Monkey Business (Bob and Nikki Book 10)

by Jerry Boyd

  “Suppose I better. Are we ready to be done with those idiots?”

  “Awaiting your order, Captain.” I got strapped in, and said, “Send them home.” Sure enough, as soon as they were far enough away to get a good speed up, they turned back, as if to ram. Sally said, “I have their drives in shutdown, Boss.” Topper said, “Incoming comm, Boss.”

  “Put the idiot on.”

  “What is the meaning of this? Why have you shut off our drives?”

  “You turned as if to ram us. You agreed to leave peaceably. We didn’t believe you, with good reason, it would appear. You can turn your ships and leave, as you agreed, or we can stun you all, and dump you in orbit around Oak, like the garbage you are.”

  Sally said, “I’m giving them the ability to maneuver, let’s see what they do with it.” They turned and jumped out.

  I asked, “Sensors, do you have any way to tell how far they jumped?”

  “Their entry looked normal for a long-range jump, Boss. I’ll keep an eye out for any anomalies.”

  “Good enough. I think I’ll stay here for a bit, until we’re sure they aren’t coming back.” We sat for several minutes, till Sensors called out, “Ship arriving. Transponder says it is the B S General McAuliffe.”

  I replied, “Max has been hitting the culture pack. My compliments to her Captain, and tell him we are glad to get the trade goods.”

  Sally asked, “Trade goods? What do you think they are hauling, Boss?”

  “Look up Bastogne in the culture pack. They’re hauling NUTS!”

  Just then, Sensors said, “I have more ships emerging. It’s the five we just let go.”

  Ruth called, “Jumping to intercept.”

  I said, “Scramble fighters when we emerge. Tex, don’t let those idiots hurt that ship.”

  Sally said, “Scramble fighters, aye.”

  Tex said, “Stop them before they hurt the ship, on it, Boss.”

  I said, “Launch more drones. They wouldn’t have come back if they hadn’t cleared the other ones.”

  Sally said, “Drones away, Boss.”

  Tex said, “All five ships in reset, Boss.”

  I said, “Get the Marines ready. These folks have some manual labor ahead of them. Have the fighters do a stunner pass.”

  Sally said, “Marines to the landing bay, fighters stun the hostiles, yes, Boss.”

  Topper said, “Boss, the General McAuliffe is requesting permission to come aboard.”

  “Bring them in, Topper.”

  Sally said, “Andre reports all hostiles collected.”

  “Have him contact Morning Flower and see where she would like them delivered.”

  “On it, Boss.”

  “Sally, I’m thinking that was awfully easy, aren’t you?”

  “Yes, Boss, I am. What do you propose?”

  “Scramble Black Beauty. Let’s have a good look before we bring those ships aboard again.”

  Sally said, “Black Beauty away.”

  “That was fast.”

  “Taz and Willum were aboard, waiting for your order.”

  We watched the Marines pull away with their cargo of prisoners. Then Black Beauty started making her runs. It wasn’t long until Willum came on the comm. “Bob, I have bad news. Every one of these ships is rigged to blow as soon as it enters a gravity field.”

  “Can you defuse them?”

  “Maybe, but I’m not sure, and it would take a long time even if I could.”

  “I’m guessing Steve wouldn’t be able to change that much?”

  “Not to speak of, I wouldn’t think.”

  “Get back aboard then. It must be time for Tex to get in some target practice.”

  “Understood. We’re heading back.”

  I asked Ruth, “Did Willum give you an idea of how big a blast those ships will have?”

  “Yes, Boss.”

  “Once they’re aboard, put us twice that far away.”

  “Twice as far, yes Boss.”

  I turned to Tex. “One shot per, bonus points for the biggest detonation.”

  “One shot per, make it pretty, aye, Boss.” Tex started studying, I presume trying to figure out where he should shoot to get the biggest pop. By the time Ruth had us positioned, he was ready. He fed a course to Ruth, and she said, “Approved, and understood. Begin when you are ready.”

