Emperor of the Universe

by Johnny Marciano

  But it was from Dad.

  I CAN’T FIND KLAWDE!

  CHAPTER 12

  Although the GAG meeting was being held on the panda planet of Bambokki, Barx had insisted that I teleport to the Dog Star Cluster first. And thus I emerged from the wormhole onto ReeTreeVur, which was, I quickly realized, the smelliest planet on which I had ever set paw. The very air stank like wet dog fur.

  Or maybe that was because I was inside Barx’s den.

  “Tell me again why I’m here,” I said.

  “You’re one of us now, Klawde!” the insufferable mutt replied. “And dogs always travel in a pack, because being together is more fun than being alone!”

  I gritted my teeth.

  “All righty then,” Barx said, “let’s get you dressed.”

  “Dressed?”

  “Why sure! No member of GAG walks around naked! We have a dress code.”

  “You want me to wear clothing? Like an ogre?”

  “Don’t worry,” Barx said. “I have something really special for you. But first, which collar do you think I should wear? The brown one, which matches my eyes, or the red one, for contrast?”

  I was considering scratching those eyes out when the air suddenly exploded with barks and howls. The sound filled my feline soul with dread. “What is happening?”

  “That’s just the rest of our delegation,” Barx said. “Come on in, friends! Hi, Comrade Muffee! Hello there, Comrade Fydo!”

  As a dozen motley mutts entered the den, the fur on my spine rose. Why were they panting like that? And why were they getting so close to my behind?

  Sniff sniff sniff! Sniff sniff sniff!

  “Stop that!” I roared.

  “Sorry, pal, everyone’s just dying to find out what an honest and sincere cat smells like!” Barx said.

  I retreated into the corner, but then a dog in a purple vest and matching booties did something even more unspeakable than sniffing. She licked me on the face.

  “Why in the eighty-seven moons did you do that?”

  “It’s our way of saying hello!” she said. “How do cats say hello?”

  “We don’t.”

  For some reason, all the dogs commenced wagging their tails. More disturbingly, many of them began to scratch themselves. Did they have fleas? Would they give fleas to me? I began to feel uncontrollably itchy.

  “I noticed you were admiring Pookie’s matching vest and boots,” Barx said.

  “I most certainly was not.”

  “Oh, come on, I know you like them,” Barx said with a wag. “Well, I didn’t have time to make you any boots, but I did knit you this sweater. It matches mine!”

  With his teeth, the dog held up the ugliest thing I had ever seen. And I lived on Earth.

  I began to reconsider whether becoming Emperor of the Universe was worth spending one more millisecond with this slobbering idiot.

  CHAPTER 13

  By the time I got home, Dad was in full panic mode. “I was calling and calling for Klawde, but he never came!”

  “Well, that’s not so unusual,” I said.

  “But I was yelling that I had paneer,” Dad said. “And you know he knows that word.”

  “Among others,” I mumbled.

  “I know, right?” Dad said. “Sometimes I could swear he understands English.”

  “Did you check the tree he’s been hanging out in?” I asked. “The really tall one?”

  “I did!” Dad said. “And I walked around the whole neighborhood calling for him.”

  This was a little surprising. I mean, Klawde might act like he was deaf, but if someone mentioned a dairy product, he had super-hearing. I wondered if his disappearance had something to do with that whole becoming-a-hermit thing he’d been talking about.

  “Well, you know how cats are, Dad,” I said. “Sometimes they just go off to be alone. And they can crawl into really small spaces. I mean, Klawde could still be in the house and we’d never know it.”

  “I suppose you’re right,” he said. He didn’t sound convinced, though.

  “Where’d the paneer come from, anyway?” I asked.

  “Your grandma sent a care package in the mail,” Dad said absently. “Look, Raj, I think you and I should do another search through the neighborhood.”

  “But, um, maybe we should heat up some of this food first?” I said, opening the box. I still hadn’t eaten today, and it was full of good stuff, including Ajji’s homemade mango pickles. And her sambar!

