Just As I Am

by Lynn Jaxon

  Even though she called me, she said my name with a question in her voice. “Benson?”

  “Tell me I can get past this. I feel like I’m sinking in a pit of sorrow and I can’t dig my way out. I’m neglecting my responsibilities, not keeping my promises. I’m on edge all the time. Em was the strong one. Damn cancer and damn death. Why, Marley? Why couldn’t God have taken me? Look at me. I’m a broken man. I can’t even talk to my kids for fear I will hear her in their voice or, worse yet, hear their pain and see their disappointment reflected back at me.”

  “I-I-I don’t know what to say, Benson, except to take one day at a time. You have so much life left to live. Get away from that house. Come to Arkansas to see the boys. March Madness is in the air, and it is all Hog fever up here on the hill. The boys would love it if you came to see them. You can even stay at my place. I have more room than I know what to do with. It will do you good to get away from your ghosts. At the very least, Benson, you need to go get some help. Join a support group. I hate to even say this to you, but you have a drinking problem. You need to join AA and get the right kind of support and encouragement from people who have been there. Join the ‘Death and Dying’ support group. I know you have one nearby because Henry and Mitch told me they started going when they came home right after Emily was diagnosed.”

  I let out a long breath and say, “I’ll think about it. Thank you for listening.” As I hang up the phone, I lift the bottle and take another drink. I can’t go five minutes without this bottle in my hand. I most definitely need to find an AA support group. One day runs into another as I drink away my pain. It’s time for me to do something with my life. Alan is basically doing it all now. My business would be a mess if it weren’t for him. I’m too drunk to be trusted. He’s about ready to walk away, I just know it. How did I let my life get this way? As I’m sitting alone in the living room, the radio is playing and all of a sudden, I feel a cold chill of awareness run through me. Brantley Gilbert’s song “Just as I Am” starts to play. My heart begins to beat faster, my body tenses and heats and the tears that I try so desperately to hold back begin to flow. “Em, what are you trying to tell me?” The phone rings, and I know exactly who is calling – Marley. I pick up the phone, and before she can speak, I say, “I need your help. I’m a mess, and I don’t know what to do.”

  As if a sign from above, Marley says, “Come just as you are. You’re going to be okay.”

  “Em would be so disappointed in me. I feel like all the good, and all that we built together is destroyed. I lived my life to give her everything, and now I have failed her in death.”

  Marley sniffs and says, “Benson you are just a man, a good and loving man who is a little bent right now, but not broken. You’re not superhuman, without emotions. Em knew you would suffer and that was her greatest fear. What you need to do is try to pull yourself up and be the man you want to be, the man Em knows you are.”

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Marley

  I really think I had a breakthrough with Benson last week. When I called him yesterday there was hope in his voice. He had only had a couple of drinks and even managed to pick up the house and go check in on EM Fitness. He said Alan about fell off the weight bench he was sitting on. This makes me smile.

  I pick up the phone to call Benson, and I hope beyond hope that today mirrors yesterday.

  The phone only rings twice before I hear Benson’s deep voice, a clear deep voice with no sign of inebriation, answer with a “Hello, Marley.”

  “Well hello there, Benson. You sound quite chipper this afternoon.” Finally, after two months of almost daily phone calls, he no longer sounds like a man on the edge. He sounds human again. Almost, but not quite, like the man I met all those years ago when he picked Em up from a study session at the library.

  “Chipper,” he laughs. “Who says that?”

  “Well, apparently I do, Mr. Smarty Pants. But seriously, how are things today?”

  “Things are good. I attended the Death and Dying support group for spouses this morning, and I just walked in the door, not ten minutes ago, from my first AA meeting. Let me tell you, getting up in front of people you don’t know and admitting that you have a problem is not easy. I thought I would puke right there on the ugly green and brown carpet in the Holiday Inn conference room where the meetings are held.”

  “That is wonderful, Benson. Well, not wonderful that it made you feel like puking, but wonderful that you attended the meetings. Mitch and Henry are going to be so proud of their father.”

  “Please don’t say anything to them yet.” There is a slight change in Benson’s more upbeat tone when he says this. “Just in case I fail. I don’t want to give them hope, only to have it dashed away because I’m too weak to put down the bottle.”

  “I don’t want to hear that from you. You’re not weak. It takes a very strong person to admit they have a problem and then to go and ask for help. You have never been weak, just lost.”

  “Thank you, Marley. And I don’t just mean for saying that, but for pestering me every day for the last few months to pull me out of my head. Depression, loss, and grief are a horrible combination. To be honest, I’m really anxious about what is to come with the withdrawals. I’m already feeling a little shaky. I’m having tremors in my hands and increased perspiration from not having a drink today.” I audibly let out a sigh of relief, and Benson continues, “Yes, you heard me right, I haven’t had a drink.”

  “Benson, I’m speaking both as a nurse and as a friend right now. It is very hard on your body going through withdrawals. I hope and pray that since you haven’t been a long-time abuser of alcohol that it will not be as bad for you. You need to watch for all the signs of withdrawals. You’re already experiencing the tremors and sweating, but there are worse symptoms— heart palpitations, shortness of breath, nausea and vomiting, hallucinations and paranoia, anxiety, headaches, increased depression, and even seizures are possible. Do I think you will experience these? No, but I just want you to be aware. Go see your doctor and tell him what has been going on with you.”

