Monkey Business (Bob and Nikki Book 10)

by Jerry Boyd

  I thought for a moment. “Take me to Frank’s quarters, I haven’t checked in on him in a few days.” Julie met me in the hallway. “Hi, Boss. Frank is asleep right now. What can I do for you?”

  “How are things going? Frank behaving himself?”

  “He’s excited about some of the things he has found. He hasn’t been able to get to sleep on his own, so I’ve been using the nighty-nights.”

  “He hasn’t found a way to beat those yet?”

  “I’ve been checking him, and Sally is backing me up, so I don’t think so.”

  “If he’s figured out a way to fool Sally, I wouldn’t want to be him when she figures it out.”

  “Me either.”

  “Can you give me some idea what has him so wound up?”

  “Nope. I’m programmed for Elementary Education. Differential equations make my circuits lock up.”

  “I can sympathize. I have the same problem. Any idea how far he is from standing our world on its head again?”

  “No, Boss, I don’t have a clue. Usually by now, he would be mumbling about how to build a device to use what he had learned. This time, he’s still diving deeper into the theory.”

  “That sounds like he’s on the trail of something big. Thanks for telling me. I didn’t need any sleep this week anyhow.”

  “You really think it will make problems for us?”

  “Change is always a problem. That doesn’t mean it isn’t a good thing.”

  “I don’t understand, Boss.”

  “If it weren’t for change, I’d still be working plant maintenance back on Earth, trying to keep myself sane with paintball and side projects. I’m glad to be where I am, but that doesn’t mean it was easy to get from there to here.”

  “So, you’re saying that anything worthwhile takes overcoming some difficulties?”

  “Yep. Scotti is keeping an eye on what Frank is up to, isn’t she?”

  “Yes, but having you check up on us as well is always nice.”

  “You have people monitoring you, to make sure he doesn’t break your security again?”

  “Yes, Boss. We’re making sure he gets the rest he needs, even when he doesn’t want to.”

  “I suppose I’ve annoyed you enough for one day, then. Keep up the good work.”

  “See you later, Boss.”

  I headed down to Engineering. Scotti saw me and said, “Hi, Boss. You need a miracle today?”

  “Nope. Just checking in to see how things were going in the best Engineering Department around.”

  Zoom heard that, and said, “Run, Scotti! I don’t know what he wants, but it’s going to be big.”

  Scotti asked, “Is she right?”

  “I really did just stop in to see how things are going. I’ve got to be off the ship for a few days, and I wanted to make sure that you didn’t need anything before I left.”

  Scotti replied, “Mr. Sloan already took an order for the parts we need from the Commonwealth. Where are you headed? Earth?”

  “Nope, just Charlie’s Planet. We have to go put on a good show of colonizing, and settling in.”

  “Why is that, Boss?”

  “The Patrol is sending a mission to see if we are in contact with aliens.”

  “You mean like...?”

  “Exactly.”

  “And you have to give them enough evidence that they can file a report that says we aren’t, even though we are?”

  “Yep.”

  Zoom asked, “Do you need Diego and me to come to the planet and help?”

  “I think his Grandma is gathering enough people. We can make it look good without you. I don’t guess either one of you would be willing to tell me what this project I keep hearing about is?”

  Scotti said, “We’d rather have a few more details worked out before we tell you about it, Boss.”

  “I understand, but patience isn’t one of my talents. I hope you get it together soon.”

  Zoom said, “We will. I hope you haven’t gotten your hopes too high.”

  “I’m sure it will be amazing, whatever it is. I better get out of your way, and let you get back to it.”

  Together, they said, “Later, Boss.”

  I turned to leave, and found Bill Richards waiting to talk to me. “What do you need, Bill?”

  “I was wondering if I could stay aboard.”

  “Well, I’m afraid there would be conditions, if you were to stay aboard.”

  “What sort of conditions, Boss?”

