Whammo Ranch

by Jerry Boyd

  The kung fu movie effect got everyone’s attention.

  I said, “It’s a translator, honey. Not everybody speaks Galactic.”

  “Oh. Okay.”

  “Leelee, this is Joanna. She’s our friend, just like you. And this is Jack. He’s our friend, too.”

  Leelee said, “Nice to meet you. Are you here to help my Grandma, too?”

  Jack said, “No, Sweetie, I just came by to see Bob. I didn’t know he had company.”

  Joanna said, “I’m not smart like John, so I can’t help your Grandma. But I am good at cuddling and waiting. Do you need any help with that?”

  Leelee said, “Maybe so. I’m not good at waiting, and I’m scared for my Grandma.”

  Joanna took over cuddling duty, and I motioned Nikki into the kitchen. Jack asked, “Nikki, did you erase all Joanna’s records when you clowns broke her out?”

  She answered, “I did. I thought it would make it harder for them to convince anyone she was really gone. Is it going to be a problem?”

  “I don’t think so, but if you guys need to bust out any more of Delilah’s buddies, you need to find a way to leave a convincing paper trail that shows they transferred to a different place. Another case like this, and someone will take notice.”

  “I’ll be more careful, Jack. I didn’t mean to make trouble.”

  “I know, Nikki. You were just trying to help, and you did. I just wanted to warn you before you got in any deeper. I better get going. Paintball still on, Sunday?”

  John answered, “You bet!”

  Nikki asked, “How bad did I screw up, Caveman?”

  “Not enough to worry about, but we might want to discuss messing with computer files before you do it, if it’s not too much trouble.”

  “Sure, Caveman. I forget we’re trying to keep all this quiet long term.”

  Joanna said, “Speaking of quiet, she’s finally dropped off. Is there someplace we can sleep? I don’t think her waking up alone in a strange place is a good idea.”

  Nikki and I said together, “Take our bed.”

  “Are you sure?”

  I answered, “Yes. We’ve bunked in a saucer before. It’s not a problem.”

  “Then can one of you big strong men carry her in there?”

  I went to help.

  “Gently, Bob, don’t wake her.”

  There were a few grumbles and sighs, but I got her to bed without waking her.

  I whispered, “See you guys in the morning, then.”

  The rest of us snuck out to the barn, and found places to sleep.

  The lick on the ear came much sooner than I thought it should. I kissed Nikki’s cheek, and got up to take care of business. Once we had found the plants in need of Snitz’ services, I headed up to the house to start coffee. I didn’t pay attention to where Snitz went. I was peering into the depths of my second cup, trying to discern the secrets of the universe in its swirls, When I heard, “Who are you?” in Galactic. Then, “Ooh, that’s wet, stop!”.

  Snitz the canine alarm clock strikes again. Joanna was trying to explain to Leelee, but Leelee had taken her badge off to sleep, so no communicating was going on. I made it around the corner just as Joanna had figured out the problem, and decided she could do better talking to Snitz. “Get down, Snitz. Go lay down.” Snitz hopped down, and found his place on the rug. I saw Leelee’s badge on the night stand, and got it for her, while saying, in Galactic, “That’s just Snitz. He thinks it’s his job to wake people up in the morning.”

  “Is he an animal?”

  “Yes, he is.”

  “Why is he in the house?”

  “He lives with us.”

  “You live with animals?”

  “Just Snitz. He’s a dog. Our people have kept dogs for many years. They help us keep watch, and they are our friends.”

  Joanna said, “Snitz won’t hurt you. He’s a friendly dog.”

  I asked, “You folks hungry?”

  Joanna said, “That coffee smells great, and then I’ll think about food.”

  Leelee asked, “Can I have some more cereal?”

  “Of course you can. I’ll see you two in a little bit.”

  I went back to the kitchen. Zombie Nikki showed up, arms out, moaning, “Coffee, coffee.”

  I poured her a cup, and told her, “Leelee got Snitzed this morning. I don’t think it’s one of her favorite Earth customs, so far.”

  “She got the ear lick? Oh, no.”

