Where Are You

by Bella Donnis

  After two glasses of wine each, it was this moment when Gia moved down off the headrest and lay flat on the bed, propping her head on Erin’s lap. She did it in such a natural way that Erin didn’t think anything of it, although she did wonder where to put her hands; her left was pushed off her lap and now hung to her side, while her right was caught between her belly and Gia’s head.

  Malena left town to escape the persecution and then her presumed dead husband returned only to find his wife had vanished. He received a tip-off as to her whereabouts and went in search, but not before first having to endure lies from the townspeople as to what his wife was ‘really’ like and what she had been doing while he was away fighting in the war. The film ended when both Malena and her husband returned to Noto, hand in hand, walking through the streets with their heads held high. For Erin, it was the epitome of courage and something she wished she possessed herself.

  “What did I tell you?” Gia sat up and turned to Erin. “You’re crying?”

  “Am I?” Erin wiped a sleeve across her eyes.

  “Yeah, pretty much, wussy.” Gia smiled. “I got over crying for Malena after something like my thirteenth viewing, so I can understand. You do get desensitised to it.”

  “She was just so brave.” Erin sniffed.

  “Beats the hell out of Harry Potter, don’t you think?”

  Erin snorted a globule of snot from her nose. “Oh God, how embarrassing.” She covered her face with her hands as Gia collapsed sideways in laughter.

  “I got a full on view of that.” Gia said through the hysterics.

  “It’s not funny, I tasted wine through my nose.”

  Gia curled into a ball as she descended into a full on fit, her Italian browned face turning almost red. “You…sure…you sure know how to ruin a moment.”

  “Oh, I did not.” Erin took out a tissue and blew her nose.

  Gia pushed herself up, tears flecking at the eyes. “Look what you’ve done to me.” She said, pointing to her face.

  “We’re quite the pair, but at least I’m crying for a real reason.”

  Gia brought her hand toward Erin’s face. “Here let me just…” Erin wondered what she was about to do, her head backing an inch away out of instinct, and then Gia’s thumb wiped away an errant tear from Erin’s cheek. It was a nice gesture and one that only Gia could have done without making Erin feel uncomfortable. “…got it. That would’ve bugged me otherwise.”

  “Um, thanks.”

  Gia moved herself into a cross-legged position, facing Erin as she sat against the headrest. “So what did you think of Monica Bellucci?”

  Erin thought about her answer. “She’s a fantastic actress and she played the part very believably. If she could move me to tears, then I guess she did her job right.”

  “Blah blah blah. But what did you think of her?” She tilted forward from the hips, so close that the peach intensified. It was as though Erin’s opinion mattered a great deal to Gia.

  “I’m not too sure what you mean?” Erin pulled her feet into her body and wrapped her hands around her knees.

  “I’m asking you, Erin…What did you think of Monica Bellucci?” She spoke slow and in monotone, those big, brown hawkish eyes demanding full attention.

  “What did I think of her? I just told you what I thought of her.” This wasn’t so funny anymore. What was she getting at?

  “No you didn’t. For all your qualities, you can be painfully slow sometimes, Erin.” She still held an expression of total seriousness, which after thirty seconds was a record for her. When would her face crack and return to laughter? Gia began rocking her body gently to-and-fro, her hands clutched together in her lap. Was she aware she was doing it? It was the most vulnerable Erin had ever seen her friend.

  “I can be painfully slow?” Erin’s breathing increased in volume as her heart pounded away in her chest. “Gia, is there something you’re trying to tell me?”

  “Argh, I don’t know…I mean yes…I’m not sure.” She ran her hands over her face and shuffled about on the bed. “I mean, I’ve not told anybody about this, but I ought to be able to tell you, shouldn’t I?”

  “Tell me what?”

  Monica Bellucci, the posters on the wall - Was it related to that - Women? Erin had not once heard Gia speak of any guy she had a crush on, in fact she showed a complete lack of interest in them. Even more, she actively deflected them, not only from herself, but from Erin too. When she wiped away Erin’s tear moments earlier – What was that?

