Saving Grace

by Christine Zolendz

  Shane's eyes flickered toward me standing at the door and his expression was tight and unreadable. But, not mine. No, not mine, I could feel my mouth hanging open and the tears stung my eyes as if they were made of fire. And right there, standing there, DYING, I realized I had never truly been introduced to Shane Maxton, had I? This one, standing there, leading a barely dressed girl out of his bedroom, or whatever room they came from, as he dressed to go to band practice with me, that's the real Shane. The one who was standing in his living room with a tired and bothered expression across his face staring at me, as if I intruded, that's the real Shane. The one who had me wait for him to come back to my bedroom last night so I could hand him my everything, but was too busy in someone else to come. Oh, Grace...I need you like I need to breathe, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, right! I wanted to throw one of the full bottles of liquor at him that was near my feet and smash some sense into him.

  I tried my best to stare blankly in his direction, pretending I didn't give a shit. But I felt like the walls were closing in on me and I struggled for air.

  I had my soul mate taken away from me. I have spent centuries looking for him living the horrible senseless lives of pathetic people. I find my soul mate; lose him again. Get taken by a psychotic Gabriel who wants to make me his, and in my last life of this existence, Shane Maxton breaks my heart before I could even tell him he could have it. Wow. Just wow. Unfreaking believable.

  I clench my teeth and squint my eyes so the tears don't finish forming. Forget him! Who's next? He shouldn't matter to me. It was just Shane; it was bound to happen, right? But it did matter, because it was Shane, and he was the only one to make me forget. "I got coffee for everyone downstairs if practice is still on," I croaked.

  Alex climbed out from behind the couch at this point wearing a pair of black boxers with a giant yellow smiley face on the front. "Ah, Grace my love, you always have the most perfect things coming from your lips. Lead me to the coffee."

  Alex stumbled past me in his boxers and down the hall to the staircase. Ethan followed him. I smiled, lips trembling, and went to leave with them. Then Shane's hands were grabbing on to me and pulling me back inside to him, digging his fingers desperately into my flesh. His touch seared me and I flinched. The girl strutted past us slowly and bit her lower lip looking from me to Shane. "Let me know if you find my bra, sweetie. I'll round up the girls and we'll meet you in the studio in a bit."

  Shane's eyes widened at her and then they met mine. The girl swayed her half-naked ass back down the hallway, giggling. I can't help but watch her walk away. I feel little and insignificant. Heartbroken. But my ass was definitely a lot nicer than hers and I pitied, no, hated Shane for picking the wrong girl. " Dam n, Shane, did you choose the wrong girl last night," I whispered.

  "Grace, don't. Don't even think any of your stupid shit about me. The only person I wanted to be with last night was you. It's always you."

  Slowly, I trailed my eyes away from the sight of her ass and back to Shane. "Sure, Shane. Whatever you say. It's not like I don't know how you are Shane, so please don't mistake me for stupid." I yanked my body away from him and smiled sweetly. "I'm going into the studio to practice. I'll see you whenever you get there." I walked off down the hallway with tears welling in my eyes, "Remember I brought you boys coffee," I called nonchalantly.

  I swiped at my eyes before I stepped into the studio. Ethan and Alex sat hunched over their coffees. Ethan looked up with a curious expression when I walked. "Hey, you okay, Grace?"

  "Yep. Fanfreakingawesome!"

  Ethan cocked his head. "Your eyes are all red and you seem a bit pissed."

  I glared at him. "Nope. Just peachy. Wonderfreakingful."

  Alex laughed, "Why do you keep talking like that?"

  "NOTHINGISFREAKINGWRONG!"

  That shut them both up. I grabbed my coffee and gulped it down. It burned my freaking tongue. How was it possible that it was still burning hot was beyond me. Must be the shit-ass luck of my life.

  Shane stormed into the studio with Brayden and a group of four horribly dressed girls. I swear, each one was prettier than the next and I loathed all of them. A whole gang of real life porn stars, how nice.

  "Oh man, make them go away," Ethan whispered under his breath. He gave a tight glance to Alex who nodded in agreement. "It's going to be a long sleepless week."

