Just As I Am

by Lynn Jaxon

  It is just before eleven at night when I turn into my familiar neighborhood. There is mine and Em’s house sitting there with no life, only memories. With the app on my phone, I have been able to control the lights to make it still appear like someone is home. I’m grateful I don’t have to walk into a quiet house. I even have the iPod playing in the living room. When I walk in the house, I’m flooded with memories both good and bad. I can still smell Em’s soft and seductive smell of lavender and vanilla. It is everywhere. I feel a vice gripping my chest. Fuck! This is so much harder than I thought. I can’t fight the tears as they steadily fall. Ironically the song “Holes in the Floor of Heaven” by Steve Wariner is playing on the iPod.

  The first thing I do is go to the bar in my office and open the cabinets looking for all the bourbon so I can pour it out. I do not need any temptation in the house this week. Thankfully there is only one bottle, and it is almost empty. In one tip of the bottle, it’s down the drain.

  I call Marley to let her know I made it and to hear her voice. Her voice is the balm that will soothe me.

  She answers on the first ring with a sound of relief in her voice. “Ben, did you make it home safe? I have been going crazy with worry waiting for your call. I saw on the news where there are horrible storms in your area.”

  “I’m sorry, babe. Yes, it has been quite the drive, but I am fine. It did take me a little longer to get here, so that’s why I’m just now calling you. I didn’t mean to worry you.”

  “It’s okay, Ben. I tend to be a worrier, especially when I have no control over something, which is stupid because I have no control of the outcome. I’m just happy to be talking to you now. I will now be able to fall asleep without worry.”

  “It will take a lot more than a few thunderstorms to keep me from doing what I’ve come to do and getting back to you.” I take a deep breath before I tell her how hard coming back here is on me. “Mar, babe, can I be completely honest with you?”

  “Of course you can. I always want and expect total honesty and I will give it to you in return,” she says with a concerned tone in her voice.

  “Coming back here was way harder than I thought. When I opened the door and walked in the house, the smell of Em’s lavender and vanilla hit me like a ton of bricks, almost knocking me to my knees. For the first time in months, I thought about drinking. But don’t worry. I found the only bottle in the house and poured it down the drain.” I sniff, holding back a tear. “Does this make me weak, Mar?”

  “No, it makes you human. The strongest human I know. I know you’re going to get through this. Yes, it will be hard, and yes it will suck, but I have faith in you.”

  “Thanks, babe. I know you do and that is what will keep me going. I’m exhausted, and I have a lot to do tomorrow so I can wrap this up and get back to you. I’m going to bed. Dream of me and all the things I want to do to your body.”

  “I will think dirty thoughts before I drift off to sleep, thinking only of you. I’ll talk to you soon, Ben.”

  I can’t bring myself to sleep in mine and Em’s bed. For the longest time, I just sit in my office and twist my wedding ring around in circles on my finger. Am I betraying you Em, if I take off my wedding band? It’s just really hard to move on when I still feel so connected to you with this ring on. Please give me some kind of sign. I touch the picture of me and Em that sits on my desk and then pull off my ring and put it in my desk drawer. My head is spinning with confusion and exhaustion, so I go to the guest room to crash. Mitch and Henry will be here on Tuesday to help me sort all this out.

  I have restless dreams all night long and wake up in a cold sweat more than once. It is so frustrating because I can’t remember what all of them are about. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Marley and Em are both in them. I do have a flash of one dream in my head where Em is guiding Marley down a path towards me. I’m so conflicted in this dream turning my head back and forth between them. I’m ready to run until Em takes Marley’s hand and places it in mine. I know this is Em giving me the push I need to move on. This is the sign I was asking for.

  I get up out of bed around seven, eat some breakfast, brush my teeth, throw on my gym clothes and head out to EM Fitness to get a good morning workout in. The gym is packed this morning for the spin class and just general working out. Well, what do you know? Both Alan and Barbie are here this morning with matching smiles on their faces. There is definitely something going on between those two.

