Just As I Am

by Lynn Jaxon

  We lay in each other’s arms for what seems like hours on the couch. Ben and I both drift off to sleep, content and sated. It’s not until the phone rings, and we are startled awake that we realize we fell asleep practically naked on the couch. It’s a good thing Mitch or Henry didn’t stop by. They have a key, and I can only imagine what they would say if they walked in on us this way. I make a note to engage the chain on the door if we ever get frisky like this again in the living room.

  It’s Kirk, the realtor, on the phone. It must be good news because Ben is grinning from ear to ear and it’s not just from the incredible orgasm he had a few hours ago. As soon as he hangs up the phone, he pulls me in for a big sloppy kiss and then excitedly says, “They came back with a counter offer of six hundred sixty thousand dollars, and I told him to accept. They said they can have it ready in four weeks, in time to close mid-July. I need to spend the rest of this week picking out fixtures, paint colors, and finishes. That will be easy since all my gyms have the same general color theme and design on the inside.”

  “I’m so happy for you. I sure wish you didn’t have to go back to Ohio on Monday. Can’t you just stay?” If I’m being honest with myself, I must admit that I’m a little afraid he’s going to go back home and not be able to leave all the memories that are held there. Could this week have been a cruel joke from fate?

  “Babe, I wish I could, but I have a lot to take care of both professionally and personally. I need to talk to Alan and set up a game plan. We need to hire another person to help him manage the gym in Cincinnati, so he is able to travel and check in on the other locations. Hawaii is his baby, and he will be spending quite a bit of time there, too. The other locations have good management and seem to be running smoothly unless he is keeping something from me. I also need to put my house on the market, sell Em’s Audi and donate her clothing and the furniture to the local women's shelters. It will help me with my final closure, so I can move on with you one hundred percent.”

  I try not to cry, but I can’t stop the tear from falling down my face. I’m not crying for me, but I’m crying for Ben for what he will go through over the next few weeks. I know he needs this closure. “Will you be able to do it all by yourself?”

  “I’m going to ask the boys if they can come and help me pack up Em’s stuff and get the house ready to sell. If they can’t, I will do what I can and hire someone to do the rest. I shouldn’t have any problem selling our house. Most houses in our neighborhood sell within weeks of going on the market.”

  “You know I would be happy to come and help you if you want me to.”

  “Babe, please don’t take this the wrong way, but this is something my therapist said that I need to do. I need to lay my wife to rest completely in order to move on with you one hundred percent. I don’t want anything standing between us. I’m afraid if I don’t do it this way, I will feel haunted by a ghost of regret. I don’t intend to let you down on the promise I made to you to get the help I need to be yours completely. This is part of that.” Neither one of us has said it, but I feel it, and I see it in his eyes. He loves me, and I love him too, so much.

  It’s Friday night, and we are getting together with the boys and Kristi for the carb loading prerace supper the sponsors are providing. I love me some pasta, so I am giddy at the thought of all things Italian.

  This week has been a whirlwind. Benson and I grow closer each minute we are together. We managed to pick out everything for the gym from paint colors to equipment. You name it, we did it. I never realized just how much went into owning a gym. I also didn’t know just how loaded Benson is. His gyms are making bank. I was freaking out at the thought of him paying six hundred sixty thousand dollars for the building, but he didn’t bat an eye. That’s the thing about Em and Benson, they never boasted or acted like they had money. They were the same people that they were when I met them. Sure, they have a lovely home and drive nice cars, but I never would have guessed them to have a net worth of seven figures. They raised two down to earth boys who never come across as entitled to anything. They worked hard to get scholarships to school even though they could have slacked and had college paid for by their parents.

  The doorbell rings, breaking me out of my thoughts. “Hey, sweet boy.” I pull Mitch into a hug as he walks inside. “Are you ready to see if you can out eat me tonight? You know how much I love pizza and pasta.”

  He laughs, “I’m not even going to try and out eat you. I know when to admit defeat.”