  “She did. She seemed more concerned about the concept of animals in the house, than being licked by one.”

  I got started on breakfast, after I set out cereal and milk for Leelee.

  She and Joanna wandered in, and my phone rang. Joanna took over breakfast, without me asking.

  I answered, “Bob Wilson, how can I help you today.”

  “Mr. Wilson, I have a bunch of stuff on my truck for you. Will you be around to receive it?”

  “There will be someone who can deal with it here all day. Do you have directions?”

  “I still have the ones from the other day. Get that drive paved yet?”

  “No sir, but if you pull around to my shop, we can unload on a hard floor. It wasn’t quite finished the other day.”

  “I’ll be there in about a half hour.”

  “See you then. Bye.”

  I called, “Come on, Snitz. Let’s go see the boys.”

  We went down to the shop. Band practice was going strong. I hated to interrupt, but if the trucker saw them, the story would be all over the state by the weekend. Not the way to keep a low profile. Topper asked, “Sorry, sir, did we disturb you?”

  “Not at all, couldn’t even hear you at the house. I came to tell you that I need you to move to the barn and stay quiet for a while. The truck is bringing in the last of the parts, and I wanted to unload them here so you didn’t have to carry them.”

  Topper said, “But sir, we learned a work song and everything.” He cut down on a near perfect rendition of Cleavon Little singing ‘I Get a Kick Out of You’ with Ozzie and Taz doing the backup part. I don’t think I was moving air for a good minute, I was laughing so hard. We left the big door up for the shipment, and wandered up to the barn. John was just stirring. My evil plan was moving apace. I said, “Boys, show John your work song.”

  I began to think my CPR lessons were going to come in handy, before John started moving air again.

  “You, Bob Wilson, are an E-ville man.”

  “Hey, they got me first. Just spreading the love. There’s coffee, unless Nikki drank it all.”

  Topper said, “Sir, you might want to see this.”

  He had the report the maintenance bots had compiled projected in the air in front of him. It showed sabotage remarkably similar to what Lyla had come in with. The little fellows had managed to weld it without pulling the part out.”

  “That’s not good.”

  “Nor is this.” He held out a tracker that looked familiar as well. “It has been deactivated, sir.”

  I announced to the room, “Good work, all of you. Damn fine work.”

  John and I went to the house. John did the coffee zombie entrance. Joanna cracked up, but Leelee was confused. Nikki tried to explain, but basically wound up at, “It’s an Earth thing, you wouldn’t understand.”

  Surprisingly, Leelee accepted that. I laid the dead tracker in front of Nikki. “The maintenance bots found that nasty little fellow in their saucer, along with sabotage that looked quite a bit like Lyla’s saucer, it just hadn’t let go yet.”

  Nikki pulled out her comm. I asked, “Who’re you calling?”

  “Lyla will want to know about this. You should call Mike.”

  I stepped in the kitchen and dialed. “Hi Mike, can you talk?”

  “For a little bit. What’s up?”

  “That saucer you sicced us on? It was sabotaged like the reporter’s was. It also was carrying a tracker. Either there are still pirates, or some of their sabotage hasn’t let go yet. Thought that might be som
ething you would want to know.”

  “Thanks. I have to go. Bye.”

  “Bye.”

  I heard an air horn, and went out front to guide him down to the shop. He backed in, and started using his Tommy lift to get things down. I wrestled the boxes out of the way. He said you weren’t kidding about a brand new shop. What do you do for living? I need to change jobs.”

  “Had a rich uncle I had never even heard of. He kicked off, and left me a wad of cash.”

  “Nice work, if you can get it.”

  “That it is.”

  “Building up that Chevelle? Seems like you’ve got enough parts to build one from scratch.”

  “I do. I just bought that for a clean title. Probably use some of the window glass, if it’s not too yellow.”

  “That would be the way to do it, if a fella had the bucks.”

  I tipped him, and he went on his merry way.

  I ran the door down and headed for the barn. John was there, checking on his patient. He asked, “Could you have Nikki step out here? It’s time to get her up.”

