Where Are You

by Bella Donnis

  Erin motioned to the half full glasses she and Ben held. “I think we’re fine for the time being, but thank you, Scruffy.” She squeezed his shoulder. “Hey, we’ll arrange to have a drink real soon, yes?”

  “Aye, we will. Just let me know when.” Scruffy turned away, looked left and right, then trudged off toward the bar.

  “Did I say something wrong?” Ben asked. “A truly wonderful chap, but by God, did he just change in an instant.”

  Erin took a breath. “You weren’t to know, honey. He sculled with his twin brother. He battled with depression and…Well, he wishes he could have done more.”

  “Oh Jesus Christ.” Ben ran a hand through his hair. “You should have just kicked me. I’ll drop the subject of rowing from now on.”

  “Hey, you weren’t to know.”

  “No, you’re right.” He brought her in for a hug then released her, exhaling loudly. “This is supposed to be a bloody engagement party. Where’s that photographer?”

  They continued working their way around the guests; Erin’s parents, Ben’s parents, several friends from both their courses, even Sergeant Major Thomas Becker made an appearance, unaided by walking sticks. “He improves more and more every time I see him.” Erin told Ben.

  Shortly after, the orchestra began playing Four Seasons by Vivaldi. Great - Even more hard memories to battle through. And to think this was supposed to be a day about looking to the future. Erin finished her next glass of wine before the symphony had even finished the first season. Although she loved classical music, Vivaldi had proven difficult to listen to.

  A familiar man strolled across the lawn in the direction of the marquee. “You invited my old professor?”

  “Of course. The more people I get to show off my fiancé to is all for the better.” Ben looked to Erin and joked, “now, is there anything I need to watch my tongue with after you introduce us?”

  Oh, as long as you don’t somehow mention Gianna then all will be well. “He’ll be a little touchy about the Boat Race last weekend, so just avoid any mention of that.” Erin referred to Oxford demolishing Cambridge by eleven lengths a few days before; a victory the size of which had only been surpassed thirteen times in the race’s 160 year history.

  “I think I can manage that.”

  “Free drink, free food and free drink again, Erin, you’ve done well for yourself.” The professor held out his hand to Ben. “I’m Andy, nice to meet you.”

  “You too, I’m Ben, but I feel I’m the one who’s done well for himself.”

  “Yes, I read about your prosthetics company in one of the physiotherapy journals I contribute to.” He winked at Erin.

  “Oh, thank you very much Andy.” She thrust her hands on her hips, taking mock offence. She looked to Ben and gave him a nudge, “and I don’t know why you’re smiling.”

  “I’m sorry babe.” He looked back to Andy. “I’m glad you could make it. It means a lot to us both.”

  “Well, I’ve not come that far, I still live in the city. But free drink aside, Erin was one of the finest students I’ve ever had the pleasure of teaching.” It was nice of the professor to say so. The truth was that after her freshman year, she plunged herself into learning all she could about physiotherapy, more so than was necessary even for Cambridge. She needed a distraction. “Oh and congratulations on your award from Relief for Heroes, it was well deserved. I’m sorry I couldn’t have been there, but I heard you gave me a mention…Really, there was no need.” He waved a hand in a dismissive gesture.

  “Honestly, Andy, you’ve been one of my biggest inspirations and by far the most likeable don in the faculty.” She said with complete sincerity.

  “Really, how much have you had to drink? Speaking of which…” he turned to stare at the bar, where Scruffy still stood, “…I should probably tank myself up. Oh dear God, that fellow looks awfully forlorn.” He turned back to Erin. “Maybe I’ll wait a bit.” He then looked beyond Erin. “Oh, bloody ducks on the Back Lawn, they don’t half crap all over the place. At least you don’t get to see it when they crap in the water…bloody things have no respect for the poor caretaker.”

  Erin glanced sideways at Ben, as if to confirm that yes, the professor is exactly as eccentric as I told you.

  “Speaking of ducks, did you ever find out what happened to your friend? Damn it…What was her name now…The tall Italian one…Pretty thing with the attitude. The one you were permanently glued to.” Oh shit. Please Andy, please stay quiet.

