Saving Grace

by Christine Zolendz

  Shane, the jackhat, still sat there, eyes all wide staring at me and brilliantly blue. So damn beautifully blue.

  Lea sat next to me with her freaking head in her lap laughing her ass off. She tried to hide it, but I knew by the way her entire body shook that she was hysterical.

  Ethan gave me an encouraging smile, "Well, I think it's pretty damn amazing."

  Alex grabbed onto one of Ethan's shoulders, "Amazing? Dude, that's the hottest thing ever. Oh my God, do you remember when she wore those little pink teddy bear pajamas?" He licked his lips looking at me, "Grace, my love, we need to create the most epic experience for you..." We? O h, my God, I don't even want to know what he's thinking right now.

  I stood up. I wobbled a bit, so what. I rested my hands down on the table so I wouldn't fall over. "Well, thank you everyone. Why the fuck don't ya'll (all of a sudden I was southern) just...just continue the discussion of my virginity (I had a bit of a problem pronouncing it correctly), because in no way would that be, let's say, uncomfortable or embarrassing in any way to me. E...specially in front of Hot Pink Lips there," I said pointing to Marie.

  I pushed my chair in and moved backwards. "You guys can all take a vote on who I should hand my V-card to, there's no problem with that, right Shane?" I shoved the table at him a bit, it didn't move much, but I was too drunk to care. "Since I'm not in the fucking band anymore, right? I can fuck any one of these guys. Right? That's not a problem for you, right?"

  He looked up at me with glassy eyes. He just stared at me with blank eyes and down turned lips. The expression was heart wrenching.

  "Fuckasstard!" I called him.

  Marie giggled drunkenly. "What's a fuckasstard, Virgin?"

  I leveled my eyes to hers. Holy Mind Erasers, I was so much drunker than five minutes ago when I was sitting down! Did I say fuckasstard? What is a fuckasstard? "It's a fucking asshole retard or a fucking ass in a leotard. Shane's both and your lipstick is fucking awesome!" I shoved the table at him one more time for good measure. It didn't move, but I still didn't care.

  I walked (stumbled) to the bar and sat myself on a stool (slipping off only twice). "Ry...an," I sang. Seriously, I sang his name. Sang it.

  Behind me, I could hear Lea giving Marie a complete verbal smack down. I smiled knowing Marie would never recover from what Lea would embarrass her with.

  "Ry...an," I sang again. Damn I could sing that boy's name.

  Laughing, Ryan came over. "Yes, gorgeous, what would you like?" I leaned over the bar (tipping the stool backwards, yet not falling. Now that's talent). Wow, Ryan has nice lips. "Ry. Ry, I need a Shane Eraser. Right. Now. Kay?"

  Ryan leaned his elbow on the bar in front of mine and lowered his face so his lips were all I could see. "Grace, do you mean a Mind Eraser?"

  I smiled at him. "Yeah, I'm going to need one of those too. Damn Ry. You have really kissable lips. I want to just suck on that lip ring." I slapped my hand over my mouth. "Wow, did I say that out loud? Psf."

  Ryan smiled thanks , backed away and started making my drink. Then my ass started ringing and vibrating. It took me a minute to figure out what the hell was going on. Cell phone, back pocket. Oh right. I took it out and swiped the screen. It took me a minute.

  Text Message 9:13 pm Shane: I am so fucking sorry

  "Ha! Sure!" I yelled.

  Ryan placed the drink in front of me and I drank it so fast I didn't even taste it. I slid the empty glass towards him and tried to smile, but I couldn't feel my face. And honestly, I didn't even freaking know if it was attached to the rest of my body; I was so numb.

  Lea was beside me the next minute and wrapped her arms around me. "For what it's worth, Grace. Even if he isn't your angel anymore, that man has serious feelings for you. Put yourself out of your misery and talk to him."

  I turned my face to her, "Lea, I don't need anyone to put me out of my misery, that's what the booze is for." I glanced behind us at the table. Shane was still staring blankly at me while everyone seemed to be discussing how, when, where and who my first sexual experience in this body should be. "I'm leaving before the gang bang starts. Besides, no matter how hot he is, that man doesn't deserve me. That man is not for me, that can't be my fate in this life." I spun the stool back around so I wouldn't be facing him.

