I Need You (Learning to Let Go)

by Hazel St James

  “You need someone that can give you the world, Sara. I could easily take you right here in this truck, but what good would that do you? What good would it do…” his words trailed off as they reached the driveway to the farm.

  “You’re right, Darrin. What good would it do you? You’re a bastard, you know that?” Sara flung the door open on the truck before it had even come to a stop. Flying out of her seat, she skidded on the gravel before righting herself. She turned and slammed the door to the truck as hard as her body could muster. Traitorous tears fell as she ran towards the house. She made it all the way to the front porch before she heard the truck slowly easing back out of the driveway.

  Chapter Two

  A Month Later, early June

  Sara lay in her small two-room trailer, staring at the umpteen cracks in the ceiling. The constant hum of the nearby power station kept Sara on edge most days. Her trailer was less than livable, but it was all she could afford on her salary from the local drugstore. Going back to college was on hold until she could save up some money; her mother had only consented to support her financially the first time she went to college because daddy had set aside money specifically for that purpose. After he was gone, keeping the farm in the black was nearly impossible. Sara had overheard a conversation between her mother and the banker, indicating that most of their assets were not liquid, and that she needed to make some changes to keep a steady flow of money coming in.

  It shouldn’t have been a shock to Sara that her cold-hearted mother had decided that money was more important than her own daughter. It had been almost a month since she left the farm, her mother not giving her any options. The words still haunted her, “Sara, you need to start paying me rent, if you are going to stay here. I’m going down to Florida for a while and need the extra income. Otherwise, Mr. Thomas said he will rent the land, and has a nice trailer you can move into that wouldn’t be so expensive. Your choice.”

  Sara felt her entire life falling to pieces around her, crumbling layer by layer. It was a beautiful Saturday night, and the only date she had was with a container of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. She didn’t have any contact with her former friends anymore after she moved out, especially not Darrin. Giving up on him had been easy since he turned her down, but she was used to being rejected. Disposed of. Unwanted. There were no apartments available in Amulet, but Mr. Thomas had “graciously” offered to rent her this dilapidated tin can. Sara felt extremely isolated. Alone. Poetic justice had nothing on her life right now.

  Deciding to lose herself in music for a while, Sara hit the first play list on her iPod, leaving it on repeat. The third time through the power ballads, she didn’t think her mood could pitfall any lower. What It Takes by Aerosmith was about to start again, making her stomach free fall. Tell me what it takes to let you go…tell me how the pain’s supposed to go…

  Tears slid down her cheeks as the lyrics flitted through her mind. It had been over a month since Sara had made a fool of herself with Darrin. She had gotten over his rejection, giving up on making him see her as anything more than a lovesick teenager.

  If Sara was honest with herself, Darrin had very little to do with her pain right now. She closed her eyes, trying to bring the faded face of her secret love back into focus. It had been so long since she had seen him, his face was becoming harder and harder to remember. Chris had been starring in her dreams more and more these days. As her anguish over her paltry life grew, so did her dreams about that night. Most of the dreams had left her drained, wanting more. He’s gone, he didn’t want you, you were a good lay, and that was it.

  Not wanting to continue the torture, Sara grabbed the iPod, switching off the depressing playlist and hitting shuffle instead. The next song to play was something her sister must have put on there, she hadn’t heard it before. She lifted her head, looking for the name of the song. “Broken by Seether” The band’s name made her think that it would be full of death growls, and pounding metal, but it was a slow ballad, with a deep male voice harmonizing beautifully with a low female voice, both in perfect pitch. The chorus kept repeating a lament to her broken heart, ’cause I’m broken, when I’m lonesome, I don’t feel right, when you’re gone away.

  Sara laughed, amazed at how close to hitting the mark the words were. I haven’t felt right since you left me.

  The backs of her eyes were burning from the tears she was trying to hold back. She had cried enough for his loss. I have to get over that damn man.

  A sharp rapping on the front door jerked her out of her haze. Sara pulled her iPod out of the docking station, silencing the remnants of her pity party. Glancing in the mirror as she walked by, she grimaced at her reflection. No way to fix this mess, she thought as she tried combing her fingers through her hair, wiping the faint tear tracks from her cheeks.

