He held her hand as she sat down, yet she refused to release it, as she gazed up into his stunningly handsome face, searching over his features in order to memorize them for future reference when she was all alone in this world with no hand to cling to.
When he saw the look on her face, he knelt down beside her, and took her other hand in his. “What is the matter, Eleanor?” he begged. “Why are you looking at me like that? You look frightened. I am not scaring you, am I?”
“No, no, of course not. You could never scare me. It must be the way the light hit my eyes. I was just thinking of how kind you are,” she said, at last.
“That is not what it looked like,” he informed her.
“And how much I will miss you, when you finally leave.”
“I will never leave, unless you insist I go,” he promised. “So how can you ever miss me?” he smiled, allowing a dimple to appear in his cheek, as he tilted his head looking into her worried eyes.
“You cannot remain indefinitely. You have a business to attend to, and soon I will be…” She didn’t finish.
“You let me worry about my business,” he insisted. “So just enjoy my company and don’t worry about missing me. I would miss you as well, if I ever had to leave. I hope that will never be necessary,” he said quietly.
He could feel her hands trembling in his, and he gave her a reassuring smile, and then sheltered her against his shoulder, until he felt her calm. “Now, you just let me take care of worrying, and you take care of recovering completely,” he directed, and then rose to fetch the basket.
Eleanor could not refrain from feeling an emptiness, the moment he left her side, and realized how difficult it was going to be, when she finally did leave to strike out on her own. She would have to make sure he never discovered where she was, she told herself firmly.
Sebastian returned with the basket, and began lifting the food from within it’s wicker protection. There was cheese, and grapes, and muffins, along with slices of ham, and small garden tomatoes. He produced the wine bottle, and Eleanor could not pull her eyes away from it, as she remembered…”
Sebastian filled their glasses and handed her one, and she toyed with it, trying to decide if she should even drink it or not.
Sebastian was lifting his glass to his lips, watching her intently. “Is there something wrong?” He paused in the middle of his sip. “You do not like the wine?”
Eleanor smiled, and tipped her glass up, trying to be brave, hoping she did not do anything outrageous, as her unexplainable behavior with Percy filled her head. It must have been the wine that had made her act with such abandon, she concluded. All those years of holding men at a distance, and then suddenly allowing Percy to have his way with her? It was so out of character, she thought.
Percy had planned to use her from the beginning, and then for some reason changed his mind, and decided to offer for her after all. He had planned to get her drunk on their picnic, and she remembered how he had kept filling her glass. But that was water under the bridge now. What was done was done, and nothing she could do would ever change it.
She thought of how she had trusted Ned, and he had tricked her as well. It made her wonder why she even trusted Sebastian? Was he like all other men? According to Ned, he had a woman in every port, so certainly he knew how to seduce women. In a way he was seducing her into liking him, only he didn’t seem to be in a big hurry to take advantage of her the way Percy had, or Ned… Yes. Ned had every intentions of luring her into Sebastian’s cabin, and then trying to use her. Trying…? He apparently had succeeded. The thought of it was even worse than thinking of Percy, because she hadn’t known what he had done with her during the time she lay there unconscious. But at the same time she could not deny that it didn’t take a lot of imagination to conclude what he had done.
“You seem to be lost in thought,” Sebastian said softly, and Eleanor shook her head to clear her mind of the things she had been dwelling on.
“Yes, I was, a little,” she admitted. “I was just regretting mistakes I have made in my life, and am determined to be more careful in the future.”
“Everyday is a new day. Do not fret about the past, just look forward to the future,” he suggested.
“Yes, to the future,” Eleanor smiled, lifting her glass.
“To our future,” he amended.
Eleanor began to pick at her food, to distract her mind. She had become so thin, since it had hurt to eat in the beginning, and then she seemed to have lost her appetite, once she started to recover.
“If you don’t start eating more, you are going to waste away to nothing,” Sebastian scolded. “Please try to eat more, so you can start gaining back your weight.”
“I suppose I should, or none of my clothes will fit me any longer, and I would hate to have my uncle feel obligated to get me more clothes.”
“He would not have to spend a penny on you. I would gladly get you anything you required. Or wanted, for that matter,” Sebastian offered.
“I could not expect you to…”
“I would insist,” he told her, as he reached out a hand and placed it on her arm. “I do not wish to overwhelm you, but I am prepared to do anything for you, Eleanor to show you my true feelings for you.”
“Then don’t do anything for me, if you really care. I would feel too embarrassed, otherwise.”
“You make it very hard for me to…”
“I will probably be leaving, as soon as I am completely recovered,” she informed him, “so don’t waste your time and money on me,” she admonished.
“Leaving? But where will you go? And why must you leave?”
“I cannot be a burden on my uncle forever, and his demand was that if I chose not to marry you, I would have to get a position someplace.”
“Never! Just marry me and have done with it,” he demanded, pulling against her arm, and looking at her with pained eyes.
