Awaken

by Katie Kacvinsky

  I hung out at my usual social sites and went to movies with friends but I couldn’t shake the idea that I wasn’t going to a movie with anyone. I was just this girl, sitting behind a screen being tricked into thinking I was experiencing something. I face-chatted a few of my contacts but I wanted to reach through the screen and hold their hands and feel their presence. I wanted more than this hollow life.

  My friends had become billboard advertisements of themselves. Is that all people were anymore? An advertisement of a person that catches our attention because we like the layout, the copy, the font? Had people become that easy to define? I used to think so. But now I realized all of my digital friendships hovered on the surface. There was never any depth. We didn’t discuss ourselves because we didn’t take the time to know ourselves. We were too busy being shown who we should be, what we should wear, what groups we should join. Who we should mimic. We didn’t have time to form our own thoughts or opinions so we quoted others.

  Before I met Justin I was starting to accept my life and where it was headed. Now I didn’t know who I was; I didn’t know what I wanted anymore. It felt like someone tipped me upside down, shook out my thoughts, my past, my goals, and turned me right side up again, only to start over.

  My cell phone rang and I inhaled a breath of relief when I saw the name on the screen.

  “Hey,” Clare said.

  “What are you doing?” I asked, and tapped my foot impatiently.

  “Researching a paper I have to write about geothermal energy,” she said. “Thrilling.”

  I nodded and stared at my flipscreen. “Sounds like it.”

  “I need a study break,” she said.

  I sat up straighter. “Want to do something?”

  Clare laughed. Her laughter was light and contagious. It made me smile.

  “Are you as stir-crazy as I am?” she asked.

  “Want to find some music? We could go to that club, the one on the Westside?”

  “I was just going to ask you the same thing,” Clare said. “Meet me at the train stop on Hamersley and Fifth.”

  I turned my phone off and jumped to my feet as if the door of my locked cage suddenly sprang open. I looked down at my baggy jeans and sweatshirt and they were comfortable and known, but they didn’t reflect my mood. Life can change drastically at night. So should clothes. I opened my closet and rummaged inside until I found a short black skirt with the price tags still attached. I pulled out a tight blue tank top I’d never worn and discovered a lonely pair of heels stashed deep in the back of my closet. I had to wipe a layer of dust off of them; they were probably a gift Mom gave me in hopes that I’d one day try to look feminine. I quickly changed and examined myself in the full-length mirror. My eyes went directly to the scar on my calf and my stomach did flips at the memory of the night it happened, of Justin’s fingers touching my skin.

  Before I wasted another minute fantasizing, I went into the bathroom. I figured, if I’m going all out, I might as well do something with my hair. I opened up a drawer below the sink and rummaged through its contents. I swore I owned some sort of hair-styling device. I finally settled on straightening gel and smoothed some of the sticky liquid through my hair. I combed it out and the gel gave it the exact effect I wanted. My long hair fell straight and severe over my shoulders and had a soft shine. I dabbed red lip-gloss on my lips and dusted dark eye shadow on my eyelids. I looked at my reflection in the mirror and shrugged. I was no candidate for Team Sparkle, but it would do. Now I just had to get around my father.

  I walked downstairs and found my mom sitting in the living room watching TV. She gaped at me and looked me up and down.

  “Maddie? Is that you in there?”

  I grinned back at her.

  “You’re wearing heels.” She bent down and examined them. “I must have bought you those a year ago.” She glanced up at me, worried. “Do you have a fever?”

  I rolled my eyes. “Is it all right if I go out with Clare?”

  “Who’s Clare?” she asked.

  “She’s just a friend.”

  My mom raised both eyebrows at this. “You dressed up like this for a girlfriend?”

  “We’re going to a club.” I glanced down the hall. “Where’s Dad?”

  “He’s on a conference call right now.” She met my eyes. “You’re just going with Clare, right?” she asked. I nodded because it was the truth, but her eyes were skeptical. “Then I guess it’s all right, but only for a few hours.”

  Twenty minutes later our train arrived at the Westside stop. The club was hot and loud and packed with people when we walked in. A band was setting up in the corner and people were already filling up the dance floor in front of the stage. Clare and I slid into an open booth we snagged just as a group got up to leave. She grabbed both my hands in hers and leaned toward me across the table.

  “I just want you to know I’m really sorry about what happened at Scott’s apartment.”

  I nodded and squeezed her hands back before she let go. “It’s all right. You didn’t know I’d be accosted.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Scott can be such a drama queen. It never crossed his mind that mocking and ridiculing you to your face might not be the wisest strategy to convince you to join our side.”

  I laughed lightly and shook my head.

  “Maybe I should have told you all along,” she said.

  “Justin should have told me the truth,” I reminded her. “But I think I understand why he didn’t.”

  I looked out at the crowd, a mix of mostly young people our age. The band was starting to do sound checks.

  “Anyway,” she said. “I want you to know that I don’t care if you join our side or whatever Scott calls it. I still want to be friends, no matter what happens.”

  I raised my eyebrows. “What makes you think I’ve said no?”