  “Well, shit, Marley. If that doesn’t make me want to pick up the bottle again, I don’t know what does.” He laughs. “No, in all seriousness, I beat you to it. After our call yesterday, I called my doctor, and he prescribed me an antidepressant and will be watching me closely for the next few weeks. I go back to see him next week for a follow-up appointment and then I will go back in a month after that.”

  “That makes me feel better. So, are you planning on telling the boys after this first month or so?”

  “Yes, I just want to get through the worst part and then I just might take you up on the offer to come to the land of the Razorbacks and visit you and the boys. You know I had planned on opening a gym there, so I just may go scouting for locations, too. I will surprise them with my one-month sobriety coin and coming for a visit.”

  I can, for the first time in months, hear hope in his voice and a semblance of the Benson I used to know. I know Em is smiling down on him right now.

  “That sounds great. I will not say a word to the boys, except to tell them that I have talked to you and you sound better. They mentioned the other day, when I met them for a quick lunch on campus, that when they talked to you, you seemed different.”

  “I’m trying, Marley, boy am I trying. Thank you for calling me daily. But you know you don’t have to call me every day. I can let my AA sponsor be my babysitter,” he laughs.

  “I don’t mind at all. These calls are not so bad now that I’m not just talking to myself.”

  We both simultaneously say “goodbye,” and I hang up the phone.

  That felt good, really good. I feel like just maybe I haven't failed Em with my promise to make sure that Benson is okay. I want him to be okay. I’m looking forward to seeing all the things Em loved about Benson spark back to life. Maybe one day he will find someone and be able to love again.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Benson

 
; Well, I’m officially two weeks sober. It has been so much harder than I thought it would be, but I’m up for the challenge. Having Marley to encourage me has really helped, too. Each time she tells me she is proud, it’s like Em is telling me as well. I can see now why Em loved her so much. She really is a sincere and genuine person with a large heart. Mitch and Henry love her like a second mom.

  I’ve been talking to the boys at least twice a week for the past couple of weeks. I told them, after my follow up appointment with my doctor, about going to the Death and Dying support group and AA. I know I said to Marley that I was going to wait until I earned my one-month sober coin, but I just couldn’t. They were so happy. I could even hear some quivering of emotion in Mitch’s voice when he said he loved me just before we hung up the phone. Henry doesn’t fight his feelings, and I could tell he was crying with the first words he spoke after I told him.

  The medication is helping tremendously. I only wish I would have gone to the doctor for help when Em was first diagnosed. Maybe I would never have turned to the alcohol in the first place. I’ve been very lucky to have only mild withdrawal symptoms. Difficulty sleeping is the main thing I struggle with now. Melatonin helps most nights, but I hate the vivid dreams that it often causes.

  I think I’m going to surprise Marley and call her before she calls me. I just hope it doesn’t cause her a panic attack thinking something is wrong. I’m going to call her office phone, which hopefully doesn’t have caller ID. That way she will answer unknowing.

  “Professor Jones speaking. How may I help you?”

  I chuckle in the phone say, “How formal. Do you answer all your calls this way?”

  “Only when I’m at work. Benson, is everything okay? You never call me. Is it the boys, you?”

  “Calm down, Marley. Nothing is wrong. I have just gotten used to hearing your voice each day, so I thought I would do the calling today. Are you busy?”

  “Actually, no. I just got in from teaching my last class of the day. I was going to spend the rest of the afternoon grading papers. Talking to you is so much better. I loathe this part of my job.”

  “I would think that grading papers would make you feel powerful. Just think, you hold the future of that student in your hands.”

  “No, their work, and how well they do, determines their future. I’m just here to teach them and hope they use every bit of knowledge I impart to them to learn all they can. But you’d be surprised how many students want you to just give it to them. They don’t want to do the work to earn the grade. Can you imagine how scary it would be if we weren’t hard on our nursing students and just let things slide? There is no room for error here. You wouldn’t recognize me in teaching mode, I can be quite the hard ass.”

  I should not like or even be having the visual that her words just brought to my mind. What the fuck is wrong with me? Em has been dead for less than six months, and her best friend’s hard ass goes through my mind. FUCK!

  “Benson, where’d you go? Did all my teacher talk put you to sleep?”

  “Shit, Marley. I’m sorry. I just got lost in my head for a minute. I know I’ve taken up enough of your time. I’ll let you get back to the grind. I actually need to go to the gym. Alan has been completely overwhelmed due to my being so disengaged with the world around me the last four months, so I’m kissing up. I told him I would help train the two new employees he hired. I just hope they are men. I don’t want to deal with the flirting that always comes when I train women. I guess I should say, girls, since they are usually barely out of their teens. I’m going to have to give Alan shit about hiring jailbait.” This makes Marley laugh, and me too. It feels so good to laugh again.

  “Bye, Marley. Give the boys a hug from their old dad. It was good talking to you.”

  “Bye, Benson. Call me any time.”