  “I will, but I have to get the boys started on something first.” Seems they have better hearing than I gave them credit for, because when I turned around to call them, they were standing in front of me.

  Topper said, “You have work for us, sir?”

  “Yes, I do. The rest of the parts have arrived. Go ahead and finish the assembly. You already know what I want done. I’ll send you files to show how the exterior should look. They’re old, so they may need restoration before you choose exact color values. If you have any questions, do not hesitate to call.”

  “Okay, sir.”

  They trooped off, whistling the theme from ‘The Bridge Over the River Kwai’.

  “I’ll get Nikki.”

  I found the ladies on the couch, watching more cartoons. Snitz was in Leelee’s lap. “Nikki, honey, John needs you for just a minute.” I sat down on the couch to watch with them, when Snitz whined. “Joanna, don’t let him out. He might get lost, he’s not used to living here.”

  “What’s going on, Bob?”

  “We’ve got company.”

  My comm rang. “Bob Wilson. What can I do for you this fine day?”

  “You could open the barn so I have a place to park, Bob.”

  “Hi Lyla. Barn’s full. You’ll have to park in the new shop. The boys will open up for you. See you in a few.”

  I commed the boys and told them to open the big door, and make sure enough floor was clear for a saucer to park.

  Topper said, “No problem, sir.”

  I got up to go, and Leelee asked, “What’s happening, Bob?”

  “A lady has come to talk to you and your Grandma about your big adventure. I’m going to go meet her.”

  “Can I come?”

  “Sure, Leelee and Lyla, that’s not confusing at all.”

  Joanna held Snitz while we headed out.

  Lyla flew close enough to ruffle Leelee’s hair. She giggled. The door started down, and we went in through the regular one. The saucer faded in as we entered. The door opened, and Lyla came out, not looking as put together as she sometimes did. “I got here quick as I could, Bob. Oh, who’s this?”

  “Someone you’re here to talk to, I think. This is Leelee. Her and her Grandma had a big adventure the other day. Leelee, this is Lyla. She’s a friend to Nikki and me.”

  “Nice to meet you, Leelee.”

  “You too, ma’am.”

  “Leelee, can you show Lyla the way to the house? I need to talk to the boys just a minute.”

  “Sure, Bob.”

  Lyla said, “Wait, boys, who do you mean, Bob?”

  I bellowed, “Topper, Taz, and Ozzie! Front and center!”

  Of course, Taz couldn’t resist a spin and pant on the way in. Leelee laughed, but Lyla was confused. I said, “Leelee can show you why it’s funny up at the house. These are the boys. Topper, Taz , and Ozzie.”

  “You named your cargo bots?”

  “Seemed like the thing to do, at the time.”

  Leelee said, “Come on, I’ll show you the other Taz.”

  They left. I asked the boys, “This saucer still bothers Snitz. Can you bring one of the maintenance bots down here and get that fixed, please?”

  “Yes, sir, no problem. Could we use the maintenence bots to help with the Chevelle?”

  “Of course.”

  When I got back to the house, Joanna and Leelee were deep into the process of educating Lyla about Taz. Wondering why John and Nikki weren’t back yet, I turned and headed for the barn. Snitz followed. We saw the boys leading a troupe of maintenance bots, whistling again.

  I went in, and knocked on the saucer beside the door. A voice I didn’t recognize said, “A gentleman does not rush a lady, when she is getting dressed, young man.”

  Nikki said, “You obviously don’t know my husband, ma’am. He’s a lot of things, but I’m not sure you could count gentleman among them.”

  “I’m sorry ladies, I seem to be lost. I was looking for the amateur table. I seem to have found the pro table by mistake.”

  The new voice again, “At least he knows when he’s been whipped.”

  “Whenever you’re ready, ma’am. There’s a little girl who will be mighty happy to see you.”

  “I’ll be happy to see her, too. How many primitive customs have you indoctrinated her with?”

  “Let’s see, there’s cereal, and cartoons, and puppy dogs, oh, I almost forgot, dancing robots. We haven’t had a chance to introduce the dreaded Frisbee yet.”

  “I thought your wife was exaggerating. I was wrong.”