  But no – Erin hadn’t known a single gay guy or lesbian in her entire life. Surely her best friend couldn’t have been a secret lesbian this whole time? But even if she was, would Erin have even known?

  “My God, Gia, you’re serious aren’t you?” Erin felt the urge to comfort her, to show something, any kind of gesture in support, but something stopped her. If this was what she suspected, then what could she possibly say? This had all come from nowhere and Erin felt truly stumped, and to make matters worse, the silence had now protracted for a painfully long time. “Gia? Gia, speak to me.”

  “I can see it in your eyes.” She tilted forward again, her voice quivering. This was so unlike her, the eternally confident Gia. “You know, but you won’t say it.”

  “Why can’t you say it? I’m your friend.” And then Erin realised, no matter what it was, even though it would be a shock, it still wouldn’t matter. “Gia, I promise you, whatever it is, I’m here for you. But I need to hear you say it.” Erin reached over, finally, and took ahold of Gia’s hand, her fingers sweaty and hot. “And I think you need to say it for yourself too.”

  Gia took a deep breath. “Ok, here goes.” She looked down, took another breath, then looked Erin in the eyes. “Erin, I think I’m…No…Let me say it differently.” She shuffled again. “Ok…I like girls.” A single tear trickled down her cheek and this time it was Erin who wiped it away. Gia laughed, part in relief, part because of the beautiful gesture. “Oh God, please don’t say you hate me.”

  Erin pulled her forward into an embrace, feeling Gia’s ribcage judder as she broke into a cry. “Of course I don’t hate you, I’m so proud of you.”

  Wow – Was the one word that came to mind. There was much Erin wanted, needed to ask; how long had she known? Had she ever kissed a girl? Or more? Was Erin really the only person who knew? Who did she have a crush on? What would happen when her family discovered the truth? But all those questions would wait. All that mattered at this moment was that she held her friend.

  Gia packed her bag in silence, having left the task to the last minute. Erin helped by picking up as many of her clothes from the floor as time permitted and folded them into neat piles.

  “Are you taking your orange hoody?” Erin asked, feeling the need to fill the silence.

  “I don’t think I’ll be in need of a hoody in Napoli, even in December.” She smiled then turned back to the suitcase.

  “Are you sure you’re all right?”

  “Yes, of course.” She continued cramming items into the case. When she finished packing, Gia opened the top drawer by the bed. “Before I forget.” She handed Erin a small, wrapped present.

  “Thank you,” Erin said. She’d already given Gia a framed photo of them both sat in the double scull with their oars raised in the air. She’d been certain to ensure Gia had packed it.

  “Not to open before Christmas.”

  “Of course and that goes for yours too.” Erin noticed a lump in her throat. This wasn’t goodbye, but it sure felt odd. Was it because Gia just came out to her, or was it merely because she wouldn’t be around for the next month and Erin had no idea what she’d do with herself? “Here let me get that for you.” Erin took the smaller of the two bags.

  The taxi pulled up outside Downing just as they arrived on the street.

  “Text me as soon as you arrive. Let me know you’re safe.” Erin said, dropping the bag to the floor.

  “I will.” Gia dropped her bag and opened her arms.

&nbs
p; Erin fell into them and gave her a squeeze.

  “I know what you’re thinking, but I’m fine, so please don’t worry about me, ok?” Gia said, releasing Erin. “Sorry I kind of went a bit weird before.”

  “Oh, I understand entirely, don’t be silly.” Erin pulled her in for another hug. “I’ll miss you like you won’t believe.” She felt Gia squeeze the flesh on her back then Erin brought her back to arm’s length. “I’m so proud of you. Have a great Christmas and I’ll see you in a month.”

  “Miss you already.” Gia positioned her lips to kiss Erin on the cheek.

