Just Breathe Again

by C. A. Harms

  “What’s so funny?”

  “You.” I pointed then waved my hand in a circle as I stared at her face. “You are a mess.”

  “You’re no beauty queen yourself.” Her sass was shining bright. “You have crusted nacho cheese on your cheek and something black stuck between your two front teeth. Let’s not leave out the chocolate milk that is staining your t-shirt or the imprint of the television remote on the left side of your forehead.”

  Immediately, I lifted my hand to feel the space on my head, and sure enough, I felt the indentation.

  “Leaving all our less than stellar looks aside, please, again, I ask, what is going on?”

  “Aaron is here.” The smile instantly left my face and was replaced with sheer panic. “I forgot to message him and tell him I no longer need his help.”

  “You were being serious about that?”

  “Yes.” Having him around was just too much. Before, it was hard, but knowing what I now knew, I was more than sure I wouldn’t be able to look him in the eyes. “I cannot face him, not yet.”

  “You’re going to have to sooner or later. Why not now?”

  “I just need a little time to go over everything in my head. I need to be sure.”

  “Because the first test followed by the other three you took last night weren’t enough to confirm?”

  I loved Deanna. Truly, I did. But at that moment, I wanted to smother her with my pillow. She thought she knew, but she only knew the things I had shared with her, which wasn’t much in regard to Aaron. Hell, there were still too many things about him that I didn’t know or understand myself. How could I explain to my overly opinionated friend that I willing slept with a man who, on more than one occasion, had told me it was a mistake, yet I kept going back for more?

  It made me sound desperate, and the idea of it all made me sick to even think about. I had done this to myself, and now, I just needed time to figure out what my next move was.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Aaron

  I climbed out of my truck and paused, looking both ways to ensure the road was clear before crossing. I’d been nervous all morning about meeting Lynn. Seeing her, talking to her, it all brought back too many memories I wasn’t quite sure how to handle. The memories weren’t all bad, but they always led up to the point of the one horrid day that took everything I had away.

  Stepping up onto the curb, I looked toward the small cafe where we’d decided to meet and saw her sitting at one of the outside tables. Her hair was down and whipping lightly in the gentle breeze. She lifted her hand to offer me a hesitant wave, and I moved forward. Each step felt as though it took every ounce of strength I had.

  “I was worried you weren’t gonna show.” She squared her shoulders and repositioned herself as I took the seat opposite hers.

  “Sorry I’m late.” I had sat on my front porch for more than twenty minutes, trying to force my legs to move. Talking myself out of it was getting easier and easier until Rae had sent me a message that snapped me out of my haze.

  Rae: The regretful past will always be your worst enemy if you allow it to conquer your soul.

  Then I sat staring at my phone for another five minutes, realizing how lucky I was to have people like her in my life. Gran was right. She was always right, and the more time I spent around Faith, I understood it more. Not everyone got a second chance at happiness, yet I had it laid out before me, though I was entirely too stubborn and hazed by guilt to take it.

  Meeting Lynn for lunch was the first step, though an extremely hard one.

  “I was working on the house and lost track of time.”

  “Faith’s house?”

  I looked at her with a surprised expression, and she smiled.

  “Don’t forget, I have been spending time with Rae almost daily, and she never hides what she knows.”

  “Oh, and what does that busybody think she knows?” I already knew she’d been doing a little undercover work. I’d heard about her recent visit to Faith’s studio and the questions she’d been asking Walt.

  “She seems to think you are spending so much time over at Faith’s house working because it’s your way of seeing her every day without having to admit you need to see her daily.” Lynn smiled, and it made me feel uneasy. She was my friend before she was more, and though she was my wife only for a few short years, it still felt odd to have her staring back at me, talking about another woman. “Admitting you have feelings for Faith is too hard, so pretending you are doing her and her father a favor seems easier. Rae just wants the secrets you hold to be told.”

  “Looks like Gran has managed to turn you into a gossip queen who feeds on drama too.”

  “Small towns.” Lynn shrugged her shoulders before trying to hide her smile behind her glass of water as she lifted it to her lips.

  I’d imagined this time with her to be one filled with tension, but it was actually pleasant. The woman sitting before me was the Lynn I had known and loved before things between us became complicated, the best friend I grew up with and could always count on. In the short time I sat before her, I realized how much I’d missed her and these times together.

  “So, tell me about this fiancée of yours?” The question surprised me just as much as it did her. Her hands froze midair as she brought a forkful of food to her mouth. Lynn’s eyes searched mine, weighing out my mood before a sly smile covered her lips, and she lowered the fork to her plate.

  “His name is Richard.” I arched an eyebrow, and she laughed. “No, you may not call him Dick.”

