Barely Breathing (Keep Breathing Book 1)

by Erica Marselas

  "Jealous?"

  "Hardly."

  “You always were a shit liar.”

  I bite my tongue and want to shout that I fooled him once before.

  "My date is beautiful, right? Unlike what you’re doing with Harry, I fuck her all the time. Best I’ve ever had.”

  His words sting. They slice through me like a thousand daggers, even though I know he's lying. He's a shittier liar than I am. He's getting even with me. This isn’t the Jaxson I left; this is the Jaxson I made. He's lashing out, and though I deserve it, god does it hurt.

  If I had just told him the truth, I wouldn't ache like this.

  “Then divorce me.”

  “What would be the fun in that, princess?” I grit my teeth at the nickname and clench my fists. “What? Only Harry there can treat you like trash? You’ve found yourself a real prince charming, haven’t you? Good for you.”

  “Not everything is what it seems, Jaxson.”

  “Then explain it to me. Because I still don’t know how the girl I loved once turned into a snobby bitch and lets some guy manhandle her?”

  Loved once. I knew he didn’t love me anymore, but hearing it at this moment, with the repulsion radiating out of his voice, makes the rest of my broken heart shatter.

  “I’m sorry.” My head drops, but I don’t get a second to wallow in my pity when his hand goes around my neck, making me look at him. That dark haunted look is back. So many emotions rolled into one, but most of all, clouded into the hate and fury, is his pain.

  I hate his pain.

  “Cry me a fucking river, River," he growls. "You know I was feeling sorry for you, being stuck with a jerk like him, but maybe you deserve it. Deserve each other.”

  “I do.” I did this to myself, and I will pay for my actions till I’m free. "I do."

  His eyes go wide momentarily, and he releases his hand from my neck. I can tell he's taken aback by my admission. "Rivs, I didn't mean that…you don't." His voice is softer and he touches my cheek, brushing his thumb across my lips. "Rivs, look at me," he coaxes, and I refuse.

  "It's fine. You want to hurt me, Jaxson. I get it. The thing is, you have no idea the hell I’m already in. There are days I forget to breathe. There are days I hate myself more than you ever could hate me. But I’d do it again because I thought it was the right choice. I am sorry, and all I want is for you to be happy. So, if you came here to hurt me or get revenge, do your worst. All I ask is that when you’re done, let me go." I push his hand off my face and walk away, fighting the tears threatening to fall.

  "Rivs?" he calls, and though I should keep going I stop. I suck in a deep breath and turn around to brace myself for whatever he wants to say now.

  "Yeah?"

  "Keep breathing, baby," he whispers, and every ounce of asshole armor he was wearing has melted away. Standing before me is my Jaxson, and all I want to do is run to him, but instead, I spin around and charge toward the bathroom to cry.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  RIVER

  Two years ago

  Spots dance around my eyes as my head throbs from the knot atop of it. The stench of cinnamon doesn’t do anything to help the pounding in my head or the roiling in my stomach. The unsettling smell belongs to my father, who is walking around my chair like a warden.

  “You ready to give in yet, princess?”

  For two days, I've been treated like my dad’s prisoner and nothing like a princess…that’s for sure. Though, the nickname isn’t thrown around any less.

  Two days ago, life was wonderful. Then it suddenly turned into the pits of hell. I’ve been working as a marketing consultant with a small firm and thought everything was going great, till my boss came in at two o’clock to tell me I was fired. There was no reason, but I needed to be let go. When I walked outside those double doors, still in shock, there stood my father, who I haven’t seen in months, glaring at me.

  I did the only thing I knew to do when I came face to face with him once again.

  I ran.

  I ran from my own father because my flight instinct took over, and for a good reason. But I didn’t get far. He caught up to me and rammed my head into the side of a brick building, knocking me out.

  When I came to, I found the reason for his wanting back into my life.

  It appears, according to my grandfather’s will, I have been left Dolson Investment and International Banking when I turn twenty-five years old. The kicker of it all states that my father will be forced out of the company, permanently. I’m not allowed under any circumstances as the CEO/owner to hire my father back.

