Whammo Ranch

by Jerry Boyd

  “You really do believe in Murphy, don’t you?”

  “Doesn’t pay not to..”

  On our way home, I asked Nikki, “What do we have in the way of sneaky little spy bots?”

  “We have a few pretty small bots, what are you thinking, sneaky Caveman?”

  “I want to have a bot go through Dee’s old car, and find all the secret compartments and cool gadgets she has hidden in it.”

  “Bob, we could do it that way, but.”

  “I’m being stupid again?”

  “Caveman, I don’t think you could be stupid, even if you were too drunk to fish. You’re just not used to how we do things in the modern world.”

  “So how would you do it?”

  “The one thing those grad students spent on, was a good sensor suite for that piece of junk I flew in. Three good scans from three different points, and I can tell you how old the bubblegum wrappers under the seat are.”

  “So we stealth up, go scan it, and turn the boys loose on mods? Easy as that?”

  “Not everything has to be difficult. With our quiet mod, we won’t even freak the dogs out. We could go now.”

  “We need to drop off the paintball stuff at John’s anyhow. You mind if we take a couple of stunners, just in case?”

  “Murphy loves us, and wants us to be stronger.”

  “You’re changing, Space Cadet. It’s like somebody is slowly influencing you to a new way of thinking.”

  “Wonder who that could be, Caveman?”

  “Dee?”

  I’m glad I was driving, as that kept me from the worst of the tickling.

  We dropped off the paintball gear at John’s, and asked Max if he would watch Snitz while we went for a flight. He was glad to. Lyla decided to stay there while we went off spying. Nikki grabbed a couple of stunners out of the closet on the way out, and we got aboard her saucer. I said, “Could you stop for a minute, while I get the door?”

  “No problem.”

  Turns out it was a problem, for me, at least. Seems Nikki was feeling ornery, and she backed up the saucer every time I tried to get aboard. I finally remembered I had gotten better speed and reflexes when I was in the autodoc. I took a flying leap, and made it through the door. Nikki was laughing so hard, tickling her at that point wouldn’t have done a thing. I shut the door, shaking my head at how much my life had changed. When she started moving air again, she messed with something on the control panel. She finished, and said, “There, it’s sent out. Grandpa and Dee will get a kick out of that!”

  “Your day will come, Space Cadet.”

  “Ooh, scary Caveman!”

  We arrived over the Chevelle, and Nikki set the autopilot to hold position. Then she started the scan. I asked how long does it take?”

  “Two minutes for each axis, and we need all three to make a good picture. Stealth is functioning at full capacity, we should be able to get what we need.”

  Top and side went smooth, but the car was too close to the house to get the saucer between them. That left us bending over a patch of weeds in front of the car. Just our luck, the guy looked out the kitchen window about halfway through the scan. I asked, “Is this thing bulletproof?”

  “Yes, but if he gets an emitter, we may have fun getting back.”

  “Can you rotate while it’s scanning?”

  “Nope. Get a stunner and get ready by the door. I’ll give you a firing angle as soon as I can.”

  I got low, figuring he would aim at the middle of the door. I heard a sound like hail, and then the scan finished. The saucer turned, and the door began to slide open. As soon as I had a gap to shoot through, I stunned him. Repeatedly. Until the door shut. Nikki said, “He’s down, Caveman. Ease up.”

  “You’re a fine one to talk, after you emptied your power pack in that punk the other day.”

  “Okay, you’re right, but I was a little emotional. I thought he killed my brand new Caveman.”

  “Did we at least get a good scan?”

  “Oh yeah. This puny computer will take a little bit to crunch it all, but we have the data.”

  “Next question. Do we have enough computer to compare two scans and tell us what’s different?”

  “We do. You want to scan the new car and see what’s not the same?”

  “I do. Be easier than trying to find everything ourselves. Dee probably hid things well.”

  “We can do that. Of course, your modernizations will show up too. Those you’ll have to pick out yourself.”

