I Need You (Learning to Let Go)

by Hazel St James

  Sara sighed as she snuggled into her pillow, willing her thoughts to subside long enough to enjoy lying next to the man that had brought some color back into her world.

  Chapter Six

  July 4th

  Sara was carefully considering her entertainment options for the day, like she would decide between two equally mundane activities: Eney-Meeney-Miney-Mo. Without Darrin around, Sara had become even more introverted, stay in every night, all alone. The drugstore wasn’t open today, so she had a day off to spend down by the boardwalk, enjoying the food and craft vendors that the city sponsored every year. There was even a band playing and drinks being served near the fire station.

  Even if she was into socializing today, which she wasn’t, her sister Bryn had already invited her to watch the fireworks with her and her roommate Corey on the inlet on the other side of the lake. Not so much invited her, as she texted the shortened version of her plans for the evening, leaving the offer open, but not demanding an answer.

  Sara was somewhat puzzled as to why Bryn was spending the evening with her roommate, and not her apparently drool-worthy boyfriend, Dr. Charlie Glynn. Even though she had never met him, he was making Bryn happy, and that was damn hard to do anymore. Sara hadn’t spent any significant time with her sister lately, but they had started to text and chat, on occasion. It was a start.

  Sara knew that if she went with Bryn and Corey, they would more than likely ride over on their motorcycles, seeing as how Bryn called it the sole means of transportation during the summer. Sara inwardly groaned at the prospect of not only riding with her sister on a death machine, but being shoved in the middle of half the town of Amulet, laying in the itchy half-mowed grass, stirring up every mosquito and biting bug in the area.

  Most of the town would be there to watch the over-the-water fireworks show, and it had always been quite a spectacular sight. The money collected from aluminum can recycling was the sole contributor for the display; at least that’s what it says on the outside of the random containers in town. Everyone was extremely proud of the accomplishment, and it seemed as if every person within a fifty-mile radius came over to watch.

  There was no way in hell that Sara would be one of them. She never was one for crowds, or the outdoors, or using a holiday as an excuse to get plastered with your close friends, or even your not so close friends. Either way, Sara managed to talk herself into dissing all the festivities, opting instead to spend some time at Darrin’s office in the shop. She hadn’t gotten very far with her college degree, but she had taken some business classes and had started helping Darrin with some invoicing, payables, and just keeping his office cleaned up in general.

  Sara had never been as happy as she was the last few weeks with Darrin. It seemed as if they were more than comfortable with being together all the time, since after their disastrous first date, they were pretty much inseparable. Well, not so much mentally, as physically. Neither Darrin nor Sara were apt to share much about their lives that the other was not already privy to. For Darrin, that meant when he was overseas in the Marines. For Sara, that meant her time away at college. Other than that, they knew each other’s past as well as they did their own. Living in a rural small town makes it hard to keep your anonymity.

  The lack of communication between Sara and Darrin wasn’t something that she dwelled on most of the time. There were instances when it made this relationship easier for both of them. Neither one of them were really big on discussing their problems, or sharing the mundane activities of the day. Their intimacy was more physical; neither one of them had to use words to express what was in their minds. They had known each other for long enough, that it was easy to go from being distant friends to an intimate couple. It was working for both of them; at least for now.

  After changing into some comfortable khaki shorts and a cotton tank top, Sara made her way over to Darrin’s shop. It didn’t take long for her to bury herself in the stack of papers that lay on top of the desk in the office. Sticking her phone into the dock on the radio beside her desk, Sara turned on her favorite soft rock playlist, quietly singing along as she tapped away on the keyboard.

