Break Away: A Midwest Small Town Romance

by Vanessa Sheets

  I remember the sinking feeling in my gut as they lowered my other half into the ground. How was I going to walk this earth without her? We grew to the same beat of our mother’s heart and took our first breaths... together. My childhood memories are not only mine; they are hers. We were never Noah and Cami; we were the twins. We worked through the pain of our mother’s death together. A death that wrecked us both, but we dealt with it in different ways. I ran from the darkness and she stayed, letting it swallow her up whole and leaving her nothing more than a cold body in the ground.

  I knew that the guilt that engulfed me in flames would never go out. It would only burn hotter every day that I lived without her. Had I listened to her pleas for me to come home, I wouldn’t be watching some stranger shovel dirt over her casket. But I was selfish and didn’t want to go back to that trailer where my mother died. So, I lived my life. And in exchange, she lost hers.

  How, how did I not know, that as we watched our mother dying in her bed, that Cami had been taking her pain meds to self-medicate? She was fourteen years old, for God’s sake. And why did I not see that Crew took advantage of her in ways that I don’t care to think about? She said she loved him. That he was the piece that made her broken self-whole. I let her feed me that bullshit, because it was easier than driving home and grabbing my sister up and out of that world. The world that my stepdad controlled. Son of a bitch didn’t even come to her funeral.

  He never laid a hand on Cami because I would have killed him. He saved all his rage for me, and after I left, Crew was his punching bag on drunken nights. When she would call me in the middle of the night, crying out for me to come home, I told her I couldn’t. I wasn’t going back to the craziness and my sister refused to leave it because of Crew.

  And then, she was gone.

  I feel my chest tighten up and I ignore the tears that fall to my pillow, letting the dark place open up more.

  I don’t know why I felt the need to go back to that trailer. Some sort of closure? Answers to why she overdosed on the vice that she hid so well? But as soon as I left her funeral, I found myself in Cami’s room, surrounded by her things. Snapshots of her life covered the walls. Our mother, us, happier times from before Crew and his father came into our lives. The pictures quickly turn to darker days of bloodshot eyes full of sadness and fear.

  I sat down on her bed and let out a sigh, the events of the last week weighing on me. My hand fell on a stuffed animal that I gave to her for her eighth birthday. A gray elephant with huge blue eyes. It had a hidden compartment in its back for her to hide all her deepest secrets in. I told her that only she could open it, so anything that she put inside would be safe. Even from me. The few years that she believed that were fun. She honestly thought that the only way that I knew who she was crushing on was due to our twin powers.

  I chuckle to myself as I turn the silly stuffed animal over and reach inside. My lightheartedness disintegrates when I pull out a pill bottle clouded with powder, a spoon, and a zippered bag full of more drug paraphernalia. What really does it for me, what really tears my heart in two and brings the tears that I haven’t been able to shed yet, start to blur my vision, is the picture that I am now holding in my hand. It's us. It was taken at our fourth birthday and we are blowing the candles out on our cake. Half Power Rangers, half Dragon Tales. Oh, how she loved Dragon Tales.

  Sobs break through the silence of her room and I cry long and hard. I cry for Cami and I cry for my mother. It dawns on me that I never truly cried when our mother died because I had to be strong for my sister. Now, I have no one and nobody but myself to blame.

  I throw the elephant at the wall and something falls out. I get up and pick it up off the ground. It is a folded piece of paper, with my name on it.

  Dear Noah,

  I don’t even know where to start. Being that this is the first last letter that I will ever write, I am sorta lost about how to do it. And you know how well I did in school, being that I dropped out, so... I hope that I do an okay job of telling you goodbye and why I had to go.

  See, after mom died, nothing was the same. I felt like my guts had been ripped out and I walked around feeling hollow and numb. Crew gave me a few pills that helped me forget the crippling feeling of loss that I carried with me. At first, I could control it, but before I knew it, I felt like I couldn’t breathe until I was holding one of those tiny little pills in my hand. One quickly turned into two, three, four… Then, you left.

  And please don’t think that I blame you for leaving, because I don’t! Not one bit. But when you did, daddy dearest started hitting Crew, like he used to hit you. Because of that, Crew wasn’t home as much, and things started happening again. See, I never told you, but I knew why Bud was hitting you when you lived with us. It was because I told him no. He used you, my weakness, to get me to go along with the things that went on inside my bedroom at night. I didn’t want him to hurt you, so I would let him in. If I fought him, well, I am sure you get the picture. When you were no longer a pawn in his chess game, Bud used Crew as his new bait. I went along with it because I didn’t want anyone to be hurt. The guilt that I felt the next morning when I would see your eye or Crew’s eye swollen due to me denying that monster the night before… God, it was just something I couldn't live with.

  Then, one night, Crew walked in on us. The next day his dad took him aside and told him if he shut his mouth about what he had seen he would let him in on the fun. I pleaded with Crew but his brain was well past being twisted and fucked by his dad. One pill for this, two pills for that and before I knew it, I was turning to him for comfort like I turned to my pills.

  Now, I can't even look at myself in the mirror. For three years I have been living in this nightmare and I just can’t do it anymore.

