Where Are You

by Bella Donnis

  Erin – The one who got away.

  Gianna had never been able to decide if their finally getting together the day before she had to leave was a blessing or a tragedy. In truth, it was probably both, but it had been horrific timing.

  Erin – The sweetest, most beautiful person she’d ever known. And Gianna had known at the time, as she’d known in – How long? “Ten years? Fuck, where does it all go?” – She’d known just how much her leaving would hurt Erin. Worse – That as the months and years flew by, she had never been able to bring herself to contact her first love. And the longer she left it, the harder it became until the time arrived when she no longer possessed the kind of courage she once had.

  But now Erin was reaching out to her. “Why? I don’t deserve this…I don’t deserve you.”

  Gianna often recollected with affection the many memories they shared in only their short time together. “A little under eight months.” She whispered to herself, despair descending over her mood. The late night study sessions where they’d talk about everything but physiotherapy. The physical practices and Erin being too nervous to touch her. The rowing; she gasped, “rowing.” How she missed it, just her and Erin together in a boat, rowing down a beautiful river. How Erin would always bring an extra cereal bar in case she’d missed breakfast. The way Erin’s tired morning eyes shot to life at the sight of her. Their first and only nervous night, where they’d fumbled around together, not quite knowing how things worked, that she’d replayed in her mind, over and over, where they finally got to be with each other. Erin’s smooth skin, supple breasts, her smell, taste, that smile that few got to see, indeed, seemed reserved only for her.

  Gianna had been the most important thing in Erin’s life, she knew that, and now after everything, how could she face her?

  And there existed the problem – Just how exactly could Gianna face Erin? “Tomorrow.” How would she react to being near her again? What would she say to her? How could she explain running away like she had? Did she possess the strength and courage to meet Erin? Gianna wasn’t the same person she’d been ten years ago. She’d taken far too many knocks since then and it had affected her in many ways.

  Gianna was on the verge of turning grey. Lines had started to appear below her eyes but worst of all, she was no longer the svelte athlete Erin would remember her as. “How can I meet with her? I bet she’s still so beautiful.” She knew it was her ego taking over and she still possessed a great ego, even now. It was a thing common to many women, Italian women especially. To have been beautiful, only to lose it, would only take on a new apprehension when meeting old loves. But none of that would have mattered to the Erin she knew.

  And there, on the computer screen, the thumbnail image of Doctor Erin Baker. She hovered over the image, daring to click it. All she had of Erin’s physical appearance were in her memories, having left her photographs in Cambridge.

  She clicked on the image and her head swirled as the photo enlarged.

  “Just as I remember you…My English rose.”

  The most beautiful girl in the world.

  Tomorrow.

  Chapter Twelve

  Today

  And there it was.

  Fisioterapia di Napoli stood on the corner of a busy crossroads in what had to be one of the more run down areas of Napoli, just outside of the historic centre, about a fifteen minute walk from the hotel.

  Even now at ten in the morning, with rush hour supposedly over, vehicles still remained for the most part stationery, crowding the intersection – Rush hour never ended in this city. The usual blaring of horns ringing from everywhere added to something else that clung to the air, something that Erin couldn’t fathom. It was a constant tension, like something was about to happen and she couldn’t figure out if it was the atmosphere from this part of the city, or from what she was about to do.

  Ben had left the hotel a little before Erin, in search of cathedrals, city walls and ancient monuments. As soon as the door closed behind him, Erin’s nerves had been shot to pieces, combined with heavy heart beats, nausea and all manner of other bodily stimuli serving to remind her that today would be big, even potentially life changing.

  Now, she’d been standing, wearily, across the road for five minutes, though it was probably longer, staring bleary eyed at Gianna’s building. She’d made it this far, all the way to Napoli, after so much deliberation, heartache and emotional time spent. But those final few steps, she knew, would be the hardest.

  So, she decided instead upon a quick espresso, perhaps not the most suitable of beverages, but she needed it anyway - It was either that or a whisky shot, which wouldn’t impress Gianna at a quarter past ten in the morning.

  She had a reasonable view, through the traffic, of Fisioterapia di Napoli from her table on the street outside the café bar. All manner of rubbish whirled and stirred around her feet in the gentle breeze.

  She finished her espresso; it was time to make a move. “No more stalling, Erin.”

  Why was she putting it off? Was this all a mistake? - One big emotional misadventure.

  Surely, if Gianna had wanted to see Erin again, then she’d have made the first move and probably would have done so years ago. It was true that Erin had received no response to her email but then again she’d stupidly forgotten to bring her European plug socket adaptor. Her phone’s battery had vanquished its power sometime during the night and she’d yet to purchase a new adaptor in Napoli. It was entirely plausible that Gianna had emailed in the meantime, wasn’t it? She remembered framing her initial email in such a way as to have come over relaxed about the whole meeting; it was no biggie if Gianna couldn’t attend because Erin was in town anyway.

  “Oh stop stalling, Erin and get over there.”

  She grabbed her bag, stood and breathed.

  And then the door to Fisioterapia di Napoli swung open and Gianna stepped outside.

