The Double Life: A Novel By Shea Lynn

by Shea Lynn

  She smiled. And I smiled. The straightened dark hair that normally fell past her shoulders was pulled back into a ponytail. And though the temperature was pushing 85 and the humidity made it closer to 90, she was wearing a long-sleeved t-shirt.

  In a flash, she was in my arms. I didn’t care who was watching me or what the right protocol was. All that mattered was that I could hold her close, inhale the essence of her and know that she was alright.

  Sidney’s shoulders shook as we hugged and though I didn’t think it possible, I hugged her even tighter.

  “I really needed you, Dayna,” she whispered.

  That tugged on my heart, made it flutter against my chest. “I know you did.”

  We loaded up my car and checked her out of the lodge before getting back onto the road. As I drove, I held her hand in mine. I hated the circumstances, but there was a part of me that liked being the stronger one. Sidney needed me. When I look back at that time, I realize that this shift, her needing me, being vulnerable with me, helped make us stronger.

  We were still driving towards home when she said, “I had to tell him, Dayna.”

  I glanced over at her before returning my gaze to the road. “I know.”

  “I couldn’t keep pretending. I’ve been pretending for a long time. And now that I’ve been with you, I know what it’s like when I don’t have to pretend,” she continued.

  I swallowed against the lump in my throat, needing to clear the air. It’s funny to me that when I was with Cameron, I always wanted to be protected. And with Sidney, I wanted to be the protector. I didn’t want to ever cause her discomfort or put pressure on her the way the rest of the world had. The way I had back when we stood on the street after making love in the afternoon.

  “Sidney,” I began.

  She looked over at me, squeezing my hand. The hitch in my voice let her know there was something on my mind.

  “I love you. You know that, right?”

  She nodded and from the corner of my eye I could see the crease in her forehead; the worry hanging there between her eyebrows.

  “You finally told him and that is a huge deal. It’s a really huge deal. I don’t want you to feel like you’re trading in pressure from Aaron for pressure from me. Me and you…we’ll figure it out. But I don’t want you to now switch over to worrying about me or about you and me. I’ll understand if you need time. I’ll understand if you need to spend time on yourself.”

  She nodded and squeezed my hand again before her gaze wandered to the rapidly passing fields of grass and the occasional pack of cows. I didn’t know what that meant. The silence troubled me. It persisted for another thirty minutes and I wasn’t sure of what I should say to break that silence.

  Sidney did that for us. “Dayna?”

  My heart jumped; the racing starting all over again.

  “Yeah, Sid?”

  “You know me, don’t you?”

  Now it was my turn to have a worry hang between my eyebrows. “I think so.”

  She nodded then and took a deep breath. “Baby, I know you know me. And I know you know that I’m not facetious. I know you know that I plan ahead. I think things through.”

  I didn’t know where she going with this speech. The tension that had ridden shotgun from Wilmette had returned.

  “Dayna, I’ve been sitting here thinking about how I could possibly be apart from you. The prudent thing would be for me to take my time. To go through all the proper channels to end things with Aaron and then and only then…I could begin to approach thinking about you. About us.”

  I was quiet. Waiting for her to finish her thoughts. Waiting for the speech to end. Waiting for my breathing to even out and my knuckles to relax against the steering wheel.

  “But I can’t imagine it, Dayna. I can’t imagine a life without you. I can’t imagine a span of time without you. I just can’t do it. Right or wrong, you are what I need.”

  An exhale escaped from my lips and despite traveling at near 80 miles an hour, my eyelids briefly closed as the sensation of stability with Sidney eased itself over me. Stability with Sidney wasn’t something I was used to feeling.

  I kissed the hand that rested in mine and whispered, “I love you.”

  We didn’t talk about the mountains we needed to move in order to share our love with the rest of our world. We didn’t talk about divorces or child custody or church. We didn’t talk about coming out or make plans for our future.

  We didn’t do any of that.

  We couldn’t have done it then. There were too many unknowns. Too many moving parts that neither of us were equipped to understand. What we did know was that the power of the special love between us could not be hidden. It could not be denied. It could not be stored away and held in stasis until situations or circumstance made its existence easier.

  No.

  That special love between us demanded that we embrace it. Demanded that we acknowledge it. Elevated itself before all that we’d ever known and changed us. Changed our lives. Changed the realities we’d come to know.

  We were quiet after Sidney’s words and another silence, a new and comfortable one slipped beside us and stayed with us until we arrived at her red-bricked home. Even then, we moved quietly together, barely losing the contact of our clasped hands.

  We went inside and all signs confirmed that Aaron wasn’t home. I didn’t want to leave her then, but I knew that I must. I wasn’t worried, though. I knew that we would be just fine and that she belonged to me.

  She slid her hands around my waist and I held me to her, leaning her forehead against mine. Her beautiful brown eyes were soft and filled with calm.

  “Thank you for coming to get me.”

  I gave her a knowing smile. There was no way I could not have come to retrieve her.

  “I love you, Sidney,” I whispered.

  Those dark brown pools glistened with moisture and she whispered in return. “I love you, too.”

