Four Letter Feelings (The Jeremy Lewis Series Book 1)

by Lasairiona McMaster

  “That’s some real deep shit and tormenting shit right there, man.”

  AJ grinned and gulped down his orange juice, before answering. “Right? It’s why I’m with a psychologist and a psychiatrist. I just can’t handle the fact I’m such an epic failure and didn’t reach my dreams!”

  “Double whammy of docs, man. That’s hardcore.”

  “Bipolar Disorder,” he replied, picking up the last piece of bacon on his plate and popping it in his mouth.

  Jeremy cocked his head to the side and pursed his lips while his eyebrows pulled into a frown.

  What the fuck is Bipolar Disorder? Aw shit. Am I living with a crackpot? Am I gonna have to actually go find a new place to live? Mother fu—

  “Ha! I see that panic in those eyes, man. Don’t freak out. I’m not a psychopath or anything. I mean, at least not a dangerous one. Basically, I have a chemical imbalance in my brain. There are three main chemicals that control the brain’s functions: serotonin, dopamine and noradrenaline. If one or more of these are messed up, it can cause bipolar disorder.”

  He paused as the server brought his tea and he poured the boiling water over the tea bag, wrapping the string around the handle of his cup. Taking a sip, he cringed.

  “Drink tea, they say, it’s good for you, they say. Tastes like shit, I say! Bipolar disorder is characterized by extreme mood swings. The highs, mania, the lows, depression and episodes can last for days, weeks or months.”

  He lifted his gaze to Jeremy, and in that moment Jeremy’s breath stopped in his chest. This man was more vulnerable with him than Jeremy had ever remembered being with anyone. He could see the pain and fear of judgement in his eyes but also a glimmer of hope, likely hope that Jeremy wouldn’t think he was a freak and run for the hills. Jeremy swallowed the hard lump in his throat. “What are the symptoms?”

  Probably should know what I need to watch out for around the apartment if we remain roomies.

  “For the depression side, it’s pretty stereotypical to be honest. Lack of energy, I will often feel sad and worthless, irritable, even. I’ll have difficulty focussing on things and struggle to remember stuff. Some days I won’t want to eat. I’ll either struggle to sleep or sleep all the time. I’ll second guess myself to the worst degree… basically, Debbie Downer, and then some.”

  “Sounds rough,” Jeremy offered, sympathetically.

  AJ nodded, sadly. “On the flipside, if I’m in a manic swing, energy levels are often off the charts. I feel great, I’ll talk fast, I’ll move fast, I’m impatient and feel invincible. I still won’t sleep right, ʼcause I’m too busy for sleep. I still won’t eat right ʼcause it’s a waste of time and I have three thousand more important things to do. I get careless and irrational with things, so I’ll make decisions that aren’t really like me, or I’ll drop a ton of money I don’t have, on things I don’t need.”

  “Is there no in-between?” Jeremy wanted to tread carefully so as not to upset AJ and cause him to clam up. Jeremy was genuinely interested in the condition, but part of him was also wary and concerned that this guy he was sitting across from might be unhinged. He needed to understand what he was getting involved in before he committed to living with this man, who was still practically a stranger.

  “Meds help regulate the chemicals and keep me ‘normal’. The patterns aren’t always the same. You can rapid cycle, which is basically swinging repeatedly from a high to low phase without having a ‘normal’ period of time in the middle. Or you can have a mixed state, where you can technically have both depression and mania together – so you’ll be like, buzzing around with energy and doing a bunch of shit, but you’ll be depressed and suicidal. And the best bit is that sometimes I’ll have no fucking clue I’m in a swing.”

  “Fuck. This sounds awful, man. I’m sorry.” Jeremy took a sip of his forgotten about coffee.

  AJ met his gaze again, and Jeremy hoped his new friend didn’t see fear or hesitation any more. He hoped he felt better from having shared part of his history and was glad that AJ decided to share.

  “Mine isn’t as bad as it could be. I guess it’s technically mild to moderate if there’s a scale. I don’t hallucinate, or have psychosis and I can function ‘normally’ as long as I keep up with my meds and my doctors. If you don’t undergo treatment, though, manic periods can last up to like, six months, maybe? And depression can suck your soul out of you for like, a whole year.”