  Dad stared at me in shock. “How can you eat at a time like this?” he said.

  But as soon as the microwave started going and the smell of Ajji’s dal filled the kitchen, his face changed. “Well, maybe we do need a little food, Raj. Just to keep our energy up while we’re out looking.”

  As we sat down to eat, it crossed my mind that maybe Klawde had decided to go with Barx to the Good Animals Group.

  But on second thought, that was just too ridiculous.

  CHAPTER 14

  Bambokki was humid, covered in tall, pole-like trees, and unbearably hot. The infernal sweater Barx forced me to wear made me even hotter.

  “Here we are—the convention hall,” Barx said, pushing the door open with his nose. “Welcome to your first meeting of GAG, Klawde, old pal!”

  The cavernous room was teeming with gentle rabbits, fuzzy koalas, kindhearted chipmunks, and our fat, jolly panda hosts.

  It was disgusting.

  If I had felt out of place in the Dog Star Cluster, it was far worse here. At least dogs were fellow predators, capable of sudden acts of lethal violence. The only thing these “Good Animals” wanted to do was be friendly and welcome me to their idiotic club.

  I knew I needed to win over these simpletons if I wanted my scheme to succeed, but I was too hungry to fake my way through their small talk. I made my way to the buffet, hoping for some delectable roasted sprikkelbrats with groundbird meatballs, or at least ten-species-shish-kebab. But there was nothing except some kind of green, fibrous substance.

  “Pardon me,” I asked the panda in front of me. “Where is the food?”

  “Where’s the food?” The black-and-white buffoon looked at me like I was the stupid one. “You’re looking at it, friend! These here shoots are the tenderest bamboo in the whole galaxy!”

  He stuck a stalk in his mouth and started to chew.

  I attempted to do the same. It tasted like a stick.

  “Time to circle up, everyone!” called a different panda. “I want you to say hello to the animal on your left, and then to the animal on your right. And remember, while we may be different species out there, we’re all the same species in here!”

  I was trying to process this gibberish when the mole to my left said, “Hello there, chum! Nice sweater!” And the fuzzy rabbit on my other side said, “Hi, kitty cat!” Then he tried rubbing noses with me.

  “Please don’t do that.”

  “Let’s each set an intention for what we want to accomplish here today,” the panda said. “And I want you to thank yourselves for getting off your home planet today and trying to make a difference.”

  I intend to rule the universe, I said to myself. Thank me.

  Next, we sat through breathing exercises and a sharing circle, and then we had to recite the Oath of Goodness and Loyalty. I was beginning to despair that we would ever get to the reason I had come, but at last the presiding panda declared that it was time to pick a candidate for emperor.

  “So, who would like to make the first nomination?” she asked.

  A mouse was the first to speak. “I think it’s high time a rabbit be emperor!”

  “Oh no,” the rabbits murmured. “We are not worthy!”

  The rabbits then suggested a panda be the candidate, but the pandas also demurred. It went on like this for what seemed like an eternity, with
every species insisting that some other species should be emperor. Did none of them want the job, or were they just faking? The latter was the only reasonable explanation, of course, but these animals were dripping with sincerity.

  “How about our canine friends?” a giraffe said. “They are so wise—maybe they know who we should nominate.”

  “We’re not wise at all!” Barx said. “But you know who is both wise and sincere? Our new feline friend here. Has everyone met Klawde?”

  In unison, all the animals turned to me and said, “Hello, friend Klawde!”

  A small bright-eyed creature I couldn’t quite identify—it looked like a cross between a gerbil and a dustball—called out, “Who do you think we should nominate, friend Klawde?”

  This was the moment I had been waiting for. Standing up tall and proud, I addressed the representatives of the many peaceful species of the universe.

  “In all humility, the only reasonable answer can be . . .” I paused dramatically. “Me!”