  Tex pushed a button, and the ship began slewing around. I felt the mains kick five times, and we stopped moving. I said, “I hope someone thought to warn the other decks before we had all that fun.”

  Sally said, “I gave the warning as soon as you said you were going to let Tex shoot them up.”

  “Nicely done, Sally.” About then, the rounds started impacting. Tex had taken my instructions to heart. It was the Fourth of July in space. I said, “Fine job! I’ll double your pay.”

  “Thanks, Boss, but twice nothing is still nothing.”

  “What, you’ve got your eye on a lady bot you want to buy and set free?”

  “Actually, yes, Boss.”

  “Get with Dingus. He’s in charge of acquisitions.”

  “Yes, Boss.”

  Sally said, “Nicely done, Boss. Don’t you think the Squirrels will be miffed about their ships?”

  “Not nearly as miffed as I am that those turkeys tried to kill us after they said they would leave peacefully.”

  Sally said, “It’s been an eventful morning so far. I have a course for you in the ready room, but I’m afraid for you to go take it.”

  “You handled the ship well when I was stunned. I don’t think there is anything to worry about.”

  “Thanks, Boss. It means a lot to hear you say that.”

  “What, you thought I didn’t trust you because I always want to have the conn when we have trouble?”

  “I suppose. You have another reason?”

  “I’m responsible for the ship and all aboard her. It’s my duty to be in charge when she faces danger. It’s also my duty to make sure you’re ready to step in, if I’m not able to perform my duty.”

  “Thanks, Boss. I hope I’m up to standard.”

  “From what I’ve seen so far, I’m the one who needs to worry about being up to standard. Your ship, I’m going to go try and learn something.”

  “My ship, yes, Boss.”

  I found Jasmine waiting for me in the ready room. I asked, “How long have you been waiting?”

  “Sally just called me, Boss. If Gene hadn’t given me transit priority, you would have beaten me here.”

  “I love this crew. Couldn’t ask for better.”

  “Thanks, Boss. Now sit down and take your training like a good Captain. Flattering us won’t get you out of anything.”

  “Can’t blame a fella for trying, now can you?”

  “I suppose not.”

  I woke up by myself, so I wandered back over to the bridge to see if anything had happened while I was out. Topper said, “Captain on the bridge.” I replied, “As you were. Sally, did you have any fun while I was getting educated?”

  “No, Boss. Quiet as could be.” Just then, Sensors called, “Ship coming out of FTL. Has a Squirrel ID. No evidence of the transponder code we gave the merchant.”

  Sally said, “Your ship, Boss.”

  “My ship, aye. Ruth, Topper, give them a show. Tex, ready on drones and stunners.”

  “Yes, Boss.” came out in a ragged chorus. Shortly, we were nose-to-nose with an older-looking Squirrel freighter.

  Sensors said, “I see no weapons, Boss. They are powering down.”

  Topper said, “Incoming, Boss.”

  “On screen, please.”

  A grizzled Squirrel came on the screen. “Nice show you put on, Captain. I’m assuming I’m talking to that so-called ‘infamous monkey’, Bob Wilson?”

  “Yes, you are. Who do I have the pleasure of talking to?”

  “Natti Dressi, and yes, I am aware how that sounds in your language, Captain.”

  “So, you’ve made the run to Earth after walnu
ts before?”

  “That I have, Captain. I hear you have some out this way, that I could deal for without having to worry about sneaking past your Patrol.”

  “I do. What sort of things do you have to trade?”

  “Technology of various kinds, gold, other things. What might you be interested in?”

  The light bulb over my head went off. “Would you be able to haul some passengers, if we restrained them for you?”

  “I’m not sure I understand what you’re asking, Captain.”

  “We have several ships worth of your Navy, shoveling outhouses down on the planet. We would like to send them home, but we’d rather not have to make the trip to Oak again.”

  “How do you propose to keep these fellows calm enough for us to transport?”

  “We have a little badge that goes on the temple. It will keep a person asleep as long as it is in place.”

  “That sounds like a handy thing to have. Any chance we could get that technology?”