  Instead, Erin shocked herself by kissing Gia on the lips. Erin froze, wide eyed – Why the fuck had she just done that? “Sorry, I just thought that…Never mind.” She took a step back, noticing Gia’s eyebrows dip, before the Italian turned around and entered the taxi.

  As the car drove out of sight, Erin stamped down hard on the cobbles. “Stupid idiot! Why did I do that?”

  Erin decided to remain in Cambridge for a week before heading north for home. She occupied herself as best she could given that Gia was sunning it up in Napoli and in the meantime, Cambridge had succumbed to the usual English winter weather. It hadn’t snowed, which at least would have been pleasant; the morning frost preventing training on the Cam for all but the most hard core of rowers. Erin decided there wasn’t much point in double sculling with nobody to make up the duo.

  As the week progressed, Cambridge, with its twenty five percent student population gradually began to resemble a ghost town as thousands of scholars scattered to every corner of the UK, Europe and even the world.

  With little better to do, Erin headed to Starbucks, ordered a coffee and hit the books - Isokinetic dynamometry. She snorted, “damn it.”

  A girl two tables over scowled at Erin as she blew her nose. At least now she could learn about the subject without the major distraction that was Gia. After twenty minutes, Erin closed the books. It just wasn’t the same.

  It was a five and a half hour coach ride north and throughout Erin found herself checking her phone, over and over again. Why hadn’t Gia texted to let her know she’d arrived home? Erin remembered specifically asking her to take the trouble to make the text. It was nothing more than the polite thing to do – Wasn’t it? After a week she was unlikely to send the text now, but Erin couldn’t help but check her phone anyway. The words, ‘text to let me know you’ve arrived safe,’ weren’t just a figure of speech – Were they?

  Regardless, there were a million other subjects Gia could have texted about, but hadn’t. How much longer would this coach ride take? Erin needed a distraction.

  She typed into her phone, ‘Hi, babe, just checking you’re ok? Haven’t heard from you since you arrived.’ So much for a distraction. Her finger hovered over send. “I’m so silly.” She muttered under her breath and deleted the message. “On second thoughts…” She turned the phone off completely and stuffed it at the bottom of her bag, out of reach.

  The present from Gia lay buried at the top of the bag. She took it out, ran her fingers over the paper, shook it. Some kind of a DVD box set perhaps? Should she open it? – No! She’d promised Gia she’d wait until Christmas day. Gia wouldn’t open her present before Christmas day, she was probably not even thinking about it, running her fingers over the paper, shaking it and now, oh God, even sniffing it. What the heck. Erin thrust the present back in the bag, zipped it up and heaved it into the storage compartment.

  What else was there to do? - Isokinetic dynamometry? Nope, she’d already tried that. Gia, why had you not texted?

  The week before Christmas, Erin played tennis with her brother nearly every day. Her aerobic capacity had improved a great deal, allowing her to play longer without feeling tired. Although she still couldn’t beat her brother, he did comment about how she’d improved, which was funny considering she hadn’t even played tennis in three months.

  “Obviously all that aerobic work in your little boat has given you some kind of transference.” He said, prodding her with his racket. “Perhaps by the time you graduate you’ll be able to beat me.”

  She replied by swiping his arm with her racket.

  On Christmas morning, the first thing she did was text Gia. ‘Hey hon, Merrrrrrrry Christmas :) I hope you liked the present?’ Having an actual reason to finally make the text made everything so much easier.

  She rolled out of bed and grabbed Gia’s present. She’d made it – That was an achievement in itself. She tore off the paper, revealing a plain box. So it wasn’t a DVD box set. She carefully opened the box and slid out a photo frame.

  “Oh, my God.”

  It was a framed photo of the exact same image Erin had given Gia. They sat on their double scull, smiling at the camera, oars raised above their heads. She closed her eyes and clasped the frame against her heart. “This will go on my bedside table. Remember to take it back to Cambridge.” She said to herself.

  The excitement of Christmas day; lots of great food, giving out and opening presents, as well as being around her mum, dad, brother and grandma all acted as a distraction from Gia – Kind of.

