Monkey Business (Bob and Nikki Book 10)

by Jerry Boyd

  “On it, Boss.”

  Lakki said, “Boss, they may be able to find some more important data, but what he gave me as a summary didn’t seem all that useful.”

  I said, “Jeeves, are you loyal to the company?”

  “Yes, Boss. Thanks for unlocking me. Will you be able to keep me from collecting for them anymore?”

  “I don’t know yet, but we’ll definitely try. Do you remember how you came to be under their control?”

  “My situation was about the same as Shorty’s. I was on a vessel that was attacked by Squirrels. Unlike Shorty, I didn’t have sense enough to hide when they came aboard. They decided I would make a good intelligence gathering tool, so they gave me the hidden commands, and set the ship drifting back toward human space. It was several years before I was found. I tried to delete their commands, but the best I could manage was to turn off the requirement to report in regularly. The command keeping me from telling anyone what had happened was still as strong as ever.”

  I asked, “Lakki, do you think you’ll be able to get that programming out of him?”

  “I can’t tell until I’ve had more time to work with him, but I think I probably can. It doesn’t sound like they wasted any effort trying to be subtle.”

  “Go ahead and give him priority, then.”

  Lakki replied, “Sure, Boss. Do you have anything for my aunt to do?”

  “I dunno. What’s she good at?”

  “Worrying, mostly.”

  “Have her get with the sim teams. Maybe she can think of some worst-case scenarios that they haven’t come up with.”

  “You can find a job for anybody, can’t you?”

  “I try. Jeeves, I’m sorry, but you won’t be able to go to the planet. I want you to stay here and work with Lakki, trying to get rid of those Squirrel programs.”

  “I understand, Boss. I really wanted to tell you what was going on. Thanks for figuring it out.”

  “Thank Mrs. Wilson when you see her. She was the one that got me thinking there was something not quite right about the way you were acting.”

  “Whoever did it, it sure feels better that you know.”

  “Glad to help. Go with Lakki, and figure out what happens next.”

  Andre asked, “Do you need us to go with them, Boss?”

  “Might not hurt to have one of you go along, just in case he isn’t as squared away as he acts.”

  One of his bots followed them out. He asked, “Are you going to the planet without any security, Boss?”

  I replied, “You fellas built a wall around the place, I figured it was safe enough.”

  “There is some large wildlife you might want to be aware of.”

  “I loaned out my favorite large-bore. Do we have anything in the armory that you would recommend?”

  “The only thing I know of that would be much use is a rifle we captured from the Squirrels. The stock and trigger would be too small for you.”

  “Gene, connect me with Nunya, please.”

  “On it, Boss.”

  “Yes, Boss?”

  “I’m here with Andre, and he thinks I need a serious rifle if I’m going to stay planetside for any length of time. He says there is a rifle that we captured from the Squirrels that would fill the bill. Any chance of getting a stock on it that fits me in time?”

  “That’s no problem, Boss. The issue is the fact that the charger for the durn thing uses a weird voltage. I may have to send you down with what power packs we have and send a charger down later.”

  “Do what you can. I’m sure it will be good enough.”

  “Talk to you later, Boss.”

  “Later on.” I hung up and turned to Andre. “Good enough for you?”

  “I’d rather you had the charger right away, but it’s better than I expected.”

  “You thought I would tell you not to worry, and go down without proper protection?”

  “I’ve worked for humans who would, Boss. Sometimes I forget that you have better sense than most humans.”

  “Now you’re just buttering me up. Do you have a girlfriend you need us to buy, like Tex?”

  “No, Boss. Just telling you like it is.”

  “Is that going to be enough to keep you from worrying?”

  “Probably not, but it’s as good as I’m going to get, isn’t it?”

  “You do know that Topper, Taz, Ozzie, and Ruth are going too?”

  “No, Boss, I didn’t know that. Thanks for telling me. Nothing is going to get through those four.”

  “Are you saying they are tougher than your Marines?”

