I Need You (Learning to Let Go)

by Hazel St James

  Darrin released a long gust of air, turning up the corner of his lip in a weak smile. “You deserve better than me.”

  Sara released a rush of tears that she had been holding back as Darrin held his arms out for her. She practically jumped over the mess on the floor as she flung herself into his arms, wrapping her arms around his chest. She sobbed into his chest. “I’m so sorry, Darrin.”

  Using his fingertips, he tipped her head up and tickled her lips with his. It wasn’t until he had stopped kissing her, and was gently rubbing her back that she realized that the sparks that she once felt against his lips had all but been extinguished. The fierce lust and pull that she had once felt for Chris was overwhelming her body right now, reminding her of how good it could be. The sex with Darrin was great, but it wasn’t the life-altering mega explosions that she felt when Chris took control of her body and her mind. When she submitted everything she had to him, and in turn, he gave it all back ten-fold.

  It was an extremely painful realization; one that she had hoped she would never have to endure. They had been simply co-existing for the last two months. The sex had been great, and there was a familiarity between the two of them, but there was no emotional closeness, nothing to build a long-term relationship on. Continuing on this path was going to cause them both more pain, and Darrin didn’t deserve that.

  He must have sensed the change in them both as well, as he tensed his shoulders, stiffening his hold on her. Sara’s shoulders started to shake as the sobs racked her body. Darrin soothed her, brushing his lips against her hair as he whispered, “You’re gonna be alright, Sara. Don’t cry.”

  “I didn’t mean for this to happen, Darrin. I’m so sorry.”

  “Don’t be sorry, Sara, just be glad that we had the last two months with each other. I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.”

  Sara fisted his shirt in one hand, slapping his chest with her other hand. “Damn it, Darrin. Why do you have to be so nice? You should hate me right now.”

  Darrin grabbed her hands in his, gently pulling her off his shirt. He put both of her hands in one hand, brushing a tender kiss across her knuckles, before releasing her. “I could never hate you, Sara. I’m sorry I couldn’t give you my heart. I can’t think of anyone better to entrust it to, but I don’t know how.”

  The tears fell unrestrained as she choked out, “You loved me in your own way, Darrin. Thank you for that.” Sara kissed her fingertips, then softly placed her fingers against Darrin’s lips. “It will only take me a few minutes to pack up my clothes and stuff. I can find a ride home.”

  Darrin just nodded his head as a lone tear fell from his cheek. “Sara, I want you to promise me something. Promise me you won’t let him take away who you are.”

  Sara could barely breathe as she tried to hold herself together enough to answer, “I promise, Darrin. I promise.”

  Darrin swiped away the moisture from under his eye, wiping it on his jeans. “Go on, Sara. Get out of here before I change my mind and hog-tie you to the chair in the office.”

  A pained laughed passed through her lips as she turned to leave. After she had the door open and was half way outside, she stole a quick glance back in Darrin’s direction. He had turned away, and was leaning against the wooden counter, with his shoulders slumped forward. Sara heard him mutter to himself as the door closed, “I’m better as a memory, kid.”

  Chapter Sixteen

  With her purse slung over one arm, and two tote bags in her hands, Sara stood on Darrin’s front porch, waiting for her ride to pick her up. Her list of friends in town had dwindled down to next to nothing and her sister was two states away, in Sturgis. It was only a few miles to her trailer, but Sara was sure that Darrin would intervene if she tried to hoof it, especially this late at night. Plus, her car was in town at Bryn’s apartment. The few old girlfriends from town that she tried to call were either not answering or out of town. One phone number had even been disconnected.

  The last name she found in her contact list that seemed plausible was Craig Leighton, the beefy bartender from the bar. He answered on the third ring, with a barely audible “Yup” that was muffled by some obnoxious music in the background. After stuttering that she needed a ride, but didn’t go into any further specifics than where she was, Craig just answered, “Sit tight. I’ll be right there.”

