Just Breathe Again

by C. A. Harms

  “You do realize what is under this carpet, don’t you?” I jumped at the sound of his voice, but he didn’t seem to notice, for which I was thankful.

  “Do you see the water rings and the splotches?” I stepped a little closer as he pointed to the spots, and I was mesmerized by the sheer excitement in his eyes. “This is real hardwood flooring, Faith, not that laminate stuff. We could sand this all down and bring it back to life.” I was so focused on the we part of his sentence, I missed the rest of what he was saying. When he turned his head to look back at me, I was brought out of my haze.

  “Are you sure you want to cover this up with carpet?”

  “It was just easier,” I confessed, and he wrinkled up his brows. “Fine. I’ll admit that I got in over my head with this.”

  “Let me do it.”

  “No.” I held the coffee out to him, and when he took it, his fingertips skimmed mine. I still had no idea what it was about him that made my heart race at an uncontrollable rate and weakened my knees in the process.

  “Why?”

  I could think of at least ten reasons that him being here, taking the time to help me, was a bad idea.

  It wouldn’t help me forget him. I couldn’t seem to control myself when he was near. My heart ached knowing I couldn’t have with him the things I truly wanted. Having him in my home, taking the time to perfect it, would only make lasting memories I couldn’t risk. I didn’t want to think of him when I walked into my house. This was my fresh start. Every single time he looked at me, I was reminded of the regret in his eyes after the first time we had slept together. Then, that same look each time after. Having him here made resisting him impossible.

  “I’ll do the work, Faith. You won’t have to do a thing.”

  I tried to swallow past the thickness that had settled in my throat.

  “I really think you’d love it, the beauty of its originality. When it’s finished, you could put down a shaggy area rug on each side of the bed and maybe a runner near that closet extending out in front of the dresser.”

  I couldn’t respond. Honestly, I tried to form the words, but I wasn’t able to get them to the surface. Instead, I nodded as I looked around, imagining exactly what he had described.

  “It’ll be perfect.” He stood tall, and I ignored the way my body came alive the second he stepped closer and paused at my side. My shoulder brushing against his arm, his hand skimming over my hand as they hung loosely at our sides.

  When he lifted the coffee to his lips and took a sip, he grinned and turned to look at me. “You know what I like.” All hope was lost at that moment. My irritation and the hurt I felt came rushing in full force.

  “Actually, I don’t, because you didn’t give me that chance. Besides, Deanna got the coffee, not me.”

  “Faith.” I stepped back to gain some distance when he faced me.

  “You’re here because my father insisted. I plan to pay you for your time, but while you are here, I think we should keep this professional. Like two people who know nothing about each other. Should be easy enough, considering we truly don’t.”

  I rushed from the room, barely holding on to the tears that threatened to fall. I was a damn fool. I refused to be a blubbering ass over a man who felt as though I was nothing more than a warm body available for release. I was more than that, damn it. I was more.

  ***

  “You still upset with me, darlin’?” My father was finally out of his wheelchair and moving around more freely with the assistance of a cane or walker. Hell, he’d been doing it before the doctor had given him clearance, and after a while, Mom and I had stopped trying to control him. The man was bull-headed like no other, so it was pointless, really.

  He stepped around me and took his seat at the head of the table while I continued to focus on the plate before me. I was a damn mess of emotions, and right now, talking about the things I felt was probably not the best route to take. I had bottled them up for days now. Each morning, I awoke to find the man I had chosen to avoid hammering away at something new around the house. He was always there, every morning, each night, and on the weekends from sun up to sun down. There was no escaping him.

  “I was worried about you doing that house all on your own,” he confessed.

  “So, you hire the one person I am trying to avoid.” The words had left my mouth before I had the chance to stop them.

  “And why’s that?” I knew that tone without even looking up to meet my father’s gaze. I felt my stomach tense.

  “It’s not what you think.” My damn head-to-mouth filter. Just when I needed to be reasonable and careful, I had to spew what was on my mind without actually thinking. “I asked him out. He said it was a bad idea because he works for my father, and now it just seems weird having him around.”

  “The man’s a fool if he turned you down,” my mother interjected, and I meet her gaze. I thought she knew something but had yet to say anything to me. The women in this town were busybodies, and if Rae suspected something, I was more than positive my mother knew too.

  My father said nothing more as we ate dinner, but he bore that displeased look on his face throughout the entire meal. I knew it would most definitely lead to him confronting Aaron at some point. I had managed to make an already uncomfortable situation even worse.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Aaron

  I lifted the bag of tools and tossed them into the bed of my truck just as the headlights from a car flashed over the entire front yard. I stepped back and looked toward the side of the road, fully expecting to see Faith climbing out of her car.

  Only it wasn’t her tiny clown car that had parked out front but another one I had hoped not to see again.

  The familiar flow of long hair whipped in the wind, and I fisted my hands at my sides.

  “What are you doing here?”

  “Well, you won’t return my calls, you won’t agree to meet me, so I figured I’d force you to see that I’m not leaving until we talk.” Lynn squared her shoulders and stepped up before me with a determined look in her eyes.