  When we all went through the door, Leelee exploded off the couch. Luckily, Snitz had already jumped off her lap to check out the new person in his house. “Grandma!! You’re okay!”

  “Yes, Leelee, I’m okay. Can You introduce your friends?”

  She tried to bring Snitz over, but he was planted, looked at her Grandma with a head tilt and a puzzled expression. I said, “Nikki, could you scan please?”

  She said, “Sure, Bob”, looking at Snitz with concern on her face.

  She waved her scanner around, and said, “It’s this pendant, Bob. It’s putting out weak ultrasonics.”

  I asked, “Ma’am, why is your pendant powered?”

  Leelee said, “Be careful, I touched that right before Grandma got sick.”

  Grandma said, “I don’t understand.”

  John ordered, “Ma’am, stand very still. I’m going to ease your jacket off, and then we’ll have a look at your pendant.” John first pulled the lapel with the pendant away from her body. A little needle was sticking out the back of it. John said, “Bob, is there a bar of soap handy?”

  I went and got one. He said, “Carefully, jab the needle into the soap so it’s not poking out anymore.”

  I did, and he finished removing her jacket. He said, “That’s a nasty little trinket, ma’am. Where did you get it?”

  “I’ve had it for years, I don’t understand.”

  Nikki looked at me and said, “Call Mike. Now!”

  I pulled my comm and dialed. “You must have the wrong number. I’ve already picked up my dry cleaning.”

  “Listen, Mike, that lady we saved had a rigged piece of jewelry. It just tried to kill her again. We got it before it could. This needs Patrol oversight, the sooner the better.”

  “I’m putting you on speaker. Can you tell the whole story?”

  “Sure. The sergeant called us because he was worried a faint contact that you folks had dismissed might actually be someone in trouble. We investigated, and found a saucer tumbling out of control, with an unconscious woman and her young granddaughter aboard. My wife was able to talk the little girl through giving her remote access to the saucer’s controls. She was able to bring it aboard our freighter, where we administered medical aid to the older woman. Upon returning home, we continued medical assistance. The autodoc concluded she had been poisoned. Upon being revived, she once again don
ned her clothes, to include a jeweled pendant. Our dog, who is sensitive to ultrasound, alerted on the pendant. Further examination showed a needle protruding from the back of the pendant. We have safed the needle, and the granddaughter has stated that she touched the pendant just before her grandmother became ill. Does that explain the situation?”

  The Major’s voice came over the comm. “It does Mr. Wilson. Do you have anything to add?”

  “Only that during the servicing the saucer, my maintenance bots found both sabotage and a tracker very similar to what was found on the saucer of Lilacrious Bongwater, when she was nearly killed.”

  “We only have your testimony for those events, they are of no consequence.”

  Lyla spoke up, “Major, this is Ms. Bongwater. Not only do I have recordings of the events in question, I have made statements about them on the record, with a scan running for truth, at your headquarters. Do you propose to question that?”

  “No. I do not. I will have an investigator there within the hour. Goodbye.”

  Nikki spoke up, “Bad news, gents. They’re going to want truth scans on all of this, and they are not going to allow any muscle relaxers.”

  I said, “At least Joanna wasn’t here for much of it. Maybe she’ll be able to go to work. The rest of us won’t be good for much, I’m afraid.”

  John said, “I can always give the shot afterwards, Bob. Won’t be quite as nice, but you won’t be out of it all day.”

  “That sounds like a plan, John. Do you have enough in your go bag?”

  “I do. It seems to be in demand, lately.”

  Snitz started whining. The saucer landed right out front. The investigators climbed out with some equipment cases, and it left again. Snitz calmed down, at least until the people from the Patrol came in. They smelled odd, I suppose, but he didn’t think they needed to be in his house. I managed to calm him down, but he went in the other room. I said, “Sorry about that, usually he’s better with strangers than that. How do you want to proceed?”

  “We will need copies of any certified records of events, and testimony of all witnesses, to be given under scan.”

  “I understand. Lyla, Nikki, if you ladies could give these folks the copies they need? I have a favor to ask, if I may?”