Copper (Hell's Handlers MC Book 4)

by Lilly Atlas

  Alone. Scared. Ashamed.

  He had so many questions. So much more he needed to know. Needed to know. He’d never survive without knowing exactly what his brother put her through.

  “Did he hurt you, physically? Was he rough with you?” His eye twitched and horrible mental images of Shell being violated danced before his eyes. That was why he needed to know. His own imagination would run rampant if he didn’t get the specifics.

  A heavy sigh left Shell. “Do you really want the details, Copper? They don’t change the outcome. You don’t need the facts torturing you for the rest of your life.”

  He walked to her again. Somehow, some way, he would convince her none of the past mattered when it came to his love for her. Actually, that was a lie. It mattered a great deal. The tremendous sacrifice she made to protect him demonstrated the strength of her feelings for him more than any words could ever convey. Even if it took the rest of his life, he’d show Shell she was worthy of every ounce of his love. She was precious. She was remarkable.

  She was his queen.

  “I need to hear it, Shell. Every single detail.”

  “Why?” She blinked up at him.

  “Because when I’m killing Rusty in the most painful way I can drum up, I want to know exactly what I’m killing him for.” If she were anyone else, he’d never utter those words, but Shell would live with the security of the knowledge that the man who hurt her no longer breathed. He’d never come for their daughter, never touch her again.

  With a gasp, Shell shook her head. “No, Copper. You can’t kill him. He’s your brother. Your blood.”

  “And he took you against your will. For years,” he replied as the grip on her shoulders tightened. “I’d have killed him for one time alone. But to know he did it for years? Fuck, Shell.”

  “That’s the other reason I never told anyone. I can’t live with that on my conscience.”

  “His death?” Copper frowned.

  She gripped his T-shirt. “No, not his death, but knowing you felt like you had to kill your own brother because of me. How are we supposed to have a life together when every time you look at me you think of how you killed your brother over me?”

  Unfortunately, Shell had a small point. Not that he would ever blame her for Rusty’s death, that motherfucker sealed his own fate, but could he actually pull the trigger? Could he actually end the life of his own flesh and blood? Could he kill a man he’d loved and looked after his entire life?

  One look at Shell’s tear-stained face and the anguish in her eyes and the answer was so clear it was practically transparent.

  Fuck yes, he could end Rusty. He’d killed before and never once lost an ounce of sleep. Never wasted a moment on regret because the world was a better place for each life he’d taken.

  “You’re wrong, Shell. After I end his miserable life, I won’t think of him ever again. I won’t waste one second of the time I have with you and Beth thinking about that piece of shit.”

  “Copper…he’s still your brother.”

  “No. He’s fucking not. If it helps, his fate was sealed for more reasons than what he did to you. He stole from the club. He partnered with Lefty.” Fuck, how could he have been so blind? Along with obsessing over Shell, he’d spent the last five days second guessing his ability to lead the MC. How would he hold the men’s trust if he couldn’t see his own brother was a sociopathic traitor? “Now tell me if he hurt you physically.”

  Shell groaned and banged her forehead against his chest. “No. Not the way you mean. Sometimes it was…uncomfortable because I never wanted it, was never in the mood, if you know what I mean. I can’t believe I’m telling you all this,” she mumbled into his shirt.

  That fucking piece of shit. He knew exactly what she meant. Rusty wanted to fuck and didn’t give a shit if Shell was wet or dry as the desert. Even the Honeys were treated better than that.

  Copper wrapped one arm around her back and grabbed her hair with the other hand. A gentle tug had her looking up at him. Red blazed across her cheeks while her gaze refused to meet his. “There is nothing to be embarrassed about, Shell. There will be no secrets between us any longer. I will know you inside and out just as you will know me. Nothing that has happened to you makes me think any less of you. Amazing isn’t a strong enough word to describe you, baby, but it’s all I’ve got because I’m completely amazed by you. By your beauty.” He kissed her once, soft and sweet. “By your strength.” Another kiss. “By your loyalty.” Kiss. “By the way you raise your daughter.” Kiss. “And by your heart.”

