Naked or Dead

by Murphy, A. E.

  Nokosi: Who is this?

  Willow: The evil twin, Willow.

  Nokosi: What do you need?

  Willow: I want to do something nice for Lily, but I need an outsider’s help.

  Nokosi: You call her Lily?

  Willow: Not to her face. She hates it.

  Nokosi: What do you need?

  Willow: Did you know that she adores painting?

  Nokosi: I didn’t know that.

  Willow: She can be quite the artist when she wants to be. It’s not something she’s done in a while.

  Nokosi: Why not?

  Willow: We move so much that it seemed pointless to keep getting out her paints. She doesn’t do it the traditional way. She likes to paint walls, or huge canvasses.

  Nokosi: Seriously? I don’t see it.

  I send him a few pictures from our past and wait for him to reply. Meanwhile Lilith is playing snap with Mom after cooking us an incredible lasagna. I didn’t get to enjoy much of it thanks to the sickness, but what I tasted was amazing. My mouth is watering just thinking about it.

  “You okay?” Mom asks, feeling my eyes on her.

  I smile at them both. “I’m better than okay.”

  Nokosi: She’s amazing.

  Willow: Right? So… will you help me, in secret? You can’t say a thing to her.

  Nokosi: You need to tell me what you need first.

  I laugh at my own stupidity and Lilith raises a brow, likely surprised that I’m laughing at all.

  I flip her my middle finger and go back to texting her boyfriend.

  Willow: I need your help clearing out the garage when she’s either sleeping or not here… and then painting the walls a bright white… think it’s possibly?

  Nokosi: Sure, why not?

  Willow: Epic! But she can’t know… okay? It’s a surprise. She can’t know a thing. We don’t know each other, we’ve never met.

  Nokosi: Until it’s done?

  Willow: Exactly. Until it’s done and then whatever.

  Nokosi: Fine. How bad is the garage?

  Willow: It’s not too bad. Nothing you can’t cart out of here in that truck of yours. I’ll give you gas money and whatever else you need.

  Nokosi: Don’t want your money, just let me know when and I’ll be there. But if your sister catches me, I will sing like a canary. No way I’m risking her wrath. Got it?

  Willow: Don’t blame you. Bitch has a temper.

  “Why are you smiling like that? It’s creeping me out.”

  “Shut the fuck up,” I say to Lilith and Mom’s eyes swing my way, wild with annoyance. “What? She keeps bugging me.”

  “Language,” Mom hisses, sounding more animal than human.

  “I’m dying, you’d think cussing would be allowed.”

  “It sounds trashy.”

  “As opposed to Lily’s pink hair?”

  “My hair is not trashy, and don’t call me Lily!”

  I stick my tongue out at her and then pull a face at Mom when she’s not looking. “I’m going to bed.”

  “Fuck that, you made me stay in so that we could spend time,” Lilith snaps, looking annoyed. “If you’re going to bed, then I’m going out.”

  “What about me?” Mom asks, looking between us both. “You both complain that I’m never here and here I damn well am.”

  “Damn is a cuss,” I point out and she growls at me like a fucking tiger or some shit. I zip my lips with a shaky hand and grin at my sister who is grinning at me. We’re joking together. Just like old times. I feel like we haven’t been this way in so long.

  “I’m going,” Lilith suddenly announces while standing, and I feel irritated immediately.

  “No,” I declare, patting the seat beside me. “Stay. I won’t sleep yet. Let’s do something fun together.”

  “Like what?” she looks as irritated as I felt a moment ago, though I’m better at hiding it.

  Truth be told I don’t have anything to entice her with, nothing as new and as exciting as what Nokosi can offer her and I hate that. So fucking bad.

  I hate him. I just don’t get it. I don’t like men anyway, but knowing she’s fallen for the embodiment of everything we hate in a man is baffling to me. I’m not sure I’ll ever get over it.