  It had all happened so fast, Gianna hadn’t yet had the time to process the fact that Erin had contacted her and was even now pottering about the city. One moment she was checking her emails and the very next day she was due to meet the most important person who ever existed - After ten years.

  Everything else that was going on in her life, the crap, hurt, pain, infatuated women, debts to the Camorra, had all taken a back seat to this – To Erin.

  It was true that this had all come from nowhere and she knew Erin owed her nothing and Gianna most definitely did not deserve this visit. But she’d made an effort anyway.

  Despite all the changes she’d undergone since last seeing Erin, Gianna still possessed that same monstrous ego, the same that had tried to talk her out of this meeting. She chuckled as she looked in the bathroom mirror, “that’ll never change.”

  She’d visited a friend last night to have her hair cut and dried, with special instructions to pluck out all the greys, and to burn them if need be.

  “I hope my English is still good.” She hadn’t spoken the language in years other than for that one American client with the hip replacement.

  Erin had not stated exactly when she would arrive, but it was approaching ten in the morning and in Gianna’s bones grew the feeling of imminence, like something was about to happen, like someone very special was close by.

  Then Vedetta’s muffled voice was just audible, though not exactly comprehensible, through the door and over the traffic.

  A knock at the door sent a flood of electricity through her every vein, her hands clammed up as sweat pricked at the skin’s surface all over her body.

  This was it – Good luck Gia. “Come in.”

  Agata thrust open the door. “Excuse me?” She asked, barging inside. “Why are you talking English?”

  “Shit!” What was she doing here? Why now? Please not now!

  “You’re not happy to see me?” Agata demanded, her look mirroring Gianna’s own.

  But there was no time for pleasantries, not today. “I don’t have time for this, Agata. I have clients today.”


  “No you don’t!”

  “Excuse me?”

  “You told me yesterday, you have a window this morning. A quick coffee…You promised.”

  “Did I?” Shit – Gianna had promised.

  “And your eleven o’clock…Signora Rossi…”

  “…Yes?…” Gianna asked with narrowed eyes.

  “She’s not coming.”

  Gianna folded her arms. “And how do you know that?”

  “Because she’s me!” Agata smirked. “So now we can have some time together.”

  Gianna exhaled an involuntary breath. How many of the other no shows had Agata been responsible for in the three months since they met in that gay bar? Anyway, she didn’t want to think about that now, she needed Agata gone and fast. “A very quick coffee, Agata.” Gianna grabbed her bag. “Let’s go!” She rushed to the door but heard no footsteps in her wake. Hand gripping the handle, Gianna looked over her shoulder to Agata, still stood there, head bowed. “What’s wrong?”

  “You’re always so mean to me.” Her face screwed up, almost like a child’s, as the waterworks started.

  This was not what Gianna needed right now. But seeing the girl there like that and being at least partly responsible for it – The natural mothering instincts that were buried deep within took over as she gave Agata a hug, not too tight. “Hey, that’s not true.” It kind of wasn’t. What a mess. She made soothing sounds for a few seconds, then tried to gently guide Agata toward the door, who plodded along for three small paces, then…

  … “I just want you to love me like I love you.” She moaned, grinding to a halt.

  Aah, ooh, not the conversation for this minute. Ordinarily now would be an ideal time to break things off and get some real distance. But if Gianna did that then the situation would quickly descend and that would take up time. Gianna didn’t have time right now. She hated doing it, but there really was no alternative… “I do love you.” She pulled Agata toward the door.

  “But you’re not in love with me.” She wailed, again applying the brakes.

  Gianna felt no small quantity of panic building within. It wasn’t merely from being forced into this conversation and now, whilst Erin was potentially minutes away. But ultimately, one could only be judged by the kind of people around them, by the company they kept, likes attract and such. And whilst this Neapolitana may have been attractive, with her long dark hair, clear skin, slender legs and breasts that were small, shapely and pert, the woman had persistently demonstrated her instability, which was truly saying something for a Neapolitan lesbian. The turning up unannounced in the most random of places suggested something a little worse than mere possessiveness, though making fake client appointments was something knew entirely. How had it ever come to this? That Gianna had fallen into such company, and what’s more, despite knowing better, had kept it. Had her confidence really taken that much of a beating?

  No - That conversation would need to be soon. Just not now. “You know what…I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently. But I really don’t think that here is the place to discuss it. Let’s go get that coffee over the road and talk about us.” Gianna held out her hand for effect, plastering on the most convincingly genuine smile she could muster.

  “Ok.” Agata wiped away her tears and took Gianna’s hand.

  Then they left the surgery.

  There she was.

  After ten years – The damn Italian.

  Grey clouds whirled in Erin’s periphery vision, something which hadn’t happened in many years, time slowed, senses heightened, her skin tingled yet she didn’t notice any of it. Neither did she notice the grey clouds receding, though much of the environment remained blotted out.

  Gianna, if that was truly her, at the centre of Erin’s focus, had clearly changed – A lot.

