Awaken

by Katie Kacvinsky

  “Oh,” Scott said mockingly. “I’d hate to see your dad in jail.” His face held a sarcastic smile that made my hands ball into fists. “Justin’s been trying to track you down. A couple months ago we finally traced the traffic of your profiles back to Corvallis and realized the hacker came from inside the Freeman family itself.” He chuckled to himself and looked at me with half-lidded eyes.

  “What’s the phrase?” he asked me. “‘Sweet irony’?”

  “Why don’t you get to the point?” I shot back.

  He took his time. “We investigated you and your mom but we assumed it was your older brother that stole the files. Not that a girl couldn’t pull that off, but we just didn’t expect it since your brother’s a computer engineer. Then we realized he lives in L.A., which is what confused us. So Justin made plans to meet you in person to figure out who was behind all this.”

  “Well, congratulations on cracking the case. Why don’t you tell me what you want?” Scott smiled at my blunt attitude but his eyes were still hard.

  “We need inside information that is only accessible on your father’s mainframe computer, which you can obviously hack into. Justin thought if he got through to you, you’d eventually help us.”

  “What makes you think I can still access any of his files?”

  “You got it once. I believe you could do it again, if it was important enough to you.”

  As I listened to Scott, realization began to sink in. Justin wasn’t recruiting me to train me. He was using me to get to my father. They knew I aided in one rebellion and assumed I’d be easy to persuade again. It was easy enough for them; they didn’t have to live with the consequences. And if they wanted to take down digital school, they were right. I was the perfect person to do the dirty work. I was the key they were looking for.

  “Let me get this straight. You guys have all been pursuing me just to get to my dad?” I refused to meet Justin’s gaze, but I could sense him watching me out of the corner of my eye. His body was rigid against the wall. It all made sense now. If Justin’s time was so valuable, it would take a monumental reason for him to invest so much of it in a single person. Apparently, I was that monumental reason. I was his little business investment. And I dared myself to believe that finally someone cared about me, that these were my first, real friends. I swallowed and felt a cold chill run over my body.

  Scott stopped pacing and faced me. “If we’re serious about leading a reform to stop digital school that has some backbone behind it, we need your dad’s connections. We need names and files and contact lists. He has the technology available to contact every member, student, and teacher of the digital school system simultaneously. It would be nice to obtain that listserv.”

  I glared back at him, since these were the same files I hacked into when I was fifteen. The same information that landed me with a lifestyle similar to house arrest.

  The room was silent. You couldn’t hear a breath or a movement, as if everyone was sitting on the edge of their seats, waiting for the verdict.

  “We want you to join our side, for a cause we know you believe in,” Scott said. “We’re the good guys and you know it. We want people to have a choice and we’re not going to back down, ever. But it would make our job a lot easier if you’d commit to helping us.”

  Justin’s voice filled the air and it made me wince because it was cold and hard. “Maddie, we need your help. We’ve come a long way, but we hit a dead end. You’re the catalyst we need to get this going,” he said.

  “That’s right,” I said, and narrowed my eyes at him. “I’m your little investment.”

  I looked down at the ground and shook my head. After the bombing, I witnessed the havoc my mistake had on my family. I knew it was too high of a price to pay.

  I met Scott’s eyes and crossed my arms over my chest. Every eye in the room was on me. “My dad still gives me lie detector tests,” I said. I could hear my voice echoing off the walls. “Now it’s only every six weeks. It was every day for three months, just to make sure I felt guilty for what I did. To make sure I wasn’t working with any of the protesters again. I had to go through counseling for a year. If I screw up one more time, that’s it. I’ll get arrested. Asking me to go behind his back again is asking me to choose you over my family. I can’t do that.”

  Clare broke in. “But they forgave you, Maddie. They can’t stay mad at you forever. It might be hard at first, you might have to stay away for a while but they’ll forgive you. They might even thank you someday,” she pleaded with me.

  I glared angrily at her. “I really doubt they will thank me for betraying them. I doubt my dad will thank me for trying to take down a system he’s worked his entire life to build.” I shook my head firmly. “I can’t do it. I’ll support you, I believe in what you’re doing, you’re right about that, but you’re asking me to destroy my family.”

  Scott threw his hands down with impatience. “Then you’re worthless to us.”

  “I’m worthless?”

  “We have plenty of supporters. But we’ve hit a brick wall. The only way to break it down is to get into your father’s files. That’s the only reason Justin wasted his precious time to find you. Do you think he has time to go around and make friends? We work night and day at this job. We don’t have time for friends. We’re committed to this cause. So you’re either in one hundred percent or you’re out.”

  “Well I won’t keep you in suspense. I’m out.” I turned and felt my eyes burn as I slammed the door shut behind me. The stairs were difficult to see through a blur of tears but I took them two at a time. I stumbled out the front doors and when I got down to the sidewalk I heard a voice I simultaneously loathed and loved.

  “Maddie?”

  I ignored him and lengthened my strides but I could hear him catching up to me.

  “Would you wait a minute?”

  “You’re a little late, Justin,” I yelled over my shoulder. He grabbed my arm when he caught up and tried to turn me around, but I yanked it back and kept my eyes forward, concentrating on the train stop ahead of me.