  “Um, I’m really not too sure…” Erin noticed how, compared to looking at the ducks, Ben’s interest had piqued.

  The professor looked to Ben “…I’d never have put the two of them together. They were like complete opposites. But for some reason, it just worked.” He looked back to the ducks, as two of them dared strut to within metres of the marquee. “Damn bloody things think they own the place…Well that was until she vanished…And all without a word to anyone…I pity the poor groundsman is all I can say.”

  Erin didn’t want this. Not now. Why could she not escape it? Ever since that poem resurfaced she’d been as miserable as the day Gianna disappeared. She’d had the overwhelming therapeutic need to write the thing at the time, to spill out her emotions on paper, but by God, she should have burned it straight afterwards. Were strange forces pulling the giant strings of the universe, forcing these events and coincidences to occur all within a short space of time? If so – Why? What was the universe trying to tell her? All Erin knew for sure was that she needed to forget the damn Italian, otherwise she would never be happy. “I think the bar is free now.”

  Ben’s eyes narrowed. “You know what, I think I actually very vaguely remember that girl. Wasn’t she…”

  The professor who’d turned toward the bar, whipped back on Erin. “…Anyway, that’s my cue.” He shook Ben’s hand again and hugged Erin. “And don’t look so worried girl. You’re supposed to be celebrating a wonderful thing. Don’t be afraid…Just go for it!”

  “Don’t be afraid…Just go for it!” Professor Andy Atkins told the seminar. “You knew today was coming. You’ve had all bloody Christmas to prepare for it. Quite honestly, I’m shocked at how unprepared most of you are. It’s enough to think you were studying at Oxford, not Cambridge. Here, we do things properly.”

  He walked up to Gia who lay on the therapy table. Erin stood next to her. They both wore cycling shorts and t-shirts. The professor spoke low enough so only the two of them could hear, “well done, girls, you’re about the only two present who takes this bloody thing seriously.” He spoke up to the twenty eight in the group, wearing a mixture of jeans, hooded tops and some garb he could in no way ascertain; most students had the look, and stench, of inebriation upon them, not to mention Christmas overindulgence, the shame, though ultimately no harm as long as they weren’t rowers for the faculty. “I know some of you are nervous about having to touch your friends, but there’s really nothing sexual in it, Gavin, are you listening to me? If this is what you’re intending to do as a career then you’d better get over your reservations fast. If you wanted to do a half-hearted course then you should have applied for Oxford.”

  The professor continued ranting, but much of it went through Erin’s head as she stared down at her friend, lying in front of her, in tight clothing. The pink t-shirt she wore had the word Bella written in red writing. Despite being on her back and wearing restrictive material, Gia’s breasts were trying their hardest to push through that tight pink t-shirt.

  “Um, I have to be honest with you, Gia…”

  “…Will you just get on with it! Put your hand under my knee, lift it up and bend my bloody leg.” Since when had Gia started using Englishisms such as bloody? Erin would have asked, but didn’t want to be accused of stalling.

  It didn’t help that this was the first she’d seen of Gia since returning for the new year. That the first class back was ‘hands on’ didn’t make it easier either. Things were simpler before - Something had changed over the holidays.
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  “Will you put the books down.” Gia grabbed the copy of Orthopaedic Physiotherapy from Erin’s hands, closed it and dropped it to the floor as though it was a book on crochet or some other boring subject. “Really, your nerdiness is over the top sometimes. I leave for Italy in six hours and you’d rather read about isokinetic dynamometry? I’m truly hurt Erin.” She placed a hand over her heart in exaggeration.

  Erin frowned and took a sip from her coffee. “I’m sorry, I’m more than happy to talk normal stuff.” The truth was that even though Erin looked forward to returning to Alnwick for Christmas, she had no idea just how she would occupy her free time without Gia. The totality of the last three and a half months had involved her in some way or other; from the large to the small, from being study partners and rowing on the double sculls to shopping for groceries and almost getting banned from popular student bars. “Are you looking forward to going home?”

  Gia rolled her eyes, made snoring noises and dropped her head to the table. “Booooring.” When she brought her head back up, she looked beyond Erin and scowled at something.