  Just when I’m about to shut the door, I see the headlights of Henry’s truck pulling into the drive. As he is walking up the driveway, I tease, “It’s about time you got here. I’m about to starve to death. We need to get there early, so they don’t eat all the food before we get there.”

  “Hold your butt, Marley. You said be here at six forty-five p.m. I do believe it is six forty-three, so I have two minutes to spare. Besides, where’s Dad? He’s not sitting in the truck waiting, so there!” He gives a dramatic shake of his head.

  I smile over at Kristi and pull her into a hug. “How are you, sweetheart? Is this big oaf treating you right?”

  Kristi beams, “He is the absolute best.”

  Benson steps outside. “Are you talking about me?” he teases.

  “I’m sure you’re the best too, Mr. Davis, but I was talking about Henry.”

  I shake my head at him seeing the exasperation on his face when he says. “Call me Benson. Mr. Davis makes me feel like an old man.”

  Before the words are even out of his mouth, Mitch pipes in and says, “You are an old man” and dies laughing.

  “Hardy, har, har. You’re so not funny. At least I can grow hair on my face,” Benson makes a jab at Mitch’s baby butt smooth face.

  “The ladies like it smooth, just like my moves.”

  “I think I just threw up a little in my mouth,” says Henry.

  Kristi playfully slaps Henry on the shoulder. “Be nice!” she scolds.

  “You just wait until later, and I can show you just how nice I can be,” Henry smirks. Just like his father.

  I stick my fingers in my ears. “La, La, La. I’m not listening to you.”

  Kristi is as red as a tomato and slaps him hard this time.

  Both Benson and Mitch are laughing like goons.

  “I think it is time to go eat before someone gets hurt.” I clear my throat, and at the same time both me and Kristi say, “HENRY!”

  Chapter Forty-Eight

  Benson

  We had an absolute blast at dinner last night. I was able to talk to them about coming to Cincinnati next week to help me pack away and donate Em’s stuff. It works out well because Summer One Intercession ended yesterday. They have a week before Summer Two classes start. While they are there, I’m going to get them to help me with my surprise to fly Marley to Chicago to see Brett Young in concert in two weeks. I was able to get us front row tickets from a friend who works at one of the big country stations in Chicago.

  It is too damn early to be awake, that is for sure, but I’m feeling pumped about the race. My hot as fuck girlfriend will be running right next to me, and my boys will be eating my dust. It doesn’t get much better than that.

  The sun isn’t even out yet. The chickens aren’t even awake. Who has a race start at 7:00 am anyway?

  All of that is forgotten when I walk into the kitchen and see Marley dancing around and singing “Close Enough” by Brett Young. She loves that man’s music, and I do too, now more than ever as I watch her shake her ass and sing into the bottle of coffee creamer like it is a microphone.

  I scare the shit out of her when I reach out and grab her, spinning her into my arms. “Are you close enough now?” I ask and kiss the breath out of her. I can feel her heart racing in her chest from both the kiss and me scaring the crap out of her.

  “I can never get too close to you, but if you ever scare me like that again, I’m going to kick your tight ass all over my kitchen.”

  “Oh babe, please keep talking
dirty to me,” I laugh.

  I am still smiling when we arrive at the start of the race. Surprisingly, the boys and Kristi are already there and pinning their numbers on.

  I go and get our numbers while Marley starts stretching and warming up her beautiful toned muscles. I come up behind her and run my hand up her leg while she is leaning over. “Here, let me pin this on you.”

  “Thank you,” she says breathlessly.

  I take extra time pinning the front bib on her shirt. I just might have “accidentally” pinched her boob in the process.

  Marley playfully swats my hand. “You dirty boy. Are you trying to cop a feel?”

  “Me? No, never. I’d never do that. Never ever.”

  “Well, you can ‘no, never’ do that to me anytime you want. Just not while I’m running. I’ll kick your ass if you mess up my stride. I’m in it to win it, baby.”

  “Don’t think I didn’t see that dad,” says Mitch.