  I know that I should just leave, but when things like this happen, they change you. I am not the same person anymore and I know that the only way to get back to her is to face my demons and start peeling back one layer at a time. I just can’t do that. I have done far more than I have told you and I can’t bear you looking at me differently. I love you, brother, more than the moon and the stars. Please promise me that you will live your life without a single regret and always remember me unbroken.

  Love,

  Your older sister, by three minutes :)

  Camille

  She killed herself?

  I suddenly feel the whole world stop on its axis, jarring me into a reality I want no part of. I feel a sudden urge to throw up and heave myself over to a waste can that sits next to her bed. The very bed where those animals stole my sister's will to live.

  The next few minutes are somewhat of a blur. Distorted and shaded with red.

  Blood.

  Everywhere.

  Bud came home and walked in on me throwing up. I do remember one thing. It is singed into every fiber of my being. The look in his eyes when it registered with him that I knew what he did to my sister.

  “YOU FUCKING PIECE OF GODDAMN SHIT!” Punch

  “YOU KILLED HER!” Punch

  “I AM GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!” Punch

  The next thing I remember, Crew is pulling me off his father’s lifeless body and I am covered in red. It is sticky and warm. Unlike my sister's body that is now resting in the ground next to my mother’s.

  He isn’t moving. He isn’t breathing. He’s dead.

  Crew has me slammed up against the wall and is screaming in my face. He wants to know why and what and how. I don’t try to fight due to the crippling shock that I am in and now I want to kill him, too. He lured my sister down a path that led her to nowhere and then when she needed him the most, he turned his back on her. He used her and made her nothing more than their toy. I push him off me and with a closed and angry fist, I slam it into his face. I step back and watch him stumble backwards into the wall. With cold eyes he stares back at me as he reaches up to touch the bloody print that I left behind. His father’s blood.

  What the fuck have I done. What the fuck am I goin
g to do?

  Crew gives his father’s mangled body that lies at his feet a fleeting glance. I am not surprised that he shows no sort of emotion because he is the result of his father’s neglect and abuse over the years. I am quite sure that any humanity that he was born with was stripped away by Bud eons ago.

  He told me that he wouldn’t tell a soul. I knew that the words coming out of his mouth had to be connected to something that would benefit him. He was never the type to do something without getting something out of it. And I was right.

  As we each walked around the trailer, dumping gasoline all over the floor, the walls, the furniture... Bud, he told me what he wanted.

  He was going to leave with me. This was the last thing that I wanted to do but I didn’t have much of a choice. I had just killed a man with my fucking bare hands. So, I agreed.

  I stood in that trailer, where my mother and sister took their last breaths and without a single hesitation, lit the match that burned it down.

  With my sister's letter tucked in the back pocket of my jeans, I drove away. It was the only thing I had left of her, besides her memory that will be with me as long as my lungs are filled with air.

  Watching her sing her heart out, in our Christmas plays at school. Cheering her on as she finally was able to take off on a two-wheeler. Birthdays. Christmases. Easters. Summers where we were never bored, because we always had each other. Each other…

  I rip my thoughts out of that dark place. I don’t like going there because it never gets any easier. Grief and loss never go away completely; you just learn how to swim against the current so that you don’t drown.

  I get out of bed, pour myself a scotch on the rocks and find myself standing on the balcony staring up at the night sky. I know in my heart of hearts that I did the right thing. I had no choice but to leave Sofia behind. I never meant to hurt her, not in a million years. I was only clinging to a sliver of hope, that I could do right by my sister and live my life without regrets. Unfortunately, regrets are all I have.

  I am standing in Ezra's kitchen. Alone. A congratulations banner hangs above her sliding door. Under it is a white three-tiered cake with blue piping and a black graduation hat sitting proudly on top. This is not my party; it is hers. The people that fill her backyard are not my people; I don’t even know them.

  Don’t get me wrong. I appreciate that Jessica, her mother, made sure that I was included in the planning, all the way down to the tiny hot dogs that are floating in the crock pot on the counter, drowning in grape jelly. But everything about the last few months has made me feel empty and lost. Like I was tossed right back into the body of water that Noah saved me from.

  Noah.

  I see him in customers' faces at the grocery store that I work at. The sound of a hemi coming down the road sends my heart into a maddening rhythm of excitement and anticipation. His touch, that I quite literally feel on my skin, wakes me from a dead sleep at night. Jessica says that this will all fade with time, but I don’t believe her. She means well, but she has no idea what I experienced with that man.

  He is gone now, and I am left here, struggling to pick up the shards of glass that he scattered all over my life and doing everything I can not to cut myself along the way.

  I walk over to the kitchen table that is decorated in white and blue, our school colors, and pick up Ezra’s stuffed bulldog mascot. Looking at all her pictures taped to the poster boards brings a smile to my face. Her childhood was straight out of Parents magazine. Halloweens full of homemade costumes. Seventeen years of themed birthday parties. Vacations to waterparks and Disney World. Her family was the single thread of hope that I clung to growing up. Lorenzo and I could have this. I would just have to make it happen.

