Whammo Ranch

by Jerry Boyd

  “They’re a garage band!”

  John got out a Frisbee, and Taz said, “Could you please throw it to me, sir?”

  John obliged, and Taz caught it with a spin. As he came around, he threw right over Snitz’ head. It skipped, and turned into a floater for Snitz to chase. John said, “You guys have been practicing.”

  Taz said, “Yes, sir. We have become Frisbetarians. ‘What goes around, comes around. When you die, your soul goes up on the roof, and you can’t get it down.’”

  John marveled, “Mac Davis? You fellas have been searching the net.”

  “We wish to ‘fit in’, sir.”

  “Keep it up, you’ll fit in fine.”

  We showed Max how to throw, and played Frisbee till the sound of a guitar riff came from the back of the shop. Soon a bass joined in. Taz said, “I believe I am needed.”

  He trundled off toward the sound. Soon, ‘Back in Black’ filled the shop.

  I looked at John. “Beats a stereo!”

  “Sure does!”

  We threw the Frisbee around some more, enjoying the music and having a good time. When the boys played something danceable, I did my best to keep up with Nikki. Nikki’s comm beeped, and she said, “Where did the time go? It’s time to wake Joanna.” She and John went to take care of that. I asked the boys if they would be able to do some work, since we had other places we needed to be. Topper asked, “Was our playing acceptable, sir?”

  “Your playing was wonderful, Topper. I’m looking forward to hearing you again. We have more parts to move, and I want to get you started on putting things together.” I had them bring the new parts and the donor car to the shop, and explained what needed to be done. Topper said, “If we have questions, we will get in touch, sir. There are more new parts coming, correct?”

  “Yes. There is very little of the original car we will need to use.”

  As we were walking toward the house, we met Nikki and John helping Joanna get used to walking again. I asked, “How do you feel, Mrs. Jackson?”

  “Pretty dang good, for an old woman. Soon as I get my balance back, I’ll be fine. Oh, and it’s miss, I never found a man who would put up with me.”

  “Can’t imagine that, ma’am.”

  “You must be Bob Wilson. Delilah told me about you.”

  “Anything good?”

  “Just to watch myself, because you are a smooth talker.”

  “Surely you’re thinking of John here. He’s the one always gets the women in bed.”

  Nikki slapped my arm. “That’s because he’s the doctor, asshole.”

  “You’re a proctologist now, John?”

  “I have to be, to take care of you.”

  Joanna looked at Nikki, “These two always like this?”

  “No, ma’am. Mostly they’re worse.”

  “I think I might like it here.”

  When we got to the house, I realized we hadn’t had lunch. I asked, “Joanna, do you like chili?”

  “I did, till my belly got old and picky. Bet I can handle it again.”

  I got out some I had frozen, and started it thawing in the microwave. She said, “Frozen chili? Ain’t storebought, is it?”

  “No ma’am. Had it in the crock pot all day before I froze it. Sometimes a body just don’t have time to think that far ahead.”

  She looked at Nikki. “His eyes are brown, right?”

  “Nope, they’re blue. Delilah has accused him of wearing colored contacts, though.”

  “I bet she has.”

  I’d just gotten the chili on the table when my comm chimed. “Bob Wilson. How can I help you today, Sergeant?”

  “I’m sending you a partial flight track. Our sensor guys think it’s an equipment malfunction, but it sounds like somebody in trouble to me. Any chance you could check up on it?”

  “Did our mutual acquaintances’ uncle put you up to this by any chance?”

  “No Bob, if he finds out where you got the track, I’ll be cleaning johns for months.”

  “On it, Mike. I’ll let you know what we find.”

  I asked the room, “Anybody up for a joyride?”

  Joanna said, “I’ve got to be at work soon.”

  Nikki replied, “You can use my car. Just be easier on it than Dee.”

  “That won’t take much. Hey, people know my old name. Who should I be?”

  Nikki said, “Probably shouldn’t change the first name, you’re used to that. What does anybody think about a last name?”

  John said, “If not Jackson, how about Michaels?”

