The Complete If I Break Series

by Portia Moore

  “About what your dad said,” I start and he takes my hand.

  “I get it. I do, and how you feel about Cal, I’m trying to…I can get past that,” he says.

  “I know how much you love him and I know it will take more time than it has for you to love me like that, but I’ll wait. As long as it takes,” he says, looking into my eyes and holding my hand. I should be thrilled about his declaration, it’s selfless and so Chris like but that’s not what I want. I need them to see past this it’s not some type of contest or tug of war. They are the same.

  “Chris. I already love you like that. This is a disorder, that makes you feel different but you are one and the same to me. Don’t think of it as me wanting one side of you more than the other. I want all of you,” I tell him and he looks disappointed letting go of my hand. My stomach drops. Maybe it was too soon, but when is soon going to be soon enough. Especially after everything Helen told me. I did the exact opposite of what I was supposed to do. I’m not going to coddle them anymore, he is one man, one man that I love and they need to understand that not me. When I woke up next to Chris this morning guilt tried to trickle in. It tried to steal the joy of the moment from me, but when I really think about it—why should I not feel good about sleeping with my husband? He’s my husband officially, the Jenna thing is completely done with. There is no way I’m going to alienate him and push him back to her. It felt right…well it did feel a little wrong too…but it mostly felt right. I need him to know that it’s right, whenever we do it.

  “I’ve been trying to make an appointment with my doctor,” he says, putting his head in his hands. I feel a sting of guilt lance through me. The conversation with Dexter Sr. comes up in my mind. “Her secretary called and left me a message saying she’d be out of the office all month. Then when I called back to make an appointment her secretary said she wasn’t out of the office, but when I told her my name she said she didn’t have openings for the next six months,” he says, frustrated. Oh my God, Dexter Sr. has had Chris blacklisted. Isn’t that against some type of medical ethics?

  “I really want to try to grasp this. It’s just really hard,” he groans.

  “I know,” I say, interlacing my hand with his.

  “But I’m here. We’re in this together,” I say, giving him a little smile.

  “I’m thinking about just seeing Helen again, when we go back to Chicago.”

  My heart skips a beat.

  “You’re coming with me?” I ask him. I mean it makes sense but I don’t know if he’s really ready.

  “Why wouldn’t I? We’re in this together right?” he says giving me a smile that makes me hug him. Maybe all of this won’t be so bad. Maybe everything will be okay. After everything that’s happened we deserve a break. Maybe now we’ll get one.

  Chapter 13

  November 7, 2010

  It can’t be her. It can’t fucking be her! But as soon as I make it downstairs and turn the corner, there she is standing at the desk. When she sees me her eyes light up but just for a minute before worry starts to show in her face.

  “I’ll handle it from here Lamar,” I tell the concierge at the desk. I put my hand around her back and usher her towards the front doors.

  “What are you doing here?” I ask through gritted teeth.

  “I came to speak to your soon to be wife,” she says simply. As soon as we’re out the door the time for playing nice is over.

  “How could you do this Cal? How could you do something as major as this? Does that poor girl know about your disorder? How could you marry someone and not even tell us?” she says, her voice breaking. For a moment I feel a slight tinge of guilt.

  “How dare you come here? The night of my engagement party, and tell her what? The man you’re marrying isn’t fucking real!”

  “I was going to tell her the truth.”

  “Your version of the truth. It’s always the version that you and William think up isn’t it?” I ask her.

  “Cal you cannot do this. Do you understand what you’re doing?” she says, her tone pleading.

  “I know exactly what I’m doing,” I tell her.

  “No you don’t. I don’t know how you’ve pulled this off so far, but what are you going to do when you marry her and she wakes up in bed with Chris!” she exclaims.

  “That is never going to happen!”

  “You don’t know that. She deserves to know,” she pleads.

  “You just don’t want me to be happy.”

  “That’s not true,” she says pleadingly.

  “Of course it’s true. You don’t give a shit about me. All you want is Christopher back.”