  CHAPTER 15

  It had been over twenty-four hours since any of us had seen Klawde. He’d never been gone this long before, and by the time I left for school, even Mom was worried.

  That afternoon I decided to skip basketball practice to go look for him. Cedar and Steve came, too, and Dad met us at the door with a mountain of LOST CAT flyers he’d made.

  “I took this picture last week, right after he bit me on the nose,” Dad said. Tears welled up in his eyes. “I sure do miss that little guy.”

  Mom, meanwhile, handed me a map of Elba. Big red Xs marked all the stores and intersections where she wanted us to put up the posters.

  “You kids take our neighborhood and the rest of the north side, and I’ll do the south.” She glanced over at my dad. “And, Krish,” she said, “maybe you should stay home in case Klawde comes back.”

  Dad nodded, sniffling.

  Cedar, Steve, and I walked around stapling flyers to telephone poles. I started to feel a little better, just because I was doing something.

  “Hey, Raj! How’s it going?” It was Lindy, taking Wuffles for a walk. She stopped to read the poster I’d just put up, and her eyes went wide. “You can’t find Klawde?”

  I shook my head. “You haven’t seen him in your yard, have you?”

  “No, not for days. Chad misses him,” she said. “Gosh, I hope he’s okay. Did you hear about the Walkers’ cat? It got attacked by a coyote last week.”

  “Whoa,” Steve said. “Is the cat okay?”

  “Yeah! It’s totally learning to walk on three legs now,” Lindy said. “And it really only needs one eye.”

  I felt a knot growing in my stomach. Could even Klawde survive getting attacked by a coyote?

  We walked around for three more hours until all of Elba was postered. I kept checking my phone, hoping to get a text from Dad that Klawde was back.

  “Call us if you find him,” Cedar said as she and Steve headed home.

  When I got back to the house, Dad was lying on the couch, staring at the ceiling. “I haven’t been scratched in over thirty-six hours,” he said. “It’s just not right.”

  My mom put her arm around me. “I’m so sorry, Raj,” she said. “Are you okay?”

  “The real question is,” I said, “is Klawde okay?”

  Mom gave me a kiss. “I hope so,” she said.

  CHAPTER 16

  I was fantastic. After I nominated myself, an awed hush fell over the crowd. At least, I expected it was awed. Who could tell what these meek fuzzballs were thinking? Even Barx was hard to read. Was he wagging like that because he approved?

  “Can he do that?” a rotund groundhog finally asked. “We never nominate ourselves for anything here at GAG.”

  “We nominate others—it’s more polite,” a small pink-eyed rabbit pointed out.

  “Indeed it is,” I said. “And it is yet another reason why GAG is so wonderful. But allow me to explain why I should be your candidate for the emperorship.”

  The members of GAG were born listeners, and it was refreshing not to have to bludgeon anyone into silence, as was customary at AWESOME gatherings.

  I first pointed out my years of experience ruling a planet. “As the Supreme Leader of Lyttyrboks, I . . . well, never mind the specifics. I did many, many great things. And as Emperor of the Universe, I will do many more great things!”

  “Like spreading peace and harmony across the universe?” the rabbit called out.

  “Right, exactly like that.” I saw many animals nodding. Was it possible they believed me? “As emperor,” I said, “I will be a champion of kindness and equality for all creatures, wherever they live and whatever they may be.” After nearly choking on a hairball—how appropriate this group was named “GAG”—I went on. “I will be a candidate who stands for respect, honesty, and sincere apologies. I believe that by joining together, we can form a more perfect universe!”

  At this point, an objection was raised by a small morsel—I mean, mouse.

  “He does sound sincere about wanting to spread goodwill and kindness,” she squeaked. “But the name Wyss-Kuzz still inspires fear on all the million mouse moons.”

  Do not purr, I told myself.

  “But I am no longer Wyss-Kuzz,” I said. “I am now Klawde. My experience living among the primitive Humans has changed me. As proof, I will tell you what the Allied Warlords of Evil said when they kicked me out of their group.”