  The rapping on the door was harder this time, causing Sara to curse. “I’m coming, damn it!” Flinging the door open, Sara’s mouth fell open. “Darrin, what are you doing here?”

  “Well, hey to you too, Sara.” Darrin pulled one hand out of his pocket, rubbing the back of his neck. His facial expression indicated that he was pained. Darrin ran his eyes over her disheveled body, grimacing when he looked at her red, swollen eyes. “I just wanted to see how you were doing. I hate to say it, but you look like shit.”

  Sara laughed as she stepped aside, Darrin strolling into her kitchen. “If you are looking for a hottie, Bryn lives in Amulet now with Corey.”

  Darrin grunted, slumping his shoulders. “Jesus, I fucked this up already. Look, I haven’t seen you since the day your sister was hurt, and I was worried. I wanted to call you more than once, but I wasn’t sure if you would talk to me.”

  “I’m not that much of a bitch, Darrin. You’ve been really good to my family, and I will always remember that. You wanted space, I gave it to you.”

  Darrin’s eyes rose to meet hers. Taking a deep breath, his expression softened. He took a hesitant step forward, pausing as he spoke, “What if I said I didn’t want any more space?”

  Sara heaved in a ragged breath, rubbing her thumbs across the pads of her other fingers in a nervous gesture. Not ready to answer him, she averted her eyes, concentrating on curling and uncurling her toes on the carpeting.

  “Sara, look at me. Please.” His voice pleaded with her, making her insides melt. He took another half step towards her, reaching out to grab her hands. Not able to resist the nearness of another warm body, Sara lifted her head, meeting his eyes, and stepped in to his frame. Darrin pulled her arms around his back, letting go, only to grab her upper arms. There was nowhere else for Sara to put her hands except to latch on to his back.

  “I can’t stop thinking about you, Sara. You’re in every one of my fucking dreams. You even invade my waking thoughts. I’m not worth shit since you left. Please, Sara! Let me try this again.” Soft lips brushed across hers, making her close her eyes, reveling in the heady feeling.

  Darrin let go of her arms, flattening his palms on her shoulder blades, gliding them over the top of her shirt, down to her rear. He leaned back down to nuzzle her neck, trailing wet kisses down to her collarbone. Sara could feel his hands patting the flannel material of her pajama bottoms as if he was searching for something.

  “Christ, Sara, are you not wearing any underwear?”

  “No, laundry day. I’m out.” The words fell out of her mouth, making her giggle. Darrin reached for her again, but Sara had regained her sanity. Letting go of his back, she quickly put her hands on his chest, pushing back to hold him off.

  “Darrin, I’m really not in a good place right now. I don’t want to confuse either one of us.”

  “I’m not confused. I know exactly what I want.” This time he grabbed her wrists more forcefully, tugging her forward until her stomach was flush with his groin. He tilted his hips forward to grind into her, showing her his arousal.

  “I want you, little one.”

  The words slapped her across her face, further squelching her libido, �
��Don’t call me that, Darrin.”

  He sighed as he rubbed the back of his neck with his hand, obviously a nervous habit. “You were the one that told me about that nickname, Sara. I thought you liked it.”

  “I do…I mean, I did. The guy that called me that was an asshole. Let’s just leave it at that. I think you should go, Darrin. I am not in the mood to be an easy lay for you. Or any lay at all for that matter.”

  Darrin lifted his hands in a surrender gesture, “I get it, Sara. I’m sorry.” Taking a step backwards, he leaned back against the kitchen counter. “I lost my head, obviously. I really, really fucking miss you. I didn’t realize how much time we spent together until you were gone.” Balling up his fists in anger, he continued, “Your mother must have given that bastard, Thomas, free reign to do whatever he wanted to the farm. He plans on leveling the entire grove of maple trees next to the creek and ripping down all the outbuildings. All that will be left is the farmhouse and garage. He is going to plow under everything else as farm land.”