  The dark haired girl walked herself right up to me and smirked, the other three followed suit, circling me. Like vultures or sharks about to attack. From my peripheral view, I watched Ethan get really tight and uncomfortable about how the girls were reacting to me. Alex grabbed his arm and pulled him back as he tried to move forward to help me. "Dude, it's Grace. She'll be fine. Let her piss on her turf."

  "Hey there. Grace. We're the Vixen4," the dark haired girl sneered, flipping her long brittle hair behind her shoulder. "They call me Bliss," she hissed. They surrounded me closely and I was momentarily floored by how different they looked up close. Old, worn and half-dead, holy crap, Shane slept with the Crypt Keeper!

  "Oh, is that what they call you? I wonder what they call you when you're not around." I stated sweetly.

  Her smile disappeared.

  I wanted to vomit thinking that Shane may have had sex with the thing standing in front of me, it burned the back of my throat and I swallowed it down hard. She may have once been pretty, but a hard life oozed from her pores and what looked like track marks scarred her arms. Stupid, dumb Shane, I will hate you forever for choosing her over me. Her eyes were dull and bloodshot, ringed with mascara that heavily hung in clumps from her eyelashes.

  Bliss stepped even closer to me and grimaced. She outwardly ignored my remark and continued her introductions. "This here is Scratch," she said pointing to a pink haired girl wearing a tutu that matched. "You might want to ask Shane why we call her that, unless you've already seen the scars on his back?" she whispered.

  I knew the skank was lying. I can tell you that I have seen every inch of that man's back and committed its perfect contours to my memory, her damn nail marks aren't there. I giggled. "Wow, Bliss. The color jealous bitch doesn't suit you, why do you bother wearing it?"

  Her mouth opened and closed, and then she laughed sarcastically. "Wow, the little shit has a mouth on her pretty little face. How fucking sweet is that," she laughed again and gave me a snide look. She pointed a bony finger at the two remaining girls. "This is Cream," she said about her blonde haired friend. "And this here is Essex," she jabbed her thumb at the last girl who wore a short military style buzz cut.

  Bliss charged at me and stopped an inch in front of my face. I didn't move. I didn't even flinch, not even a tiny bit of eye widening or a gasp. NOTHING! There was no way I was letting this waste of human skin make me feel that I was inferior to her. Because I wasn't. Shane may have thought so, but that doesn't make it true! The minute she opened her mouth to say something, I thought I was truly done for. The stench of alcohol was harsh and bitter, but I held my ground, burning eyes and all.

  "She don't look like very much to me, gentlemen," she turned to face Shane and my eyes locked to his. Brayden was holding him back, his eyes were full of hate, and he was looking right at her. I guess he still thought that after screwing her, I'd jump on her sloppy seconds and he didn't want her to mess it up. I laughed. I laughed out loud right in her face, and I watched Shane's anger turn in to what seemed to look like awe. What the heck?

  "Wow, Blis s, how long did it take you to come up with that one? Did it keep you up all night?"

  "No Shane kept me up all night," she sneered.

  I lifted my gaze to Shane and watched the absolute horror dawn on his face. His beautiful face. He shook his head no and tried to struggle out of Brayden's hold. Ethan jumped up and helped hold him back, but I think it was more for me to see him and send his encouragement. I looked dead in her eyes and smiled another sweet smile. " S o, Bliss, tell me how much semen do you swallow to actually become that stupid? Why would I care who kept your creepy lookin
g ass up all night? And Shane, well we all know, you could slap a wig and stilettos on a fucking three legged chair and Shane would try to fuck it. I wouldn't be bragging about getting a piece of Shane, anybody could." I stepped closer to her, bumping into her, like I was a badass street fighter. My adrenaline started shooting fireworks off under my skin and I was about to go all Bruce Lee on her ass Return of the Dragon style.

  "Ah man," Alex murmured. "I love that girl. You guys are so lucky I broke my arms to get her."

  I walked right past Bliss thrusting my shoulder into hers, spinning her around like a rag doll. "You guys ready to play?" I asked walking over to my guitar and hauling the old worn out strap over my head. "Or you guys going to bring in the mud and watch Bliss and I go at it for your viewing pleasure."