  “Good enough. I should probably see if Jack is working today, he could help talk that guy out of his UFO story.”

  I dialed Jack. “Officer Conway, how may I help you today?”

  “Jack, you may get a call about some turkey shooting at a UFO in his back yard. Any chance you could talk him down?”

  “Mrs. Watson, It’s usually the Fire Department that gets cats out of trees, but if I’m out that way, I’ll stop by.”

  “Thanks, Jack. See you Sunday.”

  “And a fine day to you as well, Mrs. Watson.”

  “First I’m the dry cleaner, and I’m a little old lady with a cat up a tree. Gotta get a better system for the phones.”

  “What are you muttering about, Caveman?”

  “The BS stories people come up with to play off talking to me on the phone. Makes me sound like their drug connection, or something.”

  “We’re here. You might want to call and tell John we’re scanning.”

  I dialed again. “Hey, John, If you fail to see something in the driveway, that’s us. We’re scanning the new car to compare to the old one.”

  “Yesterday, upon the stair, I met a man who wasn’t there?”

  “Exactly.”

  “Is Nikki going to let you out of the saucer?”

  “You saw that, eh?”

  “We did. Live it down, you will not, young Padawan.”

  “You want a pup?”

  “Payback finally deliver?”

  “She’s fixing to.”

  “Big words, Bob, big words.”

  “See you in a few.”

  When the scans finished, Nikki flew over to the barn, and paused so I could get out and open the door. Just to be sure, I jumped clear of the saucer, rather than climbing down. Once she parked, I went to to meet her, but it took her longer than I would have expected. Investigating, I found her working with the ship’s computer. She looked up. “Hi, Caveman. Remembered I could network the saucers’ computers and get the data crunched faster.”

  “Oh, you’re crapping on them, I see.”

  “I’m not defecating, what are you talking about?”

  “In the old Unix days, there was a program to let you use free time on other computers on your network. It was called crp. To invoke it, you typed crp on. Since it slowed down the other computers, it became known as ‘crapping on’ them.”

  “Crp becomes crap, because cavemen’s favorite hobby is to make things sound nasty, I see now, Caveman. Anyway, I’m done. Let’s go in the house while this runs.”

  John said, “Jack called and asked if I had to pluck birdshot out of your ass. I don’t, do I?”

  “Nope, he only caught the saucer. By the time he had a shot at me, he was already stunned.”

  “How many times did you hit him? Jack said he was slow coming around.”

  “Not as many as Nikki did that punk the other day. She shut the door on me, party pooper!”

  John took the stunner I was carrying and ran back the firing log. “You had yours on maximum, hers was only on standard.”

  “She drained her pack.”

  “Her pack was already partially drained. Yours was full. You really don’t like this guy, do you?”

  “It was bad enough when I just had a mental picture of what that car was like in its prime. Now that I’ve driven the new one, letting the old one rust is even worse.”

  “You said yourself, getting it away from him wouldn’t be worth the effort.”

  “I know. Doesn’t make
me like it. Did Jack have a lot of trouble with that guy?”

  “He said that once he explained that if he took his UFO report, he’d have to take notice of the fact the fella had discharged a firearm in city limits, in an unsafe manner, while drunk, and on probation, the fellow wasn’t interested in filing a report any more.”

  “That’s good, at least. If it had taken him another minute to walk by that window, we would have been gone. Bad luck.”

  “Why did you stun him?”

  “If he had managed to take out one of our stealth emitters, we would have been in a bad way. Figured the exposure was less this way.”

  “Probably right, but it’s still more exposure than we need.”

  “I know. Dee’s car is turning into quite the project.”

  Nikki’s comm chimed. “Snagfart!! It’s worse than you thought, Caveman. There’s a piece of Galactic tech hidden in that car. Must be something her Grandpa gave her.”

  John said, “Can you tell what it is?”

  “No, its power is too far gone for that. We need to retrieve it. Tech like that in the hands of someone not rated acceptable contact is a big breach.”

