TDX2 - Too Dull To Die

by Dani J Caile

by it, but intrigued.

  “There’s nothing much to say. Wicked, smelly, mischievous, and plain dogsbody to Satan and Lucifer. There are thousands of them, at the last count. Come on, have a closer look. When will you ever see another one?” Guido walked closer to the creature, but out of arm’s reach.

  “Satan and Lucifer? Aren’t they one and the same?”

  “Common misconception. Anyway, just so you know, this is how it all works. If you did something really bad in your life, like killed someone, messed around with your neighbour’s wife, destroyed someone’s life, or just forgot your mother’s birthday, then when you die, one or more of these little pests come for you.”

  “Yuk.”

  “More than yuk. Satan has a certain way with souls. “

  “I bet he does.” Guido stared at the hobgoblin in disgust.

  “I’ll have to report this sighting, the information might come in handy later on in another case.” Graham punched a few buttons on his phone. “Shall we go somewhere else now?”

  “Yes, please.” They both got on the motorbike this time, Guido made sure of that, and Graham set off with a roar of the engine, disappearing through the far wall of the classroom in a bubble and a ‘pop’. The hobgoblin’s eye followed their every move.

  (Back to Top)

  6

  After the next ‘pop’, Graham’s motorbike came to a halt in newly cut grass. “Where are we?” Guido got off and looked around.

  “In a small village in the East of England.”

  “Ah, yes, that explains the hills.”

  “Where?”

  “Exactly.” A large group of people were standing not so far away cheering and shouting.

  “We’re still at school, the same one as before, only a few years later.”

  “At least you’re methodical. Why are they making all that noise?” Guido was first to get to the crowd.

  “It’s Sports Day.” Guido walked past the enthusiastic parents and teachers and over to the white lines chalked out in the grass.

  “Right. Ah, there you are.” Graham pointed to the young Guido, standing with a group of boys wearing only shorts and vests ready to start. “I’ve seen more meat on a fly. Don’t tell me, shotputt, right?”

  “No. Running.”

  “Running, great. Were you good at it?”

  “I thought I was, until this day.” Eight boys lined up at the starting line, ready for the 100m sprint.

  “Anyone placing bets?”

  “No. In the practise, I was second fastest behind our year’s ‘sportsman’, a boy called Davis. He used to train every day. His father was a fanatic.”

  “Second. Going to be a good race, then? Super, at last something to circle on the form, an experience of value.”

  “Not exactly.” The boys tensed up for the start, and the teacher set them off with a ‘Go!’. At first, they were running together, with one boy moving way ahead of the others.

  “I’m guessing that’s Davis.” Guido nodded. “What’s going on now?” One boy moved across into young Guido’s lane, pushing Guido back and forcing him behind. “Hey! That’s not on!” Then the boy to the right did the same, with now three boys running in the same lane, with young Guido bringing up the rear. “Hey! That has gotta be against the rules!”

  “Yes, it is. Go and tell the teachers that.” Guido moved away from the race, he knew what was next, fourth place. Graham was transfixed.

  “Where are you going? There’s more to see.”

  “Third would have given me a little medal.” Guido moved further away from Graham. He looked up at the sky. “After this day, I wasn’t treated as very athletic, even if I did something ‘extraordinary’.”

  “Ah, a pivotal moment, but one of no developmental value.” Graham crossed off ‘sports’ from the form.

  Guido didn’t see them appear, three of them behind him, with their spiky features and grotesque matted wings. He felt small boney hands grab his arms and lift him off the grass. “Hey! Help! Help!” He rose further and faster into the air and reached the edge of the scene. His face and body were pushed against its surface and finally he heard the now recognisable ‘pop’ as he breached the bubble. The wire on his forehead slipped off and disappeared.

  (Back to Top)

  7

  When Guido came to, there was a lamp shining into his face. He tried to move but he was held down in a lying position by something. Looking down, he saw chains on his arms and legs, they were strong and tight. The lamp was moved away and he made out a smiling face hanging over him. The smile was like nothing he’d seen before, teeth, nothing but teeth. Large ones.

  “Why, hello, my dear fellow. I hope you had an enjoyable journey here.”

  “I…I can’t remember.” The smile was gone, leaving an angel’s face in its place. But this angel was different to the one he’d seen earlier. Guido couldn’t figure out in what way.