  “That’s not true Cal! I love both of you,” she interjects.

  “He’s not coming back Gwen! I’m on medication that will get rid of him completely!”

  “W-what are you talking about? You’re taking drugs? What are you taking Cal? Are they safe?”

  “It doesn’t matter, but you and Will can get it through your heads that your mild mannered little farm boy is never coming back.”

  “What medication, there isn’t any medication that’s a cure Cal. Integration is the only way… are you taking something illegal?” she says, frantically grabbing my arm.

  “It’s not your concern,” I tell her simply, snatching away.

  “It is my concern. You’re my son and I love you!” she says and for a moment I almost believe her, but she doesn’t care about me, only the person that I keep at bay.

  “Cal please!” she says, grabbing my arm again as I turn away from her.

  “How can you love her when you shut love out? How can you know what love is?!” she asks, looking directly in my eyes.

  “She’s love! I love her more than anything. If you screw this up for me, I’ll disappear and you’ll never see Chris again,” I say before snatching away from her. I turn around and see Lauren heading my way.

  Fuck!

  “Leave. Now,” I tell Gwen before heading back to the building. Before I can enter Lauren’s come outside and we meet right at the door. My heart is about to blow the fuck up. She looks down the street right at Gwen, who thankfully is walking in the opposite direction.

  “What was that about? Who was she?” she asks, eyeing me suspiciously. I shrug, trying to be as casual as possible. If she only knew how fast my heart was going, my palms are sweaty; I have to calm down.

  “Nothing,” I tell her, walking back through the entrance of our building and waiting for her to come in. I hate lying to her, I try to never do it, this isn’t exactly a lie but it makes me feel like shit. She looks back at me and then back in Gwen’s direction and my throat feels like it’s about to close up. Gwen’s stopped walking.

  Shit! What the fuck am I going to do?

  I glance at Gwen and her eyes connect with mine. The only thing I can do is shake my head.

  Fuck it.

  I mouth please to her. I’ve never asked anyone for much. I regret little, but right now I wish I could go back in time and get on my fucking knees and beg Gwen not to say anything. She nods slightly, it’s subtle and even Lauren won’t notice it but it’s enough to make my heart stop slamming into my chest.

  “Are you coming?” I ask Lauren impatiently. She looks over at me but she doesn’t move, instead she glances back in Gwen’s direction again but she’s gone by that time. Her eyes narrow in on mine. She’s pissed. I can deal with pissed, after what I could be dealing with, pissed is welcome.

  “Nothing,” she says bitterly as she walks past me into the lobby.

  “I took care of it; she didn’t want anything important,” I say casually, my heart rate returning to normal. I sit down in one of the big chairs in the lobby. I’ve never needed to sit down as much as I do right now.

  “Well, what happened? What did she want with me?” she asks anxiously.

  I’m going to have to tell another fucking lie.

  “She really wasn’t making any sense. She seemed hopped up on something. I told her to leave.” I pul
l out my cellphone so I don’t have to look at her. I can’t look her right in the eye and lie to her.

  “Well maybe you should have let me talk to her,” she says, nudging me. She does it again until I look directly at her. Her hazel eyes won’t let go of mine. I don’t want to lie to her again, but I can’t lose her. If I told her now I’d lose her.

  “Look. She wasn’t making any sense. She probably pulled your name off an article of some event we’ve been to with Dexter. You have to be careful about just anyone trying to see you. When you’re associated with the Crestfields, people see dollar signs and will sell you any sob story thinking you can write them a check. Most people have some type of agenda and I’m sure she did but she won’t be back. You can’t just trust anybody now, okay?” I feel like shit. A crock of bullshit, but it sounds like it makes sense, but she knows me and she’s not buying it. I grab her hand and she sighs and nods just a little bit. She wants to believe me, but she’s not stupid.

  “Okay,” she says simply, but it’s forced and hesitant and she pulls her hand from mine and folds them in her lap. She’s thinking, she knows this doesn’t add up.

  “Mr. Scott, your car is here,” one of the car attendants informs us.