  Out of the corner of my eye, I see Alan give her a wink and then skim his hand across hers, almost in a caress. Now I know something is going on. “What’s up, brother?” I smile and tip my head down the hall towards where Barbie is sitting. “Is there something you need to tell me?”

  “Why, would it bother you if I were dating an employee?”

  “You know I don’t care. Just as long as you keep your shit between you and don’t bring it here if something happens and it doesn’t work out.” I shake my head and chuckle, “Barbie, really??? She seems like high maintenance and a tad bit young for you.”

  “She is actually very cool. She is also smart. Did you know she is going back to school to be a physical therapist’s assistant? She is thirty but looks fantastic for her age. Just because she has the name Barbie and was overly flirty the first time you met, doesn’t mean she is dumb. She is beautiful, smart, and fun to be around.”

  “Whoa man, no need to get defensive,” I tease. “I was just asking. I think it’s great that you two are hitting it off.” Shaking my head, I say, “Thirty? No shit. Color me impressed. But enough about your love life. How are things around here?” I can’t help wonder if he thinks I’m crazy for uprooting my life. “Are you comfortable with me moving to Arkansas? I have fallen in love with Northwest Arkansas and want to move there as soon as you feel like taking over here completely.”

  “You fell in love with Northwest Arkansas, is that the angle you’re playing? It has nothing at all to do with the chestnut-haired bombshell that lives there and loves your boys like they were her own? That wouldn’t have one little thing at all to do with it, now would it?”

  “I can’t lie, it is a big reason for sure. I think I have fallen in love with her. How can I have fallen so fast? I still love Em with all my heart, but she is gone and never coming back. Did you know she wrote me a letter and put it in my bible? I found it right before I left to go to Arkansas. The sneaky thing knew I would eventually turn to my bible once I got my head on straight. She all but told me I better go for it with Marley. Not only that, she left one for Marley too, in the purse she got her for Christmas. She knew it would take Marley some time before she could bring herself to carry the purse.”

  “Wow, man. That’s a lot to take in. Marley is great for you. I would have gone for it myself if she seemed in the least bit interested in me, but she always gave that standoff vibe to me.”

  “It wasn’t you. She just had a bad go of it in a relationship a long time ago. Plus, I think it was in God’s plans that we end up together.”

  “I’m happy for you, man. I’ve got things covered here. This gym runs like a well-oiled machine. Besides, I have someone coming in to interview on Friday for an assistant management position. His resume is top notch, and so far, all his references were exceptional. Will you still be here on Friday morning at nine? I’d love for you to do the interview with me to see if he meets your expectations. After all, this is your baby.”

  “You have done a stellar job taking care of my baby too. You’re the best friend a guy could have. Thank you so much. Just so you know, I had my lawyer draw up papers giving you twenty-five percent of the business. You’re now part owner. This is your baby, too.”

  “I don’t know what to say, Benson. Thank you so much. I won’t let you down.” He shakes his head and pulls me in for a man hug.

  “Well, that was easy. I’m off to beat the bag. Have you worked out yet today?”

  “Not yet. It’s just me and Barbie here this morning until nine, and then Steph wil
l be coming in to help. It’s after eight now, go hit the bag, and I’ll catch you at the free weights around nine.”

  “Sounds like a plan.” We fist bump, and he’s back to the front desk to flirt with Barbie.

  Before I leave the privacy of my office, I look up at my family picture and smile at the memory, then I pick up the phone and call Marley.

  Chapter Fifty-One

  Marley

  The now familiar tune, “Reason to Stay” by Brett Young that Ben set as his ringtone to, goes off and I can’t answer my phone fast enough. I miss him so much.

  “Hi, handsome. I’m so glad you called. I’ve been thinking about you this morning. Even my run didn’t turn off my brain today. How did you sleep last night?”