  Sara felt behind her for the kitchen chair, feeling her legs giving out. They’re going to level the farm. Her shoulders slumped as tears fell down her cheeks onto her pants. There was no noise as she sobbed, the final nail in her coffin had just been added. Time slowed to a standstill, the only noise in the room was the ticking of her daddy’s grandfather clock. Feeling Darrin moving nearer, Sara put up her hands to cut off his approach. “Don’t.”

  “I didn’t even know where you were living until that dickhead told me today. Please, don’t shut me out again, Sara.” Warm hands rested on her shoulders, making her jump up, flipping her chair over in the process. The terror that crossed Darrin’s face made Sara feel some remorse for dismissing what was supposed to be a comforting gesture.

  “I really fucked this up, Sara. You don’t think I would hurt you, do you?”

  Sara slowly moved her head from side to side. Taking a deep breath, she gathered what little was left of her pride. “Look, Darrin. I appreciate the gesture, but you just told me that the place that holds the most wonderful childhood memories for me is going to be destroyed for a buck. I could use some space right now.” Walking over to stand next to him at the kitchen counter, she reached out her shaking hands, grasping his right hand, placing a kiss on his palm.

  “Let me have a week to get my feet underneath me again, get cleaned up. Why don’t you come pick me up next Friday, and you can take me out for dinner? I need some time to process all this, ok?”

  Darrin released the breath that he was holding, “You bet, baby. I need to pull my head out of my ass, anyway.” Letting go of her hands, he leaned down to place a soft kiss on her cheek.

  Walking backwards, Darrin almost tripped over her shoes by the door. He fumbled for the door knob, barely getting the door opened again. “Next Friday, Sara Rose Lonneman. I will pick you up at seven bells,” he said as he stood in the doorway.

  Giggling, Sara put her hands on his chest, giving him a shove out the door. “You are so smooth, jarhead. Friday, don’t be late. And for God’s sake, don’t wear your work boots!”

  He saluted her as he walked down to his truck, whistling like a fool.

  Chapter Three

  June 15th

  Friday night, 6:50 pm

  Sara looked at the only piece of clothing she had left to try on, praying that this shirt would finally be the right one. Having no idea where Darrin was taking her, she was looking for a casual shirt that could be considered dressy if necessary. Not that she would expect Darrin to take her somewhere classy or formal, but she wanted to be prepared. The black lacy cotton shirt was less than spectacular, and she tossed it onto the pile on her bed. Her wardrobe consisted of thrift store purchases and discount sale items. Why she ever asked Darrin to take her out on an actual date was a mystery to her now.

  As she went back through the pile of clothes on her bed for the third time, she jumped when someone pounded on the front door of her trailer. Shit, he’s early, Sara thought, as she grabbed the first shirt in the pile that wasn’t hopelessly wrinkled, and pulled it over her head.

  “Hold on, Darrin,” Sara yelled, as she ran to the bathroom to straighten out her mused hair. Looking at her pale reflection in the mirror, she blanched at the image. She needed to put some make-up on to add some color to her face before Darrin saw her.

  She peeked her head out the door of the bathroom, yelling towards the front, “Darrin, I’m not quite ready. You can wait in the living room if you want. I’ll be right out.” Ducking back in to the safety of the bathroom, she frantically started digging through her make-up bag on the vanity.

  A soft knock on the door startled her as she was applying concealer under her eyes, making her drop the soft brush onto her shirt, leaving a trail of messy liquid. “Shit,” she said as the soft tapping on the door continued.

  “You okay in there, Sara?”

  Trying to wipe the concealer off her shirt was only spreading it around, and it now looked like she had thrown up on herself. Sara gave a half-crazed giggle as she pulled off the shirt, tossing it into the sink, adding cold water to keep the stain from setting.

  “I’m fine, Darrin. I got make-up on my shirt, that’s all.” Sara wiped the remainder of the concealer from her face with a tissue and grabbed her robe from behind the door, quickly pulling it on and securing the belt.

  She opened the door to find Darrin leaning with his forehead pressed against the frame. There was no way Sara could withhold the soft sigh from deep inside as she drank in the mouth-watering man in front of her. Darrin’s hair was freshly cut with just a slight bit of length in the front. His normally clean shaven face was now graced with a closely cropped and sculpted, boxed beard. Light brown, almost amber eyes stared back at her, willing her to speak.