  “You say that like you know what it’s like.” Jeremy observed.

  “I do,” AJ answered quietly. “I’ve gone off my meds a few times. It’s not pretty.”

  Jeremy let out a long and slow breath. He didn’t want to pity AJ, but at the same time he found it hard not to, his life sounded like it balanced on a knife edge of doctors and medication.

  “It sounds exhausting, Pim.”

  “It is. But when I’m not doing all the right shit, it’s even more exhausting. If I eat right, sleep right and exercise regularly, that helps. Taking my meds, seeing my shrink and my psychiatrist regularly also helps. Anyways, that’s my deep dark secret. It’s the biggest skeleton in my closet and I figured I should probably put it out there, just in case you don’t want to live with a nutjob and would rather run for your life.”

  “Ok, wait, you’re not a nutjob. I admit I was a little afraid you were a nutjob before this exposition. However, having heard what you’ve said, I don’t think you’re a nutjob and I’ll give anyone who says you are, a matching bruise to the one you have.” He gestured to AJ’s lip with a tilt of his chin.

  “And secondly?”

  “Secondly, what’s life without a little adventure, right? I mean, is today gonna be the day you snap over me being a messy shit and stab me in my sleep? Who the fuck knows? I laugh in the face of danger!”

  “Damn.” AJ chuckled and ran his hand through his hair. “That’s dark, man.”

  “Can’t have light without darkness, roomie.”

  “Touché!”

  A laugh that he could have sworn sounded familiar caught his attention, but he dismissed it. That laugh lived in Iowa; he was sitting in Alabama and there was no chance that Chelsea Davis was anywhere near Alabama. Shaking it off with a roll of his neck, he caught a glimpse of curly, long chocolate-brown hair out of the corner of his eye and his breath stopped.

  Memories flashed back from the night before when he felt a nagging sensation in the back of his mind that he knew the woman glaring at him from across the bar.

  Chelsea fucking Davis, as I live and breathe.

  “Who is she?”

  “Huh?” Jeremy reluctantly turned his head back towards AJ.

  “Who. Is. She?”

  “I… well, she… I…”

  “Jesus Christ, Jer. Pick a word would ya?”

  “Chelsea,” he stammered.

  “And who, pray tell, is Chelsea?”

  “I am.” She raised a single eye brow and gave Jeremy a withering look. “Well, well, well. If it isn’t Jeremy Lewis!”

  Chapter 7

  Jeremy sat staring, mouth agape and eyes wide.

  “A rare occurrence! A sighting, twice in two days. I’m not sure if I should buy a lottery ticket, or a plane ticket. Are you stalking me?” Her voice was playful, and he could see that mischievous twinkle was still present in her eyes. She was as gorgeous as ever. Her thick, long, brown-black curls fell over her shoulders, her blue eyes sparkled and her clothes hugged her curves in all the right places.

  Damn, this woman is trouble.

  He swallowed and reminded himself to breathe.

  “Chelsea Davis, it’s been… wow, it’s been… a while,” Jeremy stammered, standing up from his chair and pulling her into an awkward hug.

  Shit, why does she hate me, again? What did I do? Why can’t I remember why she hates me?

  She replied with nothing but a scathing look that was somewhere between confusion and disgust as he sat back down.

  Yup, she hates me.

  “What are you doing here? I feel
like it might be you who is stalking, me,” he added, cooly.

  “In your fucking dreams, Jer.” She shoved him gently and smirked.

  “Fucking dreams, indeed.”

  “Ugh. You’re a pig. I’m in town to visit some friends who came out here for college — and I’m also here for work. They’re talking about moving headquarters here so I’ll be back and forth a little over the next few months. I figured I could mix business with pleasure and hang with friends. Though why they wanna move to this armpit of the nation, I have no idea, but I said I’d come scout some offices and see. Kinda hoping it’ll fall through, especially now that I’ve seen the lay of the land.”

  “I can certainly arrange for you to have the best lay in the land, Ms. Davis.”

  Amusement flickered across her face as he flashed her his winning and hopeful smile.

  “Again, I say, in your fucking dreams, Mr. Lewis.”