  "Who the hell are yo u, Grace, to decide that you can tell fate what to do? Has it worked for you yet? And how the hell do you know what your fate is supposed to be? This is how it is now. This, this is what you were given. A chance to live another life as Grace Taylor, don't mess this up for yourself Grace. And that man, right there is so freaking crazy in love with you that he can't even think straight knowing you might have been with someone else. You changed hi m, Grace, like a God damn lightning bolt to the heart. You can't tell me that you don't feel it, just looking at you two is like everybody is looking at something that's only written about in fairy tales. Take your chance with hi m, Grace. If it doesn't work, who fucking cares? Move on to the next guy. But don't let this one get away so fast."

  Shocked by her words, I stumbled off the stool and turned around. Shane was in my face. My heart slammed and thudded against my chest painfully. He rested both his hands on the bar on either side of me, trapping me. My mouth went dry and my whole body started to tingle.

  He moved in closer to me and gently tapped his forehead to mine. My knees turned to jelly and with one hand, he grabbed me around my waist to hold me up. Then he leaned his whole hard body against mine and I sank into him. He took a long deep breath and pulled me against him even closer. Ice-cold blue eyes stared at me for an eternity before he brought his lips to my ear and breathed the words, "Band practice tomorrow at ten. Make sure you bring your guitar this time." So not what I thought would come out of his mouth. I was hoping for his tongue. Ugh...what the hell is wrong with me?

  He let me go and stepped away from me, raking a hand through his hair. He walked backwards, blue eyes still on me. Then he turned around and walked out the door.

  "Wow, it's like watching porn when you guys are that close," Lea giggled next to me.

  I was still staring at the door. "Lea, I think I lost all the bones in my body, I feel all...fleshy."

  "Hmmm...I think you're in heat," was her stupid reply. It made me smile drunkenly anyway, because she was probably right.

  Chapter 13

  My clock glowed five in the morning, when I felt a cool fingertip run down the length of my arm. When it reached my wrist, it traveled back up caressing my skin gently to my shoulder. More cool fingertips joined and brushed across my chest and neck.

  I snapped my eyes open and wrestled myself out of the embrace. I remembered very clearly that I had gone to bed alone, after Lea held my hair back as I vomited everything I had ever ingested in my entire life into our toilet for an hour. Anyone who was in my bed after that was an uninvited guest and was about to get the ass kicking of their life.

  I tumbled off the mattress and onto the floor when the lamp I always kept next to my bed flicked on. By itself.

  Gabriel.

  Oh crap, I thought this was all over. "Hello Grace. You're looking...well," he whispered.

  I backed away from him until my back hit the wall. "Get out."

  In a blur of motion, he was on me, one hand wrapped itself tightly around my waist, the other around the back of my neck and his lips covered mine. "I wanted to give you something," he hummed into my mouth as he kissed me. A rush of sublime pleasure spiked through my body, pure bliss surged through my veins, euphoria seeped through my pores, but the only thing that filled my mind was Shane's beautiful face.

  Gabriel pushed my face away with his hands, causing my head to thump hard against the wall. His hands slid down my neck and his ancient blue eyes pierced into mine. "I can give you everything you have ever wanted, Grace. Don't think of him when it's my lips that are on you."

  I pushed myself off the wall and leveled my eyes with his, "All I ever wanted was him."

  "You still love him despite all he's do
ne to you?" He leaned forward, placed his cool lips on my forehead, and chuckled, "Make no mistake, Grace. We will be together."

  Then he was gone and I was left sitting alone in my bedroom wondering how Gabriel had gone from trying to kill me, to whatever the hell he was pulling now. After a while, my eyelids were too heavy to hold open any longer and the confusing theories I was debating in my head about Gabriel were too much and I fell back asleep.

  At nine o'clock, the alarm clock on my phone went off that Lea so thoughtfully set for me the night before as I hugged the toilet in front of her. I jumped in the shower swearing to myself I'd never drink another Mind Eraser again. I swallowed a handful of aspirin because even the water drops from the shower spray felt painful. I dressed in a simple pair of jeans and purple shirt and slipped on my sneakers.