  “We talked. There’s nothing more to say.”

  “No.” She smiled, and I felt like I’d been time-warped back to a time when she and I could laugh with one another. A time before everything changed and two friends became two young people trying to raise a daughter they both loved. “I talked, Aaron, and I’d like to say you listened, but I think we both know you didn’t hear a single word you should’ve.”

  “Damn it, Lynn. Why now? Why is it so fucking important now?”

  She reached out to take my hand in hers, and I didn’t fight it. “The money. I want you to take it and do something great with it.” Tears pricked my eyes, and I shut them tightly. “I want to do something in her honor, and there isn’t another person out there who can do just that besides you.”

  The driver from that day, the one who had taken the life of my daughter, had been under the influence. He’d stayed up half the night drinking, and God knows what else, and because of that, my sweet little girl had paid the price. I fought to make the man suffer, not because I wanted money, but because I wanted the bastard to feel even a small fraction of the pain he’d caused us. In the end, Lynn and I were awarded enough to set us both up for life, but neither of us touched it. It wouldn’t bring our baby back, so instead, it sat in the same place from day one.

  “I want you to find peace, Aaron.” I shook my head, but she reached up and gripped my face in her hands. “Damn it, listen to me. This version of you is not the man you were meant to be. You are an amazing man, and I’ve only been here a week, but I’ve seen it. You distance yourself from anyone who cares. You pretend you aren’t worthy of love or life. You work every hour of every day, on your place or at the shop, and now, here.”

  Another set of lights flash over us, and Lynn dropped her hands from my face as we both look toward the driveway. I could see the silhouette of Faith sitting in the driver’s seat, staring ahead instead of looking in our direction. I
imagined what was rolling around in her mind.

  The sound of her door opening, then quickly closing, echoed over the yard. The clicking of her shoes against the sidewalk that led up to her door seemed amplified.

  “She cares about you,” Lynn added, yet I continued to watch Faith as she walked away. “Rae went to see her the other day and told me all about how sweet the woman whose heart you stole is. You have to open up to someone, Aaron. Let it be her.”

  Faith didn’t even look back when she entered her house and closed the door behind her. I silently stood in her front yard, wondering what she thought upon entering her bedroom. The soft blue accent wall, the newly polished flooring with the flowing curtains that draped over the iron curtain rods and grazed the floor on each side. I had just finished hanging them only moments before I walked outside and was met by Lynn.

  I wondered if the room now made her smile. I even worried that maybe placing the flower I had picked from her rose bush out back on her nightstand was too much.

  “I know you care about her, too,” Lynn added, and I finally looked away from the now-closed front door and met her stare. “You don’t want to admit it, but you don’t have to. I still know you, Aaron, and I can see it in your eyes, even when you try to hide it.”

  I wanted to argue with Lynn and tell her she no longer knew me, but it was pointless. The truth was, she did, and she always would. She and I would always have a connection, and ignoring it wouldn’t make it go away.

  “I don’t know how to move on.” The confession was nothing more than a whisper, and it burned as it fell from my lips. My throat felt raw, and my chest ached. “It doesn’t feel right.”

  “A part of you will always remain tied to that day and to those that followed. I know this because a part of me is too. I don’t want to forget her, Aaron. That’s not what I’m doing, but by starting anew, this is my way of honoring her. I want to remember. I want to talk freely about her and not have it break me in two each time. I want to laugh at the sweet, funny moments we had with her, and I want to tell stories about her and feel the love we shared as a family during the time we had her. She was our gift, and though she was taken from us too soon, I have to believe she was ours for that time to show us how to love. Now, we need to pass that gift on to others in our lives.”

  I tried to fight the tears. I didn’t want to break down, but with each passing second, the emotions inside of me fought to be released. My shoulders sagged. I hung my head, looking to the ground at my feet as the damn broke. Lynn moved forward just as I did, and together, we wept as if nothing else existed.

  I knew I would never stop missing Ivy. She was my world, and my heart would always be hers. I missed the chance to watch her grow into a beautiful young lady. I’d never get to fight off boys and place the fear of God into the first one who got to actually take her on a date. Being able to walk her down the aisle and make that man who was lucky enough to gain her love promise that he would forever cherish her. It wasn’t fair.

  “You’ll always be Ivy’s daddy.” The tears fell harder as my chest shook, my arms holding Lynn even tighter. “But it’s time for you to live again, Aaron. She would want us to.”

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Faith

  I couldn’t sleep in my room last night. I tried, but I just couldn’t. The initial worries I’d had of having Aaron working on my house had become my reality. Everywhere I looked, I saw him, even when he wasn’t there. I saw him in the perfectly polished new floor that extended throughout each room. Wood flooring that I’d admit was beautiful and looked so much better than any carpet I could have chosen. I saw him in the painted walls and newly hung lighting fixtures throughout the house. The moment I pulled up each night, I imagined him there, working on something or another. The fresh smell of paint, or the overwhelming scent of newly sanded wood, reminded me daily of his presence.