  “Thanks,” I tell him, standing. I wait for Lauren to do the same, and she doesn’t.

  “You’re coming right?” I say jokingly but in all honesty I don’t know if she’s coming. She glares at me and rolls her eyes before following the attendant.

  This is going to be a long fucking night.

  Engagement Party Checklist

  Ridiculously large banquet hall, check.

  Overly expensive food, check.

  Hundreds of people you don’t give a shit about telling you congratulations, check.

  Pissed off and annoyed fiancé, check and check.

  She knows something is up. She wouldn’t talk to me in the car, she keeps moving when I try to touch her and it’s killing me. My gratefulness to Gwen has expired. Why the fuck would she come here? How dare she show up at my house, threatening to tell my fiance about my past? It’s the past, our future doesn’t include them, nothing before her matters.

  Fucking Dexter had to have told her I was engaged, and to show up the day of my engagement party? If Gwen had talked to Lauren, everything would be ruined. My life would be ruined. She’s never looked at me the way she is now. With…distrust, like she she’s seeing me for another person. I don’t want her to look at me like, like I’m the villain, she’s never done that before.

  Since we’ve been here she’s been distant and quiet. This is the first time I’ve ever had to flat out tell her a lie.

  We both plastered smiles on our faces as we greet a bunch of people we don’t even fucking know. This was all Helen and Dexter’s idea. We shouldn’t even be here, but Lauren lit up at the idea of a big engagement party. Dex didn’t spare any expense, taking the title of best man and running with it. I can’t wait until I get to talk to him about his little game, sending Gwen the day of my engagement party.

  “A toast, to an invaluable part of Crestfield Industries, my friend who I consider my family. Cal Scott and his beautiful future wife Lauren.” Everyone raises their glasses and toasts to us. She looks over at me and we kiss, but it’s different. There’s always been something behind it, pushing its way out of both of us, but right now it seems like she’s pulling instead of pushing. The applause roars throughout the room as glasses clink and pictures are taken. I don’t give a shit about any of it if Lauren isn’t feeling this. I lean over and whisper in her ear.

  “Love you babe.” She smiles at me but it’s weak.

  “I love you too.” It’s dry and half-hearted.

  Before I can call her on it, Lauren’s aunt Raven and her best friends are near us.

  “You look so beautiful honey,” her aunt says. “Cal, extremely dashing as always,” she adds, squeezing my shoulder. I wink at her and she blushes. If I didn’t know any better I’d swear this lady had a crush on me.

  “How much did they drop on this? I feel like if I drop a plate I’d be out of a car,” Angela teases.

  “What’s wrong L?” Hillary asks, eyeing me suspiciously. Hillary and I didn’t get off on the right foot but I like her now. She really loves Lauren and is protective of her; I can’t fault her for that even if she acts like a whore.

  “Nothing, everything’s fine,” she replies meekly. Everything isn’t fine and I know exactly who’s to blame.

  “I’m going to go talk to Dex,” I say, excusing myself and heading over to Dexter and Helen. I didn’t get a chance to really talk to him since Lauren and I arrived almost thirty minutes into the dinner.

  “Excuse me,” Dex says to a flock of buzzards who are only here for a stab at his wallet. I throw my arm over his shoulder as a friendly gesture when I want to pull him into a choke hold.

  “Talk to Gwen lately?” I ask, once we’re far enough away from the crowd.

  “I did,” he says simply.

  “What’d you tell her?” I ask, smiling tightly.

  “I may have mentioned that I was attending your engagement dinner today."

  “What the fuck is your problem?" I say, crossing my arms to keep from punching him in the face.

  “I didn’t know your engagement was confidential,” he retorts smugly.

  “She could have told Lauren everything Dex, and now she thinks something is up. She’s distant at our fucking engagement party.”

  “Well it’s about time,” he adds with a grin. I scowl at him.

  “Tell her the truth,” he says, looking me squarely in the eye, “I don’t want this blowing up in our faces later.”