  “Look, I was going to tell you everything.”

  “Really? What were you going to say exactly?” I asked. My voice shook with humiliation and anger.

  “I was waiting for the right way to bring all this up,” he said. “I wanted you to trust me first, and that takes time to build. Would you look at me?” He grabbed my arm again and forced me to turn around.

  “I’m sorry,” he said.

  “You’re an asshole!” I yelled. He dropped his hand to his side and a brief flicker of amusement passed over his eyes. This just made me more infuriated. I stuck my hands on my hips and glowered at him.

  “You were using me the whole time. And now, after you all admit you’re using me, you have the nerve to ask me to betray the only people that love me in the entire world to help you lead a revolution?”

  “Wait, I—”

  “Then,” I cut in, “after I agree to be your magic key to unlock my dad’s treasure chest of stupid listservs, and probably get arrested and disowned by my family in the process, what are you going to do? Pat me on the back and say thanks? Give me a rebel of the year award to hang up in my jail cell? Call me crazy, but that doesn’t sound appealing to me.”

  I took a deep breath. I just needed to calm down. In a way, it was a relief to finally know the truth. Maybe it would put an end to the stupid infatuation I had with him. At least I knew his motive for spending so much time with me. It never made sense why someone as amazing as Justin would give me so much attention. I turned and headed down the sidewalk and he followed me. I could feel his eyes on my back.

  “I was never using you,” he said.

  “Leave me alone,” I said, but he was next to me again.

  “Would you just listen? Scott doesn’t know how I feel.”

  I threw my hands up in the air. “Why weren’t you honest with me the first night I met you at the tutor session? You’re the one always telling me I should speak
my mind.”

  A small grin played on his lips. “Look, if you want to know the truth, I was a little intimidated the night I met you.”

  I stopped and turned to stare at him.

  “ You were intimidated?”

  Justin looked away as he started to explain.

  “I researched everything you did when you were fifteen.” He looked back at me with admiration. “My parents talked you up to be some kind of martyr. So, I guess you could say you’ve been an inspiration to me for a while.”

  I stared blankly back at him. It never occurred to me that what I did inspired people, or that people supported me. I’d only seen the negative effect it had.

  “We’ve been watching your moves online the past few years. And like Scott said, you stayed pretty anonymous.”

  “You’ve been spying on me?”

  “We had to make sure you were still”—he considered the right word for a moment—“impressionable. And we didn’t know who you physically were.” He grinned. “It took us almost three years to find you. We’ve never spent that kind of time trying to track down anyone. And you’re right, I should have been honest with you the first day we met. But—”

  He cut himself off and looked away. I watched his face change into an expression I’d never seen before. He almost looked embarrassed. Or nervous. He drummed his hands against his sides.

  “You threw me off,” he said finally.

  I wrinkled my eyebrows in confusion. “How?”

  He sighed, and whatever guard he was hanging on to crumbled and his shoulders sank a little bit. “The night I met you? I was looking for a guy. I thought you were your brother.”

  I couldn’t help but smile. Was it that unbelievable to think a girl could be just as rebellious as a guy? That a girl could be just as technically savvy as the boys? Justin looked down at his feet.

  “When I realized it was you—”

  He began to trip over his words as he tried to explain. I’d never seen him so unsure of himself before. He pulled his hands over the rim of his hat. He looked back at me and I felt my stomach knot up.

  “I don’t spend much time around girls so it threw me off. I didn’t know how to act with you. It doesn’t help that you’re—”

  He trailed off again and it made me smile.

  “What?” I asked.

  He gave me a knowing look. “You’re pretty easy on the eyes, Madeline. In case you didn’t know.”

  I felt my face flush at his words and looked away. I still couldn’t believe it. Justin Solvi was attracted to me. That didn’t quite compare to the obsessive crush I had on him. I started walking again and he followed me to the train stop.

  “I still don’t understand why you didn’t bring up Portland sooner.”

  “I did bring it up,” he reminded me. “I talked about the bombings, I told you everything about my parents. I answered every question you asked me about my past. And I never talk to people about my family. I keep my personal life private. But I thought if I was honest with you, you’d open up to me. I didn’t want to force it out of you. That’s why I waited.”

  A ZipShuttle hissed past us and kicked up a gust of wind.

  “I can’t believe you were nervous to meet me,” I said with a grin. “You’re always the picture of cool and confident.”

  “It’s a front. I’ve been working on it for years,” Justin said. His eyes narrowed at me. “And you’re pretty hard to read yourself.”

  I shrugged. “It’s a front. I’ve been working on it for years.”

  He smiled. “You know, you and I aren’t so different. Our backgrounds are pretty similar if you think about it. Fighting digital school, hiding our identities, screwed-up families.”

  I looked down the street and saw the train approaching.

  “You save people every day,” I told him. “I hacked into my dad’s files because I was too young to know any better. We’re not that similar.”

  “Don’t downplay what you did. I help people every day. One at a time. Helping out a person here and there, what I do is great but practically a joke next to what you’re capable of. I can build a snow fort. You can start an avalanche.”