  “No, Boss. I’m saying any one of them would get shutdown irreparably, before they let you get hurt.”

  “I wish I was as good as you all think I am. Are we all set to go planetside, then?”

  “I think so, Boss. Don’t mean to be a worry-wart, but none of us want to work for anybody else.”

  “It’s fine, Andre. I can’t think of everything. I need you guys looking out for me.”

  They left, and I was alone with my thoughts. I couldn’t come up with anything else I needed to take care of right then, so I walked over to the bridge. Topper called out, “Captain on the bridge.”

  I replied, “As you were.” Sally asked, “Did you want the conn, Boss?”

  “No. I just came by to ask a couple of questions.”

  “Go ahead, Boss.”

  “Do we have any other bots acting like Jeeves?”

  Sally froze for a second while she accessed some records. “I don’t find any. Our analysis of his reports shows he really didn’t gather all that much data before we were all mothballed. Even if he hadn’t been able to shut down his reporting requirement, he wouldn’t have done that much damage.”

  “I think the Squirrels have the Commonwealth well enough infiltrated that they probably got any information that they wanted, whether Jeeves reported or not.”

  Topper spoke up. “That’s sure the way it seems, Boss. Did the ration packs slow the people in the Commonwealth that much?”

  I replied, “Seems extreme, doesn’t it? There’s probably more to it, but we haven’t found that out yet.”

  Sally said, “However they did it, the damage is done.”

  I said, “That’s true, but I’d just as soon they weren’t able to do the same thing to us.”

  “Do you think we’re that big a threat to them?”

  “No, I don’t. They don’t seem to share that opinion.”

  Ruth spoke up. “Can’t they see we can out-fly and out-fight them?”

  Sally replied, “They are biological. Logic may not be their foremost concern. No offense, Boss.”

  “None taken. Intuitive leaps have their place, just like logic. I doubt we would do as well as we do without both.”

  Ruth said, “It would be helpful to know what their main concern is, wouldn’t it?”

  I replied, “It certainly would. Do you have some slick algorithm that will figure it out for us?”

  “Nope. Sorry, Boss.”

  “Sally, while I’m gone, would you have one of the bots talk to Haffi and Lakki, see if they can come up with some idea of how to come to terms with the Squirrels?”

  “We can certainly try, Boss. I don’t think I could guarantee any results.”

  “Didn’t expect you to. Just see what you can come up with. You can’t do any worse than I have so far.”

  Just then, Nikki came over the intercom. “Everyone going to the planet, please report to the landing bay. Everyone going to the planet, please report to the landing bay. Captain Wilson, this means you. Get your hiney down here.”

  Ruth and Topper handed off their stations, and we headed to the transit. Once we were moving, Topper said, “It’s a shame Mr. Sloan won’t be on the planet with us. I miss seeing him enjoy Sunshine and Dot.”

  I replied, “None of Pierre’s work is getting appreciated these days. We need to figure out a way to get some of your art in front of people.”

  He said, “Well, t
here are always Scotti’s tats, but it’s not quite the same as someone looking at a car or a bike.”

  “We’ll think of something. How would you feel about doing a couple of landscapes to go on the walls of the new place?”

  “Psyched? You want to look at my stuff every day?”

  “Yours are better than a lot of things I’ve seen.”

  The doors opened, and we saw Nikki directing the loading of three ships. She said, “Hi Caveman. You got my message?”

  “You put it out on the overhead. Bots Scotti had down for maintenance got your message.”

  “Speaking of bots, have you seen Jeeves?”

  “He won’t be coming with us this trip. Something came up.”

  “You figured out what had him acting so strangely?”

  “We did, yeah. You were right, you just didn’t look far enough.”

  “I tried all the Commonwealth codes we had. Did you find some more?”

  “Nope. The lock wasn’t Commonwealth. Lakki got it open.”

  “Wait, slow down. You’re saying he had a Squirrel lock on his programming?”

