Protagonized

by Shannon Myers

  I didn’t know what to do with the compliment. It was obvious by the way he was still swaying on his feet that he was impaired. Yet, a part of me wanted to think that he meant what he was saying.

  Instead of trying to dissect the hidden meaning in his words, I went for a safer topic. “When did you start feeling bad?”

  He slipped a hand into the front of his briefs to adjust himself and I wanted to applaud his efforts in wrangling the beast back to its cave. However, it didn’t seem like the most appropriate time.

  He backed up, using the wall for support. “I started feeling off when I got back to the room. Like really relaxed, but in a way that makes you think you might not wake back up if you fall asleep. And the room won’t stop spinning, but I haven’t had a drop of alcohol. I feel like I should just puke and get it over with, but I can’t.”

  So, it wasn’t quite the reaction I wanted after a guy made out with me.

  I got up and walked over to him. His eyes were heavy-lidded, but that wasn’t abnormal for him. I ran the back of my hand down his cheek and he let out a deep sigh.

  “If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were high,” I laughed and then froze. “Wait, were you eating the candy in my purse?”

  He groaned and shook his head. “No. I don’t want to tell you. It’s bad…like real bad…”

  Jake trailed off as I crossed my arms over my chest, inadvertently pushing my breasts up and together. I rolled my eyes. “Just tell me what you took so that we can fix this. Okay?”

  “It’s fine, Hayden. I’m feeling better now. It’s like it didn’t even happen. I’m just thirsty.”

  He was high, but how?

  I checked my purse on the way to grab him a water, but everything was right where it was supposed to be. To be as messed up as he was, he would’ve had to have eaten enough for me to notice.

  When I returned, he was staring down to the street below with his forehead pressed against the window

  “I can’t feel my face. I think all the blood is gone,” he grumbled, his breath fogging up the glass.

  I glanced down at his boxers. I had a few ideas as to where it had gone, but again, it wasn’t really the time or place.

  Me and my shitty luck.

  “Let’s get you into bed, big guy.” I handed him the bottle of water and pulled him toward the mattress. He drained the water as I tucked the blankets around him, just like he was a child.

  You know, if the child happened to be a foot and a half taller than me.

  “Water is so good, Hayden. It turns into blood when you drink it and then it flows back into the veins in your face. Did you know that?”

  I frowned. “I’m not quite sure that’s how it works.”

  He closed his eyes and I waited until his breaths became even before going into the bathroom. I wet a washcloth and laid it across his forehead. At some point, he’d kicked a leg out from under the blankets, letting it dangle near the floor. Probably to stop the room from spinning.

  I’d hoped we’d go out to dinner and explore the city some, but I’d have to settle for room service. That brought me back to what he would’ve eaten—I knew he didn’t smoke it. He hadn’t left my side for more than a few minutes at a time. The entire hotel was a ‘smoke-free’ zone, so he hadn’t had time to run out for a quick blunt with his homies.

  I giggled at the image and reached out to put my hand on his chest, feeling the soft rise and fall of each breath.

  “I stole something from you,” he murmured without opening his eyes.

  “You did? What was it?”

  My heart?

  My sanity?

  He brought his arm up to rest under his head and looked over at me. “There were these cupcakes they passed out when you went to the bathroom. I was going to save it for you; the event organizer was adamant that they were for authors only, but I was fucking starving—”

  “So, you ate it. All the other authors had cupcakes too?” The wheels started to turn in my head. Unfortunately, it was taking Jake a lot longer to reach the same conclusion.

  He nodded. “I’m pretty sure they did. I thought if you never knew about it, then you couldn’t get mad.”

  I sat up and faced him. “You realize what this means, right?”

  His eyes drifted down toward my breasts again. “I’m sorry, what was the question?”

  “You’re such a guy,” I sighed. “I’ll put on a shirt.”