  The whole reason my dad has gone AWOL from my life for so long is because he’s been busy disputing the will and trying to keep what was inside from me. There’s no way in hell my father was going to lose this company to me. Not to the daughter he despises. He thought he had the will figured out to his advantage, till he found out I was married to Jaxson, which put a damper on all his plans.

  My father discovered a loophole to the will. I can give the company to my husband or child, as long as they carry a business degree, and they can hire whoever they want, including my father. Thing is, he has to convince me to leave Jaxson and marry someone of his choice.

  He’s kept me in his house for the last two days, trying every angle to make me do so. For two days I’ve sustained his emotional abuse and wished it were physical.

  After he rammed me into the wall, he wouldn’t touch me again because the physical leaves the visual scars, evidence, and my father has learned emotional scars cut the deepest with me.

  "I'm not leaving him. Why can't you give up?"

  "Stupid girl. Do you not remember what happened to his father?"

  How could I ever forget? My dad framed his for embezzlement. Saying he stole a million dollars out of Dolson Investments and all because Tony Holden wouldn't follow through with his con once he discovered what he was doing.

  "I know,” I whisper.

  "Then you know the power I have, and I have no problems doing it all over again.” He drops a pile of papers in front of me. “But I know you are a proof kind of girl. Take a look.” I turn away. I don’t need to see. I’m sure he has a bunch of seedy plans laid out for his blackmail. “Look!” he roars, slamming his hand down on the pile. I lift the paper and pretend to read. “This time I would make sure not only Tony sees the inside of a cell, but your husband Jaxson as well. Then that leaves poor little Scarlet."

  "Leave her out of it."

  "Why? She’s the perfect leverage. If Tony and Jaxson go to jail there will be no money to their names because God knows the last time Diana worked. Your mom made sure that little girl was taken care of despite me trying to stop her, but it worked out for me because it was a good way to keep Tony’s mouth shut. So I didn’t put an end to it like I really wanted to after your mom killed herself. I used her damn good heart to my advantage. But I’ll take it all away... the insurance…the specialists, the doctors."

  "There’s plenty of programs to help kids."

  "Not if I can help it. And I can. And I will." He plops in the chair in front of me, crossing his feet out in front of him. Evil dances in his olive eyes. Sometimes I don’t know how he and I are cut from the same cloth. Besides the scars he has physically and mentally left on me, at least they haven’t damaged me enough to turn me into the vile person he is.

  "You’re sick. She’s a child. She doesn’t deserve any of this. "

  "Well, you're the one that can help save her. I bet you don’t know that her oncologist, Dr. Rashid, and I go way back, and I’m the one who found him for Scar? With a snap of my fingers that goes away. Plus, how do you think she'll feel if you took away her greatest support system. Take away another home from her?"

  "I’ll take care of them."

  "With what money?” he snorts. “You think I’ll leave you with a dime to your name? Try again."

  "Jaxson would understand."

  "He would hate you."

  "You don't know that."

&
nbsp; "I do. If his sister dies…who do you think he’ll blame? The person who could have stopped it. But it won’t matter because he’ll be in jail. And he’s a pretty boy. You know what they do to pretty boys in prison."

  "I hate you," I scream, and the monster before me just shrugs.

  “Yeah, well, I hate when my kid goes behind my back and marries some delinquent.”

  “I love him. Why can’t you let me be? Give the company to whoever you want. I don’t want it. I never did.”

  My grandfather knew this. I don’t understand why he would do this to me?

  “I know you don’t. Your grandfather wanted to make an example out of me. Blames me for what happened to your mother.” My eyes close as realization dawns over me. It all makes sense now. “You believe it too, don't you? You think I helped your mom wrap that noose around her neck?”

  “You didn’t wrap it, but you didn’t help her when she needed it. She wanted to get away from you, but you wouldn’t let her go.”