  “What?” Erin twisted in her seat. The Starbucks employee who was gathering up used cups, caught Erin’s eye then looked away.

  “I’m telling you, it’s every time we come in here, he checks you out all the time.” Gia dropped back against her seat with a plop.

  “Does he? I’ve not noticed.”

  “Because you always have your head in a book.” Gia looked beyond Erin again, who didn’t turn around this time. “If he thinks I’m letting him take you away from me, then he can think again.”

  “Nobody can take me away from you.” Erin said deadpan, taking another sip from her drink. “Well, say hi to your madre anyway.” Erin paused as she watched Gia, who still held her focus over Erin’s shoulder. Honestly, what did it matter if he stared at her the whole time? Erin was far too busy studying, rowing and amusing a full time best friend to add a boyfriend to the mix. “Gia?”

  “Yes?”

  “Can I ask you something?”

  “No, of course not…What?”

  “Did you mean what you said the other day? About showing me around your home town?” She saw Gia’s eyes widen and spoke quickly to fill the gap. “It’s just that I’ve always wanted to see Italy and you live so close to Pompeii.”

  “The other day?” Gia asked with narrowed eyes and a tilted head.

  “Yeah, you were pretty blasé about it…On the punt…You said you’d show me around sometime. I thought it was just a joke, you don’t remember half the things you say.” Erin sensed the heat rising and looked down at the crumbs from her vanquished muffin. She gathered a few errant scraps and placed them in her mouth.

  Gia reached over and touched her arm. Erin wasn’t expecting it and jumped from the sensation. “Erin, you are welcome to come and stay with us whenever you like. You’re my best friend, you silly goose.” Gia sat back and laughed.

  “What?”

  “You had that the whole world is about to come to an end expression on your face. It’s so cute…I’d missed it…Haven’t seen it in a while.”

  “Otherwise known as the haze.” Erin sat back. “And thank you. I’d really love to come and visit sometime. And of course, you’re welcome in Alnwick whenever you like. The castle there is the one used in those two Harry Potter films.”

  “Oh, Erin, you really do have the worst taste in films.” Gia’s face perked up. “And you, missy, were supposed to come over and watch Malena.”

  Erin rubbed her chin. She’d still not seen where Gia lived. Living in the flats within the Downing campus had meant stricter rules on guests. “You mean you actually remember inviting me to watch that?”

  Gia spoke so much and usually so quickly that there was no way on earth she could possibly remember even a fraction of the things she rambled on about, even the more important things such as the time they were supposedly training on any given day were frequently forgotten. “Erin, I had my mother post it over from Italy especially so we could watch it together.”

  “Wow, ok.” It looked like Erin had underestimated her friend.

  “You know, you should give me a little more credit.”

  Erin nodded. “Yes, you are absolutely correct. And I guess I should say sorry.” She held Gia’s eye contact, wanting it to sound sincere.

  “Hey that’s cool, it really is. There’s no way you can offend me.” She held Erin’s gaze. Gia always carried a certain intensity, a mysterious force that emanated from the eyes and when they looked at you like that, it was as though she was looking into your very soul. It was Erin who broke first by looking down to her cup. Then the silence dragged on for an uncomfortable amount of time. “So, this haze…Tell me what it’s like.” Gia finally broke the silence.

  Erin breathed. “Well I’ve had it for as long as I can remember. It’s not merely some metaphorical thing or some exaggeration that I made up. Coming from a practical or evolutionary viewpoint, I think it happens as a kind of self-defence mechanism…Although it’s really not…It’s brought me more harm than good over the years by preventing me from growing out of it. It’s the equivalent of curling up into a ball and hiding in the corner, only, I’m still standing, but everything else gets blotted out.”

  Gia focused fully on Erin – Those eyes. “Does it still happen?”

  “The thing is, it always happened when I was nervous. My vision would blur, my palms would sweat and my body would shake uncontrollably. Ever since we’ve been hanging out, you kind of took the pressure off me, simply by being there and deflecting everything. But at the same time you never allowed me to take it easy. By God, Gia, but you’ve pushed me harder than anybody else has ever pushed me in my life…And we’ve only known each other a few months.” Erin paused to consider her answer. “In all honesty, I still see fog clouding my vision, but it’s further away and it doesn’t bother me as much. I guess I owe you an awful lot.”