  “Yes, some do, some don’t.” Guido lifted his head and saw he was in a small room, minimally furnished. There were three of those horrible little creatures standing by the door and he let out a scream. “Oh, those are just my servants, my dear. No need to be alarmed.”

  “What…what are they doing? And why am I being held?”

  “They are waiting for my orders. And you are waiting for processing.” Satan walked up to a large cupboard which was covered in what Guido thought were bumper stickers, until he read a few: ‘Dead person aboard’, ‘My other body’s a zombie’, ‘Honk if you’re dead’. He watched as Satan opened one side of the cupboard and chose something.

  “Processing? What do you mean? Do you want my name?”

  “Dear boy, I already have that…don’t I?” One of the hobgoblins flew to Satan and showed him Guido’s name on a clipboard. “Ah, now that’s a moniker. No wonder you were bad.”

  “Bad? I wasn’t bad.” Guido realised where he was. This was no ordinary angel. “You’re Satan! Or Lucifier! Or whatever!”

  “Satan, dear boy. Lucifer’s still having breakfast, he got up late, as usual.” Satan took out an instrument from the cupboard which wouldn’t go amiss in a slaughterhouse. “So, you were bad, dear boy, and you will have to pay for it. You should have listened to your seniors.”

  “I don’t think I was bad, was I? I’m sure I wasn’t.” Guido started to sweat or at least had the sensation of sweating.

  “Oh, dear boy, there’s no use denying it. You were bad, face the fact.”

  “No, I’m sure I wasn’t bad. I might not have done anything good, but I didn’t do anything bad. Well, too bad. I was on the ‘good’ list.” Satan came closer with the now twirling instrument.

  “It’s not Christmas, my dear fellow, I’m Satan, not Santa.” He cleaned off some old ‘material’ from the instrument he was holding. “This is serious, we’re talking about life and death here, not what you’ll have as a starter in an Thai restaurant.”

  “But I wasn’t bad. Least, I don’t think I was.”

  “Look at you, you haven’t changed yet. There are only 2 reasons for that. The first is simply that you were bad. The second is highly unlikely, no soul can be that dumb.” Satan stopped for a moment and spoke aside to the hobgoblins who were awaiting his orders. “Where did you say you found him?”

  “In MITTI, O Great One.” Satan had to double take.

  “In your what?”

  “In the Memory Time Travel, O Great One.” The hobgoblin cringed, waiting for a slap, which didn’t happen. Satan turned back to the chained Guido.

  “Oh. So they were giving you a chance, huh?” Satan turned off the twirling instrument, put it on a side table and went over to the open cupboard again. “Okay, okay, I’m feeling a little ‘giving’ at the moment. My scrambled eggs with extra paprika were done just right this morning. I’ll tell you what, my boy, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. Let’s go into your memory and find out once and for all whether you were bad or not. Ha, my TT!” Satan roared his infamous evil laugh. Guido didn’t move a muscle.
He noticed Satan now had a circular device in his hand similar to the one used by Graham, but much dirtier. The dust on it was like a dried up crust. Satan pressed a button, and the two same wires extended outwards. One stuck onto Guido’s head, the other onto Satan’s.

  “Oh, no, not again.” Guido didn’t feel like experiencing anymore of his memories, the first bunch were tiring enough.

  “Unchain him.” The closest hobgoblin got a smack around the head from Satan, while the other two undid the chains holding Guido. Guido sat up and watched as a floating speck appeared out from Satan’s TT and grew into a wheel-less…moped.

  “A moped? Last time it was a motorbike.”

  “Each to his own. I find this to be more evil.” There was a large black wooden box on the back with a logo on the side saying ‘Satan’s Pizzas : Guaranteed Hot on Delivery’. Satan gave another order to the three hobgoblins. “Wait for us here, we won’t be long. You.” Satan pointed to Guido. “Get on the back, please.” Guido sat behind Satan. “And hold on.”

  “What, put my arms around you?”

  “What are you, Lucifer? Just do it.” Guido did it. He was sure he could feel something slivering under Satan’s dark cloak. Satan turned the key, pressed the button, and off they went. Slowly.

  “Is this fast enough?” Guido looked over Satan’s shoulder, it would take a while to reach the wall.

  “It’s not the speed that counts, it’s the intention. No matter what speed you do, the destination will still be there. There won’t be any parking spaces left, of course, but you can’t have