  “Hardly my fault. She shouldn’t have threatened to turn me in for what I did with Tony. Always trying to be a hero. Then she cried to your grandfather and tried to take the company away from me. But I wasn’t going to let that happen. I worked hard to bring Dolson Investments to where it is. I’ve done more than your grandfather ever did,” he snarls.

  Now I’m seeing why my grandfather did what he did with his will. He wanted to give my mom justice. My grandfather was way too sick to do anything while he was alive. He was bound to a bed for years, and barely had the strength to talk near the end, but he refused to step down as owner. It’s why my father ran the company, as he looked over.

  My dad grabs the back of my neck and pulls me to his face, and I’m met with the overpowering smell of cinnamon again, making me gag in his face. “I’m going to let you on a little secret. I did help push her.” He grins, truly grins, looking pleased that he drove a woman he claimed to love once over the edge.

  “What are you talking about?”

  He lays into his story of how he basically tortured my mom on a daily basis, and if I didn't listen to him, he would make sure I ended up meeting the same fate as my mother. He knows my weaknesses. I used to wear them on my sleeve. He went on and on about how he hated me and how worthless I was. How he’d make sure Jaxson would think I'm the same worthless shit.

  He has a video of someone who looks like me in an intimate embrace with another guy to make it appear as if I’m cheating. Along with pictures of a guy leaving the apartment that I share with Jax with timestamps of when he would be at work. By the end of all the sick details, I was losing my stomach contents on the floor.

  I thought of ways I could tell Jaxson—send a code to tell him that I don’t mean what I’m about to do, but my dad promised if he found out, he’d follow through with his plan…especially with Scarlet…who needs her treatment right now.

  I have to set Jaxson free. He needs to get away from the Graham name because no matter what, he’s doomed, along with his family if he stays with me.

  No matter what I do, no matter what I choose, it will be wrong, but for the sake of all our lives, I have to do this.

  “Rivs? What’s going on? Why are you packing?” Jax stands at our bedroom doorframe, his eyes looking wildly around the room as I continue to shove things into suitcases. The bedroom is in shambles, and I swear you can hear the sound of my heart shatter as I take in the sight of the man—the man who I love—whose heart I’m about to break.

  No. No. Why is he home?

  “What are you doing here?" I snap, trying to force some anger out towards him, trying to make this believable. He shouldn’t be here while I do this. I just wanted to leave a note and run, so I didn’t have to see his face. So, I didn’t have to try and act like this doesn’t bother me.

  "I live here. And I got a text from our neighbor that you were finally home. I’ve been worried about you. So, I’ll ask again why the fuck are you packing? Where have you been?" He steps into the room, picking up one of his thrown shirts along the way.

  “I’m leaving.” I look away from him and throw more stuff into my bag. All while my heart rips from my chest.

  “Leaving?” he whispers. “Why?”

  “I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m sorry.” The words come out flat as I suck down all my emotions. My dad is listening, he’s bugged the house, so I have to do this right.

  “Where the fuck is this coming from?” Jaxson steps in closer to me, and my body freezes. I want to mouth something to him, but I’m so paranoid I even think the walls have eyes now. Any wrong move will end up with someone getting hurt.

  “Me. I’m not happy. I don’t think I ever was.”

  “That’s fucking bullshit,” he yells. “Tell me what the hell is going on.”

  “I just told you. I’m not happy. I’m leaving. Deal with it.”

  “Deal with it?” he scoffs “Fucking deal with it?” He picks up a throw pillow and tosses it across the room, where it hits the blinds making them rattle. “You disappear for two fucking days, without a word. I called the hospital, the police. Then in the middle of the night, after being fucking panicked, after learning you got fired, I get a text from you, saying you need space? Time? Bullshit! But I guess I’m not good enough to lean on. After being worried sick about you for two days looking for you!” He inhales deeply, his face turning redder with each puff of breath. “Now, now you’re telling me you're leaving me, and you haven’t been happy? And to just expect me to fucking deal with it after everything?”