  “I’m glad you’re safe,” I said.

  I was already on borrowed time and in borrowed space. I didn’t belong inside the red bricked walls and it was time for me to retreat back to my own territory.

  For now, we had to separate.

  Sidney was on her way to her parent’s house to face the music and I was headed to Cameron’s to break the news of my new reality to him.

  I leaned in and kissed her lips. Savoring the feel of their softness. Our lips parted and our tongues danced until I moaned and pulled away from the alluring pull of her.

  And though it was somewhat painful to leave her presence, the departure was bittersweet. For I knew that very shortly, we would share the same space. We would do ordinary things together like cook dinner or do laundry. She was mine and I was hers. And there was no double life any more. We’d have one life. And we’d have it together.

  As I pulled away from the curb, I more than knew that. I felt it deep within and the image of her smile danced in my mind as I drove away.

  Epilogue

  Aaron

  When I look back at that period of my life I can’t help but cringe. I clinch my teeth and my eyes squint and sometimes, I wonder how I ever made it through. I was furious with Sidney. I don’t even know if furious is a strong enough word to describe the rage I felt. The night she told me, I drove all the way back to Chicago with my heart beating in my throat. I landed at Darnell’s house at O-Dark-Thirty and banged until he let me in.

  After I told him what happened, I wanted to strangle his neck. He had known even before I did. I felt like a fool. A laughingstock. Everyone knew Sidney wasn’t happy but me.

  I had sacrificed so much time and so much dignity to hold us together. All the time I was holding us together, she was finding a way to split us apart. That hurt me. Felt like I had a knife in my chest.

  I refused to even look at her for almost a month. I stayed at Darnell’s crib and my dad was the only one who could talk some sense into me and get me to go see her and the kids.

  The first day I wen
t back to the house to see them, she let me in and the kids just ran me over. I played with them until they were passed out and then it was just me and her. As much as I wanted to hate her, I couldn’t. She held back, like she was afraid of me. We sat down at the kitchen table and she tried to explain what had happened between her and her girl, but all I could see was fury.

  Desperation led me to corner her that night. I ended up kissing her. She didn’t want it, I knew that. But I thought maybe the feel of my lips on hers would change things. I thought it would bring her back to me. When she tried to pull away, I wouldn’t let her go. I kissed her and kissed her until she cried harder than I’d ever seen her cry. But it wasn’t a good cry. It was a sad cry.

  I knew I was losing her and that only made me even more desperate. I tried to push up on her. Tried to get inside of her. It was only when Aiden screamed in the midst of a nightmare that I stopped assaulting her and realized what I was doing.

  Things had already changed between us, but they were even worse after that. I knew that she loved me, but she definitely wasn’t in love with me. And after the fiasco at the house, she didn’t even like me. I tried apologizing, but she never wanted to hear it. She told me it was done and buried. I wanted to believe her.

  And even though she would hardly look me in the eye after that, I still wanted to believe her.

  Things moved pretty fast after that. We split up for real with official papers. I got visitation with my kids and ended up getting a smaller place with Darnell.

  It’s been three years and I know I’m not whole yet. I get angry sometimes because I wish she would have just left me the fuck alone. There were a lot of women I tossed aside to find Sidney and if she knew she was gay, I can’t understand why she would marry me and screw with my head.

  I’m trying to get over it. I date now and then but I don’t really trust the women that I see. I can always find the fallacy in them and that’s just sad. Darnell keeps telling me this shit will pass and I’ll feel like my old self again. I don’t quite believe him either but I know that I want to.

  At first it was really hard to see the two of them together. They would never hold hands or be all up on each other around me, but it was still hard to be in the same room.

  The ink was barely dry on our divorce papers when they moved into a new place together. The night before they moved, Dayna showed up at the place I was renting. She was alone and she looked humble and sad. It wasn’t easy to let her in and hear what she had to say. And by the time she left I had shed a few tears with her.

  Dayna apologized to me for the way things went down. She told me that she never wanted me to get hurt and she even told me about Sidney trying to use her sleeping pills to stay committed to me. After we talked, I felt a little better. Like maybe Sidney wasn’t as bad as I thought she was. And the fact that Dayna came to speak to me on her own made me respect her in a way I hadn’t before.

  Dayna told me she would never tell Sid that we talked, but she asked me to try to go easier on her and to try and forgive her. I didn’t make any promises then, but I think I’m finally ready.

  Cameron

  After the atomic bomb of my marriage's collapse hit me on Sunday, I slowly made it through the rest of my week. Monday morning was a little better than Sunday had been. Tuesday was a little better than Monday. And by the following Saturday, Dayna and I told our only child that we would be splitting up for good.

  She cried. And we cried. And like a pair of fumbling teenagers, we explained that Mommy would be seeing a lot more of Auntie Sidney. Nina didn’t quite get it, but that was okay. Time would help her understand Mommy’s new relationship in ways our words couldn’t explain

  And as time answered Nina’s unspoken questions, Dayna answered my verbalized ones. The more questions Dayna answered, the more assured I became that divorce was the right path for us. Her heart didn’t belong to me and I couldn’t buy it back.