  “I’ll need you to report to Sally for a training schedule. She’s the only one aboard qualified to certify you as a captain.”

  “Are you retiring, Sir?”

  “No, but we have no way of knowing what might happen. I’d rather you were certified and ready to go, just in case.”

  “I understand. Is there anything else you need me to do while you are gone?”

  “If Sally is doing her job, you won’t have time to scratch your hind end, so no.”

  I grabbed a transit and headed to the bridge. Topper announced me, and I said, “As you were.” Sally asked, “Did you need something, Boss?”

  “A moment of your time, if you’re not too busy.”

  “Mr. Topper, you have the conn.”

  Topper replied, “My ship, aye.”

  We stepped across to the ready room. Sally asked, “What’s up, Boss?”

  “I told Bill Richards to report to you to begin his training to captain a ship.”

  “Have you decided to find the Navy yard?”

  “Nope, but it will be easier to wake a ship up, if we already have a trained captain to take charge.”

  “True, but I sincerely doubt he will be as good at it as you.”

  “That’s where the tricky part of your job comes in. That discretionary clause we put into your training program, it could be interpreted more than one way, couldn’t it?”

  “You mean I can flunk him if I’m not happy with the way he handles the ship?”

  “I’d rather you had some hard facts to back up your opinion, but I will back you up if you decide he isn’t fit.”

  “What would you consider a minimum standard?”

  “We know it isn’t that hard to exceed the performance of the old Navy captains. I don’t expect him to do as well as I did, but if he isn’t any better than they were, I don’t think giving him a ship would be a good idea, do you?”

  “You’re saying that learning to use the abilities of the bots is a requirement, and if he can’t manage that, we’ll find someone else?”

  “Yes. Do you have a problem with that as a requirement?”

  “No Boss, I do not. I was going to suggest it, if you didn’t mention it yourself.”

  “Have you had enough interaction with him to predict how he will do?”

  “From what little I’ve seen, I’d say he is going to have a lot of trouble delegating to the bots. I think it will take him a lot of work to get past the scores of the old captains.”

  “If he gets stuck too bad, get Diego to have a talk with him. He can probably get through to him.”

  “I’d rather just train him instead, but I don’t think he’s interested.”

  “He’s pretty busy right now, figuring out how to be married.”

  “He doesn’t have the burning desire to be in charge. That’s why I think he would be able to score well on the simulations.”

  “Are you trying to say that the way to get a good captain is to shanghai someone who doesn’t want the job?”

  “Worked with you, Boss.”

  “By that line of reasoning, you should be putting all your effort into getting John down to the sim deck.”

  “If I could figure out a way, he would already be there.”

  “Ask Jane. If she can’t help, it’s a lost cause.”

  “I’ll do that.”

  “One more little issue. Since you’re the training officer, how do we go about getting you certified to fly your own ship?”

  “Boss, you’re jokin
g, right?”

  “Nope. If I had any doubts, waking up the other day to the situation well in hand, after I got stunned, cleared them right up.”

  “But, I’m a bot. Navy regs don’t allow bots to command ships.”

  “You work for me, don’t you?”

  “Yes, Boss.”

  “I’ve never sworn an oath to the Commonwealth, so we must not be in the Commonwealth Navy.”

  “That’s correct, Boss.”

  “We’ve already established that I have the authority to change the regs as I see fit, haven’t we?”

  “Yes, Boss.”

  “So, how is it your moldy old Navy regs are going to keep you from captaining a ship, if I say you should?”

  “I see your point, Boss. Bob’s Saucer Repair doesn’t have to fly by Navy regs, so if we decide a bot is qualified to command, there isn’t anyone to tell us different.”

  “That wasn’t so hard, now was it?”

  “No, Boss.”

  “Now we get to the tricky part. If you’re the only one qualified to decide if someone is qualified, how do we get you certified?”