  I chuckled, unable to stop myself, and it felt foreign but absolutely amazing to laugh. “He’s older than me—forty-one, to be exact—and a widower. His wife Loriann died five years ago of breast cancer.” My chest grew tighter. “We met in a group for those who have lost a loved one. It’s grief counseling, actually, and at first, we’d just go for coffee after, maybe a later dinner. I know you don’t want to hear this, but it was easy to talk to someone about our situation who wasn’t directly involved. With you and me, there was so much anger and guilt, it never would have helped us heal. I like to think we would have eventually gotten through it, but it would have been so much worse before it got better. Emotionally, I don’t think we had it in us to heal together. I know I made mistakes, but those mistakes got us to this point, and I’m not sure we would have gotten here had we still been together after we lost Ivy.”

  I swallowed past the emotional rush I felt at the mere mention of our daughter’s name.

  “Richard is nothing like you.”

  “Gee, thanks.” She laughed as I leaned back in my chair and crossed my arms over my chest.

  “Hear me out.” She reached out and placed her hand on the tabletop, trying to rein in her laughter. “He’s so quiet and gentle. Like a big teddy bear. You know you cannot keep your opinions and irritation under wraps. If you feel it, you state it. Well, usually.”

  “Usually?”

  “You seem to be hiding your feelings for a certain brunette, and you’re keeping everyone hanging by a thread.”

  “Back to Dick.” Her eyes widened as she looked over my shoulder, and I glanced back to see our waiter paused behind me, a look of interest on his face. Then it registered how my most recent comment must have sounded.

  “I wanted to make sure the two of you weren’t in need of any refills.”

  I smiled, turning back to face Lynn. Her cheeks reddened, doing nothing to hide the embarrassment she must have felt. “We are good. Thank you.”

  She quickly looked away from the waiter, and a few seconds later, I heard his feet shuffle against the concrete slab as he moved back toward the entrance of the cafe.

  “You do know he is now inside telling every other employee that you are out here talking about your dick?”

  I shrugged and remained slouched back in my chair.

  “Anyway, Richard.” Lynn widened her eyes to emphasize the use of her fiancée’s full name. “He is an attorney, he works for the city, and he volunteers
his time to transport cancer patients to and from their treatments. Those who may not have family close who can do so daily, which I find admirable and endearing. He is a gentleman, he’s kind, and he makes me feel like a princess.”

  Lynn was always one who needed to feel as though she was the only one in the room. I used to tease her about it after we had Ivy, telling her that she no longer captured the attention of everyone because Ivy was then the princess. Of course, she would come back to say she was okay with that because now she was the queen. So much sass always, and that had not changed.

  We carried on, her getting wrapped up in how great Richard was, and if things had been different between us, I may have grown jealous of her love for him. But the thing with us was that our marriage was one of obligation, more so than need and desire, so knowing she’d found true happiness after everything helped in a sense. It was a small weight lifted off my shoulders because I knew she would be taken care of. I knew her heart would be safe, and she was healing.

  Each time the conversation veered off toward Faith, I would redirect to something else. I wasn’t comfortable sharing my feelings because, to be truthful, I hadn’t even accepted them myself. I did know that there was definitely something there, but that was all I had allowed myself to admit.

  Our lunch went on a lot longer than I had intended it to, and before I knew it, the time was well after two.

  We said our goodbyes as I walked her to her car, and we shared a brief, friendly hug before she was safely tucked inside.

  I’d planned on going back to my place to work on the new wood flooring I was currently laying, but I ended up at Faith’s instead.

  Her car was parked in the driveway, but there were no signs of movement from inside.

  Gathering my tools, I walked toward the front porch and carefully started working on the new railings being installed. The original was a brass railing, rusted and weak. I’d talked her into replacing it with a vinyl railing, white, to accentuate the white trim around her windows and the perfect contrast against her now-rustic siding.

  I often found her sitting on her front porch in the mornings, drinking her cup of coffee when I arrived, and I wanted to make the front porch perfect for her. Fuck, I wanted everything about this house to be perfect for her. I’d done enough damage, messed up entirely too much already, and maybe I was spending all my time with her in an attempt to make things right. Or maybe it was so much deeper than that.

  I’d been working for close to an hour when I looked up and the front door made a squeaking sound as it opened.

  Faith stepped outside, wearing a flowing skirt, which hit just above her knees, and a set of low boots that did an amazing job of leaving a perfect view of her legs.

  Her hair was piled on top of her head, big ringlets of curls falling in every direction. She was gorgeous, but then again, she always was.

  We made eye contact, but only briefly, before she quickly looked away and began walking down the steps. As she continued, she watched the ground before her, and before I had time to second guess myself, I stood and moved my body quickly in front of hers to stop her. My hand reached out toward her hip, but she flinched from my touch.

  “Hey?” I slouched, trying to see her face clearly, and she looked to her car as if weighing the chance of escaping. “You okay?”

  “I’m fine.” Her words were rushed.

  She tried to push past me, but instead of allowing her to nudge me out of the way, I took a step back, keeping her close.

  “Why are you ignoring me now?” I felt the tension begin to build in my chest. “We’ve spent weeks together working on this house, and hell, at times, we shared a damned lunch. Now we’re back to square one again.”

  She continued to avoid eye contact, and something inside of me snapped. “What the hell’s going on, Faith?”