  Joanna said, “Michael Jackson, you went there?”

  “You wanna be Jermaine?”

  “I see your point. You need to comb your hair different.”

  Nikki said, “She’ll fit right in.”

  She left for work, and the rest of us piled into John’s Wagoneer to go to his place. I asked Max if he was coming this trip, since we had quiet so Snitz could ride. He said we didn’t know what we were going to be up against, and we should save Snitz’ first flight for a time when things were more settled. Nikki said, “You’re probably right, Dad. Thanks for taking care of him.”

  We pulled in, and John ran in the house to grab his go bag. Nikki and I got the barn open and the freighter ready to fly. John came aboard and asked, “Why are we taking this big hulk?”

  I said, “We might have to bring them in saucer and all. Better to have it and not need it, don’t you think?”

  “You’re right, Bob.”

  “Can I get that notarized?”

  “Get what notarized? What did you think I said, Bob?”

  “That’s what I thought.”

  Nikki came into the cockpit in uniform. “May I have the ship, Caveman?”

  “I stand relieved, Space Cadet.”

  “Good. Now you two idiots go get your suits on.”

  John and I got dressed, and went back up to see if Nikki had found anything.

  When we returned, Nikki said, “Okay, we’re close enough to Mike’s track, I’ll crank the sensors. Wow, I see what he means. Faint, intermittent, barely there, but it does sound like someone in trouble.”

  “Can you tell where it’s coming from?”

  “Direction finding on an intermittent signal? I told you Caveman, our stuff is technology, not magic.”

  “So how do we find them? Wander around and hope the signal gets stronger?”

  John wondered, “The way the signal fades and comes back is regular. Do you think they could be tumbling?”

  Nikki replied, “That would make sense, but how does that help us?”

  I asked, “All your ships are bare metal, right? Kind of shiny?”

  Nikki said, “Yes, You guys have a plan, don’t you?”

  I said, “More like an idea. If we get between them and the sun, we might be able to see reflections as they tumble.”

  John said, “It’s at least as good as wandering around hoping.”

  Nikki said, “Let’s try.”

  Nikki put us where we thought we needed to be. Then she programmed the visual sensors to look for a flashing light. It took a little time, but an alert came up. Nikki magnified the area around it. “There! See that flash? That’s not natural.”

  She moved us in the direction of the flash, slowly.

  As we got closer, we could see it was, in fact, a saucer tumbling.

  I asked, “Can you tell how many people are aboard?”

  “There’s an adult female, who seems to be in medical distress, and a female child. I’ll try to raise them on comm.”

  I was glad I had taken the language course, but it was emotional to hear the little girl say, “Can you please help me? My Grandma is sick, and she bumped the controls when she fell. I don’t know how to fly yet.”

  Nikki said, “You’re doing good, Sweetie. I’m going to need you to do some things for me, so I can come and help. Do you think you can help me?”

  “I, I think so.”

  “Is your Grandma still on top of the c
ontrols?”

  “No. She fell down on the floor.”

  “So you can reach?”

  “If I stand on the chair. Sometimes Grandma shows me the buttons to push.”

  “Okay, that’s kind of what we are going to do, but I can’t see you, so you have to be sure before you do anything.”

  “I don’t want to make it worse.”

  “You won’t, Sweetie. We are going to make it so we can come help your Grandma.”

  “I’ll try.”

  “Good. Do you see a light flashing?”

  “Yes.”

  “Just one?”

  “Two. One is close, that I can reach, and the other is way at the top.”

  Nikki motioned me into the copilot’s seat, and gave me control. Then she said, “Okay, do you see the button just below the flashing light that you can reach?”

  “I see it. Should I push it?”

  “Yes. That will let me drive your saucer.”

  The readouts on Nikki’s side of the board suddenly changed. She was moving controls, but our ship didn’t respond. Then I looked up and saw that the other craft was slowing it’s rotation. John said, “Looking good. Do we go across in our suits?”

  Nikki answered, “No. Close the hatches to the payload bay, John.”

  John hurried off to do that. Nikki got the saucer stabilized, and set her board to autopilot. She said, “Caveman, I need your chair.”