“But I can’t. I told you that. I cannot marry anyone. I had never planned to. I am sure you are aware of my reputation.”
“But there is no rhyme or reason for it. I know the fact that you have no name or fortune has been a drawback in attracting anyone of society to offer for you, but I don’t care about your name, or fortune. I told you that. I know you are fond of me, or you would have sent me packing a long time ago, so what is holding you off?”
“I cannot tell you. I will never tell you, so just take my word for it, I am not the woman for you, regardless of how much you want me, or how fond of you I have become.” She bowed her head, but then felt his finger under her chin, lifting her face to force her to meet his eyes.
“I don’t just want you, Eleanor. I need you. I love you…”
“Shhh. Don’t even say the words. They are only words, and I do not want to hear them.”
“Someone has hurt you with those words, haven’t they? Perhaps it was Percy, since he insisted you were promised to him.”
“It doesn’t matter. I cannot love anyone, least of all you, so don’t waste your pretty words on me.”
“Then I won’t waste words,” he breathed, and leaned nearer to her, capturing her lips with his. The softness of his kiss went through Eleanor like a welcome beacon in the middle of a storm, and though she wanted to pull away, his touch seemed to engulf her. Not only engulf her, but hold her captive, without his even holding her to him.
She found herself returning the kiss, against her will, and berated herself for being so wanton, after what had happened with Percy. Was she that easy to melt to a man’s touch, she cursed? As the kiss grew deeper, she abruptly pulled away.
“I think it is time to go,” she stammered as she rose to her feet.
Sebastian jumped up beside her and grabbed her hand. “Please, if I have stepped out of bounds, forgive me. I couldn’t resist, for I have dreamed of kissing you, from the first moment I laid eyes on you. Just don’t order me to leave over this,” he begged.
“I don’t think anyone could order you to do anything,” she whis
pered. “Least of all me.”
“You are wrong in that. Your least request would be my command. If you say the word, I will leave, but if not, it will at least give me a glimmer of hope.”
“I do not wish to torture you, by requesting you remain, though I am not ready to lose you quite yet. You have been my strength, and my friend. I just cannot commit to marrying you.”
“So you want me to stay, but you don’t truly want me?”
“You are wrong in that,” she whispered. “I truly want you. I just can’t have you.” She turned and stumbled to the buggy, starting to climb up, but he was at her side, capturing her in his arms, and turning her to him.
“You could have me,” he rasped, as he crushed her to him, and covered her mouth with his again.
Eleanor allowed the kiss. She drowned in it, in the same way she had almost drowned in the ocean, but she had been saved from drowning in that instance, by Sebastian. Now she must muster the strength to save herself in this instance. Slowly, she pulled away, using all her will to prevent herself from clinging to him, promising him anything, in order to remain there in his sheltering arms. But the thought of his rejection of her, once he truly knew the kind of person she had become, through desire and deception, was the only shield that saved her from making a complete fool of herself again.
“No, I cannot have you,” she insisted, and stepped up into the buggy.
Sebastian retrieved the blanket and basket and put them under the buggy seat, and then climbed up himself. “If what you say is true,” he said in a low voice, “you will not be able to hold me off forever. Therefore I will remain, no matter how painful it may feel, to have you so near and yet so far away. You will discover, that I am dedicated to you, Eleanor, regardless of your claims that you could never marry me. Eventually you will discover that you can trust me, no matter what it is that you fear. What ever it is that holds you off could never change my feelings for you.”
Oh, you say that now, Eleanor groaned to herself, but I know better. A fallen woman, is a fallen woman, and any man with any ounce of pride would never want one for his wife. “I thank you for thinking so,” she said in a small voice.
“I love you, Eleanor. I will always love you,” he whispered in a strained rasping voice.
Percy had said the same, she thought, and yet he was the one who had ruined her for any other man. But now she was discovering that she had not felt the same way when she was with Percy, as she felt now when she was with Sebastian. With Percy, she felt a certain desperation. A need to give in so she could convince herself that she would be happy marrying Percy. Sebastian had given her time to get to know him. With Sebastian she felt true gratitude, mixed with desire. More than gratitude and desire, she decided. It must be love. The very thought shook her, and frightened her. Love was an enemy she did not know how to face, or deal with.
She stole a quick glance at Sebastian as he guided his horses back towards her home. Taking in his wavy dark hair and intense green eyes. He was taking her back to a home she would not remain at for very long, she decided. She had to escape before it was too late. He was right, she could not hold out against him forever, and once she gave in, it would be the end of everything.
She would rather leave him, while he was under the illusion that the woman he thought he loved was who he actually thought she was, than to have him discover the truth, and live through seeing the disgust he would feel for her, once he really discovered her downfall. As long as she could remember that look of love in those green eyes for her, it would sustain her, she decided.