  Though she would always be beautiful to Erin, Gianna had lost much of what had been the initial attraction. The flowing, silky dark hair that used to bounce with every step or shake of the head was now shorter, had gained some curls and lost its former vitality. The energy she possessed of old had given way to lethargy, evidenced by the way she stepped, formerly with long confident strides that were hard to keep up with, now she absolutely dragged her feet. Indeed, Gianna had gained weight, lots of it and even now ambled sluggishly through the stationery traffic – In Erin’s direction, no less. But what was more; a tiny, minute detail that had taken a while to register – Gianna held hands with another woman.

  “Shit!” Erin found herself almost rooted to the litter strewn pavement before she could snap out of her semi-trance and back up, away from the café bar, towards a nearby street vendor. She had a good view of Gianna, through the passing pedestrians as she pretended to be interested in some tech magazine, or was it finance?

  Erin studied Gianna, the source of her present melancholy bordering on depression, with scrutiny. Should she approach and say hi? No, of course not! She had company – It really wasn’t how Erin had envisaged her big reunion, having to share it with somebody else, least of all with a slender brunette who was even now holding Gianna’s hand and looking at her in the exact same way Erin used to.

  Gianna and the woman took seats at the same table Erin had been settled at only minutes earlier. The tall, attractive brunette took Erin’s chair and pushed aside her spent espresso cup with the back of a hand before leaning inward toward Gianna with a carefree elbow on the table and a hand propping up her face.

  It was an odd feeling, finally seeing Gianna so close; not just after ten years, but after the last few weeks where little else had occupied Erin’s thoughts. The funny thing was, that even now, even after everything, it almost seemed like the completely natural thing to do, to simply step forward, approach the girl and announce her presence, almost like they’d never been parted and a part of Erin wondered just how easily they’d be able to fall back into the old routine of ease, comfort and familiarity.

  Erin’s senses were indeed heightened, still, in this most surreal of experiences, the minute noises in the distance amplified, yet conversely unnoticeable at the same time. It was almost as if a spotlight from the skies shone on Gianna and magnified every small detail, blanking out everything not inside the light. Unfortunately, the other woman occupied that same light and Erin captured the same details and particularities about her.

  The worst thing – Gianna was happy - And although Erin knew she should have been happy for her, in the moment, there was nothing but numbness.

  They were engrossed in conversation, Gianna speaking with the same kind of animation she always had when trying to drag Erin out to some bar or sports social; in a way it was comforting that some things remained constant. Gianna smiled as her companion rubbed her arm. Gianna reached over the table, took the woman’s hand, leaned over and then whispered something that had a magical effect as the woman straightened bolt upright in the chair, smiled like a smitten schoolgirl and commenced twirling tassels of long brown hair between her fingers. In fact, to the prying eye, it looked like love - Whatever Gianna whispered, it must have been special.

  “The worst thing?” Erin muttered to herself. No – It wasn’t the worst thing that Gianna was happy. It was the best thing!

  Erin replaced the magazine in its rack and took one final look at the damn Italian who changed everything and breathed, her eyes welling up. Only, this time, in a strange way, they were tears of joy. Gianna was happy – And it was time to let this thing, this fantasy go forever and find happiness for herself; happiness with the one man who loved her like she had once loved Gianna. Erin prayed that one day she could love Ben the same way.

  Closure - It was done.

  “It’s time to let it go.” She smiled. “And get on with your bloody life.”

  And without even looking back, Erin walked away.

  After promising to make plans to see Agata within the next couple of days, Gianna watched with relief as, finally, she walked away down the street. “Ugh.” A necessary evil – Gianna would apologise for leading
her on when she next saw her and would definitely break things off - Definitely.

  How long had that coffee taken? She checked her watch, “twenty minutes.” Well, it could have been far worse.

  Although stupidly, Gianna had sat with her back to the surgery, she’d been carful to check over her shoulder at regular intervals, just to ensure she didn’t miss a certain English rose, not that she knew what she’d have done had Erin entered whilst she perched there drinking coffee with Agata, but still.

  But Gianna knew her vigilance had failed the moment she returned to the surgery. It wasn’t just that Vedetta stood, pursing her lips, squinting her eyes in an almost bowed demeanour – In a strange way, Gianna also sensed Erin’s presence, but with that, the devastating loss of having missed her.

  “You had a visitor.” Vedetta confirmed Gianna’s fears, whilst holding something in her hand, an envelope.

  It was all Gianna’s fault, she knew, as her stomach twisted. She should have told Vedetta that if anybody visited whilst she was out, then they should be locked inside the store cupboard until her return. “She left didn’t she.” Gianna’s voice quaked. The one and only opportunity to see Erin again, her pretty face, to answer her questions, to let her know it wasn’t because of her, to make things right; that one opportunity had slipped through Gianna’s fingers.

  “She told me to give you this.” Vedetta held out the small padded envelope.

  Gianna took it, unknowingly caressing the paper, “did she say anything?”

  “Just that she was sorry to have missed you. And she said ‘good luck.’”

  Gianna needed to sit down, but she also needed to know, “how did she look?”

  “Um, it’s really hard to say.” She paused, trying to find the words. “She didn’t stay long, maybe ten or twenty seconds. But she seemed happy.”