  “Copper…” Tears fell from her eyes. Eyes that shone with so much love for him. He was the luckiest fucker in the world. Completely undeserving of her devotion but selfish enough to snatch up every ounce of it and keep her all to himself.

  “Tell me, baby.”

  “All right. You win. I’ll tell you. Later, when you wish you didn’t know, remember I warned you.” She gave him the first small smile of the night.

  “Start talking.”

  Now she rolled her eyes and relief hit him. That was his Shell. “Always so bossy.”

  “You’re stalling.” He tugged on her hair.

  Shell bit her lower lip and emitted a small growl before she began. “Ninety percent of the time, Rusty would show up at my house while my mom was out. He’d have that smirk on his face, tell me to take my clothes off, and he’d do his thing. It was usually over in fifteen minutes tops, thank God. Then he’d leave, and I’d take the hottest shower possible and cry myself to sleep.”

  Copper swallowed and steeled his features. Showing the fury burning his gut wouldn’t help Shell. She’d just feel worse. He was coming to realize she was right, he didn’t want these details, but he still fucking needed them so he’d nut up and internalize every single word. The rage would come in handy later.

  “But there were times, usually whenever something good happened to you, that he was different. It’d be your birthday or a club celebration where you were getting credit for whatever happened, or you’d come down on him for something, and he’d show up all full of hatred for you. He’d rant and rave for a while then turn his attention to me. Those days, he’d whisper in my ear that he owned me. That you would never touch me because he’d been there first. And he’d touch me. Different than his norm. Like he was a man on a mission, trying to make me,” she cleared her throat, “trying to make me c-come.” The last part was said so low he almost missed it. “I faked it after the first time because he slapped me when nothing happened. So, I guess he did hurt me the one time.

  “Anyway, afterward, he’d talk about how much I loved what he was doing to me. And he’d tell me that one day he would let you know how much I wanted him and how hard I came for him.” There was a hitch in her voice, and the tears increased. “I fought it in my mind, but there were two times he was particularly persistent. Doing things to try and get me off. And…and it happened.”

  Her knees buckled, and he tightened his hold as her tears morphed into full body-wracking sobs. Never in his life had a feeling of helplessness quite like he experienced at that moment overtaken him. Combined with gut-wrenching guilt and disdain for his own brother, and his head was fucked.

  “Baby,” he said, the words sounding like they came from a dying animal.

  “I’m so sorry,” Shell said around the most heart-breaking sobs he’d ever heard.

  “Jesus Christ, baby, you don’t have a fucking thing to be sorry for. Not one fucking thing.” He loved her with every fiber of his being and had no clue how to take this pain from her. So he held her plastered against his chest with a grip so tight she probably couldn’t breathe. But he couldn’t let her go. All he wanted was for some of his warmth and love to bleed into her and heal her battered soul.

  Slowly the sobs abated and turned to hitching breaths. “That’s why I saw a therapist. I couldn’t live with the shame and guilt of it all. I couldn’t wrap my mind around how that could happen during an act I hated. She gave me studies to read,
told me it was not uncommon for a woman’s body to have a physical reaction even when being raped. Learning that helped some, but I was messed up for a long time, Copper. The day Rusty was arrested for assault was the same day I found out I was pregnant. As soon as he was convicted, I packed my bags and took off. For a while, I had some negative feelings about the pregnancy that make me want to throw up when I think about them today. Eventually, my roommate convinced me to seek help. She didn’t know anything about what had happened, but she could see I was in a dark, dangerous place.”

  Every word drove the dagger deeper into his heart. “Did it help, baby?”

  “Yes. After a while. I saw the therapist for almost two years. Every single session she would tell me it wasn’t my fault. Wasn’t my shame to bear. That I couldn’t blame my body for reacting in a way it was programmed to respond. Then she’d make me say it. Over and over. Until I started to believe it.