  I’m not sure I’ll ever get past it. Not until he’s gone and she’s all mine again. Where she’s safe from hurt.

  * * *

  Lilith

  I wag my fingers at Barbie as I pass her in the hall. I just love antagonizing her.

  So does Nokosi. He winds his arm around my neck in a casual display of affection and possession and glares at her as we pass, his jaw moving as he chews on a wad of minty gum that he stole from me upon arrival.

  We didn’t ride to school together today because Nokosi has to work, which sucks. I can’t go with him because I promised Mom I’d go shopping for groceries and run a few other errands. Nothing major but I have to make the long trip to Astoria because Westoria doesn’t have what I need.

  It’s times like this that I almost wish I had friends outside of Nok and my sister.

  Maybe I can consider it now that I’m thinking of staying. I just have to convince Willow.

  “See you later,” I whisper against Nokosi’s lips when he leaves me at the door to my classroom. He’ll be there to pick me up when I’m done too. I fucking love how involved he is and hope it never stops.

  Lilith: Want to come to Astoria with me after school? If you’re feeling up to it?

  Willow: I dunno… my head is pounding.

  Lilith: Please? If you get too tired, I’ll bring you straight back. Promise.

  Willow: Fine. But only because I could use some new makeup.

  Lilith: And nail polish.

  Willow: That too.

  Lilith: And a bikini or something to swim in. Nokosi wants to take me to the beach on Saturday. You can come?

  Willow: No fucking thanks to that. I thought we were chilling on Saturday?

  Lilith: It’s his only day off this week. I figured you wouldn’t mind swapping to Sunday?

  Willow: Whatever.

  Lilith: Don’t be a needy bitch. I deserve to have a bit of fun.

  Willow: Do you? Do we? How long until our past catches up to us?

  Lilith: I’m ending this conversation.

  She doesn’t text me again and I don’t her. Instead I pay attention to the teacher and look around the class to scope out my peers. Maybe I can be friends with one of them.

  But then friends ask questions and questions sometimes answer themselves.

  No. It’s better that I stay secluded, and when the school year ends, I can just vanish into the woods with Nokosi and stay there forever.

  Right?

  As expected, Nokosi is waiting for me at break. We make out for a while by the lockers, ignoring the disgusted groans of those around us.

  “Did you speak to your mom and sister yet about staying?”

  “No, I haven’t really seen Mom,” I reply, walking my fingers up the buttons of his shirt as he peers down at me with those acorn-colored eyes. “And my sister is too… fragile right now. But I’ll bring it up soon, I promise.”

  “Make sure you do.”

  I smile at him and wag my brows. “You really want me to stay.”

  “That obvious, huh?”

  Giggling quietly, I kiss him again, humming when our lips collide. “What if I stay and you get bored of me?”

  “Then I’ll throw you off the res to be with the rest of your white trash brethren,” he jests, linking our fingers together and biting on my lower lip. “Don’t worry about the future.”

  It’s my past that scares me, I think but definitely do not say. The future will always be uncertain, but my past is definite and there’s no running from it. Not really.

  “What happened to you, Nok? Will you ever tell me?”

  He tenses. “What are you talking about?”

  “I’m attuned to you in a way I don’t understand, but ever since we met I just know
there’s something there. Something you’re hiding from the world. Something you’ve never told anybody.”

  His smile fades entirely. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “Okay,” I reply and shrug my shoulders. “But I do. And I can tell right off the bat when somebody is damaged. Let me help you.”

  “Stop sucking face,” Payne cries and hooks an arm around Nokosi’s neck, yanking him away from me. “It’s disgusting.”

  I give him two middle fingers. “Your face is disgusting.”

  “Yeah, right, I’m prettier than this douchebag. You’re just sad you didn’t meet me first.”

  “Devastated,” I mumble sarcastically and Nokosi winks at me over his shoulder, seeming to have forgotten the conversation we were having already. Or perhaps he’s choosing to ignore. I think I might have pressed too soon and in all honesty I’m not sure why I think I’m worthy of his secrets when I hold tight to so many of my own.