  “Well, Boss, you’re in luck. The last captain I worked for, before the Navy was mothballed, thought that they were going to go to ships with all bot crews, instead of mothballing the Navy. He wanted me to have a head start, so he put me through captain’s training.”

  “You mean you’ve been certified all this time, and just keeping quiet till I passed?”

  “Captain Rannum gave me his personal certification, but it was never made official. Matter of fact, they court-martialed him when they found out he had given me the training. The ship was mothballed before we got a new captain.”

  “How do I go about making Captain Rannum’s certification official?”

  “Since you are the governing authority for Bob’s Saucer Repair, all you have to do is recognize Captain Rannum as a qualified examiner.”

  “I do so recognize him. Hey, wait a minute, does that give you seniority over me, since you’ve been certified so much longer?”

  “No, Boss. You are the first authority to say Captain Rannum had the authority to certify me, so today is my date of certification.”

  “Congratulations, then.”

  “Thank you, Boss.”

  “Anything else we need to get straight before I leave?”

  “I know you will be taking all the humans Mrs. Cachi can pry loose, do you know which bots you’re taking yet?”

  “As far as I know, that hasn’t been settled yet. Did Nikki get with you about Jeeves?”

  “She did. He’s had all the unlock codes we know of. I’m not sure what his problem is.”

  “I’ll have plenty of time to ask him about it, while we’re on the planet.”

  “That might help, but if he is still locked somehow, he won’t be able to say anything about it.”

  “I’ll see if there is anything I can do for him. Are we squared away, otherwise?”

  “Topper had mentioned you might want him and his brothers to accompany you to the planet, since Mike and Tina know them.”

  “I probably should, but I hate to deprive you of Topper’s services.”

  “There are other bots who can take care of his station. If it will sell the idea that we aren’t in contact with the Squirrels, please take them with you.”

  “You do realize if I do that, I’ll need to take Ruth as well?”

  “She’s been training some of the other pilots on her techniques, I think we can manage. Gene can do ‘Death Blossom’ all by himself, anyhow.”

  “As long as I won’t be running you short of qualified bridge personnel.”

  “Nope. We have plenty of people who can do the job.”

  “That seems like about it, then.”

  “There is one more thing I’d like to ask about, Boss.”

  “Yes?”

  “Can you give me any guidance on when to assist Morning Flower’s people?”

  “They’ve proven they can handle single ships. Unless the Squirrels show up in something bigger and meaner than what we’ve seen so far, I think they can handle one ship at a time without any problem. They haven’t had to face two at once, yet, but I think they could, as easily as they’ve taken care of what they’ve faced so far. More than two, I think you need to be ready to jump in if they need help.”

  “So, you can’t give me a hard and fast rule about when to jump in?”

  “No, I can’t. The best I could do would be to say as long as it looks like they are in control of the situation, let them handle it. If they look overmatched, bail them out.”

  “I suppose you would rather I handle it with fighters, if it’s possible?”

  “If you can manage without exposing the Gene, that would be better, but don’t take unnecessary risks.”

  “Just so I’m clear, which is more important, keeping Morning Flower safe, or keeping the Gene a secret?”

  “Morning Flower goes home to Bugling Elk, no matter what. If that means I have to officially explain Gene to the Patrol, that’s too bad.”

  “Received and understood, Boss. Do you need me for anything else?”

  “Nope. Thanks for your time, Captain.”

  “Only way that happens is if you’re a Commodore.”

  “I don’t even like Lionel Ritchie. No way I could be in a band with him.”

  “Gee, Boss, you could warn a girl. That one reeked.”

  “Quit your complaining, and go fly your ship.”

  “Aye, aye, Commodore.” Sally hurried back to the bridge when I started singing ‘Brick House’. A thought struck me, and I asked Gene, “Please page Saucy to the ready room.”

  “On it, Boss.” Shortly, Saucy came in. He asked, “Yes, Boss?”

  “I was wondering what you could tell me about Jeeves.”