  “Don’t.” His hand moved to cover mine. “I like seeing that cattoo. I wanna put my mouth on it. Wait, what does it mean that I ate your cupcake? Is it a euphemism?”

  I stared dumbly at our hands joined together. This connection somehow felt more intimate than his mouth on mine had.

  I blinked slowly and tried to focus. “The cupcake was laced with something—I’m going to guess weed based on your symptoms.”

  He closed his eyes again and nodded. “Makes sense. Is this what being high is like?”

  I laughed. “You’ve never been high before?”

  “Never. There’s something you didn’t know about me. Are you surprised?” His thumb traced along the inside of my wrist as he talked, lulling me into a dream-like state.

  “Very. I guess I just assumed you had. Being high is like— well, it’s like nothing can bring you down. Your mind is focused, and things just make sense. But, that’s not what you are, my friend. You are beyond high because you were given too much; which brings me to my next point. You said that cupcake was meant for me.”

  Jake opened one eye and peered at me through the narrow slit. “And? You want me to feel guilty? Because I do. I shouldn’t have eaten the damn thing and I’d be feeling fine right now and you—Jesus!”

  He sat up with a jolt, flinging the washcloth across the comforter.

  “I see that you finally put two and two together over there,” I noted dryly.

  “Hayden, it would’ve killed you!” He was breathing like a bull ready to charge. Every muscle in his body had gone rigid.

  Not that one.

  I checked.

  I tried to pull my hand free as his grip had tightened considerably in the last few moments, but he wouldn’t budge. “I doubt that I would’ve died. I have a pretty high tolerance. I probably would’ve just slept it off.”

  Jake’s nostrils flared and he shook his head. “Son-of-a—” He ran his free hand over his face. “I’m supposed to be keeping you safe!”

  I squeezed his hand. “Stop. You did keep me safe… by eating all the drugs yourself.” My teeth sank into my bottom lip and I grinned up at him.

  He didn’t return the smile. In fact, his eyes had gone dark and intense, giving me the impression that he was about to murder someone.

  He shook his head. “Don’t make that face at me, Hayden.”

  “What face?”

  “That one. You’re still doing it,” he groaned.

  I looked over his shoulder at my reflection in the window. “I don’t know what the problem is. I’m just making a normal face.”

  “No, it’s not. That face makes me want to strip those sexy panties off of you and finish what we started. I’ve thought a lot about it, and I’m willing to bet that you make that same face when I’m deep inside of you.”

  His fingers traced up the side of my arm before coming to rest against my hair. He took the strands and wrapped them around his fist, lightly tethering me to him.

  For a few seconds, I was frozen solid; imagining what it would be like to not worry about the consequences. Who cared if we couldn’t stand each other in the morning?

  Oh, wait.

  I did.

  Right now, Jake wanted me. A quick glance down had confirmed that. But, tomorrow morning, he’d be sober and back in professional mode. I wasn’t going to be accused of drugging his food just to get laid.

  I pushed my cheek up against the hand holding my hair and shook my head. “We can’t and you know it. We made a deal and as much as I want to say yes— believe me, I do— I don’t want to complicate t
hings. I’m sorry.”

  I was sorry too.

  It had been years since I’d been close to a man and when I had what had to be the sexiest one alive throwing himself at me, I’d turned him down. Not once, but twice.

  “Fair enough. If you change your mind, I’ll be right here, somehow getting more high. Does it come and go in waves? I don’t think I want to go any higher.” Jake laid back against the pillows again, pulling me along with him.

  “Maybe you’re metabolizing some of it?” We were still holding hands, each of us laying on our side facing the other. It was nice.

  Jake closed his eyes for a second and nodded. “It’s multicomplying in my body. I’m more fucked up than I was an hour ago.”

  I thought back to an hour before when he’d been waltzing around the room with his dick hanging out of his pants. “Oh, I don’t know that you are.”

  He closed his eyes again. “Lay here with me for a second?”