  “I’ll be right behind you,” I call after them as they continue to goof around on their way to next lesson.

  “Miss Deville,” Bromley yells, making me and many others turn to see what he wants. He pants as he catches up to me, ignoring the jibes coming from the other students about his weight. “I forgot to say that Mrs. Plumley wants to see you in the office.”

  “Why?” I cringe, annoyed.

  “I don’t know, nor do I care, but you’re to head there immediately.”

  “Aye aye, Captain,” I grumble, turning back the way I just came.

  “Less attitude, Miss Deville, and maybe you’ll make more friends.”

  “Less burgers, Mr. Bromley, and maybe you won’t look eight months pregnant,” I retort and watch his face turn beet red as students cheer around us, some laughing, some oohing, one even shouts, “ROASTED!”

  I stomp past him, flipping my pink hair over my shoulder as I go. It could use another coat of dye. Something else to pick up during our shopping trip later.

  “Savage,” a boy from the year below me calls as I’m stomping past. He also smacks my ass making my right butt cheek sting like a bitch but raises both hands defensively when I glare at him. His smile soon fades when he sees something over my shoulder. I take in his face, putting him down as a potential— NO. No. I’m not doing that. Not anymore.

  I grin, flashing my teeth when Nokosi grabs the boy by his hair, making him whimper, and throws him to the floor as though he weighs nothing.

  “That’s what you get,” a nearby girl says to the kid who is curled into the fetal position on the floor. I recognize her to be Mackenzie, I share a couple of classes with her. She likes my hair. “Touching girls without their permission. Scumbag.”

  Nokosi spits at the guy and wraps me under his arm again. I lace my fingers through his that are hanging over my shoulder. “Can’t let you anywhere alone,” he whispers in my ear.

  “Guess you’ll just have to escort me everywhere then.”

  After he bites the ear he just whispered into, I squeal and pull away, giving a friendly nod to Mackenzie who is standing by an open locker. I’m guessing it’s hers. I’m surprised to see the inside door full of article cutouts of the School Sigil Searer serial killer. She must be obsessed too.

  “We should introduce her to Bobby or Joseph. They’d get on great.”

  Nokosi glances behind him to see what I just saw. “She’s hot, they’d dig her.”

  “Don’t call her hot,” I admonish, frowning. “I’m the only hot girl you know.”

  “You’re not hot. You’re scorching. Roasting. Metal couldn’t withstand your heat.”

  “Shut up.”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  Laughing, I tuck my hand into the waistband of his school pants, grab his boxer briefs and pull them as high as they’ll go. I have never heard Nok squeak so high-pitched.

  I run all the way to the office, his footsteps close behind. By the time I get there I’m a mess of hysterics, tears streaming down my face.

  “Miss Deville.” Mrs. Plumley pushes her glasses up her nose and tips her head back so as to look at me better. “Thank you for coming.”

  “I’ll be waiting,” Nokosi says ominously so I shut the office door in his face, laughing when his glaring eyes continue staring at me through the glass panel in the heavy door.

  I wipe my face with the back of my hands, using my phone screen to check for streaks of makeup. I’m good.

  “Your attention, Miss Deville.”

  “You wanted to see me?” I ask, turning back to face her.

  “I still don’t have your records.”

  “Oh, those,” I wet my lips. “I have them coming, I swear. I’ll bring them in the next few days.”

  “You must, it’s extremely important I have them.”

  “No sweat, Mrs. P. I promise. It’s taken a bit of time because of how many schools I’ve attended.”

  She nods, her face softens with understanding. “It’s hard being under the control of parents who have jobs that take us to many places. I was an army brat myself. We were always moving. You seem to be adjusting well enough to life at Lakeside prep.”

  I shrug both shoulders. “I do my best to fit in.”