  I never sent a text, and it’s obviously my father already set up his plan nicely. The conniving bastard.

  “Yep,” I say simply. Tears start to run down my face. It hurts so bad. Please, Jaxson, see this isn’t what I want.

  “Is there someone else?” I shake my head, but I can’t say no. Maybe it would be best if he thinks the worst of me.

  “River! Tell me what the fuck is going on?” He grabs my shoulders, shaking me, trying to get me to look at him. But I can’t look at him. If I do, I’ll break. Then he’ll be at risk.

  Scarlet will be at risk.

  “I’m ending it. How much clearer do I have to be? We don’t work together. We should’ve never gotten together in the first place,” I snap, trying to refocus on the anger I feel for my father right now, and let it out on Jax.

  “You’re lying. You can’t even fucking look at me.”

  “No, I’m not.” My eyes jump to his, and I hold his gaze, knowing this might be the last time I ever stare into his hazels. The ones that used to look at me with adoration, the ones that used to cherish me, the ones I could get lost in forever, and it shatters me that I’ll never see those looks again.

  Swallowing down the heart wrenching realization once again, I push back my shoulders and spill out my most disgusting lie of all.

  “I’m not lying. I ran into my father after I got fired. He offered me this amazing opportunity to study abroad, then to take over Dolson Investments. I can’t do that with you. You’ll hold me back and stop me from doing it.”

  “Your father?” he roars, pushing me back. “Your fucking father?”

  “Yes. See how you're reacting now tells me you wouldn’t be down for it.”

  “You’re fucking cracked, River.” He shakes his head, pulling on his hair. “You’re telling me you want to go work for a man you’re terrified of?”

  “I’m not. I think he’s changed.” I swallow down the lie like a pile of piping hot lead. It burns all the way down and weighs even heavier on my heart. “It’s good money and a chance to take over my family’s legacy. My mom’s.”

  “That’s not what you want. I know it.”

  “Plans change, and I know you’ll hold me back because you don’t want me mixed up in that company. You said so yourself. I think we’ve changed. Ran our course. You have no future. You refuse to get a job in what you got a degree in so you can sit around and color on people all day.” He releases me, and his jaw ticks. I’ve now officiall
y hit an ignite button on us. “I can’t dump every opportunity I’m given to stay with you. I don’t’ want to see you anymore, Jaxson.” My voice cracks. It was impossible to say that without it choking me up.

  "Then why are you crying?" I turn my head unable to look at him any longer. "Look at me! If this was what you really want then you wouldn’t be fucking crying,” he presses.

  Fuck, I can’t do this.

  I find one of Jaxson’s shirts in the pile I’m packing and place it to my nose. Keep breathing. You got this. It’s almost over. I inhale his leftover scent on the shirt, trying to scar it to my permanent memory as I let out some more vile words. “I should’ve never wasted so much time with you. I’ve lost so much time.”

  “You’re a shit liar.”

  “I’m not lying. Why do you think I was gone for two days? I realized I didn’t want to be with you anymore. You weren’t supposed to be here when I left. Just leave me alone. Please,” I beg and throw his shirt to the ground.

  “If there is something going on, this is the time to tell me.”

  “There’s nothing going on. I never want to see you again.”

  “Then tell me you don’t love me anymore.”

  God no. No.

  “Jax,” I choke, ready to confess and pay the piper when my phone rings on the nightstand. My father’s name lighting up the screen, and my face goes white. A text appears next, telling me to finish the job.

  The pain is unreal. I'm about to be a puzzle broken up into a thousand pieces, about to be stored away for years, with one single piece missing, never to be found.

  The demons are hollering at me to do what my mom did and save everyone. My dad can’t win without me.

  Then just as I need it, my mom’s voice echoes through my subconscious….

  Keep fighting, River. Keep breathing, baby, you got this.

  “Well?” he barks.

  “I don’t love you anymore.” I slip my wedding band off my hand and place it into his. “Just forget about me, okay?”

  “At this rate, you're making it easy.”