  I had to drink a pot of coffee before I felt halfway human again.

  At ten minutes to ten, I grabbed my coat and my guitar and headed out the door. A tiny butterfly flew in slow soaring loops in my belly when I thought about being in the studio again with Shane. The way that man twisted my body and mind around was so not cool. What was even worse was the unrelenting desire of me wanting him to. Holy Crappocalypse! I was turning into one of THOSE GIRLS! I wanted to punch myself in the face to knock some sense into myself. Ha, if only I could. I shook the thoughts out of my mind.

  Outside my front door, a slight breeze moved the trees that lined my street. It smelled of warmth and sunshine and teased my nose with other pleasures of the spring that was yet to come. I smiled to myself as I walked the block noticing a few early sprouting tulips in my neighbor's flowers boxes that hung just below their front windows. Signs of life, new beginnings, and hope. The life of the tulip bulb paralleling mine, waking again to new life after each death sent a shiver through my body. Yet, I smiled knowing that this would be my last one. A strange thought to be happy about when I had a rouge angel trying to kill me. But Gabriel hadn't tried to hurt me that morning, had he? He just kissed me and offered to give me everything I ever wanted. I wondered if killing me would be the end of his plans for taking over the heavens, he couldn't have my soul if it was already there, could he?

  I crossed the avenue to Shane's block and wondered if I'd have to spend the rest of my existence on constant guard about Gabriel. I hoped that one day, the Heavens and whoever had some pull up there, would finally figure out that enough was enough with Gabriel and his torture of my soul. If this was my last crack at being a human with a normal life, I didn't want him jumping out at me every so often from behind the curtains to try to make me his...whatever it was he wanted me to be.

  I fumbled with the front door to the guy's apartment building almost dropping my guitar case. "Hey, Grace," Alex's voice murmured behind me.

  I turned my head and smiled into the extremely hung over face of Alex, "Ha, Alex. You look like I feel." He had deep purple bags under very blood shot eyes.

  He held up a fancy cardboard drink holder, "Yeah, I didn't get much sleep last night, but I have coffee. Shane sent me for it this morning when he told us he asked you to come and practice with us today." He leaned his back against the door to hold it open for me, nodding for me to go through. "Black with sweetener, right?"

  I stopped walking and turned around laughing, "How'd you know how I liked my coffee?"

  Alex's cheeks turned red and the color spread down his neck. For someone who was such a ham and so full of confidence, he sure did blush a lot. "Shane told me." He tilted his head and his green eyes turned serious. "Listen, I got to get this off my mind before we go in there, okay? Mad World isn't just a band that vomits out covers of other people's shit for a crap load of drunk people in a bar. We're a group of composers, writers, artists, and musicians. You are a part of that Grace." His smile was genuine. "I don't give a damn who you sleep or don't sleep with, even though I really would love to be your first. I don't care what Shane says, or what the hell was up his ass last night, but you're a huge part of this band now. You were, the minute you walked through the door in the audition and showed us you could play."

  I slung my guitar case over my back and threw my arms around him giving him a hug. "Thanks Alex. That means a lot to me."

  He barked out a laugh, "Damn girl, don't go rubbing up against me like that, my mind is doing all sorts of freakiness with your ass right now. Get in the studio before I cash in that V-card of yours!" Then he chased me down the stairs and right into the studio.

  The door thrust open and slammed itself up against the wall with a bang. Everyone inside moaned and grabbed their heads. Ethan sat behind his drum kit with his forehead on his snare drum and a pair of sunglasses on. "Bro, don't make another sound until I get my coffee."

  Brayden was strumming his bass, looked up, and nodded to us as we walked in. He looked like he slept more than anyone did and when he smiled at me, I could have sworn his teeth did that little sparkly cartoon gleam.

  Shane sat on one of the couches with his acoustic guitar between his legs and his forehead resting on its neck, he held a small black pick between his lips. My heart stopped at the sight of him and started again double time when his blue eyes locked on mine. His posture became suddenly rigid and he sat motionless as if made of stone. Then came the slump of his muscular arms and shoulders that relaxed with his long deep exhale of breath as if he'd been holding it in waiting for me. The thought sent a cool electric shiver up the middle of my spine that caused my entire body to tremble. His eyes widened when he noticed and then one side of his gorgeous mouth went up to show half a stunning grin.