  “The first time she called what happened rape, I got pissed and left the session early. I hadn’t thought of it as rape because I allowed it to happen and never fought him. The next time, she told me if I didn’t want to view myself as a rape survivor I didn’t have to, but when it came down to it, I was coerced into sexual acts I didn’t want. So it technically was a sexual assault. Anyway, Beth was born, and I fell in love with her. But as time went on, I missed home until I could barely breathe. With Rusty in prison, I thought it was safe to come back for a few years. Until Beth was older and raising her wasn’t so all-consuming.”

  Rubbing a hand over her slender back, he said, “So you never planned to stay here?”

  “Not long term. But I’d never imagined Rusty getting out on good behavior.”

  “I should have seen who he was and what he was. Fuck! I should have protected you.” The guilt was almost unbearable. How could she stand to look at him let alone be so giving with her body and heart? She should hate him for what she endured on his behalf.

  “No, Copper. Please don’t say that. Don’t make me regret telling you. You said you needed to know, so I told you, but I’ll never forgive myself if you look at me with guilt in your eyes from now on.” Her pleading voice and the desperate way she clutched fistfuls of his shirt nearly did him in. Never again would this woman know an ounce of suffering at another’s hands. He’d make sure of it with his fucking life.

  “I’ll try,” he said. It was as far as he could promise at that moment. How the fuck was he supposed to keep himself from feeling guilty? Killing Rusty would go a long way toward solving that problem, but some element of guilt would always lie with him. A step toward paying back the deep debt he owed her was necessary. But he’d keep that tidbit to himself because his sweet and wonderful Shell would never see it that way.

  “What now?” she asked in a small, uncertain voice.

  “If you think for one second that we are over, you better reset your mind. Cuz there’s no fucking way I’m letting you walk ten feet out of my life.” He’d chase her to the ends of the earth if need be. She wasn’t getting away from him. Not now, not ever. He loved her, and her place was by his side. Always.

  Finally, a genuine smile graced her perfect lips. “That’s good because I need you so much.” She swallowed and gazed up at him. “And I love you. I’ve loved you most of my life. I think I was born to love you, Copper. Please don’t feel guilty about my past. I’d make the same choices again if I had to because they gave me Beth, kept you out of jail, and led us to each other.”

  She loved him.

  His knees buckled. He didn’t deserve her. There wasn’t a man in his club who’d disagree because no man on earth was good enough for her. But he’d work toward deserving the coveted spot in her life.

  And he’d make damn sure his queen never had to choose to protect him over her own wellbeing again.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

  THE MOMENT THE admission of love tumbled from her, a tormented groan left Copper. He dropped to his knees at her feet. Immediately, his fingers went to work on the button of her jeans. After he’d popped it open, down went the zipper.

  “Copper!” Shell swatted his busy hands. “Wait, what are you…we have more to talk about—”

  Her efforts were useless. Those callused hands worked the denim over her hips, shoved her shirt above her breasts, then landed on her ass.

  “Copper, hold on a minute.” Man, that felt good. His palms were hot and so big, they spanned her entire ass with an eye-crossing squeeze. Why was she protesting this again?

  Oh yeah, she’d just admitted her most traumatizing experience to him. Not to mention revealing she loved him. And his psycho of a brother was MIA. A few things were needing to be worked out before they got naked.

  In the next instant, Copper’s lips pressed to her C-section scar, soft and adoring. Starting at one end, he kissed a reverent path across the thin pink line that saved her daughter’s life. Wide-eyed, Shell swallowed a lump of emotion. She froze, staring down at him with her arms hovering in midair. For a million dollars, she couldn’t have shifted from that spot.

  After he loved on her scar, Copper rested his forehead against her bare stomach. He circled his arms around her lower back, locking them in a tight embrace. Shell dropped her hands to his hair, running her fingers through the soft strands as he held her. After a few seconds, her forehead wrinkled.

