by J. Nathan
I thought about my time on the mountain with Kason. And, despite me being a lost cause, he didn’t give up. Because despite our past issues, he’d always been stubborn when it came to me. I saw that same stubbornness in each of his family members over the long weekend, and now I saw it as an endearing quality. I hadn’t been taken care of that way since my mom. But with Kason, I felt something I didn’t quite understand. I was a scientist by nature. I didn’t let my heart rule anything. It was always my head. I needed proof before I allowed myself to believe anything I couldn’t see. But, trying to determine if Kason had changed, or if this weekend just gave me a glimpse of the real Kason—the one he didn’t let others see—was driving me crazy.
“What are you thinking about?” Kason asked, breaking the silence.
Though his eyes remained on the road, I glanced at him. “Just what a nice time I had with your family.”
“My family? Am I included in that?”
I shrugged, hating that he hadn’t acknowledged what he’d said last night. Had he truly not remembered? Or, was he regretting it and pretending he’d forgotten to save face? And, why the hell did I want him to remember?
“We had a nice weekend, Shay. Please don’t go back into your shell.”
“My shell?”
“The one you hide inside. I wish you let other people know the Shay I’ve gotten to know.”
“Oh, yeah? Why’s that?”
“Because you’re nothing like the girl who pounded on Cora’s door demanding the music get turned down.”
“Oh, I’m definitely that girl. I still hate ignorant assholes.”
He tossed back his head and laughed, the sound burrowing its way into the tiny crevices of my heart.
If one thing positive came out of this weekend, it was that all that anger I’d been holding inside me—all the animosity directed toward Kason after the incident—had dissipated. I felt lighter. I felt ready to get back to school and have the freshman year I had planned to.
We eventually pulled through the stone pillars of the campus entrance. A nagging feeling tugged at my heart, knowing the sense of family and fitting in I’d felt all weekend was over. Kason neared my dorm and neither of us said anything. He stopped behind an SUV parked in the unloading lane. I opened my door just as Kason did and we went to the back of his Jeep to grab my stuff.
“I’ve got it,” I said as I reached for the luggage he’d given me, claiming to have extras his sponsor had given him.
He reached for it but I pulled it my way. “Shay?”
“I’m serious. I’ve got it.” I didn’t mean to sound like a bitch, but it was hard enough knowing that the weekend was over. I didn’t need him being all chivalrous. I lowered the luggage to the ground and pulled the handle up so I could roll it.
He closed the back of his Jeep and buried his hands in his pockets like he planned to say something. I waited for a second but he didn’t say anything.
“Well…I guess I’ll see you in class tomorrow.”
He nodded, still quiet.
“Okay, then. Thanks for…you know.” I turned and moved to the dorm entrance that was propped open for returning students. Sadness crept inside of me with every step away from him I took.
I carried my luggage up the three flights of stairs and then rolled it down the hallway to my room. I punched in the code and opened the door. I expected Kendall to be back already, but our room was empty. I sat down on my bed.
Silence surrounded me.
That silence was suddenly crippling.
The McCloud house had been filled with laughter and love. I hadn’t realized how desperately I longed for that. I needed a minute. I needed to remind myself that this was my life. School. Getting a good job. Finding a cure for addiction. The weekend had been someone else’s life. But, at least I got a taste of normal—even if it was only for a brief time.
There was a knock on the door and I moved to it, expecting Kendall to need help with stuff she’d brought back from home. I pulled open the door.
Kason stood there, his hands braced on the door jamb and his eyes staring into mine. “Maybe you can pretend last night didn’t happen, but I can’t.” He stepped forward, and I stepped back. My heartbeat raced as he stood in front of me, removing my glasses and placing them on the desk. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from his. They were so mesmerizing in such close proximity. He cupped my cheeks as his eyes riveted between mine. I couldn’t breathe. “I told you I wanted to kiss you today.” Giving me no time to register what he was saying or doing, his lips crashed down on mine. I lost all concept of gravity. My legs became weightless as his mouth moved over mine. His tongue swept inside, tangling with mine in an urgent race. I tried to keep up, knowing never before and never again would a kiss feel this perfect.
Kason pulled away first, his eyes all wild as he stepped back from me and dragged his fingers through his hair. “Jesus Christ.”
“What?” I asked, my chest heaving and my mind reeling.
“I did not expect you to kiss like that.”
My eyes widened. Was it that bad?
“Goddammit, Shay. Why didn’t we do that sooner?”
Sooner? All his indiscretions came barreling back at me. The answer to his question sitting at the ready. I tried pushing the thoughts away. I tried reminding myself that his kiss was the most amazing thing that had happened to me in a long freaking time. And, God, I wanted him to kiss me again. But, I was Shay Miller. I liked spending time with people who understood science. Kason didn’t know anything about it. He wanted to hang ten—or whatever it was snowboarders did—on snow-covered mountains. He was gorgeous and I was painfully average. He was outgoing and I didn’t interact with people well. We. Did. Not. Fit.
“Where’d you go, Shay? Don’t go into that shell again.”
“This was probably a mistake,” I said.
“A mistake my ass.” He stalked toward me.
I backpedaled until the wall hit my back.