  “There’s always a chance. It all depends on what you have to trade.”

  “I think I’m going to like doing business with you, Captain.”

  “So, you don’t mind doing business with monkeys?”

  “No. I’m well experienced at monkey business.”

  “I bet you are. Would you like to bring your ship aboard, so we can see one another’s wares?”

  “Sounds like a good idea.”

  “Follow the flashing lights.”

  The connection dropped. I said, “Sally, could you make sure Andre and his fellows are around, in case these folks aren’t as friendly as they seem?”

  “Already on their way, Boss.”

  “I love this crew.”

  When the transit dropped me off, I found Dingus, Dee, and Grandma Cachi waiting for me. I said, “What? Sally didn’t page Jane? She’ll be upset she got left out.”

  Dingus said, “She commed and said she’s on her way. She should be here before the ship is docked.”

  “I’m glad I have Sally watching my back.”

  Dee said, “She is good help. You ever think about giving her the ship, and going to Shaved Ape Key to raise those kids?”

  “Not until you mentioned it. She needs a little more confidence, before she has to run the Gene on her own. She did a heck of a job when I was stunned yesterday, though.”

  Grandma spoke up. “When are you going to figure out something cute to keep those stunners from affecting us?”

  “Scotti is working on it. I’m sure she’ll have something amazing to show us soon.”

  “You don’t worry that she won’t figure it out?”

  “If she doesn’t, I’ll be surprised. She’s forgotten more tech than I will ever know.”

  Dee said, “Besides, if she gets stumped, that just gives Frank something to chew on.”

  Jane walked in. “What did I miss?”

  I replied, “Nothing yet. These fellas sounded real nice on the comm. I expect them to come out ready to fight.”

  Jane replied, “The Squirrels haven’t done a thing to make you more trusting, have they?”

  “No, Ma’am.” The ship came in and settled into the docking clamps. As the hatch began to open, I saw everyone around me settle into a fighting stance. We all breathed a sigh of relief when the Captain came strolling out, by himself. He looked around, and said, “I see you have had dealings with some of my less scrupulous fellows. I don’t have anywhere near the kind of force it would take to steal your goods.”

  I replied, “Given how your fellows have treated us, we’ve learned to be wary. No offense intended.”

  “None taken. Just shows that you are a cautious businessman, Captain.”

  Saucy and Shorty came in, with a pallet on a pallet jack. Saucy said, “Sally thought you might need these, Cap’n. Fresh off the General McAuliffe.”

  “Thank you, Saucy. How much do you have there?”

  “Little less than a half-ton, about eight hundred pounds.”

  “Leave ‘em there for now. That’s close enough to make the good Captain drool.”

  Then Captain Dressi spoke up. “You’re an evil man, Captain. I do believe we can do business.”

  “Let’s see what you have to trade.” He made a motion, and a couple of younger Squirrels began bringing out different items and putting them on a couple of folding tables they had set up. I said, “Shorty, do you mind having a look at their stuff?”

  He looked at me, and said, “Me, Boss?”

  “You have the same training as Taz, don’t you? I think you’ll do just fine.” He locked up a second, talking to the other bots to get an idea of what he was looking for, I presumed. Then he went up to the table, scanning the items. He looked one over, seeming to approve of it. The second one, he asked, “Boss, how uptight are you about trackers in this stuff?”

  “Is it something Scotti can get out easily, or will it ruin the part trying to get it out?”

  Shorty replied, “Scotti is good, but I don’t see how that is coming out without ruining the device.”

  “Could she scan it and make us one without the tracker?”

  “I don’t see why she couldn’t.”

  “What does it do, anyhow?”

  The Captain said, “It’s a comm unit. You would be able to contact me when you had something to trade.”

  I asked, “Shorty, could Scotti get the paired crystal out of that thing without destroying it?”

  “Nope. It has the tracker inside it. Neat design.”

  I said to the Captain, “I guess I’ll be giving you one of our comms. We know how to get the trackers out of those.”

