Whammo Ranch

by Jerry Boyd

  “That’s what I had assumed. Hope we didn’t get your Captain in trouble. He was following orders”

  “He requested a transfer. He doesn’t want to work for Major Rottum any more.”

  “That’s a shame. He seemed like a good man, caught in a bad situation.”

  “You’re very kind, after the way he treated you.”

  “Not his fault Major Rottum has it in for us. I will treasure the look on his face when your saucer arrived covered in guano. I’m not that nice.”

  “Fair enough. It seems you and Sergeant Darning have a sort of back channel network going on. It’s already helped people, and I doubt that will stop. I was hoping I could be included?”

  “Well, Ensign, considering who you work for, that could seriously endanger your career. Are you sure about this?”

  “I am, Mr. Wilson.”

  “Call me Bob, then. You can get my comm code from Mike. Will you send me yours?”

  “No problem. Is there anything we could do for you this evening?”

  “Can’t think of a thing. Have a nice evening.”

  “You too. Goodbye.”

  “Goodbye.”

  Snitz had finished his inspection, and I didn’t want to bother Topper while he was painting, so we went back in the house. Their movie was finishing up. Leelee ran up to me and hugged my knees. “I won’t tell your secret identity, Caveman.”

  I laughed so hard, Lyla and Genny looked like they thought Leelee had broken me. I picked up Leelee and swung her around. “You can fly! Are you a superhero?”

  “You’re silly, Bob.”

  Genny said, “I think it’s time we found a bed, little one.”

  “You can take ours.”, Nikki said.

  “Where will you sleep?”

  “In a saucer, like last night.”

  “Our saucer is cleared, isn’t it?”

  “Clean diagnostics and a physical inspection. Doesn’t get much more cleared than that.”

  “We can sleep aboard, then.”

  Lyla spoke up, “I can sleep aboard as well, my saucer is well equipped.”

  I said, “Sorry, but no. The shop is in the middle of a critical operation, and the boys can’t be disturbed until they are through.”

  Lyla gave me an odd look, “Okay, Bob? What’s up?”

  “It’s a secret, and you’re in the business of telling secrets. Better you don’t know. I’m sure you’ll find out next time you are here.”

  “Baawwwb, You’re such a meany!”, said Lyla and Leelee in unison.

  “Sorry, can’t be helped.”

  Tires crunched gravel, and remembered Joanna needed a place to sleep. She came in, looking a little tired. “Wow! It’s good to feel useful again.”

  I said, “Hey Joanna, Have a good day?”

  “Best one in years. Thanks, Bob.”

  “Thank Dee when you see her. It was her idea.”

  “And you just went along because Butterfingers was in over her head. Don’t those contacts get itchy after so long?”

  “Believe what you want to believe, you will anyway. We were trying to figure out where everyone is going to sleep. Nikki and I are back in the saucer, Genny and Leelee are going to be in their saucer, that just leaves Lyla and you.”

  She looked at Lyla. “You snore?”

  “Nope”

  “Wanna share?”

  “Okay.”

  “I need a shower. I’ll be a few minutes.”

  “See you then.”

  We all wandered off to our chosen places. I was slightly delayed, because Snitz had duties to perform.

  Snitz and I got in our saucer, and shut the door behind us. Nikki held up a syringe. “John gave me a dose, just in case. He said you wouldn’t be able to wait to test the machine.”

  I kissed her and said, “You guys take such good care of me. Wish I deserved it.”

  “Sure you don’t need to rinse those contacts, Bob?”

  “Okay, I get a few things done. Do we have any training for unarmed combat? Dingus has me squared away with weapons, but I need more than what I learned in gradeschool for unarmed.”

  “We have a winner! Dingus said that would be what you looked for next. He left this.”

  She held up a training chip.

  I sat down, and Nikki hooked me up. I said, “Here goes nothin’”, and flipped the start switch.

  I woke up less woozy than usual, but I could tell the training was still fitting into what I already knew. Then I remembered I should have a headache. Gingerly, I moved my head around, trying to see if tight muscles were waiting to trigger when I moved. I couldn’t find any. Nikki asked, perturbed, “Well, Caveman, did it work?”