  “He doesn’t know he has it, does he?”, John asked.

  I said, “He knows he has something. He wanted a hundred grand for the car, and looked like he wanted to shoot me when that didn’t totally run me off.”

  Nikki said, “This is hidden really well, and it has a lock besides. It will take a little time to retrieve it. No way we can count on him not to notice us.”

  I replied, “If he hasn’t found it yet, he’s not going to in the next few days.”

  “Hey, weren’t you going to call the lawyer today?”

  I called the lawyer, and got him started on finding out about buying Shady Oaks. He told me he couldn’t get much done this afternoon, it would be the first of the week before he had much, but he would call when he did. I offered him a ten percent commission on the deal, going down a half percent a day starting Tuesday. He seemed more interested, and I said I looked forward to hearing from him. John said, “You just destroyed his weekend, you know that, right?”

  “Ten percent on what has to be a several million dollar deal? I think he’ll get over it.”

  Nikki asked, “You guys want to come over for supper? I bet I can talk Caveman into grilling.”

  John said, “Sounds good, but you know we’re going to have to find him enough time to do his famous chili sometime soon. I got the Jones.”

  Nikki fiddled with her watch. “It’s too late in the day for him to feed your chili addiction, John. We’ll see about tomorrow.”

  “Guess I’ll have to settle for roasted animal parts.”

  I said, “You, too, John?”

  Max interjected, “Can I get some of those roasted animal parts?”

  Lyla purred, “Roasted animal parts! Mmm, mmm.”

  Defeated, I said, “I think I’ll go see if I can fail to get in the Chevelle. Everybody got their cameras on?”

  I took shotgun, but I didn’t hand Nikki the keys till Lyla and Snitz had gotten in. “It has Ginormous power, with a capital G. Go easy.”

  “No sideways?”

  “You want to tell the boys they have to start from scratch?”

  “No sideways!”

  Nikki went around back to the shop. I called the boys to run the door up. Topper asked me as soon as we stopped, “Is it acceptable, sir?”

  “Acceptable! Oh hell no, it is not just acceptable! It’s fabulous, fantastic, freaking amazing!”

  “Ozzie asked, “Did you drive it hard, sir?”

  “We did. It did all we could ask and more. You boys are artistes.”

  Taz said, a little dejected, “So the project is over? Do you have more work for us?”

  “Well, Taz, I made a mistake. I didn’t learn enough about the car we were copying before I started you fellas on this. There are some extra features that need to be added.”

  Ozzie looked maniacal. “More power, sir!?”

  “No, Ozzie, she’s got plenty of power. Dee had secret compartments in hers. Once we get the scans processed, I’ll send them to you, and you can tell me what you need to make the modifications.”

  Taz said, “Secret compartments!? James frikkin’ Bond? COOL!”

  Nikki’s comm beeped. She said, “Here we go. Topper, if I send you the file, can you display it?”

  “Of course ma’am. If I might ask, is the paintwork satisfactory, as well?”

  I said, “Sorry, Topper, I got carried away. Someone who had seen the original car told us this one was even more beautiful. Sadly, she is also the one who told us we had forgotten to put in the secret compartments.”

  Topper mused, “More beautiful, you say, sir?”

  “That is what she said.”

  Topper gave us a life sized hologram of the car, with differences highlighted in red. All three bots froze for a minute, networked and studying the scans. The hologram changed, showing some changes still in red, the things we had improved in green, and a few they weren’t sure about in yellow. I asked, “Topper, can you enlarge each yellow change in order, so we can decide how to class them?”

  “Certainly sir. None of these changes will affect the paint. I am relieved.”

  “It would be a tragedy to ruin your beautiful paint, Topper.”

  We went through all the yellows, the reds, and then we went through the greens just to be sure. I told the boys not to worry about the items actually hidden in the compartments, I would deal with those. The boys communed again, and texted me a shopping list. I told them I would go to town tomorrow, and they should do what they could with what they had on hand. Suddenly, Lyla, who had been fascinated with all the custom tweaks on the car, said, “Hey, wait a minute, where’s my saucer?”