  I closed my eyes and spoke slowly. “I’m not the same person I was back then. I was stupid and rebellious and confused.”

  “Is that what the therapists tried to convince you, what your dad tells you?”

  I shook my head. “I’m not that girl anymore. I’ve grown up and I learned from that experience.”

  “Really?” he said, and took a step closer to me. “Then why did you even agree to meet me in person? Maybe one out of a thousand people would have agreed to do that. That’s how scared most people are to leave their homes these days. Why did you throw your dad’s tracker on a train going to Canada? Why did the education benefit make you physically sick? You are that girl, Maddie. You’re just getting it beat out of you.”

  I stared back at him and felt goose bumps creep up my arms again. Sometimes talking to Justin was like having a mirror pulled in front of me so I could see myself for who I really was.

  “Maybe you’re right. But I won’t hurt my parents again,” I said. “It’s not worth it. It will never be worth it to use people to get what you want. I learned that when I was fifteen.”

  “We’re not asking you to pick us over them,” Justin said quietly.

  “But you are,” I said. I sighed as the train slowed to stop in front of us. My mind was exhausted with arguing. “Listen, I know this is probably a typical day for you, but I’m ready to snap. So, can you give me some time to think about this?”

  His features tightened but he nodded. I boarded the train and I didn’t have to look out the window to know he was still standing there, watching me. But I forced my eyes ahead of me as the train pulled away. I let the train move me forward to somewhere safe, predictable, a place where I could call the shots and I could hold people away and where no one reminded me of who I was because no one really knew me. And sometimes, that kind of a life is the safest place to be.

  June 14, 2060

  I chatted Justin a few nights ago. I printed out our discussion because I miss his words. They remind me of who I want to be. Or maybe who I’ve been all along. I like the idea I can carry them with me.

  BaleyF:

  I miss our talks.

  MustangV-8:

  Then let’s talk.

  BaleyF:

  Can I ask you something?

  MustangV-8:

  Anything.

  BaleyF:

  Why are you so anticomputers?

  MustangV-8:

  It’s not that I’m anticomputers. They have their advantages. But technology can be like a drug if you don’t keep it in check. After a while it gets in your system and you’re addicted. You get to a point where you can’t live without it and that’s when the drug controls you. We’ve become so dependent on computers we can’t cut ourselves off.

  BaleyF:

  What makes us so different from computers?

  MustangV-8:

  Lots of things, thank God.

  BaleyF:

  Like?

  MustangV-8:

  Our brains.

  BaleyF:

  Computers have brains, sort of.

  MustangV-8:

  But they don’t have a conscience. We can feel guilt, regret, remorse, sympathy, because we can think about our actions.

  BaleyF:

  Computers think. They figure things out every day.

  MustangV-8:

  But do they feel anything? Do they get embarrassed, frustrated, excited?

  BaleyF:

  I guess not.

  MustangV-8:

  It’s our consciousness that sets us apart. That makes us human. That makes us artists and creators and destroyers. Lately, more destroyers than anything.

  BaleyF:

  Do you think your parents are creators?

  MustangV-8:

  Some of the last of them, yes.

  BaleyF:
>
  Then you must think my father’s a destroyer.

  MustangV-8:

  I think your father has more depth than that. He also has a job to fulfill. But maybe we can work together to change his mind?

  BaleyF:

  Maybe we’re stuck with this life.

  MustangV-8:

  Why would you say that?

  BaleyF:

  This is reality. It’s permanent. Why fight it?

  MustangV-8:

  Because that’s the point, nothing is ever permanent. We’re just being brainwashed to think there isn’t more out there. Here’s the truth: your situation is never permanent. It’s what you make it. Life isn’t solid, it’s fluid. It changes. You say we’re stuck but that’s a hopeless way to look at it. It’s like saying we should give up.

  BaleyF:

  Most people prefer to be guided. It saves a lot of energy to follow a path than carve out your own.

  MustangV-8:

  That’s what we need to fight. Life should be a risk. It’s more than a straight line that you can see clearly from one point to the other. It dips and curves and you never know what’s around the bend sometimes until you get there. That scares a lot of people. But that’s the beauty of it.

  BaleyF:

  I know, but everything is disoriented right now. It’s like I’m seeing everything with new eyes, there’s too much to take in all at once. You need to give me some time to adjust.

  MustangV-8:

  Yeah. But sometimes the more disoriented you are, the more clearly you start to see.

  Chapter Thirteen

  A few weeks passed and boredom fell over me like a suffocating blanket. I couldn’t lift it. I spent every day in my bedroom. Stifled. Enclosed. I looked up some of my online contacts that I’d neglected. But now our friendships seemed condensed and unrealistic, like a postcard picture of a place I’d never been to. I lost hours of time searching people’s profiles, looking for more Justins and Clares. I heard once that you meet the same people over and over in life. But now, I didn’t believe it. I’d lived seventeen years and had never met people like them. Some people try to tell you the things you want in life are out of your grasp, while others lift you up on their shoulders and help you reach them. I may not know a lot, but I prefer to fill my life with people who let me climb on top of their shoulders, not people who try to keep me planted on the ground.