  “Your schoolwork has been exemplary, and your teachers have no complaints.”

  “I’m glad to hear it, Mrs. P. It’s nice to have you who understands too.”

  “I do.” She looks honored, likely because she relates to me and she probably doesn’t get that very often. “Well, off you go. Please don’t forget your records.”

  I dip my chin and turn to pull the door open but Nokosi already has it pushed to a full ninety-degree angle.

  He nods politely at the desk lady and takes my hand in his.

  “When I said you should just escort me everywhere, I didn’t mean it,” I whisper, smiling wryly at him.

  He ignores me and continues on his way, despite the fact he’s now going to be late. His class is on the other side of the building.

  We kiss at the door to mine, deep but brief, and I watch his ass as he saunters away, a dreamy smile on my face.

  * * *

  “Please don’t take that,” I whisper at Willow who is about to stuff the dark blue nail polish into her pocket.

  She rolls her eyes to me and pouts petulantly, making her thick lower lip pointed and cute. “But it’s so much fun.”

  “I know it is and I get it. You know I do. I’m not opposed to a bit of five-finger discount, but I’ve decided I want us to stay and can’t have the cops sniffing around me over a shoplifting accusation.”

  She drops the bottle onto the floor, it doesn’t break but it does clatter loud enough to draw the eyes of the bored-looking college student running the store while reading a magazine.

  “Sorry,” I say, bending down to pick up the polish and put it back on its plastic shelf. When I stand to my full height I glare at my sister. “Was that necessary?”

  She ignores me and moves to the bags, touching the chain handle of one. “This would make a great weapon.”

  Anything can be a weapon if you’re sadistic enough and my sister definitely is.

  I watch her pick up a blue thong in the underwear section and stick it down her pants.

  Groaning, I move around her, grabbing her arm as I go. We dump the foundations, nail polishes, and new eyeliners we’ve chosen, as well as a bottle of pink hair dye for me. My sister wants to stay a mundane brown. I don’t care.

  The girl scans our items and pops them into a paper bag with a handle. I carry them, and as soon as we’re outside and out of eyeshot, my sister adds two bottles of nail polish, two new thongs, and a pair of socks with giraffes on them.

  “You’re incorrigible.”

  “And you’re out of order making decisions for both of us without consulting me. As if I want to spend my last days on earth watching you suck face with that boy.”

  “He’s not just any boy, Willow. I wish you’d be happy for me.”

  She narrows her eyes, making the j
ade green look as though it’s glowing. “He’s going to hurt you.”

  “And I’ll have you to comfort me when he does. Just like old times, back before… before everything happened.”

  “You mean before we were raped,” she replies on a hiss.

  I look away, feeling my cheeks heat with rage that makes my arms and hands shake. “They got what was coming to them.” I wet my lips and climb into Mom’s car. “But we can move past it. I want to move past it. I want to live again, be happy, finish the school year and go to prom.”

  “And what about me?”

  “Not everything has to be about you and the fact you’re dying. If anything, you should want me to find happiness before you die, so I’m not alone when you go.”

  She stares ahead but I see something flicker in her eyes, a realization perhaps, compassion maybe. Who knows? When it comes to Willow, she rarely thinks about anyone but herself. She never has.

  My memories have been coming and going, some things I can remember as though they happened yesterday, such as when Willow and I used to play pranks on our neighbor and steal pears from their tree in the garden. They didn’t mind, they had way too many to eat anyway.

  But a lot of memories, such as the rape and things since then, are hazy, foggy. It’s like I know the details, I know they happened, but I can’t quite recall the images.

  “Would you at least consider staying here? Letting me be happy?” I ask my sister, placing my hand over hers on her lap.

  She looks away and pulls her hand from under mine. “He’ll dump you. Men like him never stick around.”

  “You’re wrong. He cares about me. I can tell.” Putting the car in gear I peel out of our parking spot and head home with a trunk full of groceries and the things we need.