  Topper said, “A space opened up in the barn. We assumed you would want it closer to the house. We also took the liberty of bringing your training machine up to Mr. Wilson’s standards. We can move it back, if you want.”

  “No, that’s fine. I was just surprised. What was that about the training machine?”

  “You’re not aware of Mr. and Mrs. Wilson’s recent improvements? They found and eliminated the source of training headache.”

  Lyla turned to Nikki and I. “What’s he talking about? The machine gives the shots, now?”

  Nikki said, “We found what was causing the headache in the first place, well, Snitz did, and we fixed it. No more shots.”

  “That’s wonderful! Can I write a story about that?”

  I spoke up, “I suppose, but it’s not that big a thing. We just had a dog to show us where to look.”

  Lyla said, “What was Dee saying about capes?”

  I said, “I think it’s time to start the fire.”

  John and Max showed up a little later. I asked John, “Do you have any ideas for how to retrieve that tech stashed in Dee’s old car?”

  “We could hire somebody to put him in the hospital, and get it while he’s not there.”

  “Gee, if he’s gonna get hurt, I don’t wanna farm it out, but I was hoping we could avoid having that much fun. We are still trying to keep a low profile, you know.”

  “You want to hire somebody to follow him around, tell us when he’s not home?”

  “I’m not convinced he doesn’t have some kind of alarm. It was awfully convenient, him looking out right when he did.”

  “This is just so screwy. He knows there’s something about that car that’s special, but he has no clue what. He doesn’t try to lock it up, just leaves it in the yard. It’s almost like he’s trying to get someone to come after it.”

  “Not only does he not know what’s special about the car, he hasn’t even tried to find it. Dee’s hidey holes are still stocked. Even the easy one under the dash that just takes a tap to open. If he was as hard up for cash as he looks, he would have at least sold her guns.”

  “Guns, plural?”

  “That one under the dash holds a sweet little 38 snubb
ie. The driver’s side taillight is on a hinge like a 57 Chevy. There’s a Remington 870 up over the back tire. I can send you the file if you want to see all of them.”

  “There’s more? Have to wonder what Dee was into, back in the day.”

  “That you do. More to our Dee than meets the eye, and that’s sayin’ something.”

  “Ain’t it though. Dingus is gonna have to go back in the box, just to rest up.”

  “You wanna go to the range in the morning? I need to see how many of her hiding places I can restock. The boys think they can have everything set up by Sunday.”

  “You’re expecting them for paintball, aren’t you?”

  “Rather be ready than not. You hear anything from Mike?”

  “Haven’t yet. The Major is probably watching him like a hawk.”

  The food was ready to come off the grill, so we took it inside. Nikki and Lyla had a surprise. They had made rolls to go with everything else. We had a good meal, and it was a nice evening, so we all wandered out and played Frisbee with Snitz. When it began to get dark, John said, “I think it’s about time for Max and I to head home. See you in the morning, Bob?”

  “Yep. Hey, why don’t you sic that hacker you used on our friend with the shotgun. Maybe we could learn something.”

  “Good idea. See you tomorrow.”

  Joanna made it home not too long after that. After she got a shower, I sat down at the kitchen table with her. “You don’t need to worry about drawing those hiding spots, we got a scan of the old car this afternoon. I gotta ask, though, why so many guns?”

  “Her husband, Bill, didn’t let her keep any in the house. Said it wasn’t ladylike. She got in the habit of keeping everything important in the car. She doesn’t have more firepower in that car than you do in your safe, does she, Bob?”

  “No, I don’t suppose she does. When her son took her car, he disarmed her, too, all in one fell swoop?”

  “He did. Cackled about it. Nasty piece of work, he is.”

  “How did Dee wind up with a no account son?”

  “He’s adopted, and Bill wasn’t much for discipline.”

  “Hopefully she won’t have to deal with him any more.”