  Marley’s face turns bright red, and she leans over to tie her shoe to keep from making eye contact with Mitch.

  I think the embarrassment from earlier kicks Marley into high gear. She kills it with the fastest time overall in the women’s division and of course, her age group too. I didn’t win fastest overall time for men, but I did win first place in my category. Mitch and Henry placed twelfth and eighteenth in their group, which had the greatest number of runners. Sweet Kristi placed third in hers. This family kicked ass.

  Marley’s face could light up the world when she is announced as overall winner and given the medal and trophy. I’m so proud of her. She runs and jumps into my arms, almost knocking me out with the bottom of the trophy. “Ow, shit that hurt. You better kiss it and make it better.”

  “Oh, babe, shit I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hit you with it. You’re bleeding. Let me get you some ice.”

  “I’m no pussy. All I need is some TLC from you.”

  Twenty minutes later, my name is called, and I go and get my medal.

  “Great job everyone. Lunch is on me. Let’s go get some grilled cheese from Hammontree’s.”

  “Count me in,” the boys say in unison.

  “Sounds great to me,” Kristi agrees.

  “You know I’m in,” says Marley.

  After lunch, we hug everyone goodbye, and I tell the boys I will see them on Tuesday. I let them know they will have first class tickets waiting in their email.

  When we get to Marley’s house, she looks sad now that the excitement of the race is over. I know she is thinking about me driving back to Ohio tomorrow. “Come here, babe.” I pull her into my arms. “I know you’re sad about me leaving tomorrow, but I will be back before you know it. Can you do me a favor and start looking for a place for me to live? I totally let it slip my mind with all the excitement of getting the building for the gym.”

  “No, I will not look for a place for you. You already have one. Here, with me.”

  “Are you sure? I don’t want to come in and disrupt your life completely. I can get a place, and we can take turns staying at each other’s.”

  “Are you serious right now? One, you have not disrupted my life. You’re the BEST thing that has happened in my life for a very long time. Two, it is absolutely ridiculous that you would get a place of your own when I have this big lonely house just waiting for you.”

  “Are you asking me to move in with you, Mar? Don’t be teasing me about something like this.”

  “I want you to move in with me so much I can’t stand it,” she says as she looks me square in the eyes with so much certainty.

  “Okay then. It’s settled. I will move in with you when I get my life settled in Ohio. No take backs.”

  The look of sadness that was on her face is now a look of sheer happiness. I know my eyes are mirroring the same look back at her.

  When I get back from laying all my ghosts to rest, I’m going to tell her and show her just how much I love her.

  Chapter Forty-Nine

  Marley

  Ben holds me tight all night long knowing how sad I am. He kisses me gently, caressing my hair and face, but knows that anything more would just be too hard for me right now. I don’t want to let him go. When he comes back, I’m going to give myself to him completely. I just hope he is ready for me because there will be no holding back.

  I lay here awake most of the night, just watching Ben sleep. He is such a beautiful man, both inside and out. I wish my parents lived closer. I want them to get to know this man that I have fallen completely head over heels in love with. But with my parents living in Chicago now, I don’t see them nearly as much as I used to. I need to go and visit them soon.

  I fall asleep sometime after two in the morning, and I sleep until almost noon. Shit. My bed is empty. Surely Ben didn’t leave without telling me goodbye. He would never do that. I get up, brush my teeth and throw on some shorts. I am only sleeping in panties and one of Ben’s shirts.

  On the kitchen table, there is a glass of pulp-free orange juice, just how I like it, and a cinnamon raisin bagel from my favorite bakery down the street. There is a note next to it on the table that puts a smile on my face.

  Good morning Angel,

  Before you go and get stressed out, I have not left you without saying goodbye. The builder called me this morning and wanted me to take a look at the building before I go back to Ohio.

  When I’m finished, I‘m going to wash your car and have it looking as hot as you are.

  See you soon.

