Just As I Am

by Lynn Jaxon

  I bust out in laughter. “How could I forget that? It smelled so good I could hardly wait for it to cool down to cut a big piece. I put the biggest bite into my mouth and spit it out as soon as it touched my tongue. It tasted like straight up salt. It was the worst thing I have ever put in my mouth to this day.”

  “I was so disappointed. I worked so hard on that damn cake, and I wanted your grandmother to like me. After that, every time she saw me, she’d say, “Hi, Salty” and would die laughing. That went on for the next two years until she died of a heart attack. Hell, she probably blames me for killing her heart with too much salt.

  “Are you feeling up to joining us for dinner? If you’re too tired, I can put you in the recliner in the living room, and we can all eat in there.”

  “Of course. I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” I don’t really feel like eating, but I make a plate because the boys and Marley worked so hard on it. Also, I don’t want Em to know how much this is affecting me in all areas.

  Christmas time is normally such a festive time for our family. We all talk nonstop and eat until we need to be rolled away from the table, but not this year. Each time I start to talk to Em, I have to swallow the lump that is in my throat and fight back the tears that seem to never end. It seems like we are all just going through the motions. No one really eats, and we are all at a loss for words. Em is so tired, I honestly don’t think she even realizes that no one is talking.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Marley

  Em asked me to come into her room after the dinner dishes were put away. She was so weak and tired that she couldn’t even sit with us at the kitchen table. Benson carried her into the living room and gently placed her in the recliner and covered her in the softest blanket I’ve ever felt. We all took our plates into the living room with Em. The mood was somber, as hard as we all tried to be upbeat. When we finished eating, I carried all the dishes to the kitchen and Benson took Em to their bedroom. When Benson returns, he tells me Em is waiting for me. I nod my head and watch as he retreats to his office to drink away his pain, as he’s done every day for the past week. I enter her room quietly, just in case she has fallen asleep. Em’s eyes are closed, but she’s awake. She turns and looks at me with her pleading green eyes. “Marley, promise me you will look out for him. I am all he’s ever known. We have been together since high school, and I’m afraid he’s going to be consumed by grief. Mitch and Henry will be going back to college and living their own lives. I know you have to go back to Arkansas, but just call and check on him for me.” It takes all her strength to squeeze my hand as we say our unspoken goodbyes. Grief as raw as I’ve ever known consumes me. I can’t stop shaking. There is a tingling down my spine like someone is running ice down my back. I want to scream. Instead, silent tears fall down my face.

  “Will you pray with me, Marley?” Em quietly asks.

  I keep her hand in mine as we recite together the Lord's Prayer. I am barely able to get through the entire piece of scripture before my voice begins to crack from the weight of the grief I’m trying to hold in. I give in and let the silent tears flow down my cheeks as I pray to God that he will help this family heal.

  A soft, comforting smile crosses her face, and she closes her eyes. She, too, has tears flowing freely, but there is also a peace that was not there before. She knows the time has come to say her final goodbye. As her breathing grows labored, I know it’s time to call in Benson and the boys. How can this be happening to her? God, it’s unfair. I fight back my tears as I call them all in. One by one they all say their goodbyes. Henry remains stoic, which worries me. He runs his hands through her long auburn hair that is no longer soft and silky. He kisses her forehead and tells her how much he loves her and that he couldn’t have asked for a better mother. Em ever so slowly raises her hand and touches his cheek. One lone tear falling down her face. I hear her whisper, “I love you to the moon and back,” and I watch the light fall from his eyes. He all but runs from the room, with his hand over his mouth and tears in his eyes, desperately trying not to release all his anguish in front of his mother. Mitch is next. He brings her a gerbera daisy and lays it next to her pillow. His face is red and blotchy, and his eyes are swollen from all the tears he has cried. The only words spoken are “I’ll love you forever.” Mitch embraces Em and kisses her on the cheek one last time. With clenched fists and a new wave of tears falling endlessly down his face, he passes his father as he leaves the room. Benson comes in last and turns to me and says, “Please just leave and let me say goodbye.”