  Clare leaned away from me. “But I thought you made your decision at Scott’s?”

  I smiled coyly. “I don’t like being put on the spot,” I said.

  Clare’s eyes lit up. “You mean, you’re still considering helping us out?”

  I shrugged. “I honestly don’t know anymore. But if Justin could wait three years to ask me, he can wait a little while for me to decide. I just have to figure out a way to be useful to you guys without going behind my father’s back.”

  Clare smiled at me. Suddenly, a young guy slid into the seat next to her. His thick, curly brown hair fell below his cheekbones. Blue eyes, the identical color and shape of Clare’s, looked over at me.

  “This is my brother,” Clare said. “He makes it a point to interrupt all of my conversations.”

  “Noah,” he said, and extended his long, wiry arm over the table.

  “Hey,” I said, and reached out to shake his hand. “Madeline.”

  Noah gave my hand a confident squeeze. His fingers were rough and callused as they pressed against mine.

  “He’s playing in the band tonight,” Clare said.

  “I don’t think I’ve seen you before,” Noah said to me.

  “She grew up less than a mile from us,” Clare told him. “Isn’t that crazy?”

  “What? And we’ve never met?”

  I shrugged. “I’m a victim of DS.”

  “Oh, I get it,” Noah said, and gave his sister a mocking stare. “You’ve only recently been liberated by the freedom fighters?”

  I laughed at this and Clare rolled her eyes. Noah looked back at me with a grin. It felt so good to laugh again.

  “Somebody’s got to fight for a good cause,” she reminded him.

  “And somebody’s got to write music about it,” Noah pointed out.

  “Noah’s not quite as dedicated to changing the world as some of us,” Clare said.

  He shrugged. “I appreciate the effort though. When my little sister saves the human race from our dark demise, I will definitely buy her a beer and play at the party.”

  I laughed again and Clare sighed.

  “Nice to meet you,” he
said, and strolled off toward the bar. I watched him go with a smile.

  “He’s adorable,” I said.

  “A lot of girls think so,” Clare added. We glanced around the room at the growing number of women that were packing the dance floor.

  Noah came back to our table with two drinks. “My treat,” he said. He winked at his sister. “Clare’s favorite,” he said with a wide grin before he walked away.

  I stared down at the pink fizzling drinks.

  “What are these?” I asked.

  Clare grimaced. “They’re these new energy drinks. I swear, it’s legalized crack, but no one has caught on yet.”

  I took a sip and it was so sweet it gave me a head rush.

  “That’s disgusting,” I said.

  “I know,” Clare said. “Noah lives off of them. He only ordered it to annoy me. You’ve got to love brothers.”

  We looked over at the stage when the band began to play. A young girl sang lead vocals and her voice was low and seductive. It was the kind of voice that made you want to sink inside someone’s arms. Clare and I were quiet for a few minutes listening to the band. Noah played the bass and his hair fell over his eyes, which I could see made half the girls in the crowd swoon. Their music had a reggae-rock sound.

  “So,” I asked Clare, “is Scott the leader of this whole thing?”

  She shook her head. “He likes to think he is. He has the most technical experience out of any of us. I guess you could say he’s the brains. He’s hacked into more security systems than anyone. But I’d say Justin’s the leader. He has the most respect. And he avoids computers like a virus. He’s more active. He needs to be working directly with people to feel like he’s making a difference.”

  “I don’t think Molly likes me very much,” I said.

  Clare smirked. “Molly doesn’t like anybody. She’s pretty intense. She’s eighteen, she already has a master’s in psychology, and right now she’s working toward a medical degree.”

  My mouth fell open with amazement.

  “I wouldn’t want to be that smart,” Clare added. “Sometimes the more you know, the harder it is to enjoy life. It’s like you lose curiosity or something.” She told me if Molly doesn’t talk to me, it’s probably because she’s psychoanalyzing me. It’s her little hobby.

  “And she’s usually right on,” Clare said. “She’s like the psychic of the group, which comes in handy when you’re always trying to figure out who’s on your side.”

  “Where do you fit in to all this?”

  Clare took a sip of her drink and her lips puckered from the sweet flavor. “That’s a good question. I grew up with these guys so I’m lucky enough just to know them. Justin likes having me along to meet new recruits and make people feel comfortable. He thinks communication is my strength. I want to help design face-to-face schools, if we ever get to that.”

  “What about the rest of the group?”

  “Riley’s really good with electronics. He can fix anything—cars, computers—I’ve seen him fix a public ZipShuttle that broke down and left some people stranded. In his spare time he flies planes.”

  “Oh,” I said, like these were common hobbies for a teenager.

  “It’s crazy, these guys all have some sort of superhuman power. Pat’s kind of like Justin. More hands-on. Fearless. Really good at being the gopher. When he was sixteen he set a record for the most interceptions in one year.”

  “I can’t believe I’ve never found you guys, even before my sites were blocked. Believe me, I’ve been looking.”

  Clare smiled. “You can’t find us. That’s the point. We’re impossible to trace.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Simple. We don’t exist.”

  I stared back at her and waited for her to continue.