  Lights flashed as a car pulled into the driveway. As soon as the car had turned around in the make-shift circle driveway, Sara could see out of the corner of her eye that Darrin had stepped out from the front door of the shop. He didn’t make any attempt to come closer to her, but instead held up his hand in a tight wave, as the corners of his lips turned up in a pained smile. Sara returned the gesture as she quickly climbed into the car. Fresh tears started again when she saw Darrin’s shoulders fall as he trudged towards the house.

  Craig reached over the center console to grab Sara’s hands that she was tightly fisting in her lap. “Are you okay, Sara?”

  Sniffling as she answered, “Not really. Thank you for coming to get me.”

  Craig patted her hand before he moved it back to grip the steering wheel. “No problem. It wasn’t that busy tonight anyway. You wanna talk about it? Bartenders are good listeners.”

  Sara half-snorted as she leaned back against the head rest, closing her eyes to block out the piercing light from the oncoming cars. Her eyes felt like they had been scrubbed with sandpaper, they were so dried out. “I just want to go home,” she whimpered.

  “Ok, Sara. But will you call someone to stay with you tonight?”

  “Sure, Craig,” she lied.

  After giving him directions to Bryn’s apartment, so that she could pick up her car, Craig reluctantly dropped her off. “I know you don’t want to talk about it, Sara, but I gotta say it. Whatever happened between the two of you, remember that you’re young. This too shall pass.”

  Sara worried her bottom lip between her teeth, before she silently nodded. Grabbing her bags from between her feet, she hopped out of the car. “Thanks for coming to get me, Craig.”

  “Anytime, Sara.”

  Sara’s legs felt like they were weighed down with lead as she walked up the stairs to Bryn’s apartment. It seemed like months ago since she has happily skipped down these stairs, feeling like her entire world was in sync. Now, she was trudging up the stairs one at a time, barely able to form a single coherent thought as pain rippled through her system.

  Darrin looked so defeated…so pained when she left.

  The enormity of her decision to walk away came crashing down on her. Not only did she stomp on Darrin’s guarded emotions, but she was sure that she had just made him refortify his walls, leaving no hope for anyone else. Plus she would soon be homeless, since she no longer had a job; there was no way she could function in Darrin’s presence anymore, let alone work side by side with him at the shop. He had done all right by himself before Sara had come along, and she was sure that he would be able to manage again.

  Once Sara had gathered up her clothes from the laundry room, she took a quick look around the apartment before she left. Satisfied that she had not left anything behind, she made her way outside and back down to her car. Her body was practically numb as she drove back to her trailer. It was well after midnight by the time she had washed the tear tracks off her face and changed into a sleep shirt. Darrin had spent very little time here at her trailer and there were no mementos or pieces of clothing lying about to remind her of their time together.

  She didn’t bother to pull the comforter and sheets back as she flopped down onto the bed like a wet noodle. Her mind was devoid of thoughts, her body exhausted, and she felt like she hadn’t slept in days. It didn’t take long until sleep claimed her.

  Sara woke with a pounding head after barely six hours of restless sleep. A long, hard crying jag had made it near impossible for her emotionally and physically tortured mind to rest. That, added to the fact that she had forgotten to eat anything yesterday, and only had half a glass of water to d
rink, made her feel like road kill.

  After a long hot shower, a piece of toast, two aspirin and a glass of orange juice, Sara started to slowly regain her senses. At least her head wasn’t throbbing like a bass drum anymore. After curling up on her couch, she grabbed her cell phone off the top of the tote bag full of clothes, the one that she’d thrown on the floor after stumbling through the front door last night. Sara knew that there were messages on her phone, since the wolf whistle chime signaling she had a text had been intermittently chirping for the last few hours.

  Two text messages from Bryn, both asking for her to call her as soon as possible. The other one was from Craig, and had been sent early this morning. The message was a very simple: “U OK”

  Bryn answered on the first ring, “Sara?”

  “Hi, Bryn. How’s Sturgis?” she asked enthusiastically.

  “Cut the shit, Sara. Corey talked to Darrin early this morning, and he said that you both decided to end things. What’s this about you having a fucked-up boyfriend in college?”