  “Yes, it did. I just wanted to be sure before I said anything.”

  “That’s great! Now people can learn without dreading it.”

  “We should call your Grandpa.”

  “Why him?”

  “He can get the Guide using our fix. You don’t think the Major would listen to us, do you?”

  “No, he wouldn’t. You could tell Mike, though.”

  “I could. I forgot to mention, that Ensign that ran the tests this morning, wants to be on our call list too. I’ll send you her details.”

  “When did you find that out?’

  “I was walking Snitz, during the movie. Mike called, and put her on. The major had ordered the Captain to come back with evidence against us. He couldn’t find any, and that’s why he was so upset. She said he put in for transfer, so that he doesn’t have to work for Rottum any more.”

  “I can see why you didn’t want to air all that out in front of everyone. The Ensign’s career is done if the Major finds out she put herself on our call list.”

  “That’s what I told her, but she insisted.”

  I dialed Dingus’, and he answered, “This better be good, Bob Wilson.”

  “No training headaches, no drugs, one simple modification to the machine that takes maybe fifteen minutes if you have trouble finding your tools. Good enough?”

  “Shocked as I am, I think I’m glad you called, Son.”

  “It’s the same kinda deal as the power cores. There’s an ultrasonic rattle that stresses you out. I just trained with it, no drugs, and I’m fine. Do you still have connections in the Guide?”

  “I manage. What are you thinking?”

  “I send you the file that shows how to fix it, and you give it to the Guide. The Patrol isn’t going to pay any attention to me, not with Major Rottum in the chain of command. If the Guide gets good use out of it, it’s bound to spread in society, right?”

  “Don’t you want to get paid?”

  “Dingus, I already have more money than I know what to do with.”

  “Has Rottum pulled something else?”

  “We rescued a lady and her granddaughter after the Patrol decided their distress call was just noise. He sent investigators to try and prove we did something wrong. Questioned us under truth scan, no drugs. I couldn’t stand up when they got through with me. Lyla got most of it recorded. Should make a whale of a story.”

  “I should know better than to worry about you, but I still do.”

  “Any luck getting us set up as Guide auxiliaries?”

  “I got you a full med pack and official mention as a fallback point. If this mod works out, they’ll want to move the headquarters there and build you a statue.”

  “Aw, Dingus, you say the nicest things. I better go.”

  “Me too.”

  I turned to Nikki, “I believe there was a small matter of kissus interruptus?”

  Roll call for outdoor patrol came early, as usual. Once we had determined that all was well with our corner of the world, and found the plants needing water and fertilizer, we headed up to the house. I started coffee. I heard the shower running, and then Lyla wandered out. “Do you think I can get some fresh clothes, Bob? Or is your secret project still going?”

  “Don’t know. I’ll check.”

  I called Taz, not wanti
ng to bother Topper if he was still painting. “How can I help you, sir?”

  “The lady who owns that saucer needs to get aboard and get a change of clothes. Is the project still dust critical?”

  “No, sir. We dried it with infrared light. You should come see it. Topper was able match the pictures very well, I think.”

  “Could you put up some sort of barrier so that the lady getting in her saucer doesn’t see your work? I’m worried she might spoil the surprise.”

  “We will have that in place by the time you arrive, sir.”

  “It’s all good. Mind if I walk down with you?”

  “Okay. Do I get to see the big secret?”

  “Will you promise not to tell anyone what you see until after the secret is revealed?”

  “You’re no fun, Bob. Okay, I promise.”

  I called ahead. “It’s okay, boys, she promised me she wouldn’t tell.”

  “If you’re sure, sir.”

  “I am.”

  We started around her saucer, and Lyla said, “What’s the big secret, Bob? Oh! It’s beautiful! What is it?”

  “1968 Chevrolet Chevelle, with modifications. Mostly a replica of Dee’s old car, but with more modern parts.”

  “You made this for Dee?”