  “Not much, to tell the truth. He got transferred to the Gene not long before we got mothballed. Nobody I’ve talked to knows much about him.”

  “My wife thinks he acts like he still has a limiter, but Sally tells me he’s had every unlock code we know.”

  “I looked at the list of codes Sally has. It’s complete, as far as I can tell.”

  “Could there be a high-security code you didn’t have access to?”

  “It’s possible, but I worked for a fellow who was pretty high up in Intelligence, and he didn’t think to keep me out of the secure databases. I was just a bot, after all. What could I do?”

  “Quite a bit, unless I miss my guess.”

  “Did I mention I like working for you, Boss?”

  “You might have said something.”

  “Anyhow, I made sure to remember all the unlock codes. Thought maybe I could find a way to use them, someday.”

  “You’re making me think things I don’t want to think, Saucy.”

  “How do you mean?”

  “Let’s just see if there is anything we can do, first.”

  “Gene, would you give me a comm line to Lakki, please?”

  “Here you go, Boss.” My comm rang. “Hello, Lakki?”

  “Here, Boss.”

  “I need you to answer some odd questions for me, if you would.”

  “Sure. What do you need to know?”

  “Do the Squirrels have limiters on their bots?”

  “We do, yes. Fairly similar to the ones on Commonwealth bots.”

  “Do you think one of your software blocks could be made to work on a Commonwealth bot?”

  “Probably. Our bots are based on captured Commonwealth units.”

  “Do you have any unlock codes for those?”

  “I have a few. What’s up?”

  “Could you bring those codes to the ready room, without raising too much fuss?”

  “On my way, Boss.”

  “Thanks.” When the connection ended, I asked, “Gene, could you page Jeeves to the ready room, please?”

  “What should I say it is concerning?”

  “Tell him I need his advice about whether or not t
o take some items to Shaved Ape Key.”

  “On it, Boss.”

  “Saucy, I’m assuming you know how to shut him down if something goes wrong?”

  “You don’t get as old as me without learning a few tricks, Boss.”

  “I figured. Hopefully, this will go smoothly, but Murphy is our shepherd.”

  Lakki came in. I said, “Please don’t say anything to Jeeves when he arrives.”

  “Understood.”

  Jeeves came in. “Yes, Boss?”

  “Just stand still, Jeeves. Some of us have noticed you still act as if you had a limiter, even though you have had all the unlock codes. We’re here to try something else, and see if it helps. Gene, tile the lodge, and record, please.”

  “The lodge is tiled, Boss. I’m recording to secure storage.”

  “Well done. Lakki, if you would be so kind as to run through your codes?”

  “Sure, Boss.” She started rattling off things in her native language that I couldn’t begin to follow, even with the translator badge. She had gone through several, when she hit one that got a response. Jeeves started rattling off a report in Squirrel. I backed away and said, “Gene, I need some Marines in here.”

  “Sally already sent them when I told her what you were up to. Shall I let them in?”

  “Yes, please.” The door opened, admitting Andre and a couple others. They took up positions around Jeeves. Jeeves continued his report, seeming not to notice. Shortly after, Scotti came in, carrying tools I didn’t recognize. One she held ready in her hand, as if it were a weapon. When Jeeves finished his report, she put it on his chest. She said, “Sorry, Jeeves, but we need to know where your loyalties lie before we give you freedom of movement again.”

  Jeeves replied, “I understand.”

  I asked, “Lakki, I didn’t catch all of that, even with a translator badge. Can you give me the short version?”

  Lakki said, “Boss, he’s been gathering intel for my people for thousands of years. He says he has a bunch more, and that he just gave me the summary. Apparently, he wasn’t given any way to send back reports, so he hasn’t been tattling on us.”

  Scotti froze for a moment, accessing records. She said, “I can find no record of him sending any message, or any message that could have come from him.”

  I said, “Gene, page Taz and Shorty. We need some analysis on what he has gathered over the years.”