  Sara inwardly groaned at her sister’s language; when she was this colorful, she was really worked up.

  “He wasn’t really my boyfriend, Bryn. It was…um…more like a one night stand. And besides, there were some major flaws to the relationship Darrin and I had to begin with.”

  There was a long pause before Bryn sighed into the phone, “I’m not judging you, Sara. You don’t have to explain. If Darrin wasn’t right for you, then it’s better that you ended it when you did. But, Darrin made it sound like this guy is pretty tough lookin’ and strung out on something. I hope you didn’t go from one doomed relationship to another.”

  Sara swallowed her anger at the accusation that Chris was a druggie. Knowing that her sister was just being protective, she calmly answered, “Chris does not use drugs, Bryn. Plus, he was obviously hurt badly before Darrin punched him. I’m not sure how, but I intend to find out.”

  “Is he still in town?”

  “I’m sure he is. At least that is what he told me.”

  “Are you sure this is what you want, Sara?”

  Sara hadn’t had time to think much beyond how badly she had hurt Darrin. Being asked what she wanted at this point was like throwing dust in the wind.

  “I’m not exactly sure what I want right now.” Tears pricked her eyes as she continued, “I am sure that it was wrong for me to keep stringing Darrin on like that. He deserves better,” she choked out before she was sobbing again.

  “Oh, Sara. Don’t cry. Let me pack up and I’ll head for home. I can be there by supper time if I leave right now.” Sara could hear a muffled voice in the background, but it was drowned out by the rustling of fabric.

  “No! Bryn! It’s ok,” Sara said as she sniffled. After a few seconds, she continued, “I’ll be fine. I need to work on getting a job, and then I need to find Chris.”

  Sara could tell that Bryn was walking, based on her uneven breathing into the phone. At least she hoped that was what she was doing.

  “Oh God, Bryn, please don’t tell me you are in bed with someone?”

  “What? No! Well, not anymore. I’m staying with Charlie. But I kinda ticked him off just now. I came into the bathroom to avoid that damn dominant glare that he does. It’s scary.”

  “That’s probably why he does it, Bryn,” she teased her sister. Bryn had told her a little bit about the way that Charlie would turn on his inner dominant when she was out of control, and would use various forms of funishment, she called it, to reel her back in. Bryn was devastated when she lost Charlie, so Sara was extremely excited for her sister that they had gotten back together.

  Not once during any of their conversations about Charlie being a dominant, did Sara elaborate on any of her dealings with Dominants and being a submissive. She wasn’t ready to go there yet, and wasn’t sure when she would be.

  “Yeah, well…he was starting to give me the willies. He’s probably going to make me call him Master for the rest of the day, now, until I remember that he does this stuff to show me how much he cares about me. His words, not mine. He doesn’t want me to ride home by myself. I know that he’s right; I’m too new at this to ride alone, but I have a hard time not getting torqued off when he commands me to do things. Even when I know….Arghhhh!”

  Giggling followed Bryn’s scared scream, then a male voice came on the phone. “Hi Sara, this is Charlie, the one that torques off your sister.” A muffled squeak came from the background, before Charlie continued with a laugh, “I can fly your sister home right now if you would like, otherwise we will be home on Wednesday.”

  “Wednesday is fine, Charlie. Tell Bryn that I will talk to her on Wednesday.”

  Charlie made a melodramatic sigh before he answered, “She’ll call you tomorrow morning, I’m sure. She can be a bit overzealous….Ouch!” An unmistakable growl came across the line, before Charlie abruptly said, “Take care, Sara. Bye.”

  Sara gave herself a face plant with her hand as she went over the conversation she just had with Bryn’s new boyfriend. It was sweet that he offered to fly Bryn home immediately if she needed her, but it was also a little weird to be party to the end of the conversation.