  “There’s no name that defines us. We don’t have a fan site, believe me, we’d all get arrested if we drew attention to ourselves. We’re connected with people all over the country,” she said, “but the best way to keep secret is to stay invisible. It’s a lot harder to find something that doesn’t exist in the first place.”

  “Then how do you gain supporters?”

  Clare shrugged. “We seek people out that we’re confident will join our side. No one seeks us out. It’s the safest way to move forward. We don’t keep digital records.”

  Her eyes were serious, which for Clare was a rare sight. It made me tune out all the noise and movement around me. “Most of what we do just depends on trust and faith. I only see Justin once every few months. He fills us in on what’s happening. What’s to come. And we all support and trust each other. We believe in the process. It hasn’t failed us yet.”

  Clare coughed on another sip of her drink and I offered to get us some water. I wandered over to the bar and noticed, for the first time I could ever recall, men watching me as I crossed the room. I observed, self-consciously, that some of their looks lingered and traced me up and down.

  I set my hands on the smooth bar and ordered two waters. While I waited I observed groups of people dancing. I scanned the crowded room and stopped when my eyes met a familiar glance. My stomach twisted into knots.

  Justin sat in the back corner of the room, at a booth with Spencer and Ray. He gave me a slow nod but his eyes were cautious. I instantly felt the energy in the room shift as if the lights dimmed or an air current changed direction. He was wearing a short-sleeved shirt that showed off his long, toned arms and his hair was a mess, as usual, tousled and shining and perfect. Of course he had to show up the one night I decided to go out and look effortlessly beautiful, just when I was trying to get over him.

  I quickly looked away, grabbed my drinks, and headed back to the booth where I could avoid his eyes.

  Clare looked at my frazzled expression.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Justin’s here.”

  She nodded. “I know.” She looked at my wide eyes. “Oh, you didn’t know?”

  “Of course not,” I said, and ducked my head low like I was trying to hide.

  “I thought you knew he was in town.”

  I groaned and ran my fingers through my hair.

  “He’s been here the whole time. I thought you saw him.”

  “I didn’t.”

  “Well, it’s no big deal. He’s not going to come over here. He can sense when people don’t want to talk to him.”

  I chewed my nails anxiously. “I know, it’s just that his presence is a little—”

  “Noticeable?”

  I sighed. “Suffocating.”

  I took a long drink of water and waited for my heart to settle down. I tried to distract myself by asking Clare about her ideas for face-to-face school, and when Noah’s band took a break he came over to sit with us. He was exactly the diversion I needed. Noah kept us entertained with traveling stories from playing gigs on the road. His stare didn’t consume me like Justin’s did and for the moment, I really needed that. After a twenty-minute break, Noah got up to join the band for its second set. They started off with a fast beat and Clare pulled me to the dance floor. We wove through the crowd until we were in the middle of the pack. A young guy, about my age, danced his way next to us with a friend at his side. He was a little taller than me and wore a blue button-down shirt that matched his eyes.

  “Mike,” he yelled over the music to introduce himself.

  “Madeline,” I yelled back.

  He had beads of sweat on his forehead from dancing and his hair was dark and wavy. He looked like a business type, with his collared shirt buttoned all the way to the top and tucked into khaki dress pants.

  “Is that your boyfriend?” he asked, nodding in Noah’s direction. I laughed and shook my head.

  “No, I just met him tonight.”

  “Oh,” he said, “good to know.” Mike danced closer to me, and his friend, who introduced himself as Chris, inched next to Clare. After dancing for a few songs and feeling sweat roll down my back, I told Mike I needed something to drink. We picked our wa
y through the crowd and I found a stool at the bar. I gulped down another glass of water while Mike slammed a shot of tequila. He offered me one but the smell coming off his breath alone was enough to make my stomach queasy.

  “No thanks,” I said. Mike took another shot and his face was flushed pink around his cheeks and his words slurred as he told me about his computer accounting job. When Mike reached his hand out and started playing with the ends of my hair, I stood up.

  “I should probably find Clare,” I said, and he followed me into the crowd like he was attached by a leash. I sighed, clueless on how to get rid of him. He knew I was single and the bar was one giant room. It’s not like I could escape. We dug our way through the packed dance floor. I raised my chin to look over the crowd and frowned to see Clare sitting at a table with Chris, engrossed in conversation. I turned around in the middle of the dance floor to find Mike standing behind me. He extended his hand to me and lifted his eyebrows. I tentatively offered him my arm and he grabbed it and pulled me against him. He wrapped his arms tightly around my waist and I leaned away.

  “I need some space,” I yelled over the music. I smiled to try and ease the rejection. I didn’t mind dancing next to Mike, but in his arms was another story.

  He looked at me with a frown.

  “It’s really hot,” I said, and fanned myself with my hand. You’re also drunk and you smell like a liquor bottle, I wanted to add.

  Mike took a step back but he kept his hands firmly on my waist. “What, I offer to buy you a drink and you won’t even dance with me?”

  I narrowed my eyes at him. “I didn’t take your drink. Besides, it doesn’t entitle you to grope me.” I pushed his hands off my waist.