  I mock-sighed, “I guess I’ll cancel that hot date I had planned and stay here to take care of you.”

  His eyes remained closed, but he smiled. “Good. That guy was all wrong for you anyway.”

  “And how would you know?” The playful banter between us was safe. Familiar even. Territory I could easily navigate.

  It was when Jake started telling me that I was gorgeous or describing the ways in which he’d like to defile my body that I felt unsteady.

  I didn’t know what to do with him when he was nice to me.

  “He’s not me. Simple as that.”

  And we were back in no-mans-land. We slipped into silence and I was bordering on that fine line between consciousness and dreaming when he spoke again.

  “You lied to Aaris.” He opened his eyes when I didn’t respond and elaborated. “You convinced her that you’re a vegetarian, but you’re not. Why?”

  A strand of hair fell over my eyes and he reached up to tuck it behind my ear. The scent of him filled my lungs and muddled my thoughts.

  “I don’t know, Jake,” I sighed. “It was a long time ago.”

  “Yeah, but you did the same thing with Damien from the coffee shop.”

  He said all of it as a casual observation, yet I couldn’t help but feel defensive. “What are you saying— that I’m a liar? That I can’t be trusted?”

  His fingers lingered in my hair. “I’m saying you’ve wasted all this time writing for other people— trying to change your story to fit the narrative they set. Well, fuck them. It’s time to write for you. What’s your story, Hayden?”

  I propped my head up on my fist and deflected. “What’s yours?”

  Jake let go of me and rolled onto his back. “Come here. The room’s spinning again.”

  I curled up against his side and rested my head on his chest. His fingers moved back to the nape of my neck and I realized that I didn’t need the mantra necklace to feel zen as fuck; just his hands in my hair.

  “You said that I joined the police academy after I lost my parents, but my parents are still alive. Truth is, they sent me away when I was a teenager. I was an epic fuck up. I’d been arrested twice— once for burglary and the other for possession of alcohol by a minor.”

  His chest rumbled against my cheek as he dismantled everything I thought I knew about him.

  He shifted against the mattress. “My old man wasn’t having it. Said he was sending me to military school. We came to blows in the garage. Being a former Marine, he kicked my ass, and off I went. Now’s the part of the story when I should say that my parents changed my life for the better with their decision or that it brought us closer, but it didn’t happen.

  “I was still just as angry when I graduated as I was when I went in. He thought he could ship me off and let someone else deal with all my problems. Like it was too much for him. Went and joined the academy and still, to this day, I’ve been waiting for him to tell me that I’ve made him proud.”

  What was I supposed to say after that? That we were kindred spirits? That I understood what it was like to be a disappointment to your parents? Rage coursed through my veins, but I choked on uncertainty.

  How could his parents not be proud of him? He’d done amazing things as a police officer.

  If I told him what it was like growing up in Reid’s shadow, would he understand or just see it as me competing with his pain? His face remained impassive, so I reined my anger and sympathy in and just held on to him.

  Jake continued to stare up at the ceiling. “Thing is, I could’ve gone back to what I’d been doing before. I’d picked up a few things that would’ve made me hard to catch. In the end, I decided that I was going to make something of myself, in spite of him. And if the day ever came that I was a father, my son would know how much he meant to me, no matter what shit he got into.”

  We lay there in silence and I thought about how my parents and Jake’s weren’t all that different. Reid had been their golden boy, unable to do anything wrong, while I’d always been a bit of a letdown.

  “Did you always want to be a writer?” Jake asked as he continued to massage my scalp.

  “No. I didn’t really know what it was growing up. I guess I thought that everyone had stories in their head. It never really seemed like anything other than a hobby.” I yawned and looked up at him. “I’m going to turn the light off and get some sleep. Will you be okay?”

  He nodded, watching me with that unreadable expression again.

