Emperor of the Universe

by Johnny Marciano

  “He’s been invited to join the Good Animals Group!”

  That didn’t sound right somehow. “Why would Klawde be invited to join the Good Animals Group?” I asked.

  “See?” Klawde said. “Even the imbecilic ogre understands.”

  “Well, he got kicked out of his Evil Warlords club,” Barx said to me. Then he turned to Klawde. “It’ll be great! You and me—together again! We’ll have so much fun.”

  At this point, Klawde coughed up a giant hairball.

  “What are you guys even talking about?” I said. “What is the Good Animals Group? And the Evil Warlords club?”

  “ME! ME! I want to answer!” Barx said, raising a paw and wagging.

  Klawde hissed and left.

  “You see, Raj,” Barx said, “ever since the universe was formed, way back when the big bang was just the little bang, there have been alliances between the inhabited planets and all the species living on them. Those of us who want to make the cosmos a more loving and peaceful place formed the Good Animals Group. And the ones who want the opposite formed the Allied Warlords of Evil, Sabotage, Oppression, and More Evil.”

  “So is it, like, cats versus dogs?”

  “No, there are lots of species in our Good Animals Group, like mice and chipmunks. And oh, we have the softest bunnies.”

  “Wait, you mean there are other Earth species in outer space?”

  “Oh, Raj.” Barx looked at me pityingly. “What you mean is that there are other space species on Earth.”

  “Wow, like hamsters? Are there space hamsters? They must be good, right?”

  “No, they are evil.”

  “Raccoons?”

  “Very evil.”

  “Squirrels?”

  “Most evil.” Barx bared his teeth.

  I tried to think of an animal that had to be good.

  “How about pandas?”

  “Oh yes, they’re great.” Barx wagged his tail. “In fact, they’re hosting the GAG get-together. Which reminds me—I’ve got to go! I have to make goody bags for the big meeting.”

  “But wait! How about platypuses! And . . . and sharks! And dinosaurs! Are they extinct in outer space, too?”

  “Dinosaurs didn’t go extinct, Raj! They never even lived on Earth,” Barx said. “They just used this planet as their graveyard for a couple hundred million years or so.” A wistful look came over his face. “They really do have the best bones.”

  I tried asking if there were aliens that looked like Ewoks or E.T., but Barx cut me off.

  “That’s to talk about another day, Raj,” Barx said. “Maybe over a game of fetch!” And with that, the hologram of Barx disappeared, and the alien fidget spinner buzzed its way right out of the basement window.

  CHAPTER 6

  Me, join GAG? I would sooner shave my own whiskers off!

  As I exited the bunker in disgust, it became clear to me that nowhere in the fortress would do for solitude. I needed a new refuge, far away from boy-ogres and spacemutts. I again recalled Myttynz the Mrowdyr, who climbed the highest tree in all the eighty-seven moons and vowed to stay there until he reached the most elusive—and most sublime—of nap states.

  Purrvana.

  Climbing the majestic oak that towered over the yard, I felt as Myttynz must have all those thousands of years ago. Like him, I would not waver until I, too, attained Purrvana.

  I closed my eyes. I felt the sun warming my fur and whiskers. I breathed in and out with the wind as I sought to enter that exalted state of nap.

  “Hey, Klawde! Klawde!”

  I opened one eye. The infernal spinning device buzzed as it hovered near my branch.

  It was hard to be a stoic hermit when moronic canines refused to leave you alone.

  “There you are, buddy!” The Barx hologram had grown small and faint. “Listen, I wanted to tell you that I don’t leave for the Good Animals Group fiesta for a couple of days. So in case you change your mind, you can call me! I’ll just leave this holo-phone right here.”

  “You needn’t bother! I shall never accompany you to GAG!”

  But Barx did not reply. The canine communicator had already performed a nosedive and was now digging into the ground, like a bone that could bury itself.

  How disgusting.

  CHAPTER 7

  “Do I need to call the fire department?” I hollered up to Klawde. “How’d you even get yourself up that high?”

  He ignored me, just like he’d been doing for the past couple of days. He hadn’t even made a snide comment about basketball when I’d told him that I made varsity—he just said something about becoming a hermit.

  “Look, if you’re embarrassed because you can’t get back down, it’s okay,” I hollered. “We all need a little help sometimes.”

  “Hey, Raj! Are you coming or what?” Steve yelled. He and Cedar were waiting for me up the street.

  “All right, see you after school, I guess,” I called.

  Klawde hissed at me, so at least I knew he was still alive.

  My classes were fine, until history that is, when Ms. McQuade said we should have an outline of our projects done by Thursday. Other kids were already working on their presentations, but Newt and I hadn’t even started. In fact, we’d been totally avoiding each other.

  “I guess we better do something,” I said to her after class.

  “Fine,” she said, rolling her eyes. “Meet me at the library after your dumb basketball.”

  Practice was so fun that I hung around the gym to do extra shooting drills afterward. When I remembered that I was supposed to meet Newt, I sprinted straight to the library. Even though I was only five minutes late, I couldn’t find her anywhere.