  “Hey, if it wasn’t me, you’d be friends with somebody else.”

  “Oh, I’m not too sure about that.”

  “Yes you would. You’re a lovely girl and I’m the one who’s lucky to be your friend.”

  Erin thought back to the first day at Downing. She’d never know for sure if she would have actually run away that day, to ruin her entire life and career, before Gia, lost and confused, stumbled into her path. “We’re lucky to have each other.”

  Gia exhaled then slapped the table top. “This film won’t watch itself. It’s either now or after the new year?”

  Erin grabbed her bag. “Now!”

  Erin looked out of Gia’s ground floor bedroom window. “You mean your room actually looks out onto the cloister?”

  “Yup, not a bad view at all. We get free run of the place too.” Gia shuffled through her things, looking for the DVD.

  Erin recalled the day they’d met, how Gia had entered the atrium through a different door and caused a fuss. It all made sense now. “You found it?”

  “Not yet, I know it’s in all this junk somewhere.”

  The room was a strange contradiction. It had the usual high ceilings and traditional style as the rest of the college, with a tasteful view over the lawn which together should have given an upmarket feel, especially considering this was student accommodation. It was the drab Ikea furniture that brought the tone down; that and the clothes Gia had strewn about the place, giving the entire room a pleasant peachy scent.

  “Nice to see you keep your room as consistently messy as your mind.” Erin teased. “I’m sure Malena is amongst all your jumble somewhere.” She stepped toward the bed, trying not to tread on any clothes.

  Gia threw sports leggings airwards. “Somehow I get the impression your bedroom is the exact opposite.”

  “You would be correct, although the rest of the house looks pretty much like your average filthy student accommodation.” The perils of having to share with other students.

  Erin took a seat on the edge of the bed, there was nowhere else to
sit and the TV was positioned directly opposite. She took the time to glance over the walls, which Gia had adorned with several posters of extremely well-toned female athletes. From the looks of them, they were Italian sprinters, swimmers and one of a beautiful woman who held what looked like a pole vault. Strange – But where were the posters of male athletes? Italy of all places would be sure to have oodles of hot masculine men in skin hugging spandex.

  “I’m just curious, but what sport did you play back home?” Erin asked.

  “I played swimming.” She said on all fours, shifting through the mess on the floor. “Why?”

  Erin pictured Gia’s toned physique as she heaved on those heavy oars – A body she aspired to possess for herself. “Just wondering.”

  Gia rummaged through a stack of padded envelopes sandwiched somewhere between some sweaters. “Found it! Prepare to be amazed and to fall in love with Monica Bellucci.” She really did like this actress.

  “Um, ok.”

  “One minute…” Gia left and returned a few minutes later with two glasses and a bottle of white wine. “If we’re going to do this, then we’re doing it properly.” She closed the curtains, shutting out the afternoon light and enshrouded the room in darkness. She poured wine into the glasses and dived back onto the bed.

  Erin, still perched on the end, felt a foot rub against her lower back. “Yeah?”

  “Jump back, silly, and relax, you’re blocking the view.”

  “Sorry.” Erin leant backwards and manoeuvred her way up the bed until she came parallel with Gia with her body upright against the backrest. She had to reach over Gia to take her wine from the bedside table.

  The movie began and Erin was immediately transported to the stunning town of Noto in Sicily, like somewhere out of the medieval world. Then Malena began walking through the town. It was a nightmare scenario for Erin as every single head, male and female turned to gawp at her. The men fell over themselves to get near her, to open doors or pull out her chair. This in turn gave the women a serious case of the green eyed demon, staring daggers at her. Beauty was both a blessing and a curse. But you couldn’t help but feel sympathy for the woman, because she didn’t ask for any of the attention, it came looking for her and in reality, Malena was beautiful on the inside too. She loved her husband and was distraught when he went to fight in the war and didn’t return. When the Germans were pushed out of the town by the allies, the townswomen took the opportunity to ruin her. They cut off her hair and publicly whipped Malena.