  I got out of her way. She obviously had the situation well in hand. The last of the hatch lights turned green, and John reappeared. “All done, Nikki.”

  She replied, “I show all green. Well done.” Nikki began to maneuver, but the main screen kept a view of the saucer. Her nav screen was replaced with a view of the cargo bay, with the hatch opening. Nikki spoke into the comm. “I’m going to bring your whole ship inside mine, okay? I’m flying both of them, so everything will be just fine. Hold your Grandma’s hand and it will all be over soon.”

  “Okay, is it all right to be scared?”

  “Of course, hun. It’s always okay to be scared. As long as you do what you need to do, it doesn’t matter. You’re doing fine. Just a little bit longer, and we’ll come get you and your Grandma, okay? Stay where you are till we come get you.”

  “Okay, I can do that.”

  Nikki motioned me into the pilot’s seat. She killed comms and said, “When I signal, sit it down and kill drive.”

  She turned the comms back on. “You still okay, Sweetie? I had to talk to my friend Bob for a minute. He’s helping me.”

  “I’m fine. It looks like we’re going inside a ship.”

  “Yes, you are. That’s my ship.” Nikki signaled, and I set the saucer down and killed the drive. She closed the hatch and began pumping air back in. She set a course for home, and said, “Your ship, Caveman.”

  “I relieve you, Space Cadet.”

  I sat down and watched all the pretty lights while the ship’s computer took us home.

  Nikki came back and said, “Bob, I’d like to introduce you to my new friend. Bob, this is Leelee. Leelee, this is Bob, my very good friend.”

  I said, “Hi, Leelee, it’s nice to meet you.”

  She said, “Is my Grandma going to be okay?”

  “Our friend John is very good at helping people who don’t feel good. He will do his very best for your Grandma.”

  Nikki said, “Do you know what a dog is?”

  “No.”

  “My dog’s name is Snitz. He’s about so tall, and furry. He likes it when you pet him, like this.” She stroked Leelee’s head. “And he likes to catch a Frisbee.”

  “Frisbee, what’s that?”

  “It’s a round thing that you spin and throw all at the same time.”

  John came into the cockpit. “I got her stable, and into the autodoc on their saucer. You should probably head to your place, so we can put her in that better one Nikki found.”

  “I’ll call the boys. They can get things ready.”

  Leelee said, “Who are the boys?”

  Nikki answered, “They are silly robots who play Frisbee with Snitz and make music.”

  Soon enough we were home, and I was backing into the barn. The boys had moved the saucer with the good autodoc to the front, so John didn’t have as far to move his patient. Leelee wanted to see her Grandma before she went back into an autodoc. John came out carrying her, with a blanket covering her. She was awake, and saw Leelee. “Leelee, honey, Grandma is going to be all right. This nice man is taking good care of me. I just need to go lay down for a while longer. You be good for these folks, okay?”

  “Yes, Grandma. I hope you feel better soon.”

  “Me too, Sweetie. We need to finish our trip, don’t we?”

  John took his patient away for more treatment, and Topper came up to the cargo hatch. “Hello, sir, does this saucer need maintenance?”

  “We should probably give it an inspection, while it’s here. Have the little guys put in the sound insulation, also.”

  “If you would be so kind as to get off the ship, we can unload and begin.”

  “Sounds good. Once you get it moved, I’ll start the diagnostics.”

  Nikki, Leelee, and I stood off to the side as the boys picked up the saucer and carried it to a parking spot. Leelee said, “They are strong. I thought you said they were just silly.”

  Nikki replied, “Not just silly, but they can be silly when they get through with their work.”

  Taz must have heard Nikki, because as soon as the saucer was securely in it’s new spot, he sped over and did his spin and pant routine. Leelee laughed. “He’s funny.”

  John came out of the saucer and said, “She’s all snug. Should be ready to come out by morning, I think, Robert.”

  Nikki caught the code this time. “Leelee, let’s go find something to eat. I bet you’re hungry.”