  It would be just like her to ditch me, so I figured I should start working alone. I did wish I’d stopped to take a shower first, though. And I think the librarian did, too, unless she always sniffed like that when she helped students find the books they were looking for.

  When I started to read, one thing struck me right away: Napoleon was just like my cat! For one thing, he’d gotten overthrown and sent into exile, just like Klawde, and then he came back into power only to get kicked right out again. The craziest part? Napoleon was exiled to an island called Elba—which was the name of our town!

  “So where have you been?” Newt stood over me with her hands on her hips. “And why do you smell like a walking armpit?”

  “I got here right after practice,” I said. “Where were you?”

  “I’ve been sitting by the front door since school ended,” she said. “Except for the five seconds it took to go buy a candy bar.”

  I was pretty sure she was lying.

  “Have you at least gotten some work done?” she asked.

  “Yeah, lots,” I said, showing her the notes I’d taken. “How about you?”

  “I printed out this whole list of things Napoleon said.”

  Two hours in the library—supposedly—and the only thing she’d done was search “Napoleon quotes”?

  “Listen to this,” Newt said. “Friends must always be treated as if one day they might be enemies. And He who fears being conquered is sure of defeat.”

  “He sounds just like someone I know,” I said, looking down the list.

  “You know a world-conquering dictator, do you?” she said, raising an eyebrow.

  “No,” I said. “No, of course not.”

  CHAPTER 8

  After three days in the treetop, I had taken many excellent naps, but I had failed to reach Purrvana. I blamed this on constant interruptions by the boy- and father-ogres, as well as all the noise the Humans make while puttering around in their go-carts and tending to their little patches of territory.

  I was saved from further frustration by the buzzing of the communicator. It was Flooffee-Fyr, and for once I welcomed his call.

/>   “Do you have news for me, minion?”

  “The biggest, O Great One!” Flooffee said. “You won’t believe it—she’s dead! The throne is free.”

  I gasped. At last! The Calico Queen was no more!

  “Oh joyous day!” I exclaimed. “I knew the sensible cats of Lyttyrboks would tear that wretched kitten limb from limb! Tell me, is the mob thronging the streets, clamoring for my return?”

  “Well, uh, she’s not who I’m talking about, actually,” the fool said. “The Calico Queen is more popular than ever. She has a 98 percent approval rating. I don’t think yours ever got above 7 percent, did it?”

  “Then who are you talking about?” I spat. “Who’s dead?”

  “The Empress of the Universe!”

  I was thunderstruck. The leader of all living matter—deceased? Could it be true?

  This was even better news!

  “Flooffee! We must start readying my campaign at once,” I exclaimed. “Many will be the candidates, and all must be crushed!”

  This was the moment I had been waiting for my entire life—the chance to rule all the two hundred billion galaxies!

  “It is a mammal’s turn to be emperor,” Flooffee said. “But there’s one small problem, O Splendid Lion.”

  “I cannot imagine what it could be.”

  “You can’t run for emperor. You got kicked out of AWESOME, remember? You have to be in a nominating party to be a candidate.”

  “I will simply join another!” I said. “There are thousands of stupid parties in the universe.”

  “But you have to be invited to join one of them. At this point, there’s no way you can become a candidate. Well, not unless it is for GAG.”

  I hissed. “How dare you even suggest that!”

  “Well, they did ask you to be a member,” the fool said.

  “I would rather have all of my claws ripped out and given to that deplorable calico to make a necklace than spread GAG’s message of kindness across the universe.”

  “Yeah, I guess that was a dumb idea,” Flooffee said. “Anyway, O Masterfullest, can you ping me later? I have an appointment at the exuviating parlor. I want my fur to look its best for the AWESOME convention.”

  As I hung up on the exasperating idiot, my spirits sank. This was the worst moment in my long and maddening exile. To become emperor was my lifelong dream, and AWESOME had snatched it from my paws.

  What could I do now? I admit: The thought of raiding the father-ogre’s stash of catnip mice and forgetting my troubles did cross my mind.

  But this was no time for weakness! My entire destiny hung in the balance. I would become the next Emperor of the Universe—I must! I just had to figure out how.

  CHAPTER 9

  I was glad to find Klawde in the basement when I got home from the library—not just because he’d gotten down from the tree without breaking his neck, but because of what I had to tell him.

  “It’s so crazy, Klawde,” I said. “You’re just like Napoleon!”

  I had to hop back to avoid getting my shin sliced open.

  “You interrupt me now, in the most crucial moment of my existence, to spout this nonsense?” he said. “To compare me to an undersized ogre!”

  “Um, sorry,” I said. “But what’s so crucial about right now?”

  “Never mind,” he grumbled. “Just tell me what you came to say and get it over with.”

  “You and Napoleon sound exactly alike,” I said. “Listen to what he said: Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.”

  “That is true,” Klawde said grudgingly.

  “And how about: Death is nothing, but to live defeated and inglorious is to die daily?”

  “Well, of course it is.”

  “Oh, and this: Friends must always be treated as if one day they might be enemies.”