  We hang up, and I feel lighter. The heaviness on my heart is starting to lift. Marley has become a good friend to me. I wish I would have taken the time to get to know her better when Em was alive.

  I hop in the truck and head to EM Fitness for the next few hours. I may even spend a couple of hours working out. I’m out of shape after being a couch potato for the last four months.

  I arrive at EM Fitness just after three in the afternoon. I see so many unfamiliar faces in here. The new year brought with it new members, and that is fine with me. Having so many additional members is making it necessary to hire new employees, which is what brings me here. I missed so much after Em died and I made a promise to Marley that I would start living again. Being involved in my business is the first step in getting back to being me.

  Barbie greets me when I come in the door. “Hi, Mr. Davis. How are you today? Do you need me to go get Alan?” She is less flirty and more professional today. Alan must have had a talk with her.

  “Thank you, Barbie. You can call me Benson. I’m going back to my office. There is no need for you to get him. I’ll just stop by his, on the way to mine.”

  “Okay, Benson. Let me know if you need anything from me.” She then turns to greet the next member that walks into the door with a “Welcome to EM Fitness” and a smile. I smile to myself and think, Way to go Alan. She may be a keeper after all.

  Alan is typing away on his computer and doesn’t even hear me come into his office. I slap my hand down on his desk. I can’t help but laugh my ass off at his response.

  “You dick! You scared the crap out of me. Can’t you see I’m balls deep in paperwork?”

  “It’s good to know I’m not paying you for playing computer games. I told you I was coming around three o’clock to help you with the orientation of the two new afternoon trainers. What time are they due here?”

  “They should be here at three thirty. Both Mike and David have been personal trainers for over five years. They should be good to go with just a little bit of training on how we do things here.”

  “Sounds good. I’ll be in my office. After you do the new hire paperwork with them, send them to me, and I will go over job expectations and then give them a tour.”

  “Will do. Now get out of my office. Some of us have work to do.”

  I know Alan is joking, but there is a hint of lingering bitterness for all I dumped on him in my absence. I go into my office, and the first thing I see is the large family picture taken five years ago, the summer right before Mitch left for college.

  We were at Treasure Island, Florida for our annual summer vacation. We had a beautiful cottage rented for a week right on the beach and hired a professional photographer to take beach pictures. Em wore a gorgeous, strapless, floaty, white dress. The kind that was short in the front and flowed long in the back. In the portrait, you could see it blowing in the wind making her legs look long and sexy. The boys and I wore khaki shorts and long sleeve white polo shirts with the sleeves rolled up to the elbow.

  I feel my cheeks heat, tightness in my chest, and my breathing starts to come faster. I think I may be having an anxiety attack. I could really use a drink right now. Without even thinking, I pick up my phone and call Marley.

  “Marley, I really need a drink. I’m having an anxiety attack.”

  “Calm down Ben and tell me what happened.”

  “I was doing fine until I walked in my office at work and the first thing I saw was the large family portrait we had taken at Treasure Island. Em was so beautiful and so happy. My heart and body are longing just to touch her one more time. How am I ever going to get past this? Every time I see her picture, it’s like a fresh wound all over again.”

  “I can’t imagine how hard it is for you. It’s hard for me, too. Especially when memories hit out of the blue. But each time it seems to hurt less and less. I think it’s because I know Em wouldn’t want me to keep hurting. I know she doesn’t want that for you. Tell me what I can do to help.”

  “Just answering the phone helps. You’re a calm to my inferno of madness. I just may keep you,” I laugh.

  “Believe me. You’d give me back. I don’t seem to have what it tak
es in the keep forever department.”

  I detect a note of sadness in her voice. “Why do you say that? You’re a beautiful, successful woman who is kind, and giving.”

  “It’s a long story I’m sure you don’t have time for. Let’s save it for another day.”

  “I’m going to hold you to that. You shouldn’t hold in what’s hurting you. I am a true testament about what that does. Thanks again for listening. You’ve talked me off my cliff.”

  “I didn’t do anything, but I’m always here for you. Talk to you later, Ben.”

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Marley

  Ben? What the hell am I doing calling Benson, Ben? I have never called him that, yet somehow it just felt natural. Right. Like that’s how it should be. He didn’t correct me, so I’m just going to go with it.

  And why the hell do I feel so giddy about him saying “I just may keep you” and that I’m a beautiful woman. He was probably just trying to make me feel better about myself. I’ve heard stories from Em about just how alluring he could make her feel. No man has ever made me feel that way. Well, except for one, and he’s the reason I haven’t been able to believe a word out of any man’s mouth since I was sixteen years old.

  Just because I don’t believe a word most men say doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy dating every now and then. I’m a woman, and I have needs and wants just like everyone else. That is why I’m giving in and going out on a date with Steven, one of the biology professors. He’s a very attractive man. He’s sweet and goes out of his way to see me most days, but in the back of my mind I can’t help but wonder why, at age forty-five, he has never been married. Sure, I’ll be forty in a few years, and I’ve never been married, but I have my reasons, and it’s not because I didn’t want to be. Losing Em wasn’t my first rodeo with pain and death.