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Benson

  “Em, I don’t know how to do this world without you. You have been my rock since I was a rebellious teenager just looking for trouble. Please don’t leave me.” Tears fall as I make a sound even I don’t recognize. I am a shell of a man.

  “Benson,” Em says weakly. “I will always be here with you. Just look into the eyes of our boys and reach into your heart and I’ll be there. My life has been blessed, and I couldn’t have asked for more. I love you so much.” As pain radiates off her face, she continues, “Promise me you won’t forget to live. Don’t let the boys become bitter and afraid of love, because loving is the best thing ever.”

  Em takes her last breath as a tear rolls down her cheek. How am I supposed to go on? I completely fall apart, screaming out my anguish as I hold her limp body in my arms. A part of me died the minute she took her last breath. They say time will heal, but time can fuck off! There’s no healing for me. I drop to my knees shaking my head back and forth in disbelief. “No, no, no! This isn’t happening, Em. You promised me we would do so many things. I promised you the world. I haven’t given you half of our dreams yet. Please don’t leave me.” Our life together comes crashing into my mind. My head is in a whirlwind of chaos trying to process that I will no longer be able to hold her, and breathe in her unique scent. No more coffee dates or calls to just say I love you. Our dreams of watching our grandchildren play in the yard, they’re all gone. My everything is gone. I cry until I seem to have no more tears left to fall.

  Marley comes quietly into the room, touches my back, and informs me that she has called the coroner. I can’t look at her or respond. I don’t want this to be real.

  As I head down the hall to my office, I can’t bring myself to look into the eyes of my boys, not boys, but men. Slamming the door behind me does nothing to ease the pain. I pick up the bottle, who needs a glass and begin to try and ease my pain.

  “What is that damn noise?” I mutter in my drunken stupor. “Who the hell is banging on my door?”

  “Dad, it’s me,” Mitch says from the other side of the door. “People are here to see you.”

  “Tell them to go away. I can’t deal with anyone right now.” Why can’t people see that I am in pain? I have lost the love of my life. I feel like the world has stopped spinning and I am in perpetual motion trying to stop along with it.

  “Dad, it’s the funeral home. They are here to get Mom.”

  It hits me again like a sledgehammer to my heart. Em is gone. She’s never going to call me out on my shit, tell me she loves me, smile her blinding smile.

  More banging on the door. “Dad we need you to make some decisions. We’ve done all we can do. You aren’t the only one in pain here, damn it. Me and Henry are in pain, too, and we need our dad to step the fuck up!” I haven’t heard this much anger and venom in Mitch’s voice ever, but I just can’t bring myself to care.

  I pick up the now empty bottle of Crown and send it flying into the wall. It shatters just like my heart.

  A soft knock comes at the door. “Benson are you okay?” asks Marley.

  “No, I’m not fucking OK. My wife is dead!” Anger burns in my veins at her stupid question. Why is she still here? I don’t need her here trying to fix me. I’m unfixable, just like Em’s fucking tumor.

  Benson, I know you’re hurting. I’m hurting too. She was your wife, I get that, but she was my best friend. I know we live forever apar
t with me in Arkansas and you in Ohio, but I loved her too.”

  Loud sobs erupt from deep in my chest. I know I’m being an ass, but I just can’t bring myself to care.

  “I’m flying back to Arkansas after the service, but I’m only a phone call away. The boys are at the University of Arkansas, so I will continue to be there for them.”

  I softly say “thank you” without the previous venom in my voice, and pick up another bottle to shut off the pain. I wonder just how long it will take to fall back into oblivion.

  The next couple of days go by in a drunken blur. Today is Em’s funeral. By some miracle, I’m able to get myself together and presentable for the boys. Mitch and Henry eye me skeptically as I walk down the hall to meet them at the door. “You boys ready?”