  Hours had passed before Sara decided to take a break. The afternoon had turned into early evening, and her rumbling stomach reminded her that she hadn’t eaten yet today. Her meager wages at the drugstore were enough to cover her rent and utilities, but left very little to spare. Meal times often consisted of Ramen noodles, or toast. Since she was with Darrin, she didn’t have to worry too much about food. He always insisted that Sara eat at his house, which had a freezer filled with fresh beef, pork and chicken. Not being able to cook, Darrin was more than pleased that he could leave the cooking to Sara. In return, he had fixed her piece of crap car so that it no longer squealed when it started, and you didn’t need to put water in the radiator every day. Of course, he wouldn’t accept her offer to pay him for the parts or labor, but he just smacked her on the ass when they were eating a homemade pecan pie that she had made and said it was a good trade.

  Sara stepped out the front door of the shop, letting it swing shut behind her. Walking across the yard, she worried her lip between her teeth as she thought about entering his house without him here. Sara knew that the key for the front door was hidden on the far side of the porch, hanging on a small nail between the last rungs on the side railing of the house. Her indecision about going inside was quickly overrun when her tummy grumbled again.

  Once Sara was inside, she started to pull a loaf of bread out of the freezer, and some peanut butter and jelly from the pantry. The refrigerator was bare, but she wasn’t fussy. Food was food and she appreciated the taste of anything. A nice, grilled chicken breast would taste pretty damn delicious right now, too, but she didn’t need to overstep her welcome inside Darrin’s home. Not since he had been more than giving already. Sara wasn’t sure if he knew of her money problems, but if he did, he never let on, for which she was grateful. Discussing being practically indigent wasn’t the most romantic conversation to have.

  Once she finished off her sandwich and a glass of ice water, she cleaned up the crumbs and went to use the restroom before going back out to the office. Sara passed by Darrin’s darkened bedroom, pausing long enough to let the familiar smell of his cologne filter through her senses. After a quick minute in the bathroom, Sara tried to walk back down the hallway, and out into the July heat. A sense of longing stabbed through her as she eyed the cool bedroom, with the soft sheets on his freshly made bed. Darrin was hot blooded, and didn’t like any light in his bedroom, and he had the thermostat turned down so that some nights, Sara had to keep her nose buried in the pillows to keep it warm. But there were other warm places that she frequently found to keep herself snuggled up against during the night.

  Smiling at the thought, Sara padded into the bedroom and crawled onto the bed, just to rest for a few minutes. Darrin wouldn’t mind her being here, she told herself. He was a man of few words and she shouldn’t be surprised that he hadn’t offered her carte blanche in his home while he was gone. Right now, she really needed a reminder of what was good in her life, even if it was a few hundred miles away, out of range of every electronic device known to man.

  Sara sank down on the bed, pulling the light throw blanket over her body. Her eyelids started to droop as she pretended that Darrin was holding her tight, kissing her hair softly as she drifted off to sleep.

  A loud banging on the front door made Sara practically fly out of the bed. Her heart was hammering wildly in her chest as she frantically made her way to the kitchen. The house was pitch black, so it must have been well after midnight. The pounding started again as Sara flipped on the porch light, yelling out, “Christ, hold on.”

  Peeking through the curtains covering the kitchen windows to the side of the door, she tried to see whoever was trying to beat through the door with their fists. Just then, the front door started to ease open, causing Sara to gasp in fear. She knew she locked the front door, and the spare key was still tucked safel
y into the pocket of her shorts. In her sleep-induced haze, Sara could only think the worst as the figure slowly stepped inside. She crept backwards to the space between the wall and the refrigerator, squeezing herself into the narrow opening and out of view.

  “Sara, are you in here?” a familiar male voice said before fully making it through the door. He hesitantly stepped the rest of the way into the house, holding his hands up in the air to no one in particular.

  The long hair was a dead give-a-way once he was all the way in the kitchen, making Sara release the breath that she didn’t know she was holding.

  “Jesus, Corey. You scared the hell out of me,” Sara said to his back. Corey turned towards the sound of her voice as she inched out from her hiding space.

  The anxiety on his face was evident when he reached out for her. Sara furrowed her eyebrows together as she took his trembling hand. “What’s wrong, Corey?”

  “You need to come with me, Sara.”