  “No, the boys did all the work. I just showed them what needed to be done.”

  “But it’s for Dee?”

  “Of course.”

  “And I can’t tell her?”

  “Nope.”

  “Because it’s a surprise?”

  “Yes.”

  “And you showed me anyway?”

  “Yes.”

  “Asshole!”

  “You asked.”

  I called the boys over. “You three have done a magnificent job. This car is beautiful. What can I do to thank you?”

  Ozzie said, “Drive her hard, sir. She’s built to run.”

  “Can you fellas move the saucer to th side when she gets through in there? I’ll need to take this beauty to town later and get some papers for her.”

  “Sure sir.”

  Lyla come out with an armload of stuff. I asked, “You need help with that?”

  “I’ve got it. You ready to go back?”

  “I am.”

  We headed back to the house, but Nikki was coming out of the barn when we got that far. I said, “Space Cadet, you need to come and see something.”

  “But, coffee.”

  “Better than coffee.”

  Lyla said, “Go see. It’s beautiful.”

  When we got inside the shop, Nikki said, “This is beautiful! You boys did great!”

  A chorus of “Thank you, ma’am”, erupted from the boys.

  She turned to me, “Caveman, she’ll love it. Is it fast?”

  “I haven’t driven it yet. We’ll find out after breakfast.”

  Joanna and Lyla were cooking when we got back to the house. Genny and Leelee got there not long after Nikki and I. Genny said, “It is nice spending time with you all, but we should probably get back to our trip today. How much do I owe you, Bob?”

  I asked, “Lyla, what do you think? I always price things too low.”

  “Well, Genny didn’t require emergency surgery, they didn’t come in on fire, and so far they haven’t drawn attention from any pirates. Cheaper than my bill, I think.”

  Nikki said, “We did have to go fetch them.”

  Lyla replied, “That’s true. Three ounces sound fair to everyone?”

  Genny tinkered with her watch to convert ounces to Galactic. “Oh, my! You’d let me off that cheap for saving my life? Twice?”

  I answered, “We’ve got our prices low to get customers coming in. Once we get a steady business built up, we may raise them a little. Of course, there is a catch.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Leelee hasn’t learned Frisbee yet. You’ll have to stay the morning and play Frisbee with us to get that price.”

  “You drive a hard bargain, Mr. Wilson.”

  After we had eaten, we all trooped down to the shop. Band practice was in session. They were trying to fit Chevelle instead of Camaro into the lyrics of ‘Bitchin’ Camaro’. So far it was a little strained, but I did appreciate the effort. I called out, “Anybody want to play Frisbee!?”

  I don’t think Taz actually got airborne, but I sure wouldn’t want to have to testify about it. He said, “Sir, have you brought the small human to be educated in the ways of Frisbee?”

  “I have, Taz. Would you do the honors?”

  “It would be my great pleasure, sir.”

  He went from English butler to cartoon maniac instantly. “Taz like small human, huh, huh.”

  Leelee kept it together until he panted at the end. Then she giggled. “You’re silly, Taz!”

  Taz patiently explained how to throw and catch the Frisbee. Leelee’s first efforts rapidly gave way to a decent skill level, for her age. Having so many people, we started three circles. I wound up with Genny and Topper. Between Topper and I, Genny caught on quickly. Topper asked, “Sir, you may have noticed we were having difficulties with our song when you came in. Do you have any suggestions?”

  “It sounded like you were trying about every variation on the lyrics that you could come up with, and nothing quite fit. Since you’re playing the music anyway, couldn’t you just drop out enough of the instrumental part to make it fit your lyrics?”

  Topper froze a second, and Genny’s throw bounced off his chest. “Sir! I think we can make that work! Thank you sir!”

  Suddenly we had three fewer Frisbee players, and the shop was filled with strains of ‘Bitchin’ Chevelle’.

  Joanna said, “I hate to break up the party, but I need to get to work.”

  Turning to Lyla, “Will you be here when I get back?”

  “I’ll be here tomorrow and the next day, at least. You don’t think I’d miss out on paintball, do you?”