  “You wound me, Chels. Who wouldn’t want to have the best time of her life?”

  He glanced across the table at AJ who was clearly enjoying the verbal sparring between the two. Jeremy gave him a subtle ‘help me out’ nod of his head in the direction of Chelsea that was met with a ‘fuck no’ mouthed back at him.

  “A woman who knows what lies beyond the skills of your penis, Jeremy. That’s who.” She folded her arms across her chest.

  Uh oh.

  “You might have the reputation of being a whirlwind in the sack, but you leave a blazing trail of broken hearts in your wake. I didn’t want a broken heart when you played in Iowa, like my poor friend, Suzie, and I sure as hell don’t need one now. So, you can take all of this,” she gestured a hand in his direction, “and just give up. Your charms won’t work on me, Jeremy Lewis. I am surrounded by an impenetrable force field of ‘fuck all the way off’ and I won’t succumb to that boyish grin and washboard abs. I am a self-respecting woman and I don’t need your …” She huffed in frustration and gestured towards him again. “Just, knock it off, ok? I don’t need your penis to complete me.” She waved a dismissive hand.

  Jeremy spied a weakness in her resolve and pounced.

  “That may be so, Ms. Davis,” he said slowly, standing back up from the table and taking a step towards her. She didn’t move and sucked in a sharp, almost inaudible breath of air. “But you want my penis, I can see it in your eyes.” He took another step towards her; he could see a flush creeping into her cheeks as her breathing quickened and he could swear he saw her pulse hammering frantically at the base of her neck.

  “Someone needs to get his eyes tested,” she quipped.

  He leaned towards her so their faces were almost touching and his mouth so close to her ear that when he breathed, he could see her tremble ever so slightly. “I guess we’ll see,” he all but growled in her ear. He closed his eyes and breathed her in deeply, she smelled of vanilla beans and clementines.

  “Did you just sniff me, Jeremy Lewis?”

  Oh fuck, I really did just sniff her. What the hell is wrong with me?

  “Sniffing isn’t the only thing I’m going to do to you, Ms. Davis.” He fought the urge to pull her towards him so she was pressed against him and he could trail his tongue from the base of her ear down her neck and along her shoulder. The tension between them was tangible, he could tell she wanted him. The straining against his jeans was a painful reminder of how attractive he’d always found her, but he knew he’d have his work cut out with this beautiful and acerbic woman standing in front of him.

  Deciding to throw caution to the wind he placed a firm hand on her hip and pulled her towards him ever so slightly, so that she could feel his desire to do more than merely sniff her. The sound of her gasp stirred him and he smiled as her breathing got even quicker.

  “I’m a very persistent man, Ms. Davis.” Their foreheads were now touching and neither of them seemed to care that they were in a busy diner and surrounded by people.

  “You’ll have to work for it,” she practically purred in his ear, and the desire to bend her over their table and have his way with her where she stood, was overwhelming.

  “I’m not afraid of getting my hands dirty.”

  “Good,” she said simply, running her fingers down the side of his face and along his shoulder. “Because, if you truly do want to penetrate my… very, very Jeremy-Lewis-proof force field, I won’t make it easy for you.”

  He pulled his head back to look into her eyes but was distracted at her licking her lips like he was a piece of meat.

  Well, I definitely wanna penetrate something alright. Christ. This woman is trouble.

  “Have a good day, Mr. Lewis.” She nipped at his earlobe with her teeth, causing a feral noise to rumble somewhere deep within his chest before she turned on her heel and left him standing there, watching as she sashayed out of the diner. He attempted to subtly rearrange the bulge in his jeans, but it was pointless. Instead, he sat uncomfortably, knowing that his aching, blue balls would need tending to as soon as he got a moment alone. He rubbed his hands over his face and through his hair before blowing out a long and slow breath and shifting his weight in another attempt to get comfy. When he lifted his gaze, he saw that AJ was watching him, expectantly.

  “What?”

  “Dude. Don’t what me. You practically fornicated on my goddamn pancakes, man. What the fuck?”

  “She… I, Jesus.” He shook his head and tried again. “That woman is trouble,” he managed.

