TDX2 - Too Dull To Die

by Dani J Caile

early? Why aren’t you down on the surface? You’ve got work to do.”

  “My next is half an hour from now. Thought I’d pop in because I have a problem.”

  “Too right you have. I’ve been saying that for centuries.”

  Graham slumped onto the counter. “No, really.” Guido noticed that all these women had their own problem. Weight-watchers would do some great business up here.

  “What’s the problem?” Mavis looked at Guido. “What’s that?”

  “Who’s that. It’s Guido.”

  “Guido? Isn’t that a disease?”

  “No, it isn’t.”

  “He hasn’t changed yet.” Guido had heard enough of that line.

  “Are you sure he was on your list?” Mavis gestured for Graham’s list.

  “Yes, see?” Mavis found Guido’s name and lip read it out a few times.

  “No, it’s not a disease, it’s more like a soufflé.” She gave a long sigh. “Well, there are only 2 reasons I know why he hasn’t changed yet, and if he’s here, then it’s not the first one.”

  “Yes, that’s why I picked him up. But the second…”

  “Yes, the second is pretty improbable. Not impossible, of course. Impossible is relative. But if you ask me…” Mavis was cut short by Guido putting his hand up.

  “Excuse me, I may be dead but I’m still here, you know.” Guido was getting tired of being spoken about and not to.

  “You, Guido?”

  “Yes, madam?”

  “What did you do with your life?”

  Guido knew this was a make or break question. “Err, not much, really.”

  “Not much, huh? Mmm, he could be.”

  “Excuse me, madam? Could be what?”

  “You could be what we call in the business a ‘dud’. You did nothing, right?”

  “I did something, I know I did something.” But Guido couldn’t think what.

  “But nothing of value.”

  “I’m sure I must’ve done something of value…”

  “Your appearance says different. What were you doing down there? Sleeping? Were you in a coma your whole life?” Guido was upset, he hadn’t spent his life in bed, he had done something. Least, he thought he had.

  “Guido here was about to take a cruise when I took him.” Graham’s remark caught Mavis’s attention.

  “A cruise, huh? That’s nice.”

  “A world cruise.” Guido corrected Graham. Details were important.

  “Oh my, now that I’d like to try.” Guido saw a smile appear on Mavis’s face for the first time.

  “Me, too.” Guido reciprocated with a smile. “But I died.”

  “So unfair.” Mavis rummaged through some papers on her desk. “Yes, well, these things happen. Physical life is indifferent.” Whatever she was looking for, wasn’t on her desk. “Well, you’re the customer around here. And seeing as you haven’t changed, there’s only one thing to do.”

  “Really? What would that be?” Guido and Graham watched as what anyone who knew Mavis would call miraculous happened. Mavis stood up. She got up from her rather large white chair and began to search through the shelves behind her. Among the higher shelves, she found what she was looking for, a small form.

  “Here it is, an RE-TDx2. Last time I handed one of these out was for Belushi.”

  “Belushi? John Belushi?” Guido was a little surprised, first by the name, and second that he had something in common with John Belushi.

  “Yes, that one. It turned out that the Big Guy just wanted to have some fun and relive some of Belushi’s experiences. He went straight ‘down below’ afterwards, of course.” Guido didn’t understand, but it sounded like things were moving in the right direction. It was typical of his whole life that he would find himself in this situation at his death. Mavis gave the form to Graham.

  Guido suddenly felt parched. “Excuse me, do you have any water? I’m dying of thirst.”

  “Is that meant to be a joke?” Mavis turned her smile back to her usual grimace.

  “Sorry? No, no, really, I need a drink.” Mavis kept her eyes on Guido as she poured him a small glass of water from her own personal supply.

  “Here.” Guido took the water and started drinking.

  “Ah, a Re-entry form.” It was a tatty piece of A5 paper with a list typed on it. “What do you do with it?” With a tut, Mavis explained the process to Graham.

  “When you get to a memory, circle any experience of value. If it isn’t of any value or merit in terms of development, cross it off. And when you think you’re done or you’ve just had enough, come back and we’ll assess the form. If he had any experiences of value, he moves on, if not, we throw him back.”

  “Ah, paper. Lovely, technology today. Have you got a pen?” Mavis begrudingly handed him over a pen.

  “I want that back when you’re done.”

  “Of course.”