  What was—

  A drop of moisture trickled down her stomach soaking into the band of her lowcut bikini panties. Her breath came to a complete standstill.

  Oh my God. Copper is crying.

  Never in her life had she imagined anything taking the pillar of a man down. He seemed impervious to the elements, was almost always in control, and made every obstacle he encountered look like an ant hill instead of a mountain. But there he was at her feet, weeping for her. For what she’d endured. The need to comfort him swamped her. Such a powerful man should never have to experience something that would take him to his knees.

  Knowing what toppled him was what happened to her? That he felt so deeply for her? It was a moment she’d never forget. A moment imprinted on her heart and her mind in a combination of love and dismay.

  “Baby,” she whispered. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she held him tight and rocked them back and forth. “I’m okay, Aiden. I have a beautiful daughter I love more than life, and I have you. Yes, it took time, and I needed help, but I survived and moved on from what happened. I meant what I said, no guilt. No more sadness. It’s over. We both need to let the past stay where it belongs now.”

  Maybe it was easier for her to say at this point because she’d had years to learn to live with her past while the information was brand new to Copper. Facing Rusty and making him suffer for what he did would be Copper’s therapy. A man of action, he’d need to physically do something to come to grips with her experience. She couldn’t condone it, should try to stop him, but she wouldn’t. He needed to handle things his way, the MC way. Shell both trusted and loved him enough to recognize who he was and let him do what he needed to keep them safe.

  Copper lifted his head and stared up at her. The dampness on his cheeks hurt her heart. As tall as he was, when he rose to a high kneel, his head reached her chin. The hands she loved on her body grasped her head, and he whispered, “Michelle Ward, I love you so fucking much. I was an asshole in my office the other day. The way I reacted haunts me. Please forgive me. If you allow me in your life, I will spend every day proving to you how much I love you and your beautiful daughter.”

  Best declaration of love ever.

  Her heart filled to capacity. Although she’d been in love with him for as long as she could remember, she never expected anything to come of it. The first time Rusty touched her, her dream died. The memory of that horrifying moment would never fully fade away. Not what he did to her physically, that she couldn’t recall at all because she’d been so lost in her head, despairing over the fact that the one thing she’d wanted her whole life would never occur. The certainty that Copper wouldn’t be able t
o stand the sight of her once he’d found out she’d been with Rusty. Yet, here they were, years later, declaring their love for one another. Every wish she’d ever cast into the universe was for this very moment to transpire.

  “You don’t need to apologize for anything, Copper. I don’t blame you for your reaction. Not only were you blindsided, but you were blindsided by something you’d never considered a possibility. I’m just so grateful you gave me this chance to explain what happened and that you believe me. Of course, I want you in my life,” she said, stroking the soft hair on his face. “You’re the only man I’ll ever want in my life,” she said.

  He kissed her then, sensual and so deep it felt like he was trying to merge them into one. The room spun, and Shell’s body responded with a sudden, overwhelming need. It’d been an emotional night for the record books. She needed the pleasure of the mind and body connection she’d found with Copper.

  He stood, scooping her up as though she weighed no more than a bag of feathers. Immediately, she locked her legs around his bulk, clinging to him as they continued to devour each other. Copper walked them down the hallway toward her bedroom, pausing halfway and pressing her against the wall. He ground his erection into her, leisurely, torturously. Every move was unhurried, deliberate. Not a frantic race to come, but a gradual simmering build of heat. Shell just knew he was going to drag this out all night long.

  And she planned to make the most of every single second.

  With a maddeningly slow roll of his hips, he thrust his cock against her pussy. The silky panties were soaked through. They needed to go. As did his jeans and whatever he had on beneath. Copper took his sweet time exploring her mouth with sensual sweeps of his tongue. Each time he rubbed his cock between her legs, he squeezed her ass, and she shivered. Part of her wanted to groan in frustration and demand he fuck her while another part of her relished the unhurried pace.

  “So fucking perfect,” he whispered, before diving into another core-shaking kiss.