  Alex jumped out of his seat, ran over to me and picked me up twirling me around. He nestled his face near my ear, "You're my favorite girl ever."

  Shane pulled him off me and Alex held up his hands laughing. "Relax, bro. She's all of ours, not just yours."

  "Get off her, Alex," Shane said as he yanked me out of the studio and into the hallway. He raked his hands through his hair and stood waiting, "Say something to me Grace. Tell me that you know me better than that."

  I leaned my back heavily against the wall, my guitar tugging on my shoulders as I strummed a few chords. "Lie to me Shane. Tell me that you didn't leave me and spend the night with her." He stepped back like I slapped him. I shook my head and laughed pulling myself off the wall, "You know what? Don't bothe r, Shane. We were just friends, so there's no bad crap between us, it's none of my business what and who you do. Let it go, I know we didn't have anything more between us. Let's just do what we do best together, okay?"

  He swallowed hard and shook his head slowly, color draining from his face. God, I wanted him to say something to me. Make it better Shane! Take away this freaking pain, take it away please, I don't want it anymore! It was physical; I felt it in my gut, like someone had just ripped my insides and pulled them right down to hell. I wanted him to deny everything that I pictured disgustingly in my head. His lips on her, her hands on him, oh God, I really, really wanted him to love me. Just me.

  But he didn't. And before my body could crumple in on itself, I walked past him, letting him go.

  When I went back into the studio, I jammed my chord into the huge amps and I know Ethan caught me wiping the tears from my eyes by the way his body stiffened and the look he gave Shane.

  Without waiting for Shane's cue, I started playing Mad World's set and felt pretty damn high when I watched the expressions of Vixen4. I slammed violently on my strings like I was colliding my fists against their faces. My voice exploded against them like slaps across their cheeks, and I tore through riffs with a fury like I wanted to tear through Shane. I wrecked their sorry asses, without even touching them.

  Chapter 21

  When we played the entire set of all the songs Mad World had ever composed, I walked over to my guitar case and started packing up without saying a word.

  "Hey, how about some Janis?" Shane pleaded into the microphone, his voice breaking.

  The studio went silent when I lifted my face to him. "I don't really feel like I have any more pieces of my heart to give right now Shane."

  I walked out of the studio without looking back. Opening my cell, I pressed Lea's icon and waited for her to answer her work phone.

  "Hey, girlie!"

  "Hey, Lea. What are you doing after work?" I asked.

  "I don't have any plans. What's on your mind?"

  "I was thinking about a Boys Hater Club Night, are you in?" I said.

  "What happened?" her voice took on a serious tone.

  "I walked into Shane's apartment and he was with one of the girls from Vixen4," I explained.

  "What do you mean by WITH?" Now she was yelling.

  "Exactly? What I saw was Shane pulling a shirt over that chest that you love so much while she trailed behind him without one on herself." I heard Lea gasp on the other end of the phone. "Yeah, she was only wearing a little sliver of panties," I sighed.

  "I don't BELIEVE HIM!" She was yelling even louder.

  By the time I reached our front door, she had called him every obscene word I'd ever heard, and of course since this is Lea, a bunch I've never heard. We planned to go Boozer's for some dinne r, because I knew for a fact that Vixen4 had a show at a club on the West Side and the guys were all going, oh yeah, and I was hoping that Ryan would be there.

  Throwing my guitar onto the couch, I raided the refrigerator and ate the first thing I could grab, which was some sort of frozen prepackaged dinner. After cleaning, I changed into sweats, threw on my hoodie and opened my front door to go for a run. Lea wasn't going to be home for at least another three hours and the thought of staying by myself and thinking about Shane was not happening.

  Shane was outside, and of course, he was dressed in his running gear. My stomach fluttered. "Yeah, I thought you'd be ready for a run," he said.

  "And you thought this because..." I prompted closing and locking the door behind me.

  "Because you're pissed off at me and when you get angry you run. It's what helps you think, clears your head."

  "You are very arrogant, Shane Maxton, to think that I'd be thinking of you or feel angry with you." I started stretching while I watched his expression closely.