  The events of the day had left me exhausted and confused and in need of a dip in the ice machine down the hall. I flipped the switch, plunging us into darkness before he could see the tears that had suddenly appeared in my eyes. Jake pulled my body back over to his, draping my arms and legs around him like a blanket.

  I drifted off to the sounds of the traffic on the streets below, only to be woken by his lips pressed against the corner of mine. It was brief; there one minute and gone the next.

  Just like every good thing between us.

  Nineteen

  “Baker checked out,” Jake said by way of greeting as he sat down in the vinyl chair next to mine.

  I looked up from my laptop and checked the digital sign to ensure our flight was still on schedule before turning my attention to him. “No one else got sick?”

  He took a swig from his bottled water. “Not one, which makes me think that the cupcake was switched out. I still can’t figure out how they ensured that it got to your table though.”

  I went back to Jessa’s story, my mind still mulling over what little information we did have. Instead of a late brunch and some last-minute sightseeing, we’d spent hours going over surveillance footage and interviewing potential witnesses before rushing to the airport.

  Jake was still convinced that I would’ve ended up in the hospital had I eaten the cupcake, but that was what bothered me. This person had been savvy enough to sneak a weed-laced cupcake into the ballroom, but hadn’t chosen something more potent?

  Out of every poison out there—arsenic… cyanide—they’d chosen weed? It was less how to get away with murder and more a study in how to become a massive inconvenience.

  “How are you feeling?” I asked while keeping my eyes on the keyboard.

  Nonchalant.

  Casual.

  He continued draining the bottled water before offering a gruff, “Fine.”

  I’d woken up feeling like we’d turned a corner and moved through my morning asanas with a clear head and a smile on my face.

  That is, until Jake appeared in the room, looking nothing like a man who’d been drugged out of his head the night before.

  He’d come to a stop in front of me as I held Wide Leg Forward Fold before making a rough sound of disapproval and looking away.

  “You wanna get some clothes on, Hayden? We’ve got a lot to get done this morning.”

  Last night, he’d wanted me in nothing but my underwear, but given the fact that he’d looked at me like I’d just run over his grandmother, that opinion had changed.

  It’d been
naïve to think that we’d be friends just because he let his guard down with me. We’d just gone straight from the stadium parking lot to second base, leaving me keyed up and hopeful that things would be different.

  It had been merely a fluke.

  A lapse in judgment.

  After that, he’d disappeared from the room while I dressed and had been avoiding me ever since.

  I patted the arm of his chair. “Do you want to talk about it?”

  “Talk about what, Hayden?” He kept his eyes on the cell phone in his hands. Obviously, we were playing the same game—don’t let the other person know you care about the subject being discussed. Whatever you do, keep your eyes averted.

  I picked at a rip in my jeans. “Last night. I just thought that—”

  He cut me off. “Yeah, let’s not do the whole ‘discuss our feelings bullshit.’ I was stoned. Now, I’m better. End of story.”

  Ceasefire over.

  I fell silent again, digging my finger into the hole and watching the material fray.

  Jake’s leg bounced up and down before he stood up. “Are you hungry? I’m hungry. I’m just gonna grab some food.”

  I looked back up at the sign. “They’re about to start boarding.”

  He pursed his lips and nodded. “Yeah, I’ve got time.”

  I spent the next twenty minutes wiping microscopic pieces of dust from my keyboard while watching the arrivals and departures board for the slightest change. When that didn’t work at distracting me, I checked my horoscope.

  Most of the time it's good to have strong opinions and be independent and willful, Libra. There are other times when your attitude pushes people away. There's a stubborn yet sensitive attitude in your world of romance that may be difficult for you to deal with. Perhaps you're taking a more rational approach to things while your loved one is taking a more emotional one.

  Stubborn, yet sensitive? If that wasn’t a perfect description of Jake.

  When they began boarding and Jake still hadn’t reappeared, I began to worry. I gnawed at my lower lip and looked around before packing up my laptop. He knew when the flight was leaving and said he’d be back.