  “I think the better question is are you ready, Dad?” Henry asks.

  I give him a sad smile and say, “Let’s do this.” I straighten Mitch’s tie, just like his mom always had to do, and we head to the car.

  I almost refuse to get into Em’s Audi, but she loved this car so much. I can feel her in here with us. I can almost hear her telling Mitch to slow down and don’t hit the curb. Other than my thoughts, the ride is quiet.

  Marley speaks at the funeral, but I don’t hear a word she says. I’m lost in my memories of the happiest day of my life. The day I married my other half.

  All we cared about was getting married. We ran off to Vegas when we were eighteen years old. A smile comes to my face when I picture her in her cut-off jeans and flowing white spaghetti strap shirt. Her bright pink toes and her white sandals to match the bright pink gerbera daisy she held in her hands. Em giggled all the way down the aisle and jumped into my arms. After we said our vows, Em said, “You kissed me, so now you have to keep me forever.”

  I snap back to reality when the minister hands me a pink gerbera daisy to place on her casket. Mitch and Henry drop theirs on the lid and say their final goodbye. I can’t let the flower go. If I do, it will all be over. I go through the motions hugging and thanking people for coming. The last person I see is Marley looking as lost as I feel, but so much stronger.

  “Take care of yourself, Benson. I’m just a call away if you need to talk.”

  I nod my head and walk away as the boys hug her goodbye and tell her they will see her when they go back to school after the winter break.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Benson

  Here I am, alone in my office. I can’t believe a month has passed since my Em died. I sit here day after day drowning in my sorrow. It’s a good thing I don’t have to worry about being fired from a job.

  Being your own boss has its perks. You only have to answer to yourself, oh and all the other people who rely on you. Thank God for Alan, my best friend, and right-hand man. He was away in Hawaii when Em passed away. I told him I was okay, which was the farthest thing from the truth, and told him to stay and make sure all the contracts were signed for the new EM Fitness we were opening in Honolulu. Now, I sit here a broken man, leaving Alan to pick up the pieces of my business.

  Alan walks into the house with a look of horror on his face. The place is a mess. There are empty Crown bottles and trash all over the place.

  “What the hell, Benson? You said you were doing okay. This is as far from okay as you can get. Em wouldn’t want to see you this way. This is no way to live. You need to pick this shit up and get yourself together.”

  I slur, “Well, then it’s a good thing she’s dead and doesn’t have to see me this way.” I’m physically ill just thinking of the truth to my words. Dead... I’ll never see her again. “Get the fuck out Alan. I don’t need your shit right now. I’m fine. My wife is dead. I deserve some time to grieve.”

  Alan hardens his face and says, “Yes, you deserve some time to grieve, but the way you’re doing it is not healthy for you or for your family. You need help man. I’m here. I’ll always be here for you.”

  I let out a sarcastic laugh. “Yeah, well that’s what Em said, too.” I pick up the bottle and take another gulp.

  I’d say I’m making progress. At least I didn’t throw the bottle at the wall.

  As soon as I hear the door slam shut, I turn on “Don’t Wanna Write This Song” by Brett Young and put it on repeat. This song says it all.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Marley

  I still can’t believe it has been a month since my best friend died. It seems surreal to me. She was so vibrant and full of life. Cancer is such an ugly beast that rips away at not only the person it takes but their loved ones as well. I’m so lucky to have Mitch and Henry in my life. There is so much of Em in each one of them. They have so many of her great qualities. I will admit that it was painful seeing them again last week just because of that, they are Em. I see her in their laugh, smile and good nature. They have so much of their father in them too. Sadly, Benson doesn’t exhibit any of the traits he gave to them right now. He is a man lost, and hell-bent on destroying himself in his grief.

  I’m startled from my thoughts when my office phone rings. “Hello, Professor Jones speaking.”