  Her mood was a lot lighter now, and her headache was much improved. Sara decided that she needed to make some phone calls this morning to see if she could finagle some more job interviews. Darrin didn’t really need someone to take care of his office full-time; it was merely convenient for both of them. It was going to be a very long time before Sara could even be in the same vicinity as Darrin without falling to pieces, let alone balance his checkbook and pay bills.

  After at least four hours of phone calls and emails, Sara was confident that she had a few job possibilities. She had lined up two job interviews for later on in the week, as well as a meeting with the HR director at the hospital to see if there were any jobs that she qualified for with them. The bar was on her list of places to check for possible employment, as well.

  Her stomach rumbled, reminding her that she hadn’t eaten hardly anything today. Lunch had long since passed, and it was late in the afternoon now. She would go into town to talk with Craig about a job. Plus, she hoped that while she was in town, she could do some PI work of her own and see where Chris had gone; they needed to sit down and get a few things straightened out.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Sara was waiting at the stoplight before turning onto Main Street in town. Once the light turned green, she cut across the intersection to the left, heading to the north side of town. The old-fashioned street was beautiful this time of year. Each block had at least two sets of flowering pots, overflowing with multi-colored wave petunias. Every business had taken time to clean and primp the front of their buildings for sidewalk shoppers, making the area more attractive than the urban shopping mall across town.

  As she was passing the Riverfront District, her phone started to ring in her purse.

  “Hello?” she answered, not bothering to look at the caller ID, assuming that it was someone returning her barrage of phone calls about employment.

  “Hey, Sara,” a baritone voice barely whispered.

  “Darrin,” she said as she almost dropped the phone. Once she had replaced the phone to her ear, she continued, “How are you?”

  “I’ll be okay. How are you?”

  Sara waited to answer until she had pulled in to a parking space in the small lot next to the bar. It was almost five o’clock, and there were quite a few cars already parked in it for a Monday night.

  After she had shut her car off, she answered, “I’ve been better.” Her voice cracked, and she quickly said, “I didn’t mean to hurt you, Darrin.” Tears started to flow like a faucet had been turned on, splashing mascara onto her white cotton V-neck T-shirt.

  “I know you didn’t, Sara. I didn’t call to make you cry, doll…”

  Sara’s lip quivered when Darrin stopped himself from calling her “doll baby.” It nearly broke her heart all over again.

  “Please don�
��t cry, Sara. I just wanted to let you know that you are more than welcome to work in the office for me until you find a job.”

  Sara knew that her constant weeping was not going to help Darrin right now; it was only making things worse for him. She needed to know that he was going to be okay, or more like he would be okay without her.

  Wiping away her tears, she answered, “That’s really nice, Darrin, but I have a few job possibilities lined up. Do you really need some office help? I could help you post a help wanted ad online if you really need someone…”

  “No, no, Sara. I’ll be fine. Everything is nice and organized in here now. I should be able to keep up on it. I just wanted you to know that the offer is there, if you need it.”

  “Thank you, really. But I think it would be best if I kept my distance right now. For both of our sakes.”

  Darrin sighed. “Yeah, you’re probably right. If you ever need me, Sara, don’t hesitate to call. Just because I’m not your boyfriend anymore, doesn’t mean that I won’t protect you if needed” His last words dripped with hidden meaning.

  Anger bubbled up inside her at the accusation that she would need to protection from Chris. Her overwhelming grief was waning with every passing moment of silence. Sure, Chris looked a little rough right now, but that didn’t mean that he was a serial killer. Plus, she was more than capable of taking care of herself; she wasn’t completely helpless.

  “Sara, are you still there?”

  “Yes. I’m here. Please don’t worry about me, Darrin. I’ll be fine. Bye, Darrin.”

  After disconnecting the call, Sara clutched her hand to her chest, as her heart pounded against her ribs. She had been so upset over how she had hurt Darrin, and had all but forgotten one of the main reasons that she walked away…Chris. It was like it smacked her right in between the eyes; Sara had some difficult hurdles ahead of her over the next few days. But she was a little bit giddy at the prospect of spending time with Chris again and getting some answers to the many questions that plagued her about where and why he had left her.