  She immediately thought the worst as tears started to burn the backs of her eyes, a lump forming in her throat. “Did someone get hurt? Is it Bryn? Darrin? My mother?” Sara started to pat down her shorts, frantically searching for her phone to see if someone had been trying to reach her. Immediate panic spread through her when she remembered that her phone was in the shop still; she hadn’t meant to fall asleep without it.

  Corey stilled her hands with his own, pulling her out the front door as he said, “I’ve been trying to call you for hours, Sara. It’s Bryn. She had a breakdown tonight, and I thought she was doing okay, but I can tell that something is really wrong, Sara. She’s fucked up.” Corey’s voice cracked as he continued, “I can’t force her to get help, but she needs it. She’s been asking for you, and I know that I can’t do this alone, Sara.”

  Sara let go of Corey’s hand before they made it all the way down the front sidewalk, fumbling in her pockets for the key to the house. Tossing the key to Corey, she said, “Go lock up, I’m going to grab my purse and phone from the shop.”

  It was a mere few seconds before Sara had grabbed her phone and purse from inside the shop, and had locked back up. Corey was pacing next to her car, every few seconds running his fingers through his dirty blonde hair. When he saw her walking over to him, he quickly turned to go to his truck. “My boss and his wife are at the apartment with her right now. She had fallen asleep before I left, but I don’t know how long she will stay that way. We gotta hurry,” Corey threw over his shoulder before slamming his truck door shut.

  Sara tossed her purse on the passenger seat of her car, making a quick turn-around in the grassy part of the front yard to save time. A quick glance at the clock on her dash revealed that it was three thirty in the morning. Insomnia was just one of the many symptoms of her sister’s anxiety disorder that she was familiar with.

  Sara was just starting her senior year of high school when Bryn had come home from her third year of college, after being raped. The girls weren’t that close, and so Sara was not privy to the details of the incident. She often wondered if Bryn had ever really come to terms with being assaulted. There were many nights that Sara would often crawl into bed with her sister, not able to stand to hear her sobs through their adjoining wall at night. Most of the time, Bryn would quiet enough to go back to sleep when Sara would lay next to her. Too naive to know any better, Sara usually discounted her sister’s emotional problems and their mother was oblivious to anything related to either Bryn or Sara. Thankfully, the passing of time had brought Bryn back from the brink.

  Pulling into the parking lot that Sara had watched Corey pull into, she saw his truck haphazardly parked next to a handful of beastly looking motorcycles, but no Darrin. Sara quickly raced over to the first set of stairs she could see, and saw a pile of dirty work boots. Assuming this was the right one, Sara headed up the metal fire-escape stairs, pausing after she reached the first landing to look up for evidence that she was going to the right apartment.

  There on a tiny front porch, was Corey next to the door, holding Bryn and swaying from side to side. Sara closed her eyes for a moment, gathering all the strength she could from deep inside, willing herself forward one step at a time. All she could hear was Corey whispering something inaudible into her hair. By the time she was standing next to the pair, Sara could see that Bryn was trembling. Slowly, Sara reached out to touch her sister’s hand that was tightly clutching Corey’s T-shirt.

  “Come on, Bryn. Let’s get you inside.” Pulling back from Corey’s embrace, Bryn just stepped over to hold on to her sister instead. She hadn’t said a word, but Sara could see the dark circles under her eyes, and the pain etched across her ashen face. Without hesitating, Sara wrapped her arms around her sister, walking them both over to the front door. Corey held the screen door open and the girls walked back inside.

  A gruff looking couple were sitting on the bar stools next to the kitchen island, whispering to each other as Sara calmly led her sister into the apartment. She nodded a hello to them without asking who they were; she assumed they were from the motorcycle shop that both Corey and Bryn worked at. The shop’s name was Double M Harleys, so it was kind of easy to remember their names: Mitch and Marley. Pleasantries weren’t important right now, so she basically ignored them and proceeded to take her sister back toward the bedrooms. Sara had never been here before, but she assumed that the first room with the pink leopard printed bedspread was Bryn’s and not Corey’s.