  That's when it really hit me. If I had to stay here without my angel, then a life without having Shane in it was unimaginable, unthinkable, unbelievable, unfair, and just was not going to happen. I was a normal human girl, and now I had no one for my soul to stay faithful to. I can do whatever I wanted. Right then standing in front of that grin of his, being one of Shane's one-night flings was looking almost appetizing to me. Almost.

  Ethan's deep voice cut my thoughts short. "Play that new rhythm again Shane, let's all listen to it and improvise. Then we could sit around and think of some lyrics for it."

  I unbuckled my case and slid my guitar out. It felt alive in my hands and I couldn't wait for it to sing. With my guitar, I could write my own stories, my own poems, and my own destiny. No one could take away the feelings, the emotions or the truth of my notes. They could hide secrets and provoke images of words that never should be whispered. I could compose the melody of my aching heart and write into it my own happily ever after since no one seemed to think after all my suffering I deserved one. That's okay, I would make my own. My own story where the two distinct beautiful harmonies could merge as one and the sounds of it would...let you see a glimpse of heaven. I tossed my case against the wall with my coat and sat down crossed legged on the floor and tuned up.

  "It's got lyrics," Shane murmured as he walked over and sat across from me crossing his legs like mine. Our knees brushed each other's and my body trembled. Oh my God.

  "What did you say, bro?" Ethan asked.

  Shane's eyes met mine ; looking at me through those impossibly long dark lashes. Intense. Dangerous. Beautiful. "It has lyrics. I'm just not ready to sing them yet...it's called Until You," he told Ethan but his scorching gaze never left mine. Then out of the silence, a slow addictive melody languidly danced through the strings of his instrument and the world just ceased to exist around me. The notes started as tiny whispers; little echoes of murmurs; of secrets. They rose in volume and intensity and danced themselves along my skin, leaving goose bumps wherever they touched. The melody woke me like I was long dead and it was the first sound to touch my newborn ears.

  Shane cocked his head at me, "Come o n, girl, play with me," he whispered. His white tee shirt strained against the muscles of his chest and shoulders as his fingers moved along the strings.

  A wave of small tremors washed along my hands and the tips of my fingers tingled with anticipation. I wet my lips to try to moisten
the desert that sprouted in my mouth. My insides quivered with a slow buildup of something that I couldn't quite grasp at the identity of. Maybe those elusive butterflies were about to attack.

  I listened closely to the melody Shane twisted into the air. Getting lost in its story, I closed my eyes and let my fingers sway themselves against the strings of my guitar. A stunning smile, more perfect than the sun, passed over his lips encouraging me to play more. I thrust myself into the emotional passion of the riff and I swear I felt something inside me break loose and unravel. Getting lost in the music, my body rocked, each note eased me into forgetting who I was, just leaving my raw soul and my guitar.

  My fingers writhed along the strings, slow and steady notes telling of my hunger. His sharp tones answered me back with strength and power. Our harmony quickened together as if we needed a rush to our release, until an explosion of sound tore at our hearts, our souls. You couldn't tell our melodies apart, where his story begun or my story ended. We played as one.

  All the anger, all the heartache and sorrow drifted away on each note and passion and intensity seemed to reverberate throughout the room. A raw heated tension twisted from the music and pulsated throughout my body until it murmured in our ears like a soft flapping of a butterfly's wings, unraveling until finally there was silence.

  My skin tingled and I was hyper-aware of Shane's eyes on my lips, my eyes, my neck, my hands, all of me. He frantically searched my features caressing me with his eyes, his face paled and he swallowed hard, "I'm so sorr y, Grace, I..."

  "Please don't," I whispered bringing my gaze to his. "Let's not try to hurt each other anymore with words, there's been enough damage. Let's just play," I pleaded looking away. I know I was being impossible, but we had an audience and the words I wanted to say couldn't be said, yet.

  His hands lingered over his strings, his focus still on me as the miles of sadness spread themselves out between us. It felt so wrong to be so far away from him and yet so wrong to be so close.