  Ben

  And this is why I swoon nonstop. There is no ending to the good in this man. I am the luckiest woman on the planet. I try not to let the guilt, that eats at me sometimes, creep in when I think about why I’m the lucky one to have Ben. He wasn’t really supposed to be mine.

  The door opens and in walks, Ben wet from head to toe, his shorts clinging to every inch of him. Every muscular, hard inch. All thoughts from a moment ago evaporate when he wraps his wet arms around me.

  I kiss him like I’m a starved woman, then point down the hallway. “You, shower, now. You’re getting my floor all wet.”

  He laughs and shoots me his famous smirk. “I can think of something else I’d like to get wet.” Then he licks his lips. I know what that tongue can do, and I have to squeeze my legs together to get some relief.

  “You’re incorrigible. Get out of here.” I throw the kitchen towel that was sitting on the table at him.

  Chapter Fifty

  Benson

  The building is already coming together nicely. They have the walls torn down between the spaces and plumbing is being routed for the showers. The builder informed me that we should be able to start moving equipment into the building in three weeks. This is going way faster than I expected and I am not complaining. The sooner it is done the better. It is time to make my life here. I have a feeling that this gym is going to be a big success. I’ll have to talk to Marley and see if she can put fliers out at the university for me. I will run a special to help bring in members.

  I hated leaving Marley, but she was sleeping so soundly that I didn’t want to wake her up. I have a feeling she was up late. So, I decided to go to her favorite bakery and pick her up some bagels. I hope she won’t mind that I borrowed her car to look at the building so I could take it to the car wash when I was finished. It was covered in bugs from our drive the other day.

  If the look in Marley’s big blue eyes and the smile on her face and the passionate kiss are any indication, she is anything but mad. She just likes throwing things at me. I catch the kitchen towel midair, wipe my chest with it, and then throw it back to her.

  I wish she was jumping in the shower with me, but I want to do this right. She needs to have me entirely before I take her completely, because once she is mine, I’m never letting go. Loving Em was the best thing I could have ever asked for, but it taught me that you have to love fiercely and unconditionally because you never know what day is going to be your last. Marley is my second chance at love. I’m one hell
of a lucky man to get to experience it twice in a lifetime when many never get to experience even a fraction of what I have.

  I take the fastest shower in history because it’s already twelve thirty in the afternoon and I have a long drive ahead of me. A long and lonely journey. I dry off and get dressed in some faded Rock Revival jeans and a black t-shirt that fits me like a glove. I want to give Marley something to think about when I am gone. I saw how she appreciated how I looked the last time I wore these jeans and a tight t-shirt.

  With bag in hand, I make my way back to the kitchen where Marley is sitting at the table picking at a bagel. “Did I get the wrong kind? You normally devour these things,” I try and make light of the weight of my leaving.

  She looks down at my suitcase with resignation and the starting of tears in her eyes. “I wish you didn’t have to leave me. I will be so lonely without you here.”

  “Babe, I’m not leaving you, I’m just taking a short trip so I can come back to you all yours. No regrets. I will be back before you know it. You will hardly have time to even realize that I’m gone.”

  With that, I wipe the tear that is falling down her cheek and trail my finger down the side of her face. Putting my hand under her chin, I gently lift it and bring her head up so her eyes meet mine. “Look at me, beautiful. I’m just a phone call away. We did this for months. You were the one to do all the talking, remember? I promise to make the wait so worth it.” I kiss her deeply and feel her melt into me. I run my hand down her arm until I reach her hand, and bring it to my mouth, touching my lips to her palm. “See you soon.”

  She softly and sadly says, “Bye, Ben.”

  I turn and walk out the door to face my ghosts at home.

  This drive just goes on and on. I have been driving through a lot of summer storms. I have had to fight to keep the truck on the road several times, but I only stop twice. Once for gas and the other to fill up with gas and eat a burger. I called Marley to check on her about an hour after I left. She was running because she said it brings out those feel-good endorphins or some shit. I was happy to hear she wasn’t sitting alone in her house.