  “Marley, this is Alan. I don’t know what to do. Benson is spiraling out of control. I just left his house, and it is a mess. He is sloppy drunk and belligerent. He has not been to the gym one time since weeks before Em died. EM Fitness and his family are what drives him and, he seems to care less. I think he has given up.”

  “Hi, Alan. I was hoping it wasn’t as bad as Henry told me it was last week. The boys can hardly get him to pick up the phone when they call. I told them to give him some time, but it sounds like things are not getting any better.”

  Alan sighs on the phone before asking, “Do you mind calling and checking on him? Maybe, just maybe, he will pick up your call. He might think you are calling about the boys and that will scare him enough to pick up and make sure everything is okay.”

  “I don’t know if that will make a difference or that he will even pick up a call from me. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. I’m having dinner with the boys tonight. I will see what they think. Thank you for calling me.”

  “Thanks, Marley. Talk to you later.” Alan sighs and then hangs up the phone.

  After getting that call from Alan, I can’t get Benson off my mind. I can’t imagine losing the love of your life. I met Em in nursing school, and we were instant friends. She was such a hard worker, devoted wife, and mother. Em and Benson had Mitch when they were twenty, but she didn’t let that stop her. She went to school pregnant and had him one week after finals between our first and second year in the nursing program. Then, much to her surprise, she had Henry six months after graduation. I became Aunt Marley to the boys and helped out whenever I could. I worked weekend shifts so I could help her during the week. Benson was so busy starting EM Fitness that I never saw him, but he was a good dad and husband, and she loved him like no other. Benson and the boys were all she talked about. When I got a job offer I couldn’t refuse, in Arkansas no less, I had to move to pursue my dream to teach nursing at the University of Arkansas. The boys would come visit with Em in the summer and fell in love with Northwest Arkansas and the U of A Fayetteville. I invited the boys over for dinner again this week even though we’ve already had our regular monthly dinner last week. I made a promise to Em when the boys decided to go to school here that I would keep an eye out for them and make sure they don’t live up to the party hype of the University. Both boys are pursuing careers in law. Em was so proud of them.

  During dinner, Henry and Mitch once again express their concerns about their dad. He still isn’t returning their calls and barely responds to text messages. I tell them about my call from Alan and a sad expression, the same expression Em had on her face when she talked about her fears of when she’s gone, crosses both of their faces. So here I sit, after dinner with them, staring at the phone and remembering my promise to Em. “Marley, promise me you will look out for him. I’m all he’s ever known. Just call and check on him for me.”

  I take a d
eep breath and pick up the phone.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Benson

  The phone won’t stop ringing, so I finally look at the caller ID. It’s Marley. She had her monthly dinner with the boys, I think. I wonder if something is wrong. I hesitate once more and pick up the phone.

  “Benson.” I hear Marley’s voice over the phone. “Are you there? The boys are worried about you.”

  I sigh and say, “I’m fine. I just don’t know what to say. Their mother is dead, and I’m a drunk mess. I just need time.”

  “The boys are strong. They prepared themselves and are throwing themselves into their schoolwork. They want to live up to the promise they made to Em to make her proud.”

  A long pause settles on the phone. “They want you to be proud, too. They need you to be present in their lives. Even if it’s just answering the phone when they call.”

  “I’m not trying to be rude, well maybe I am. Butt the hell out of my life. I don’t need anyone.” With that, I hang up the phone, pick up the bottle, my best friend, and drink my pain away. Now I drift off to the place where my memories live, and Em is still alive and happy. I can almost feel her touch and taste her soft, sweet lips on mine.

  The phone rings again just like it has every day for the past two months. I’ll answer, she’ll talk, and then we’ll hang up. I don’t know why but I’m finding comfort in our one-sided conversations. They started out with her just saying she needed to know I was still in the land of the living so she could let the boys know I’m okay. This week she started talking about her and Em in nursing school and all the crazy things they saw on their clinicals. Today when I picked up the phone, I said “hello.” She was so shocked she almost didn’t respond.