  “Why don’t you tell me?” Her chin lifted defiantly as she narrowed her eyes. “You show up here every day, playing all nice and sweet, giving me these weird as hell mixed signals. You’re kind, then BAM, you back away because things get too serious. I can’t take it. I think it’s best that you stop coming over here at all. I can handle this on my own, and if I can’t, then I will figure it out. I don’t need to be reminded daily of that fact that I was a mistake, and you’ve already moved on to your next conquest. Only this time, you seem to have found one who makes you smile and laugh instead of one who leaves you with nothing but regrets.”

  I was shocked by her outburst, the pure hatred in her eyes, and the anger seething from her in waves.

  “I tried to be someone to you, but all I ever got was resistance, your dismissal and regret. I was the dirty mistake you made, more than once, and right now, the last thing I want to do is stand in my front yard and pretend you and I are anything more than two people who are anything more than a few poor choices.” She took in a deep, shuddering breath, and I saw the moisture fill her eyes as she fought against her emotions.

  “I thought you were a good guy, but you’re nothing more than a man who uses women. Let’s just stop pretending we’re friends, Aaron. We aren’t even enemies. We are nothing to each other.”

  “You don’t know anything about me.” Not because she hadn’t tried to get to know me. I was the one pushing her away every chance I got. “I think you’ve got me all wrong.” In fact, I knew she did. I wasn’t the man she believed me to be, but I couldn’t even blame her for forming these opinions.

  “No, I got it all right. I was an idiot for ever thinking a guy like you could offer me anything more than a few good nights.”

  “I told you I wasn’t up for forever. I was honest with you. I just have a lot of—”

  “Honest?” She laughed, but it was not laughter fed by humor. “Okay, fine. You did say that you weren’t meant for forever, but it didn’t stop you from allowing yourself to feel something. You can keep lying to yourself, but I’m done listening. You felt something, God damn it. I saw it in your eyes. But after seeing you today, and all the other times with the other woman, I’m sure she saw it in your eyes too. Hell, did you give her the same line of shit you gave me each time, or is she one of the lucky ones? After all, I never once saw the same kind of smiles you gave her today.”

  Then it hit me. She had seen me with Lynn on more than one occasion, and not once had I ever offered her an explanation as to who she was.

  “She’s—”

  Faith interrupted me. “Different? Special? The one who got away?”

  “No.”

  “What, then?”

  “My ex-wife.”

  Faith was stunned into silence as she stepped back, and my hand dropped from her hip.

  “There are so many things you don’t know about me.”

  “And so many things I never will.” She said this low, but her words were clear.

  She walked away, leaving me staring after her. I battled the urge to chase after her, but I wasn’t quite sure how to share all the things I had to tell her.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Faith

  “Right there.” I stared at the screen as the doctor pointed. She clicked, dragged the mouse, then clicked again, making a small line on the screen. “I would have to say by the dates you’ve provided and the measurements here, you are about six, almost seven weeks along.”

  Feeling the thickness grow heavier in my throat, I tried to swallow, but it did nothing to ease the pressure there.

  “This would put your due date around March 20th.” I could no longer see past the tears that formed in my eyes.

  A baby. I was having a baby. It was so hard to comprehend, but it was there, plain as day on the screen before me.

  “Would you like more than one copy?” Suddenly, I looked down to see the image being printed on a piece of paper scrolling from a device near the monitor, and I saw it was the same one I was staring at on the screen.

  I gripped the paper gown I was wearing tightly as she helped me sit up.

  “Two, please.” My voice was nothing more
than a whisper.

  She nodded, hitting PRINT once more, and I watched as a second copy rolled out after the first. The doctor placed one on top of the other then passed them both to me, offering a kind smile. “I would like you to make another appointment with the front desk to see me again in four weeks, closer to your twelve-week mark. We’ve also supplied you with your prenatal vitamins to take daily. There is a pamphlet of the do’s and don’ts, as well as a few postcards you can fill out and send in, in order to start receiving coupons and offers in the coming months.”

  I was listening to her, but honestly, my sole focus remained on the images I held. It was still all so surreal. I was someone’s mother.

  “If you experience anything alarming, excessive morning sickness, or anything else over the upcoming weeks, please do not hesitate to contact my office with any concerns. The nurses should be able to offer you some helpful hints and advice, but if not, they will set you up to see me sooner, should they feel it is needed.”

  I nodded just before she excused herself to allow me to dress.

  Fifteen minutes later, I was walking across the parking lot toward my car, still looking at the images of my baby. My heart was racing at an intense rate of speed.

  Once inside my car, I placed the two pictures carefully inside the front pocket of my bag and took in a deep, calming breath before starting my car. Instead of going home, or even to the studio, I took a stroll through the back roads of Gillette, and I even stopped along the way to take a few shots of some beautiful landscapes. The sun was bright, the air was fresh, and even though I wasn’t exactly sure what tomorrow would bring, or even the day after that, at that moment, I felt pretty damned amazing.

  I hadn’t meant to stay out as long as I had, but before I knew it, the sun had begun to set.