  “Hi,” she finally said.

  Darrin pushed back from the doorframe, rising to well over six feet tall. A slight curl to his lip was the only expression that Sara could see. Her eyes traveled from his face, to his well-defined torso, hidden beneath a tight-fitting white T-shirt with black calligraphy writing. Sticking his hands into the front pocket of his perfectly tight distressed jeans, he over-exaggerated his movements as he rocked back on his heels, drawing her attention to his feet. Sara let a smile creep across her face when she saw that he was not wearing his work boots; he had indeed purchased a new pair of black casual lace-up shoes.

  “Nice shoes, Darrin.”

  “Thanks, Sara. I was recently told that my wardrobe was lacking, so I braved the mall just for you.” The way Darrin said ‘mall’ made Sara giggle, but she quickly stopped when he grabbed her around the waist, pulling her out of the bathroom and smack into his hard frame.

  The smile on his face was playful as he spoke through gritted teeth, “You think that’s funny, baby?”

  Sara tried to remain motionless as he leaned down into her face, placing a feather light kiss on her nose. Closing her eyes, she sighed before pulling out of his arms and answering, “No, it’s not funny. It’s really sweet actually. I was just teasing you, though. You didn’t have to go and buy a new wardrobe to take me out for dinner, Darrin. I assumed you owned shoes that weren’t meant for work wear.”

  Darrin continued to stand in the hall as Sara walked back into her bedroom to find a different shirt. “Can you tell me where we are going tonight? I don’t have the foggiest idea what to wear.”

  Taking that as an invitation into her bedroom, Darrin walked in and started rummaging through the pile of shirts on her bed. Finding her red frilly tank top that she usually wore layered with something, he pulled in a sharp breath before tossing it over to her, “Oh yeah, this one works.”

  Sara tilted her head to the side as she feigned disgust at his choice, “This goes under a jacket, Darrin, and it’s almost ninety degrees outside.”

  Darrin just shrugged as he answered, “I think you would look hot in just that, but whatever, Sara. I’ll wait for you in the living room.”

  Sara almost thought that Dar
rin looked as if his cheeks were reddening, but she quickly squelched the thought. Once he had walked out of her bedroom, and closed the door behind him, Sara looked at the red tank top he had picked out. She sighed, looking at the pile of shirts on her bed, quickly deciding that she didn’t want to repeat the entire process of trying on everything again. Pulling the red frilly shirt over her head, she looked at herself in her full-length mirror. The only light in her bedroom was a lamp on the other side of the room, but she could see well enough to let her self-deprecating mentality starting picking apart her reflection: skinny arms, small chest, and pale skin.

  Just as she was about to yank the shirt back over her head, Darrin yelled from the other room, “Come out here, Sara! You could wear a fucking flour sack and would still look hot!”

  “Okay, okay, Darrin. Jeez,” she said to herself, smiling at the strange compliment. She tried to smooth her hair back down before opening the bedroom door. Once she was in the living room, Darrin quickly stood up from the couch, closing the gap between them in one long stride. Reaching out, he ran his hands down her bare arms, leaving goose bumps in his wake.

  “It would be a crime to cover up this shirt with a coat, Sara. You look incredible.”

  Sara could feel the blush creep across her cheeks as Darrin eyed her from head to toe. He stared a little bit too long at her chest before Sara cleared her throat, “Thanks, Darrin. I’m ready now, if you are.”

  Darrin positioned his lips into a tight grimace, and narrowed his eyes, “I can see what you meant about the tank top. It doesn’t leave much to the imagination.”

  Sara quickly looked down and realized with a start that you could see her black lacy bra through the gauzy parts of the tank-top, making her look trashy at best. Quickly turning around to run back to her room, Darrin grabbed her arm making her almost fall forward when she lost her footing. Sara was beyond embarrassed and fought against Darrin’s hold so that she could get back to the safety of her bedroom. “Let me go, Darrin, please,” she cried as she continued to struggle.