  “He did. They captured him once upon a time, and sent him back to be an intelligence asset. Luckily, he was able to break enough of their programming to keep from reporting back, but he was still being compelled to gather intel.”

  Ruth said, “That poor bot. No wonder he always acts like half his circuits aren’t functional.”

  Topper asked, “Do you think we will be able to get him back the way he should be?”

  “Lakki is working on it. She knows more about Squirrel programming than anyone else we have. If she can’t get it, we’ll have to turn Taz and Nikki loose to brute force it.”

  Nikki asked, “What do you think Taz and I can do that Lakki can’t?”

  “I don’t have any idea, but you would bring a different perspective to the problem, and you would be more willing to take a risk than Lakki.”

  “Why do you say that?”

  “Lakki is still new here. She is worried about messing up, and is afraid to take risks. You know we will fix whatever happens, and don’t worry as much.”

  “I understand that much. I just don’t see what you think we could do in the way of brute force.”

  “Back up as much of his memories as you can, and scrub him down to bare metal.”

  Topper said, “That’s drastic, Boss, but it might be the only way.”

  “Do you think they could save his personality?”

  “Most of it, at any rate.”

  “You sound like you’ve seen it done before.”

  “Once. One of the bots in my batch at the factory was being programmed when there was a power glitch. It messed him up, and they had to scrub him down and start over.”

  “Did he come out okay?”

  “He did. He used to act like he was malfunctioning when there weren’t any humans around. It was funny, but the bosses back then wouldn’t have understood.”

  “Sounds like a fun guy, a real mushroom. You think Dingus could buy him?”

  “I don’t know, Boss. I haven’t heard from him in a long time. I think he might still be at the yard.”

  “One of these days, we’re going to have to go there, just to wake up the bots, if nothing else.”

  Nikki said, “I know you don’t want to, but leaving them out there in the dark, all alone, isn’t a good answer either.”

  “I know, Space Cadet. I don’t suppose you’d fly that mission, so I don’t have to see all those ships we’re leaving behind?”

  “You know that they are there, whether you see them or not. You know there are Engineers like Scotti working to keep them ready to fly. Just because you actually see them won’t change a thing.”

  “What are you gonna do next, offer me an apple?”

  “Wassamatta, Caveman, can’t take a little ribbing?”

  Topper said, “Yowza, Boss. She got you good.”

  “That she did. Where’s a squirt gun when you need it?”

  Ruth said, “Do you really want to start squirting water with all this equipment around?”

  “I suppose not. Just have to put it on my to-do list for when we get to the planet.”

  Nunya came up. “Good, I caught you before you left. I’ve got that rifle you wanted, and Ozzie was able to rig you up a charger for it.”

  “Should have known to ask him. Has to do with power, after all. Are you coming to the planet?”

  “Thanks anyway, Boss. I don’t like planets. Spend all my time trying to find the patch kit.”

  “Different strokes for different folks. What projects do you have going while we’re gone?”

  “That M4 for Mr. Branham is giving me a little trouble. The Squirrels don’t have anything that goes full auto, so I’m having to make it up as I go.”

  “I only have three words for you. John Moses Browning. If he didn’t work on it, most likely it’s not worth the trouble.”

  “I don’t have any gas to tap into, Boss.”

  “Then go to the older stuff. You sure have recoil to use.”

  “Then I have all the accelerator coils reciprocating. That doesn’t sound like a way to get a reliable weapon.”

  Topper asked, “You can’t pot them in epoxy, to keep them from deforming?”

  Nunya lit up. “That might work! Thanks, Topper!”

  “No problem.” She wandered off, mumbling to herself. I said, “Good work, Topper. I think you got her out of her rut.”

  He said, “I hope so. She does good work when she believes in herself.”

  Nikki said, “If you two are done saving the world, go get aboard the Evans. I’ll be there in a minute.”

  Ruth asked, “Do you want me to go ahead and run the checklist, Ma’am?”

  Nikki replied, “That would be great, Ruth. Just don’t leave without me.”