  When they were gone, I told John, “Step into my office”, as I went aboard the saucer to start diagnostics.

  John said, “Has Nikki scanned this?”

  “No, I didn’t realize that was necessary. Just a minute, I’ll be done here.”

  I finished setting up the diagnostics I wanted, and made sure the boys had the smaller bots taking care of inspecting the saucer. Then John and I walked over to the other side of the barn. He said, “Leelee’s Grandma isn’t sick. She was poisoned.”

  “Any idea why?”

  “She was still too weak to tell me much when I moved her.”

  “Maybe we’ll get some answers when she gets out of the ‘doc.”, I mused.

  “I hope so. Getting these adventures dropped in our laps gets old.”

  “I better call Mike and tell him how things came out.”

  I pulled out my comm, and hit Mike’s code. He answered, “Sergeant Darning. Is my dry cleaning ready?”

  “You can’t talk?”

  “That’s right, I’ll be by after my shift to pick it up.”

  “We found your sensor ghost. Grandma and a little kid. Grandma passed out from being poisoned. Knocked the saucer off course when she fell. You saved their lives, Mike.”

  “I see. I’ll be sure and let you know if I need any more cleaning done.”

  He disconnected.

  John said, “He was with somebody?”

  “I think so. Maybe he’ll call back when he’s free. I’m gonna run over and get Snitz. Need a ride?”

  “I’ll come and grab a few things, but I better stay here tonight.”

  “No problem. Bob’s Saucer Motel, plenty of room.”

  “Why do I get the feeling I can check out any time I like, but I can never leave?”

  “Maybe it’s your Eagle eyes.”

  “Ouch! Bob is sharp tonight.”

  I told Nikki where we were going, and we headed out.

  Max was curious how things had come out, so I filled him in while John collected his stuff.

  Max asked, “So you don’t know anything about how these two came to be in the situation they were in?”
>
  “Not yet. I’m hoping either the older lady or Mike can give us some idea just what’s going on. Leelee isn’t going to be much help there, I don’t think.”

  “She might have seen something, but it’s doubtful.”

  John was ready, so I said, “See you tomorrow, Max. Maybe we’ll know more by then. Come on, Snitz.”

  We met Joanna as we were pulling out of John’s drive. She asked, “Where am I staying? I never thought to ask.”

  “You any good with kids?”

  “I do all right, why do you ask?”

  “That rescue we went on. There was a little girl, and her Grandma is pretty sick right now.”

  “Sure, I can help. I’ll follow you over.”

  When we all got unloaded, Joanna said, “Well, that was a welcome change. Sitting around doped up gets old fast. Hard to get my head around, though. Little Julie Butterfingers running the place.”

  I asked, “Julie Butterfingers, what now?”

  “I trained her when she first started waitressing. She dropped more plates that first week than anybody I ever saw. If the customers hadn’t liked her so well, the boss would fired her over it.”

  John said, “Do us a favor and don’t mention that you told us that story, please?”

  “Why not?”

  “I think it might distract her for just long enough to get a shot off in paintball.”

  “Sneaky man. I like it.”

  Jack rolled up just then, in his civilian vehicle. “Hey Bob, is that the fugitive from geriatrics?”

  I answered, “Sir, I have no idea what you’re talking about. This is my old friend, Joanna Michaels. She’s staying here a few days while she settles in to her new job.”

  “It’s a pure miracle your eyes aren’t brown, Bob. You’re going to have to quit robbing the nursing homes for staff. People are bound to talk. This time you didn’t even leave them any computer record she was ever there. That’s just mean, Bob.”

  “Must have been Nikki that did that one. We didn’t do any hacking. Come on in the house, we’ll ask her.”

  Nikki and Leelee were on the couch, watching Taz cartoons. Every time he did the spin and pant, Leelee laughed. “Just like Taz the robot!”

  I said, “Do you have time to meet some people, Leelee?” Then I realized I was speaking Galactic. I looked at Nikki. “Do we have a badge she can use?”

  Nikki stepped in the other room and put one on Leelee when she came back. Leelee said, “Pretty. What is it?”