  “I’m doing so much better now that I hear your beautiful voice. I just wish I was looking at your smiling face.”

  A few seconds later the weird ringing of FaceTime sounds, and there is my sexy man smiling at me. “Hi, handsome!”

  “Hi, gorgeous! You take my breath away. Have I told you, today, how beautiful you are?”

  His words make my heart expand, and butterflies explode in my stomach. “You’re making me blush, Ben. You make me feel beautiful every minute of the day. You sure look sexy as hell in your workout clothes. I hope all those women that like to hang out and ogle men at the gym know you’re taken.”

  “Am I taken?” he says playfully. “I damn well better be, Sweetcheeks.”

  He is being so playful this morning. “What has gotten into you this morning?”

  I watch his face break out into a panty melting grin on my phone. Damn, I wish I had gotten the bigger screen now, but it’s too big for my pocket. “I wish I was getting into you this morning. All I can think about is how sweet you taste and how good you make me feel with your lips wrapped around my dick. I’m getting hard just looking at you and thinking about it. Touch yourself for me. I want to watch you come undone while you’re fantasizing about me.”

  “I can’t do that. I’m too embarrassed, Ben.”

  “You can, and you will do it. Please, babe. For me.”

  How can I resist the pouty face? If I’m going to do this, I’m going to go all in. I pick up my phone and walk to the bathroom and prop the phone on the vanity. “Can you see me, Ben?” He has no words, just nods his head. Next, I turn on the tub and pour in some bubbles. “I’m a dirty girl. It’s time to clean myself up.” I hear Ben audibly gasp when I pull my tank off over my head and unzip my front zipping sports bra from Victoria’s Secret, letting it fall to the floor on top of the tank. Next, I shimmy out of my running shorts, with the built-in panty, over exaggerating every shake of my hips until the shorts are pooled at my feet.

  “Damn, just damn, babe. I think I’ve died and gone to heaven. My dick is so hard for you. Look what you do to me.” He takes his phone and directs it down to the prominent bulge tenting his gym shorts. I also see his feet move across the floor and I hear an audible click of him locking his office door.

  “This is for my eyes and ears only. I’d never take the chance of someone seeing or hearing you when you come. That is all mine.” He all but growls.

  Ben is now sitting on the couch in his office with his shorts off and his dick in his hands rubbing up and down in a leisurely motion like he has all day. “I need you so bad, Ben.” I slide into the bubbles and sink down in the glorious heat. I look seductively at Ben and trail my fingers over my heavy breasts that are begging for his mouth, and down my flat stomach to my already soaking center. I flick my clit, and it causes me to arch my body.

  “Wipe those bubbles off your luscious tits. I want to see your nipples get hard as you finger yourself and watch me pleasure myself.”

  I do as he says and clear the bubbles away as I arch my back out of the water and my fingers find the promised land, rubbing my clit and fingering my wet pussy. I’m so hot for him; it doesn’t take me any time to come. “Are you almost there? I-I-I, oh god I’m coming, Ben.” I fight to keep my eyes open.

  Ben huskily pants, “You better keep your eyes on me when you come. Look at me babe, I’m about to explode.”

  And explode he does, shooting his hot thick cum all over his hand and stomach. He is panting hard and rubbing frantically to milk out every last drop. Pleasure is still coursing through my body like an electrical current straight to my pussy. “Thank you. That was amazing. I didn’t know how much I needed that.”

  “You’re amazing, Mar. I needed that more than you could ever know. Thank you.”

  Ben is still catching his breath when he says, “By the way, everything is set here at the gym. Alan is taking over completely here, and we have a very promising interview Friday for an assistant manager for Alan. The house is going on the market Friday too. Soon, I will be back in your arms.”

  I’m beyond ecstatic with this news. “That is wonderful, Ben. What kind of timeline are you looking at to come back to Arkansas?”