  “This Human is plagiarizing! Somehow he must have had access to the wisdom of the ancient felines,” Klawde said. “Tell me more about this Napoleon ogre. Was he, in fact, a cat?”

  “No, he was a general. During the French Revolution.” I explained how the revolution in France was like the one in America, except it was a lot more violent. Especially for members of the royal family. “They cut off the king’s head. And his wife’s, too.”

  “That’s pleasing.”

  But then things got really nuts, I told him. After the king got guillotined, there was the Reign of Terror, when anyone who didn’t agree with the new government of France got their heads chopped off, too.

  “What a positively delightful tale! Why did you not tell me of this before?”

  “Well, the French Revolution wasn’t supposed to be about violence,” I said. “The revolutionaries were actually trying to spread democracy and education. And, like, equality between nobles and commoners.”

  “That’s boring,” Klawde said. “What does Napoleon have to do with it?”

  “All the other European rulers really hated the Revolution, so they went to war against France to make them have a king again. The only good general France had was Napoleon, who was crazy brilliant at strategy. And so after he won a bunch of battles, he became leader of the whole country.”

  “So he crushed his enemies,” Klawde said, “and then later he crushed his own citizens? That is an excellent strategy.”

  “But that’s not exactly what happened,” I said. “Napoleon started off being elected. And when he took over other countries, he said it was to spread the goodness and ideals of the Revolution.”

  “Why in the eighty-seven moons would he do that?”

  “To get the people’s support. But he was just telling them what they wanted to hear. As soon as he could, he got rid of all the democracy and good stuff and became a tyrant. Like the worst.”

  Klawde’s whiskers began to twitch in that freaky way they sometimes did.

  “So let me make sure I understand this correctly,” Klawde said. “Napoleon only pretended to be a do-gooder, and then, after he got other do-gooders to help him become emperor, he turned on them?”

  “Yeah, pretty much.”

  Klawde began to purr. Really loudly.

  I had no idea he liked history so much.

  CHAPTER 10

  It struck me like a supernova! The Napoleon of whom the boy-ogre spoke was a genius. Naturally, I resisted the idea, him being a lowly Human. But his tactics were undeniably shrewd.

  I called my minion to explain what I had learned.

  “So you’re saying this ogre became an emperor by acting like he was good?” Flooffee asked.

  “Exactly!” I said.

  “So . . . why do we care?”

  “We care, you fool, because I have decided to accept membership in GAG. I will pretend to adopt their kindhearted ways, and the simpleminded cretins will immediately nominate me as their candidate for emperor!”

  “Wow, that sounds like a super plan, O Mostest Brilliantest One,” Flooffee said.

  “But who will AWESOME run as their candidate?” I wondered. “Will they pick Akorn? No no, he is a follower, not a leader. Perhaps Zok the Shark Lord? No, everyone is too afraid of her. Whoever they nominate, you must report to me as soon as you know.”

  “No problemo, Your Epicness!”

  Having given my minion his marching orders, I set about my next task. Distasteful though it would be, it was the only way.

  I went to the yard and began to dig beneath the oak tree. The feeling of moist soil between my claws disgusted me. How could the canines stand it?

  Soon, however, I found what I was looking for. I pressed the central button, and a hologram appeared.

  “Barx,” I said solemnly. “I have reconsidered your offer.”

  CHAPTER 11

  On Wednesday, I went over to Newt’s house to work on our project outline. But it was hard to concentrate with her two little bro
thers running around. Newt was supposed to be babysitting them.

  “Maybe we should make a diorama,” I said.

  “He said diarrhea!” Wyatt said.

  “Dia-whea! Dia-whea!” Taz yelled.

  “Shut up, you dorks,” Newt said.

  “Or we could do a slideshow,” I suggested. “With pictures of Napoleon and facts about his life and stuff.”

  “Yeah, that’s a great idea,” Newt said. “Why don’t you get started writing the outline while I go get us something to eat. Do you like pizza?”

  My stomach grumbled. Hot lunch today was kale casserole, which I didn’t touch, and I’d been starving since way before practice.

  “Uh, yeah,” I said. “I love pizza.”

  “Okay, great,” she said. “I’ll be right back.”

  Then she was out the door, and I could hear her skateboard scraping down the sidewalk.

  It took me almost an hour to realize that Newt had tricked me again. She wasn’t coming back. At least not anytime soon and not with pizza. She’d gotten me to do the outline all by myself—plus she’d stuck me babysitting.

  And what was that smell?

  I felt someone tap me on the shoulder. “Time to change Taz.”

  “What?”

  Wyatt pointed at Taz.

  “What do you mean?”

  “His diaper,” Wyatt said.

  “DIA-PUH!” Taz repeated.

  That explained the smell. I grabbed my phone as fast as I could to text Newt.

  GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW!!!

  Then I called her. Like ten times. But she didn’t pick up.

  So I held my breath and changed Taz’s diaper. What else could I do? It wasn’t his fault he had the world’s worst older sister.

  At five thirty, their mom got home and I left. I was halfway to my house when my phone dinged. I figured it was Newt, texting with some lame excuse or another.