  “Nothing’s going to blow up if you let me handle it. Helen and I are handling it, stop running your fucking mouth,” I warn him.

  “I think you should consider whom you’re talking to Cal,” he says adjusting his cufflinks.

  “The great Dexter Crestfield. I don’t give a shit. You’re supposed to be my friend, you’re not my mentor or my daddy.”

  “Then stop acting like a child!” he says, stepping closer to me. I’m a little surprised.

  “This can go very badly for all of us. You know who, is going to get involved then. I’m trying to keep him out of it,”

  “I’m not afraid of your father,” I laugh.

  “Well you should be.”

  “Why would he care about who the hell I marry?”

  “Because you’re adding another person to the equation who you have to trust.”

  “She doesn’t know anything,” I retort.

  “Which means that you don’t think that you can trust her. So, if you can’t trust her to even tell her the truth about yourself, can you trust her with anything else?”

  “It’s not that I don’t trust her,” I sigh, running my hands over my face.

  “I want her to love me for me,” I say quietly. “Not for who I was. Not for who everyone thinks I should be.”

  “I don’t want her to look at me like I’m some broken man, the way everyone else does.”

  “If she loves you, really loves you, she’ll understand,” he tells me squeezing my shoulder.

  “If you don’t tell her, this is going to go bad. And I’m not going to fix any of it. You’re on your own.”

  “The medicine’s working,” I tell him adamantly.

  “So that’s what you’re placing all your cards on. A medicine that’s still under trial, that you’re the test subject for?” he asks.

  “You bet on Helen, I’m betting on her too,” I retort. He shakes his head.

  “Starting your marriage on secrets and lies doesn’t make for the most stable foundation,” he sighs.

  “So that’s not what yours and Helen’s marriage is based on?” I laugh and he scoffs like he’s offended.

  “Of course not. We have tons and secrets between us but they are not ours, only other peoples,” he says, squeezing my shoulder before walking away from me and back into the crowd.

  I let
out a deep groan. I don’t drink but I’ve never wanted a stiff drink more than I do right now. I glance at my watch, this is fucking boring. My life almost just fell apart and I need something to distract me, I need something to intoxicate me but it won’t be anything in a bottle, but a slinky little grey dress. I work my way through the crowd avoiding meaningless conversations with people I don’t even like. It takes me about twenty minutes before I bump into Angela who's wobbling a bit having had a few too many drinks herself. She grabs my arm and pulls me into a dance.

  “You and I need to talk mister,” she says, her words a bit slurred.

  “How can I help you?” I joke back. Angela’s one of the few people I like. She’s smart, funny and straight forward and I know she’d go to war for Lauren which makes her okay in my book.

  “L really loves you,” she says sternly.

  “Well I’d hope she does,” I kid with her.

  “No. I’m serious,” she pouts. “She’s never loved a guy how she loves you. You’ve changed her.” She says the last part off handedly.

  “What do you mean?” I ask as she pulls my arm for me to spin her around.

  “She’s grown up, not the same naïve girl who got off the bus from Michigan,” she says, stopping her dance and motioning for me to follow her away from the dance floor. Once we are we sit down at an empty table.

  “You know we didn’t know what to think of you and her at first. I will admit I didn’t think you could give her what she wanted,” she continues and I wonder if this girl is a mind reader.

  “I want to give her everything she wants,” I say simply.

  “Good. Because she deserves it,” she says, the slur almost gone from her voice.

  “A guy like you could break a girl’s heart,” she says, standing up before she squeezes my shoulder. “But you wouldn’t do that, right?” she says in my ear before gliding back onto the dance floor.

  I wouldn’t do that. I can’t do that.

  I maneuver throughout the hall and spot Lauren grabbing a glass of champagne and heading up the stairs to the second level. I quicken my pace to catch up with her. The second floor is virtually empty. Since everyone is on the main floor, I know she must be as over this as I am. She walks to the end of the hall where it’s dimly lit and sits at a table alone. I take a deep breath and walk toward her.