Sebastian noticed her appraisal of him, and turned his head, slowly, catching her dark eyes with his green ones. His heart went out to her, because she looked so sad. So pitifully sad, and she would never reveal to him why. How could he convince her that he didn’t care about anything except just having her as his wife? What could be so horrible, that she refused to allow him to know? But short of kidnapping her and forcing her to marry him, there was nothing he could do about it. At least she had not insisted he leave, and that was the only life preserver he had to cling to at the moment.
CHAPTER NINE
“I am so very honored you have come,” Brenda confided, as she and Eleanor strolled together out on the patio, while the rest of the guests were in the drawing room, waiting to be called into dinner. “We were all so worried about you, especially Percy. He was beside himself with grief. I know how much he loves you, Eleanor. You have broken his heart. He gave up so much to try and straighten out the mess he made of his life, up until now, in order to be worthy of you. Are you sure you will not change your mind about him?”
“I am not the marrying kind,” Eleanor murmured. “I have known it for a very long time now. I don’t have the desire to have a husband, and I am certain I can fair on my own. But I do appreciate what Percy tried to do, only it was just a little too late to make any difference.”
“I do not believe that,” Brenda balked. “Percy told me you had accepted his offer, so you thought you were the marrying kind, when he called on you, and offered for you. Something has happened to change your mind. Don’t tell me it is Sebastian, who has turned your head. Surely you would want to marry into family, and eventually fortune, when Percy inherits.”
“No, I had changed my mind, long before I met Sebastian,” Eleanor tried to keep her voice from shaking when she mentioned his name.
“Was it because you thought Percy had abandoned you? He had not planned to be away so long, or he would have informed you. It is all a huge misunderstanding. You should reconsider, and forgive him,” she begged.
“I have forgiven him,” Eleanor told her truthfully. “I just do not want to marry him, or any man, including Sebastian.”
“But Sebastian would be your next best choice…” Brenda looked astonished, as she appraised Teddy’s cousin with some marvel. How could the woman contemplate a life of spinsterhood, with no man to look out for her, especially when she had no fortune to speak of?
“That is neither here nor there,” Eleanor responded. “I have made up my mind, so there is no going back on that decision.”
“You are a foolish woman. I pity you.” Brenda lowered her eyelids, wishing there was something she could do to change the woman’s mind. Eleanor did not know what she was creating for herself with the bleak future of solitude. “Well, I suppose we should join the rest of my guests. Dinner should be served shortly, and I am the hostess, after all, and must make sure everything is progressing as it should. By the way, do put in a good word for me to your cousin, Teddy. I do find him rather dashing.”
“As do all the women,” Eleanor smiled.
“I heard rumors that he pines for you, and refuses to even entertain the thought of courting a woman. I am told he proposes to you regularly,” she tried to stifle her envy for this beautiful woman, whom her cousin loved, right along with Teddy, Sebastian, and every other man who came near her. And yet the crazy woman held them all off like the plague.
“He tells me he is attracted to you, so I am sure you have a chance with him. His proposals to me are a mere joke between us. He knows he could never marry me, even if I consented,” she laughed.
“Then I shan’t worry,” she smiled, as they entered the French doors that led into the drawing room. “I have put Nelly next to Percy. I understand she is rather shy, according to what Teddy says, and since he has come to your place in the effort to visit you, he was able to become acquainted with your cousin, so I thought she would feel more comfortable sitting next to someone she already knew.”
“That was very thoughtful of you,” Eleanor nodded
“You will be between Sebastian and Dutton. I hope you don’t mind. Dutton requested to be seated next to you for some reason.
“I shouldn’t be surprised. He has reasons to want to be a thorn in my side, and sitting next to me during dinner would accomplish that.” Eleanor looked hastily about the room, until her eyes lighted on Dutton who was staring at her with unabashed interest.
“If you would rather me change his placing…”
Eleanor waved her hand in dismissal of the offer. “I am sure it would not make any difference. He would just find some other way to pester me.”
“I did not even want to invite him, but Percy insisted. I just don’t understand it, since I don’t think they were ever real close friends. Percy owed him a good deal of money through gambling, and I understand there was a matter of his hunter and Percy’s grays, which had something to do with you. But I heard that was all resolved, so I thought they had become close friends,” Brenda informed her.
“Well, Percy knows how I feel about Dutton. Perhaps it is his way of getting back at me over turning him down. I did not want to come, but Teddy was so set on it, since Percy asked him to discuss it with me, seeing as how I have not spoken to Percy since… well, it makes little difference. I am here. I am sure this is Percy’s way to extend his friendship, in spite of my refusal of him.”
“Yes, that is what he wishes the most. To at least remain your friend,” Brenda agreed. “There is the dinner bell now, we should all adjourn to the dinning room.
As she spoke, Dutton came up beside Eleanor and took her arm. “Allow me to walk you in,” he said with a sly smile, that Eleanor did not like the looks of. He tilted his head towards her ear, as he held her back a bit from the rest of the guests heading for the dinner table. “I must talk to you in private later,” he told her. “It is of great importance,” he added.
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