  “I’m not really sure, but hopefully mid-week next week. I plan on donating whatever the boys don’t want. My desk in my office is the only piece of furniture I want to keep.”

  “Didn’t Em buy it at an antique store and refinish it for you for your birthday several years ago?”

  “Yes, she did. And I don’t think I could ever part with it. I hope you understand. I can put it in storage if you don’t have room for it at your place.”

  “Don’t be crazy. I have the perfect place for it. You can make one of the spare rooms your office, or you can put it in my office, and we can share.”

  “You’re amazing, Mar. I don’t know what to say.”

  “Say you’ll be here soon.”

  Ben blows me a kiss and smiles. “Soon, my dear. Very soon.”

  “I better get washed up fast, or I’m going to turn into a prune. You better get cleaned up too. You’re one sticky mess.”

  “That I am, but it was so worth it. Talk to you soon, babe.”

  I hang up and squeal in pure joy. He’s coming for good.

  Chapter Fifty-Two

  Benson

  This week has gone by faster than I expected. Mitch and Henry have been a big help getting Em’s clothes boxed up and donated to the local women’s shelter. We all shed a few tears and shared even more laughs about all the good times we were blessed with. I also had another talk with the boys about my feelings for Marley. They assured me, just like before, that they were happy for us both and said that it was what their mom would want for us all.

  After our talk, everything just started to fall into place. The realtor wanted us to leave the furniture in the house for staging to help it sell. He agreed to have it delivered to Goodwill as soon as the house sold. Mitch and Henry took the things that were important to them. I boxed up all our family photos and videos and of course my clothes. I did not leave the desk in my office. We moved the smaller desk that Henry had in his room into the office. It will have to do.

  I got Marley’s parent’s phone number from Mitch so I could get them to help me with my surprise for Marley. She doesn’t know about the Brett Young concert in Chicago next Sunday night. I asked her parents if they could call her and get her to go there and help them with something over the weekend. I told her mother about getting Marley front row tickets, and I also was able to get two more tickets for her parents on the lower deck. Marley won’t know about the front row tickets. She will think she is sitting with her parents. I will be there to surprise her. Hopefully, in more ways than one.

  My phone rings and I know it’s Marley. I’m sure she is calling to tell me how sad she is that she will be leaving me just one week after I move in with her. “Why, hello sweetheart. What’s up, buttercup?” I love to throw silly endearments at her.

  “What’s up is that my parents called and are really laying it on thick about me not coming to see them. Mom even threw in a few sniffles for good measure. I will have to be back on campus soon which means this really is one of the few weekends left that I can go without having to rush home to be
at work, but it means I will be gone the week after you move in.” I can hear the pout in her voice as she tells me this. “Mom said something about taking me out on Sunday night, and I will love it, but she won’t tell me what ‘it’ is.”

  “Don’t be sad babe. We have the rest of our forevers together. You need to spend time with your parents. I will be waiting on you when you get back.”

  “I know. I’m just being selfish because I want you so much.”

  “It’s only a weekend. Besides, I will be so busy at the gym, that you probably wouldn’t see much of me anyway. You will have fun and make your parents happy in the process.”

  “Is everything going smoothly for you?”

  “Better than expected. I talked to the boys about us, and they were happy. They said their mom would be happy too, knowing that we were together. The house is officially listed, and there is an open house on Saturday. My realtor swears he can get an offer on the day of open house. I’m not holding my breath, but it would thrill me.”

  “I’m going to be crossing my fingers and toes that your house does indeed sell on Saturday. I want you back here with me.” I can hear the pout in Marley’s voice.

  “I want to be back with you too. Not much longer, I promise.”

  “By the way, I received another one of those weird text messages from an unknown number. This time it said MINE-SOON. This is really starting to freak me out. I’m even getting feelings that I’m being watched. Isn’t that crazy. So please hurry and come home to me. I’m starting to turn into a paranoid woman. If I get one more text, I’m definitely calling the police and reporting it.”