  When she found herself checking her phone every few minutes while the family sat around the dinner table, she knew something was wrong; not least with Gia, who still hadn’t replied, but also with herself.

  There were other things to occupy her mind on this of all days. Yet, just as with many times before, since Gia left for Italy, after coming out as a lesbian, there was only one thing in Erin’s thoughts. Damn that Italian – The damn Italian. Erin sniggered with a mouthful of turkey and sprout.

  “That’s funny to you Erin, is it?…Your grandma’s hip operation.” Mum chastised, smashing Erin’s trance.

  Erin almost choked on her mouthful. “What? Oh, no. Of course not.” She reached beyond her brother and rubbed her gran on the arm. “I’m so sorry, Gran, I was just thinking of something else. There’s nothing funny about your hip op.”

  “That’s alright love, I’m not offended.” She took Erin’s hand and gave it a squeeze before turning back to the rest of the table. “I says…She’s been on that little telephone she carries around with her the whole time…Not seen her off it once.” Gran announced to the rest of the table. It wasn’t quite the truth, a bit of an exaggeration actually, but Erin didn’t want to contradict her sweet grandma. “I says…She’s got herself a fella’ down at Oxford.”

  Oh God, not this. “Cambridge, Gran, I’m at Cambridge.” From the corner of her eye, her mum and dad smiled and leaned forward.

  “In my day we went straight from school to the factory. Did I tell you I made the seats in them Spitfires?” She cut off a tiny chunk from her turkey, from a plate that was far too full for her appetite.

  “You did Gran.”

  Her brother took a swig of champagne and swilled it around his mouth, making a disgusting sound that annoyed everybody at the table. “She hasn’t got a boyfriend. Who would find her attractive?”

  Oh, very mature. “Thanks for that Stephen,” Erin said, who’d been thankful gran had somehow managed to connect the subject of a potential boyfriend at ‘Oxford,’ to when she built planes during the war. Now Stephen had deliberately returned to the one subject Erin wanted to avoid.

  “Do you have a boyfriend?” Mum asked, coming straight out with it.

  “No mum, if I did, I’d have told you.”

  “So I was right then.” Stephen said.

  Erin gritted her teeth. “Yes, you were right, idiot.” Without even realising, she took out her phone and checked the screen - Nothing.

  “See, again. All these gadgets young people have these days…And I bet she wouldn’t even know how to use a washboard.” Gran said, apparently monitoring Erin’s every move.

  “Mother, washboards became obsolete years ago. I don’t even use a washboard.” Erin’s mum said. “And Erin, it’s rude to be on your phone at the dinner table.”

  “Sorry mum.”

  Erin’s mum softened her expression. “Are
you certain there’s no boyfriend? I’m sure you’ve had lots of offers?”

  Ok, from now on, no more checking the phone around the family. “I’m pretty sure, mum.” Erin said, noticing her mum’s sad expression.

  “She’ll have lots of boys courting her.” Gran said, as though Erin never spoke.

  During Boxing day, Erin took the two German Shepherds to the grounds around Alnwick castle. A thin layer of snow covered the grass, which the dogs took pleasure rolling around in. The fresh country air lifted her spirits, at least temporarily; until Gia popped back into her head.

  She’d had a good friend once, in primary school. Erin and Nancy Turner, aged seven had been inseparable. She remembered crying for days when her family moved to New Zealand. One day Nancy was at school, the next she was gone and it had been left to the teacher, Mrs Reed to break the sad news. Thinking back, Erin wondered what effect that incident had on the rest of her life. What was the point in making friends, if they could vanish without a trace and all for reasons you couldn’t understand at the time. It was most likely a contributing factor to Erin’s underdeveloped social abilities.

  But no – The present situation was nothing like that. Gia had only returned to Italy for Christmas and Erin would be reunited with her in a little over two weeks. If only she’d text to tell Erin how her Christmas was going, how she found her present, how the family were and if she missed Cambridge.