  Though it pained me to do so, I read aloud the slanderous charges my former clubmates had leveled against me, including the part about cavorting with dogs and Humans.

  “It’s true,” Barx said. “All Klawde’s evil friends think he’s a loser now.”

  “But what if this is a trick?” the mouse said, unconvinced.

  “How can it be a trick?” the rabbit asked. “He took the Oath of Goodness and Loyalty!”

  The mouse’s whiskers twitched in thought. “Well, I guess no one would ever break an oath,” she said.

  “I understand why our mouse friend is appetizing to—I mean, objecting to me. After all, I am a former evil warlord. But my past experiences will help me spread truth and love even better, because I understand how evil warlords think. I alone will be able to defeat the candidate of AWESOME. And, after having done so, I will be able to work with the warlords, so we can all join together to create lasting change throughout space and time!” I raised my tail proudly in the air. “Are you with me, Good Animals?”

  The response was deafening and unanimous.

  “Klawde for emperor!”

  “Huzzah! Huzzah!”

  “Long live Klawde!”

  The approving roar of the crowd reminded me of the feline mob back home before they turned on me. Perhaps I was only the leader of a bunch of softhearted cretins, but I was again a leader.

  Today, GAG; tomorrow, the universe!

  CHAPTER 17

  The house was awfully quiet that night. I was brushing my teeth, wondering where Klawde could be, when everything got lit up by a bright green flash. I immediately ran to the window. Could it be—

  “Krish,” Mom called, “I thought that electrician told you the problem was fixed.”

  Then we heard that familiar sound—a cry like a possum being electrocuted.

  “Klawde!” Dad cried, practically falling down the stairs to get to the front door. “You’re back!”

  He flung the door open and scooped the cat up so quickly, I don’t think Klawde knew what was happening. “Oh, kitty,” Dad said, “we missed you so much.”

  Klawde scratched Dad on the cheek, struggled out of his arms, and ran into the kitchen.

  “I bet you’re hungry,” Mom said, getting out some of Ajji’s yogurt rice and putting it down for Klawde. “After all your gallivanting.”

  Klawde devoured everything. He was opening his mouth up as wide as it wo
uld go and not even chewing.

  “Where did you go, little guy? What kind of adventures did you have?” Dad said. “I can’t even imagine.”

  Dad might not have been able to, but I could. And I was furious.

  Before I could confront Klawde, though, I had to wait until he finished three giant bowls of food. Then I followed him upstairs to my bedroom, making sure to shut the door behind me so my parents wouldn’t ask who I was yelling at.

  “You’ve been off-planet,” I said. “I saw the flash!”

  “That is a very rude tone to be using with the future lord of all living matter, ogre.”

  “What are you talking about?” I said. “Wait, don’t answer that. I’m too mad at you. How could you disappear for two whole days and not tell us? You didn’t even leave me a note! I skipped basketball practice to look for you today.”

  “Shouldn’t you be thanking me for that?”

  “No, it’s important to me,” I said. “Do you have any idea how many people were trying to find you? Or how many posters we put up? You can’t go anywhere in Elba without seeing your face.”

  “My likeness should grace every corner of this dreary planet,” Klawde said. “When I was Supreme Leader of Lyttyrboks, it was law that my portrait hang in every public place.”

  “Well, you’re not in charge on Earth,” I said. “And you can’t just disappear like that!”

  “I don’t have to answer to you. In mere moonrises, you and every other living creature in the universe will bow down before me!”

  “Klawde, what—”

  “Silence!” he said. “I must nap.”

  “Where did you go, anyway? Were you with Barx? Did you go to the Good Animals meeting?”

  Klawde refused to answer.

  I wondered what he was hiding from me. And what was all this bowing down before him stuff? It was normal for him to talk about conquering a planet, but not ruling the universe. Had my cat finally lost his mind?