  “Cool, see you tonight.”

  Topper sent me a text at that point. I wouldn’t have thought he could hear over the band, but apparently he could. It read, “Sir, what is paintball?”

  I sent back, “I’ll get you some equipment. Don’t worry, we won’t leave you out.”

  I looked at John, “The boys want to play paintball.”, in my best Igor, “I’ve created a monster!”

  He said, “Can they really be that much worse than Dingus?”

  Genny came up to me and said, “You folks really have been wonderful to us, but we need to get back to where we were headed.”

  “Fly careful. Watch out for whoever rigged that brooch for you.”

  “We’ll be careful, Bob.”

  We all went up to the barn to say our goodbyes. Taz carried Leelee up the hill piggyback.

  As they fired up and flew away, Nikki turned to me and said, “You were good with Leelee. Maybe we need to stop practicing and get serious.”

  “Whenever you’re ready, Space Cadet.”

  It was getting on towards noon. I said, “I need to run in and get plates and insurance for the Chevelle. You folks want ride along and go for lunch?”

  John said, “We better go by and get Max, don’t want to leave him out.”

  I replied, “You’re right. We need to put Genny’s three ounces in the safe, anyhow.”

  We got John and Lyla into the backseat, and Nikki took shotgun. I told everyone to buckle up, because I didn’t know what to expect. I turned the key, without a thought, and she fired right up. A question came into my mind, and I rolled down my window. “Topper, where did you get gasoline?”

  “Your truck still has half a tank, sir, no worries.”

  I looked at Ozzie. He said, “Burn ‘em off, sir!”

  I goosed it, and dropped the clutch. Keeping it straight wasn’t bad at all, and we laid rubber all the way to the door. I was glad I bought the good suspension.

  John said, “Think you used enough dynamite there, Butch?”

  “Some is good, lots is gooder, and too much is just enough!”


  “Your grey hair is showing, Bob.”

  John got out at his place, to grab the Wagoneer and Max. Snitz stayed with us, since he had his head out the window cruising the doggie internet.

  We got it inspected. It wouldn’t have taken so long, but they had to send out for more drool buckets.

  The insurance agent wanted our firstborn, but we got him to settle for a ridiculous amount of spendolium.

  Apparently, a perfect 180 into your parking spot doesn’t get you a better place in line at the license office. Who knew? The ladies there are all angels. Anyway they were up in the air harpin’ about something. They finally settled down and sold me some plates. One of them must have felt we were having too much fun, Jack was waiting for us when we came out. “Bob, I can’t have you enjoying this car inside city limits, I don’t care how fast your reflexes are now. Besides, if you pile it up before Dee gets a crack at it, your ass is grass.”

  “You’re right, Jack. I shouldn’t have done that. Is it all the points off my license?”

  “I have to look serious in front of those biddys from the office, Bob. If you crack me up, I WILL run you in.”

  “Did you get Sunday off?”

  “I’ll be there. I’m going to have to write you a warning, to make this look good.”

  “No problem. I deserve it.”

  John and Max had beaten us to the restaurant. They were standing out front with Julie and Joanna. Joanna looked like she had seen a ghost. She touched the fender, like she was trying to convince herself it was real.

  She said, “It’s even prettier than the first one. How did you get all the details right?”

  “Nikki found an article in ‘Car Craft’”, I said.

  “Oh shit! You mean you didn’t put in the secret compartments and stuff?”

  “Noo, we didn’t. Do you know where they go?”

  “Some of them, but I think there were one or two she never showed me.”

  “Bummer. I’ll have to have you draw out what you remember when you get home.”

  We all had a nice lunch, and Snitz enjoyed his doggie bag. John and Max headed out, and we went to the sporting goods store to pick up paintball guns for the boys. Nikki said, “Should we pick up a couple more outfits in case Sergeant Mike and his friend show up?”

  “Probably should. I thought they could use the gear Dingus and Dee used, but sure as I count on that, Dee will decide to come home. If we buy more gear, I’ll have a few more days to square away the Chevelle.”