  From the moment that I walked through Ezra’s front door that night, her parents welcomed me with open arms. Jessica was livid when she noticed the bruising and scrapes all over my body, something my own mother hadn’t even noticed. If I am completely honest, I was a bit uncomfortable with all of her fussing,

  but I knew that was only because the last time that I felt fussed over was when my Nonna would kiss the band aid on my knee.

  Jessica and Ezra insisted that I tell the police about what Cam did to me. I fought them all the way to the police station, but decided that it was something that I needed to do because I didn’t want it to happen to someone else. He was arrested in Chicago a few days later, but from the sounds of it, he will get nothing more than a smack on the wrist and probation. Money talks. Most would feel devastation and defeat over this news, but I don’t. I was finally able to speak up, and I vowed that I would never allow it to happen to me again.

  I haven’t spoken to my mother since the night she threw me out. Not because I haven’t tried, because my call log with the umpteen declined calls would say otherwise. The only peace that I have is that Mrs. Carlson is looking over Lorenzo and fills me in on how he is doing. She says that he misses me something fierce, but he is doing okay. I know that she is only telling me this so that I can remain strong and stay on the path that will lead me back to him. So, I keep waking up, going to work, and staying out of trouble.

  I watch as the people in the backyard talk and laugh amongst themselves and wonder how it would feel if these people were my people. Ezra catches my eye through the slider, smiles, and waves. I give her a smile back, but can’t help the sadness that creeps in, stealing our moment. She will be leaving in less than two weeks for NIU and although I can’t be any more excited for her, I can’t help myself from feeling a twinge of jealousy. I turn my attention back to a picture of us in our caps and gowns. We are hugging each other and all smiles. Her smile is real and bright. Mine is not.

  The day I graduated should have been one of the happiest days of my life. I was finally going to hold my diploma in my hand. The very ticket that would take me anywhere that I wanted to go in life. But I knew that it would be nothing more than a framed piece of art hanging on my wall. Hell, I don’t even have a wall to hang it on.

  I remember my eyes scanning the crowd of people that filled my gymnasium. I don’t know what I expected to find. I knew Mrs. Carlson would be there, without a doubt in my mind. And I knew that my mother wasn’t going to show her face, so why was I disappointed that she wasn’t there? The feelings that enveloped me were confusing. Why did I even want her there? Jessica said that it was because she is my mother and no matter what, I can’t change that. Ezra’s mom

  really has been my rock throughout all of this. I don’t know if I would have been able to tread water without her.

  As soon as I heard her familiar voice, I dropped the stuffed bulldog that I had been holding and spun around. It was Mrs. Carlson. I ran to her and wrapped my arms around her, embracing her in a hug.

  “Thank you for coming. I wondered if you would make it. Is Enzo with you?” I pulled away and looked around for him.

  “No honey, she wouldn’t let him come. But you know I wouldn’t have missed this! Your day! You have worked so hard for this. I hope you know that your Nonna is smiling down on you.”

  “I know. I wish she were still here.” I try to compose myself the best I can and take a deep breath. Mrs. Carlson reminds me of home and as crazy as it sounds, I want nothing more than that. Home. “I messed everything up and I don’t know what to do. I was selfish and now, she won’t even let me near Lorenzo.” Tears start to stream down my face, and she grabs me by shoulders, looking deep into my eyes.

  “Listen to me and you listen real closely. You were doing nothing more than surviving. And you did an amazing job at that, Sofia. But you can only survive for so long before the weight of it all falls so heavy on your shoulders that you look, even when you aren’t looking, for someone to help you carry that weight. He was that person. He is that person.” She hands me a package wrapped in white paper with an iridescent blue ribbon around it. A beautiful purple hyacinth is tucked under the ribbon. “The UPS driver dropped a box off on my porch yesterday. It was addressed to me and when I opened
it, I found this and a note telling me to give it to you.”

  I turn it around in my hands and stare back at her, confusion settling in my eyes.

  “I am going to leave you to this, Sofia. I have to get going, but please let me know a time that’s good for you this week, so that I can take you out for dinner and celebrate.” She gives me one of her famous bear hugs and before I know it, she’s out the door.

  Looking down at the beautifully wrapped present, I run my fingers over the silky blue ribbon. Not knowing what to think about it, I decide to be alone when I open it. I’m not used to getting presents and opening them up in front of people makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable. I head to the spare bedroom that Ezra’s family has so kindly handed over to me and sit down on the bed, plucking the card off that is attached to the flower.

  Purple Hyacinth

  A deep feeling of sadness and asking for forgiveness.

  I pull the flower off, set it beside me and slowly start tearing the paper from the box. I remove the lid and the two envelopes that are in it. One says, Open First.

  Dear Brown Eyes,

  Please know that in loving you, I became something that I thought I was incapable of being. Happy. I was broken before our paths crossed. Wandering around in this world, hollow and scarred. I began to heal as I watched you pour every ounce of your will to live into caring for Lorenzo. You were the breath of fresh air that I needed. Sofia, keep breathing life into the people that are fortunate enough to be in yours.

  What I love the most about you, is your perseverance. You could have given in to the demons that circle your world, but you didn’t. You fought against them. That right there, is why I know with all of my heart, you are going to move mountains someday.