  “No shit, Sherlock. There’s history there, obviously. When she first came over, I thought she was going to incinerate you with that death glare of hers. I figured you’d broken her heart at some point or something. It was… intense.” He chuckled and shook his head. “Shit, man, I thought you were gonna just erupt into hot wild monkey sex right there on the table.”

  “Do you mean hot monkey sex that’s also wild? Or is it the monkeys that are wild?” Jeremy asked, grinning.

  “Nuh uh. No grammar police deflection. Dude. Spill.”

  “Fuck.” He rolled his neck and breathed deeply, recalling her scent of vanilla beans and clementines.

  “That woman does… things to me, man.”

  “I see this. Mr. Suave is all bent outta shape. I don’t claim to know you very well at all yet, Jer, but you definitely have a reputation that precedes you. This blethering idiot in front of me doesn’t at all match up with that reputation. Is it at all possible that you have four letter feelings for that woman, Jeremy Lewis?”

  “What? No! Of course not! I barely know her!”

  Jeremy pondered the question further as he stared out the window of the diner. The notion of being in love with a woman he barely knew was laughable, but there was no denying the effect she had on him. Thinking back over the short time they’d known each other during high school, Jeremy recalled a similar reaction then, too, but he had never known how to articulate it as a teenager. In fact, he still didn’t know how to articulate it other than to say she affected him like no other.

  “How do you know her?” AJ was clearly trying to pull conversation from Jeremy.

  “I played hockey in her hometown in Iowa. I roomed with her then boyfriend, Jeff and his family.”

  Aaand I had an instant head-over-skates crush on her.

  “Did you date her?”

  No, but I wanted to.

  Jeremy scowled. “Nah, man. Bros before… eh, y’know.”

  It was pretty damn tempting to try and steal her from him, but I managed to not be an asshole.

  “Beautiful women with more sass than you know what to do with?”

  “Yeah, that. She and Jeff were volatile, they weren’t well suited but they insisted on trying. She deserved better and I always kinda hoped she’d see what a douche he was and move on.”

  To me... I lived in hope she’d realize I was crazy about her. Always have been. But she never did.

  Regret pinched in his heart as he recalled the memories from that time. He’d always considered telling her how he felt, but he and Jeff were friends and
he didn’t want to break the Bro Code. When they finally broke up, Chelsea wanted nothing to do with Jeremy. He’d assumed she didn’t want any reminders of Jeff or how much of a douchebag he’d been to her.

  “When she did move on, she wanted nothing to do with me. I didn’t really understand why until about four minutes ago. I guess I broke Suzie-someone’s heart and that put her off me or something. I mean, she’s clearly heard about how fucking fantastic I am in bed, but seems she’s not down for a romp in the sheets and booty calls.”

  “Imagine that, Jer,” AJ drawled, sardonically.

  “I know, I know. What the hell did I know back then? I just wanted ass, man.”

  “Right, and you’ve totally grown out of that phase of adolescence.” AJ’s sarcasm was accompanied by an eye roll.

  “I think I could certainly grow out of that phase for that woman.”

  “What?” AJ gasped, feigning shock. “Jeremy the player hang up his well notched-belt and settle down? Shit, Jer. You do have it bad for that one.”

  I certainly have something bad for her. This raging boner just won’t quit.

  Jeremy had to at least admit to himself that she made him feel things that no one else had ever done before. Her laugh, her sparkling eyes, her scent, everything about her called to him. He wasn’t sure he liked it, but he also wasn’t sure how the hell to make it stop, either. He liked being in control and nothing about this woman made him feel as though he had any.

  Unfortunately, despite seeing the warning signs he couldn’t get her off his mind and felt an overwhelming need to see her again.

  That woman is trouble, Jeremy Lewis.

  Chapter 8

  “You sure you don’t need any help?” AJ asked as Jeremy climbed out of his car.

  “Nah, man. I’m sure. I don’t have much stuff and I need to move my rental car over to your place anyway. Go ahead and I’ll catch up with you, later, ʼkay?”

  AJ gave a salute as he pulled away from the pavement leaving Jeremy feeling an odd sense of pride standing in the sunshine outside his hotel. He’d made another big decision and felt good about it. Things were starting to come together.