. I feel like I'm home.

  To be honest, I always have. I just didn't realize what the feeling was or how important. Until this moment.

  "I'm glad you're back," Liam says, resting his chin on my head. "This place felt empty without you here."

  "You lived alone for years before I moved in." My counter is weak, but I'm not sure what else to say.

  "And it always felt empty. Like something was missing. You are what was missing, Cass. Please tell me you're not leaving me."

  Letting out a sigh, I squeeze him tightly but don't respond. I knew we were going to have this talk when I got home. I didn't realize it was going to be the moment I walked through the door though.

  "You have to say the words out loud. I need to hear you say them. No matter what it is you've decided, tell me I'm not going to lose you, Cass."

  The worry in his voice stabs me in the chest, bringing tears to my eyes. He's afraid he's going to lose me. I get it. I feel the same way. The last thing I want is to live a life without Liam being a part of it.

  And I won't.

  I refuse to.

  Pushing out of his embrace, I then reach down for my bag to avoid eye contact with him.

  "I'm gonna unpack and then we can talk," I state, walking out of the room before he can see the tears building up in my eyes.