  You couldn’t buy love or fake love. It either was or it wasn’t. And I now clearly understood that for me and Dayna, it just wasn’t. I still loved her. Still held her in my heart. But I knew I had to let her go.

  On the night our divorce was finalized, I turned off my phone, drank a six-pack in front of the television, and let the alcohol numb me to sleep. Something in the brew must have been magical because the next day, I felt better. Purged. Clean.

  I moved on. I found a larger apartment, one that would allow Nina to have her own room for her every-other-weekends with Daddy. I changed churches and made sure I stayed grounded. I needed a fresh start. Every time I went back to Zion, there were hushed whispers and sad eyes hanging around the looks I got from my church family. They’d heard the rumors and innuendo. Some people felt I was a victim and some people felt it was my fault.

  But their feelings didn’t mean anything to me. I had grown up. So much so, that when I met a pretty young woman one night when I was out to dinner, I was man enough to approach her with respect and we have been seeing each other on a regular basis for more than a year.

  I’m happier now than I ever was before. Dayna and I somehow found a way to move beyond the history and drama and she became somewhat of a confidant. My new lady and I even have dinner at Sidney and Dayna’s place. When the four of us sit down after dinner and drink red wine and share good conversation we actually have a good time.

  And sometimes, that shit really trips me out.

  But it feels good to be able to be around Dayna without any guilt. I feel absolved. Her happiness makes that a little easier.

  When we announced we were really splitting up, my former mother-in-law called me and expressed her disgust at Dayna’s choices.

  “That child of mine is going straight to hell. Straight to hell,” she’d said.

  And for a nice little while, I wondered the same thing. I thought deep and hard. I read the scriptures over and over and over. Because even though she was no longer mine, I still loved her. I still needed to know that she would be alright. And maybe if she wasn’t going to be alright, maybe she could still belong to me.

  Time went on. And the funny thing about time is that it really is a healer. My spirit became more settled and I realized we would spend the rest of our lives apart.

  At first I thought that God’s redemption would save Dayna. Even thought she was taking her soul into her own hands by getting with Sidney, God’s grace would redeem her. After all, He’d redeemed me.

  But I don’t know. Today I feel different. I just can’t look at how happy and free she is and think that she’s got anything to be forgiven for. We talked about it one day. I had stopped by the house and we had a nice long talk about God and religion and women loving women. And to be honest, I think God loves her just as much now as he ever did before.

  There are those I meet who can’t understand the way I think. But I'm not worried about them. Their words and their hearts don't define me. Their opinions don't guide me. I'm very blessed to have been granted the opportunity to simply grow up and grow wiser. I've learned from my own mistakes and I've got too many sins on my “trying to get to heaven” card to pass judgment on anyone else.

  I loved Dayna.

  I still love Dayna.

  And I’m happy that she has someone that loves her the way she needs to be loved.

  Sidney

  She answered on the first ring.

  "Hey Sweetie," I sing into the phone when she answers me.

  "Hey to you. I'm just calling to let you know that I'm on my way home. Did you need me to pick up anything on the way?" she asks.

  "Nope. Not at all. Just get yourself home. I missed you today."

  I feel her smile and my ears pick up on the sound of her car door closing. "I missed you, too."

  My voice lowers, my need for her slipping into my tone, "Then come home."

  Dayna sighs and whispers, "I love you, Sidney."

  "I love you, Sweetie. Come home, okay? I'll see you soon."

  When we disconnect I smile and race around to make sur
e everything is perfect. I have big plans for us for the evening and the babysitter has already arrived and is out in the backyard playing with our brood of three. Before I run back upstairs to pull out the brand new dress I've bought for Dayna, I stop for a moment to look out the window and watch our kids run around happy as they are chased by their babysitter / monster.

  I shake my head and let the kids be kids, a smile on my face. Damn. The sound of her voice makes me crazy. Three years and it still sends tingles down my spine. When she smiles at me, I feel invincible and my insides get warm and I have an involuntary response to smile in return.

  Life isn’t easy being Dayna’s woman. Some days it’s complicated, some days it’s scary, and every day it still feels right. When we were first transitioning, I went out and bought three self-help books on how to talk about the lifestyle change with your children. Dayna and I both had a special counseling and prayer session with the pastor of our MCC church and talking to my children about “Lesbian Mommy” was a constant topic of conversation between me and my therapist for at least six months.

  We have our own family now. Our own family rituals and traditions and we all have a place in our new household. As they get older, I worry about what the world will teach our children. I worry about the pain they may endure because of who I am and the choices I have made.

  But prayer calms all of those worries. The laughter and the good times that we share calm the anxiety. I feel like every day, I get stronger and am more assured that God has blessed our family and that no weapon formed against any of us will prosper. I want my children to grow up strong and be proud of who they are and always know there is nothing in this world that could ever separate them from God’s love.

  My parents are a blessing. They have never wavered from my side and occasionally, they will swing by our church and we’ll all get together for Sunday dinners, just like we used to when I was married to Aaron. It was rough at first, but I think they see how much I love Dayna and they can see how much she loves me and more importantly, I’m happy.