  “Oh, and here’s something you’ll need, a TT.” Mavis blew a large layer of dust off a small circular device she found on the shelf and passed it to Graham.

  “Long time since I’ve had my hands on one of these.” Guido sprayed his last gulp of water all over Graham.

  “Sorry? What? Tittie? Excuse me?” Graham took out a handkerchief and wiped off the water.

  “Well, this is a Memory Internalised Time-Travelling Instrument. With this we’ll be going back in time in your life, well, what you can remember of it.” Graham showed Guido the time device. “Abbreviated as MITTI, but it’s called TT for short.” Guido was holding back a laugh. “I see you didn’t develop your humour much down there. Are you ready, or do you want to giggle a bit longer?” Guido did his best to stop. Graham turned back to a now seated Mavis. “Does it work?”

  “Are you questioning the integrity of my TTs? I can tell you now that they were examined and inspected only a few centuries ago and were said to be in excellent condition! Nothing wrong with my TTs!” Guido fell to the floor in laughter, holding his sides and rolling around. “What’s wrong with him?”

  “Don’t mind him, it’s just monkey humour.” Graham picked Guido off the floor. “Thank you, Mavis.”

  “You’ve got less than half an hour before you have to be back down on the surface for your next pickup. Be quick about it.” Graham struggled to take Guido away, who was still shaking from laughter.

  (Back to Top)

  4

  Graham sat Guido on a bench in a quiet part of the large office while he worked out the TT.

  “Have you had much experience of TTs?” Guido couldn’t help himself.

  “Enough of that. This is a delicate piece of machinery. Ah-ha!” Graham hit one of the buttons on the side and two long wires extended from the device.

  “What are they?” Guido watched as a wire with a sucker came floating towards him. “Hey!”

  “Don’t worry, relax.”

  “You keep saying that.” Guido dodged around as the sucker tried to hit his forehead.

  “Don’t do that, it’s trying to connect.”

  “Connect?” The sucker took the brief moment in Guido’s lapse of concentration and hit him smack in the middle of his forehead. The other wire connected to Graham’s in the same way. “Oh my…” Guido felt dizzy, and slithered off the bench to the ground. He felt so good.

  “You might feel a bit queezy for a while.”

  “Queezy? This is fantas…” Guido changed his mind as the feeling turned from euphoria to sickness. “Ughh.”

  “It’s calibrating, from top to bottom. It’ll finish in a few seconds.”

  Guido saw that it hadn’t had any effect on Graham. “And what about you? Ughh, yuck. Why aren’t you affected?”

  “No top, no bottom. What’s there to calibrate?” Guido was starting to feel more normal as Graham hit another switch. From inside the TT appeared a minute floating speck, which one second later turned into a full-blown two seater wheel-less floating motorbike. Graham sat on the front. “Come on, we haven’t got all day.” Guido, with the wire stuck
to his forehead, was reluctant to move.

  “I’ve never ridden on a motorbike before, let alone a floating one which comes out from nowhere.”

  “Then you’ve never lived.” Graham kicked the bike into life, revving it up into a roar. “Yes! Oh, I’m going to like this.”

  “Yes, I never lived.” Guido wondered just how many things he had missed out on. With some coaxing, Guido got on the back behind Graham. “Where are we going?”

  “That depends on you.” Graham twisted the accelerator and away they went. Guido watched as the white wall they were heading for grew closer every second.

  “What do you mean ‘depends on me’?” Guido was worried that he had to do something. They were heading for the wall. Quickly.

  “Think of something.” Guido hid behind Graham in fear, they were going to crash.

  “Help!”

  “That’ll do.” They disappeared a split second before hitting the wall. Realising that nothing had happened, Guido looked over Graham’s shoulder and saw they were speeding through some tunnel, weaving this way and that.

  “Where…where are we? And why aren’t we wearing helmets?”

  “We’re in your memory. I’ve seen better.”

  “Thanks. Where are we going?” Guido was beginning to like motorcycling.

  “If you say that one more time…” Graham took a deep breath. “To wherever you send us, Guido. It’s a one-way road, but a nice ride.” The tunnel was narrowing. “Oh, almost there.”

  “What’s happening? The tunnel’s getting smaller…” Graham revved the motorbike, and they went faster than before. “…and you’re going faster! What are you doing?”

  “We have to pick up some speed to get through the first time.”

  “Get through?” The tunnel collapsed on them, and