  “Do you want to take a shower and get the stink knocked off ya before we try to get some sleep, Bryn?”

  The only answer that she was given was a small shake of the head, before Bryn crawled into her bed. Sara kicked off her flip-flops before she flopped onto the other side. Bryn tucked her hands underneath her chin, pulling her knees up to her chest, as she stared lifelessly at nothing. Sara wrapped her arms around her sister, trying to infuse as much strength into her as she could. It didn’t matter what had happened to make her this upset, only getting her help was important.

  Sara could feel Bryn shaking in her arms, and looked over to see her eyes were pinned to a spot on the wall, completely glazed over. The only thing that Sara knew to do was to try and soothe Bryn, like one would a child, because that was basically where Bryn looked like she had gone to.

  Sara was smoothing her hand over Bryn’s tangled blonde hair as she started to sing a few old Janis Joplin songs, like she had when they were younger. After a few verses, Sara switched over to singing some of their dad’s favorite music by Anne Murray. Both of the girls knew all the words to every song, since every old fashioned cassette tape in their old farm truck was a heartfelt, sad song by the sultry country singer.

  After a good half an hour of singing mixed versions of the songs and several other older songs that she knew, Sara could feel Bryn’s body relax in sleep. Their arms were tangled together and Sara didn’t want to move at all, for fear that she would rouse her. Slowly, she eased her one arm free enough so that she could pull her cell phone out of her pocket and texted a one handed message to Corey.

  She’s sleeping, I need to call my work

  After a few minutes, Sara could hear Corey stirring in the living room and then her phone lit back up with a message.

  I got it. Stay with her

  Typing back a simple k, she put her phone back into her pocket and continued to lay there, knowing she wouldn’t be able to sleep. Sara’s own feelings of guilt over not being there for her sister, and how tormented Bryn looked right now, Sara quietly wept until dawn.

  Chapter Seven

  Sara thumbed through the pile of magazines in the waiting room at the Cedarview Counseling Center in Amulet, as she not so patiently waited for Bryn to finish her appointment. After a solid week and a half of daily therapy appointments, Bryn was slowly recovering. The doctors had told both Sara and Corey at a group meeting, that Bryn was suffering from severe anxiety and mild depression that was partially unresolved from her assault years ago, but was also compounded by environmental factors. He didn’t elabo
rate on the last bit, but Sara had a feeling that she was in there somewhere along with her mother.

  It was Friday afternoon, and she had nowhere in particular to be, since she was moved from full-time at the drugstore to part-time after missing the rest of the week of the fourth of July. Her boss, Mr. Ferguson, had told her as gently as possible that he wouldn’t be able to keep her full-time, since she had other things in her life that needed to be dealt with right now. Sara tried to explain that she couldn’t afford to only work part-time, but her words fell on deaf ears. “I’m sorry, Sara. I need to be able to rely on you all the time, and since you are unable to be dedicated to the store right now, I’ve brought on someone else to help for the summer. It will be best for everyone involved, my dear.”

  That conversation had happened on the Monday after the holiday week, but her boss did relent and let her stay and work that day, as long as she was agreeable to training her part-time replacement. After that, she was only to be working two to three days a week. Certainly not enough for her to be able to survive, even pinching as many pennies as possible. Not wanting to give up, Sara had been spending every free moment, canvassing the newspapers and area businesses looking for a job. Unfortunately, very few people were hiring, or the few that were, needed a college degree before she would even be considered for employment.

  The door to the office opened, and Bryn walked out, led by her psychologist, Dr. Jensen. He was a balding, middle aged man with a pot belly and a bad comb-over, but his looks were deceiving. Always in therapist mode, he would listen, and think over what was said before pointedly answering. His gentle disposition also gave a sense of a truly caring individual that was concerned for his patients. That was her impression after meeting with him just the one time. The great strides he was making with Bryn were also reason enough for Sara to be his cheerleader right now, too.