  “But our intelligence folks have your comm office infiltrated. They’ll know when I call you.”

  “That’s why we’ll set you up with the number of someone they aren’t watching, so you can call them, and they can relay to me.”

  “Sneaky Monkey! I’m going to like doing business with you. I might even learn something.”

  Shorty continued his examination of the trade goods. When he finished, he said, “Boss, I’ve talked to Scotti. There are some items here she can’t duplicate, that she would like for you to acquire. Most of it, she can either already make at least as good, or it has trackers she wouldn’t be able to get rid of.”

  “Show me.” He pointed out several items, and I asked, “What kind of quantities can you do on the items he has picked out?”

  Then Captain Dressi looked over what Shorty had found. He told us how many of each he would be willing to part with. When he came to a Squirrel pistol, he asked, “You sure you don’t need some of these, Captain? Quieter than those chemically powered weapons your people use. Hit just as hard.”

  “Let’s see. First, we already copied that design from some that we captured. Second, I have a tech who has come up with some nice improvements, that make them way more pleasant to shoot. Third, those are made for Squirrel hands, and are too small for us. Did I miss anything?”

  Shorty said, “The trackers in the grips, Boss. You didn’t mention the trackers in the grips.”

  “You mean they didn’t bother to put in a circuit to keep them from firing at anybody wearing a Squirrel ID?”

  Shorty scanned again. “Dangit, Boss, I’m beginning to see why Taz likes working for you so much. They sure did.”

  “Send your scans to Nunya, just in case she didn’t think to check for that.”

  Grandma Cachi spoke up. “She found it, but the military version has it locked out in software. The new ones she’s building don’t have them.”

  Then Captain Dressi asked, “How long have you had our weapons to study?”

  I looked around. “What, three or four days, maybe a week, tops?”

  Dee said, “Sounds about right.”

  His eyes got big. “You were able to learn that much about them that quickly?”

  I looked at him. “It helped that we were able to hire a Squirrel consultant, I suppose.”

  He looked at his two helpers. “Boys,
bring out the good stuff. We’re not going to be able to fool these folks.” They gathered up the items Shorty had dismissed, and went back aboard the ship. Soon they came back out with different things. Shorty started in, looking them over. When he finished, he said, “This stuff is a lot nicer, Boss. Some of it we don’t really have a use for, but there are things here Scotti would be happy to get her hands on.”

  “Sort out what you want, and we’ll turn the Grannies loose on him to get a price.”

  He said, “Grannies? What do you mean?”

  I pointed to them. “These two are my negotiators. Be careful, if you want a suit to fly home in.”

  He said, “I knew this was going too easily. You have professional negotiators.”

  Grandma Cachi smiled and said, “You’re not afraid of a couple of little old ladies, are you?”

  “Your Captain is. That’s proof enough for me.”

  Dee asked, “What all do you want, Bob?”

  “Some of all the things Shorty picked out, and passage home for all the Squirrels down on the planet.”

  Dee looked at the ship. “There’s no way he has enough life support to get that many people back to Oak.”

  The Captain reacted when Dee knew the name of their homeworld, but I pretended not to notice. I said, “I was intending to load them under the influence of nighty-nights, and let them sleep away their trip. That way he won’t have to deal with officers ordering him to ram the Gene Cernan.”

  “That sounds like a plan. We’ll see what we can work out.”

  Captain Dressi said, “I don’t have any bunks to lay them on.”

  I replied, “We can rig you something up, no problem.”

  “What do you want done with them when I get them there?”

  “I can’t say as I care. Strip them naked and leave them in some farmer’s field, if you want to.”

  “That’s probably more fun than I can get away with, but the thought warms my heart.”

  Dee asked, “So, just how many walnuts are you hoping to get?”

  “All I can, Ma’am, all I can.” They started in, and I turned to Jane. “Do we have some nighty-nights with a remote, so he doesn’t have to be there when they wake up?”

  “We have just the thing, Bob.”

  Dingus asked, “Did you see him flinch when you mentioned we had been to Oak?”