  "No, babe. You do think of me, you are angry with m e, and Grac e, you want me every damn bit as much as I want you."

  "Well c rap , Shane, now I really need to run."

  So I ran and he followed, letting me set my pace. Then he moved along beside me and matched my rhythm. We ran the loops in Central Park for two hours and then we cooled down, walking slowly back to my apartment.

  I bounced up my front steps and unlocked the door. I held the door open with my hand and our eyes locked. "Want to come in for some water?"

  A sexy smile lit up his face and he followed me in. It took all I had in me not to slap it off. How could he just climb off of one girl and so quickly try to get on another? I mean, I don't think there's anything wrong with it, but it pissed me off because it hurt ME and because I had real feelings for him.

  I walked in front of him and grabbed at the bottom of my hoodie and pulled it over my head really slow.

  "Ah, Grace," he breathed.

  I knew exactly what I was doing. I had on a tiny tank top on underneath that showed off my back. When I shimmied out of my sweats and stood in front of him with just my tiny boy shorts on, I could hear his breath pitch. He was right, I was angry, I did think of him and now I wanted him to know what he missed.

  "Come here," Shane whispered as he came up behind me, wrapping his arms around me. He pulled me so close to him that his bare chest was brushing up against my back. Cra p, I missed him taking his shirt off! He lowered his face into my neck, his breath hot against my damp skin.

  I almost lost it completely, all that anger that I wanted to hold on to. The thought of him with Bliss, the way she strutted down the hall and him denying nothing; I turned around to face him. I slid my finger along the lines of his tattoo. "I'd love to hear the story behind this one day," I whispered kissing and gliding my tongue over the inked lines. I looked up at him through my long dark lashes. Shane's lips parted and I could feel his heart pounding against my chest and watched him pant faster with each breath. Knowing that I was the one that was affecting Shane like this made my insides pull.

  "God, Grace," he moaned. Shane bent his head down and rested his forehead against mine. His fingers gently ran through my hair grasping handfuls and knotted them into his fists. Holding onto my head firmly he pulled my face to his and hovered his lips over mine. Our eyes locked, it was intense and raw, his breaths hot and sweet over my skin. Then he took the smallest nip of my bottom lip and tugged, pulling back. When he slipped his tongue inside my mouth, I just about came apart in his hands.

  "Ahhh no, no. I can't do this," I moaned and pulled away. "I'm done, Shane."
/>   He pulled his face away, his eyes focusing on mine. He stood up straight and ridged, "What's that mean, Grace?"

  "I'm. Done. Shane."

  The handfuls of my hair he held tightly in his fists pulled tighter. He searched my face and growled, "Grace, what are you done with?"

  "You."

  His hands flew off me like I was painful to touch. "Don't give up on m e, Grace. I'm here with you now."

  I backed up and moved away from him. I laughed; he was here with me, NOW! My brain was torn between asking him to follow me and throwing him out. I wanted him to make me forget what I saw, but I couldn't ask him, and he did nothing to help me erase the thoughts.

  "Shane," I shook my head slowly. "You have this special way of making any girl feel...completely insignificant, and I couldn't care less what you say or do, I won't agree to be insignificant, inconsequential or easy replaceable for anyone."

  Walking down the hallway I left him standing there watching me. I closed the door quietly to the bathroom, started the shower and slid down to the floor wrapping my arms around my knees. I left the door unlocked, because, God forgive me for being so weak, I wanted Shane to come in. I wanted him to come in after me and tell me I wasn't insignificant and meaningless to him, that I was the one that was special. The only one. And as I sat there, listening to the stream of the water hit the tub and feeling the warm moisture of the air I knew he never would. That special connection I wanted, that intense crazy love that made you completely breathless, that was just in fairytales.

  I dressed in a pair of tight low-rise jeans and a tiny red shirt that left little to the imagination. The shirt was just a triangular piece of material that was completely open in the back, only held together by a thin black elastic band across my bare skin. It showed off my broken angel wing tattoo and the Nullum Desiderium, Deus solus me iudicare potest (No regrets, only God can judge me) scrolled across the middle of my back that was always hidden under the strap of my bra.