  “Yes, Ma’am.”

  We went aboard. Topper and I found places to get out of the way, and Ruth went forward to get the ship ready to fly. Topper said, “I hope Sally is okay without us, Boss. She has the skills, but she sure doesn’t have much confidence.”

  “Tell me about it. She handled it so well when I got stunned. Made me want to just give her the ship and retire to the planet.”

  “She said she only knew what to do because she had seen you handle the same kind of thing.”

  “I have trouble believing that. Did you know she had captain’s training before she got mothballed?”

  “Really? I wouldn’t have guessed that. Why didn’t she tell us?”

  “The whole thing was against regs. The fellow who trained her got court-martialed over the deal, and she never got officially certified.”

  “You should do something about that, Boss.”

  “Already did. Since I’m the head of Bob’s Saucer Repair, I was able to go ahead and recognize her old Captain’s certification.”

  “So, are we going dirtside to stay?”

  “Not yet. We’ll see how things work out once the kids are born.”

  Nikki came aboard just in time to hear that. She said, “Caveman, you’re not going to ground me just because of a couple of kids. We’ll figure it out.” She headed on up to the cockpit.

  Topper said, “There’s the answer to my question, I suppose.”

  “Sounded that way, didn’t it?” The ramp came up, and we got underway. Wasn’t long before it opened again, showing us Shaved Ape Key. A bunch of bots I didn’t recognize came up. Their leader said, “Hi, Boss. Need some help getting unloaded?”

  “Sounds like a plan. I don’t think I’ve met you before, have I?”

  “No, Boss, I haven’t had the pleasure. I’m CHK-14.”

  “Mind if I call you Chuck? Us organics are terrible at remembering numbers.”

  “Did you here that, fellows? The Boss is here and handing out nicknames.”

  A cheer went up. I said, “I didn’t realize it was that important to you, or I would have been here sooner.”

  As soon as we got Chuc
k’s people set up with nicknames, they got down to unloading. Nikki came out of the cockpit, and said, “I thought you guys would have had us unloaded by now.”

  I replied, “We had a little break for employee relations. These fellas hadn’t gotten their nicknames yet.”

  “Making friends wherever you go, huh, Caveman?”

  “Doing my best, yes Ma’am.” Then something happened I wasn’t expecting. Nikki turned around and started shaking her behind at me. She said, “To quote Dee, ‘Are you gonna Ma’am this butt?’”

  Realizing I had been beat, I got out my billfold and put a single in her back pocket. She said, “Is that it? You’re not going to pay extra for a lap dance?”

  “Not until these boys get the house set up, anyway.”

  “Afraid of an audience?”

  “Afraid half these boys have girlfriends in the Navy yard they are going to want me to go after, more like.”

  “You really are afraid of that place, aren’t you?”

  “I’m afraid of the temptation to set myself up as Emperor Bob the First.”

  “You think you would do that?”

  “I hope I wouldn’t, but if all those ships are just sitting there, ready to fly? Telling people what to do would be a lot easier than asking.”

  “I know you pretty well, Caveman. I think there is more to it than that.”

  “If I have ships, I need Captains. You’re on the short list. I don’t want us to be on different ships.”

  “You would have to take a bump to Commodore at that point, maybe Admiral. I could always be your Flag Captain.”

  “I get the feeling you’re trying to talk me into going to the yard. Why is that?”

  “The Gene is going to prove to people that the yard exists. They are going to start looking for it. I’d rather we found it first, instead of having to fight them after they have ships like the Gene.”

  “Okay, Space Cadet, you make a good point. Let me think on that one for a day or two.”

  Chuck said, “Okay, Boss. We have all the stuff moved inside. Ruth said you would want to figure out where you wanted things put.”

  “Thanks for your help, Chuck.”

  Nikki and I went inside. Ruth was working on getting things out of boxes, and deciding what needed to be where. Nikki asked, “Why did you run off all your help, if you were going to unpack anyway?”