  It was hard being home, especially after last night.

  Pulling in to find him standing in my front yard with the same woman I’d seen him with in the store parking lot was like a kick to the stomach.

  I tried to ignore it, but after going inside, I observed them through the small window next to the door, and when he wrapped his arms around her, I had seen too much. I locked myself in the bathroom and took the longest shower in history. I stayed there so long, the water had run cold, and I remained tucked in the corner, shivering like an idiot as the tears fell over my cheeks.

  Sleeping in the bedroom that he had spent so much time completing was something I knew I couldn’t handle, not last night, at least. Not after what I’d discovered.

  I left this morning before he arrived because facing him was the last thing I wanted to do. My nerves were shot, and the reality and the knowledge that my life would no longer be the same was running on repeat in my mind. There was no way to ignore it, no way to change it.

  I sat in the darkness of my office, staring ahead at absolutely nothing. I was so lost in my thoughts, I hadn’t heard the front door being unlocked or Deanna entering. I hadn’t noticed the main lights throughout the studio being turned on or the soft music that we played daily filling the air. When I saw movement in the doorway of my office out of the corner of my eye, I looked up to find her watching me without saying a word.

  Part of me wanted to curl into a ball and pretend I was still alone, but I knew that what I had coming was something I needed her by my side for.

  I lifted my hand, holding the same item I had been holding for more than three hours. Knowing I was sharing my secret made me feel weakened, and suddenly, the tears were falling fast. “I really messed things up,” I confessed as she slowly moved forward. “Not only did I find the one guy in this shit town who can’t commit, but I’ve also gone and gotten myself knocked up by him too.”

  Her eyes shifted from my hands to my face. Stunned silent was one thing Deanna never was. She always had something to say, always. But at that moment, I thought she too understood that no amount of sarcasm would fix my current situation.

  “When did you find out?”

  I lowered the pregnancy test to my lap and stared down at the two prominent lines. “Last night.” I took in a shuddering breath. “I left my parents’ house after dinner, and as I sat in their driveway, trying to respond to an email I had gotten from Hilary Swanson about her upcoming photo shoot, I noticed the date she wanted to book. I paused mid-sentence as I thought over the recent months, and it hit me that I was late. I think I sat there for over ten minutes doing my best to run over the dates in my mind.”

  “Does anyone else know?”

  I shook my head. “I bought the test on the way home, and as I pulled into my driveway, I found Aaron with some woman in my front yard.” Deanna’s eyes widened. “I went inside, watched them through the window, and when I’d had enough, I locked myself in the bathroom, took the test, and cried for the next hour over the results.”

  “Faith,” Deanna kneeled before me, placing her hands near mine, “he needs to know.”

  I knew that, but the idea of telling him made me feel so sick to my stomach, so I chose, for now, to ignore it.

  “There are just so many things I can’t offer you, and Faith, you deserve those things. Love, family, and a future, and none of those things are in the cards for me.”

  He didn’t want a family.

  “I’ve called my OB, and I’m just waiting for the call back to make my appointment. I figured I would go and confirm first.” I knew I was stalling, but honestly, there was no need to rush. After all, I had months to come up with a way to tell him.

  “Let’s take a personal day.” Before I could say anything, Deanna was standing up and pulling me up with her. “Let’s go get a pedicure and maybe a facial. We can have lunch and grab a couple of movies so we can go back to your place and camp out on the air mattress in our pajamas while eating all the junk food we can consume without puking.” Another round of tears filled my eyes. “We can worry about everything else another time.” I nodded as she le
d me out of my office and back toward the front doors. “But you should know, whatever happens after you tell Aaron, this little person is going to have so much love from his or her aunt, they won’t have a second to think about anything else.”

  My heart ached at the idea of my child not being wanted by anyone, especially their own father. I pushed the overwhelming urge to fall apart aside, and inside, I focused on the good. I thought of my parents; though, I was sure shock would come first. But I knew they would be by my side through it all. I also knew they would be unbelievable grandparents.

  ***

  Deanna was right. A day of pampering was exactly what I needed. I still wasn’t exactly sure what would happen, but what I did know was that I wanted this baby. Laying in my bed, with Deanna snoring at my side, I ran through a thousand ways of exactly how to tell Aaron, and they all ended the same—him telling me that he didn’t want to be a father. And each flash of him sharing those words hurt more and more. I wasn’t exactly sure what time I finally dozed off, only to be woken by the sound of hammering in the distance.

  With wide eyes, I sat up in bed, and my quick movements triggered a surprised squeal from Deanna as she too jerked up in surprise.

  “What is it?” I looked over at Deanna, and I instantly hunched forward in laughter. She resembled a raccoon. Deep dark eyes, makeup from the previous day smeared and faded on her pale skin. The wild array of her normal curls had been teased and ruffled from her inability to lay still during her sleep and were now nothing but a wild, ratted mess. She looked as though she had been ridden hard and put away wet. What on earth had she dreamed of?