He had me cornered. He stepped to me, lifting his arms and bracing his hands on the wall above my head. My breath came out ragged as my heart threatened to pound right out of my chest. Kason smirked. “You can’t run from this, Shay. You know it and I know it.”
I tried to think of something to say. Something to rationalize us kissing. Us doing anything together.
“Stop thinking so much.” He lowered his mouth toward mine, his lips lingering only a few inches from mine. His breath tickled my lips, the ones still tingling with his last kiss. “Tell me you want me to kiss you.”
“No.”
He dragged his tongue across his bottom lip as a smile tugged at his lips. “Stop being so stubborn.”
“Maybe.”
He chuckled, the vibration rumbling against my chest. He lowered his hands from the wall and slipped them behind the small of my back, gently pulling me into him. Needing to hold onto something, I draped my arms over his shoulders. I couldn’t say if it was him or me, but our lips met halfway. This time his lips were soft and slow, and he took his time as he sucked on my lips, rolling them between his. I could feel him everywhere, and I didn’t know what to do but fade into the kiss. My fingers tunneled through the back of his hair as his tongue pushed its way in my mouth. I arched into him as our tongues tangled in a mess of desire.
Needing air, Kason pulled away first.
Our chests heaved in tandem as we stood inches from one another, our eyes locked.
“Am I moving too fast?” he asked.
“For who?”
He laughed, pulling me into his chest and wrapping me in his arms as if it was the most natural thing to do.
Regardless of the novelty of our interactions, I relaxed into him, feeling so warm and protected in his arms. But, I’d be lying if I said this one-eighty didn’t scare me.
“I don’t want to mess things up again,” he said.
I opened my mouth to respond, but I was cut off by the door opening.
Kendall struggled to drag three suitcases
into the room with her. Her face lit up when she spotted us so close together. “Well, hello.”
“Hey,” I said as I stepped away from Kason, trying to sound nonchalant while my cheeks likely blazed.
“I go away for a few days and miss everything,” she said as she shoved all three suitcases into the corner of the room.
Kason grabbed my glasses off the desk and handed them to me. “I actually have to get going.”
I slipped my glasses back on. He had to go? Seriously?
He smirked before moving to the door. “I’ll call you later.”
Disappointment flooded my chest as he opened the door.
“Later, Snowboard Hottie,” Kendall called as he swept out of our room laughing at the nickname he’d given himself on my phone.
Once the door closed behind him, I fell back on my bed, covering my face with my palms. What was this feeling overtaking my body? I felt like I wasn’t even in my own skin. Had the entire weekend been a dream?
“Oh, no you don’t,” Kendall said, dropping onto the bed beside me. “What happened this weekend?”
“I don’t even know where to start.”
“I thought you hated him?”
I dropped my hands. “I thought so, too.”
CHAPTER 26
Shay
Kason’s text came a few hours later when Kendall and I were walking out of the dining hall. B by to get u at 7.
“I’m so freaking jealous,” Kendall said as she glanced over at my phone.
“There’s nothing to be jealous about,” I said, stifling a smile.
She dropped her head back and groaned. “You hate a guy and he wants everything to do with you. I like a guy and he thinks I’m too forward. I can’t win.”
“What guy?” I asked.
“Ugh. It doesn’t matter.”
I laughed as we approached the entrance to our dorm. “I think you’re looking into this too much. We kissed. Big deal. Isn’t that what college kids do? Hook up and move on?” Though, I said it nonchalantly, it would’ve hurt to think that’s all this was.
“Yeah, it’s what college kids do,” she said as she scanned her key card. “But it’s not what you do. And Snowboard Hottie knows that. This means something to him.” She pulled open the door and we walked inside the building.
I had no idea what to do with all the uncertain feelings rushing through me since he’d left my room. They were foreign to me, not to mention so damn distracting. But, it also felt so amazing.
“What are you gonna wear?” she asked as we climbed the three flights of stairs.
“Wear?” I glanced down at my T-shirt, jeans, and boots.
“Well, I guess he fell for you in those clothes. Why change now?”
I laughed, wondering if fell for you was what he’d actually done. We’d spent a lot of time together this past weekend, but is that all the time he needed to see me differently than he had all those nights studying? And, the same for me. Was seeing him at home with his family—or liking the way he treated me with no one else around—enough to make me see him in a different light?
***
There was a knock on our door a few minutes before seven. Kendall glanced to me, satisfied with her work. I’d let her apply a little blush and eye shadow to my face. The girl wouldn’t take no for an answer. And it wasn’t like it was overdone or even that noticeable under my glasses.
I opened the door. Kason stood there with a smirk that said I know something you don’t know. And, I really wanted to know what he knew. “I’m looking for my tutor.”
Butterflies swarmed in my belly. “She’s off duty.”
“Well, that sucks.”
I tried to suppress the smile that was sure to overtake my face.
“You ready?” he asked.
I nodded before glancing back at Kendall. “See you later.”
“I sure hope not,” she called loud enough for Kason to hear before I closed the door behind us.
We walked down the three flights of stairs until we were outside. Kason’s Jeep was parked at the sidewalk. He hurried to the passenger door and opened it for me. “Thanks,” I said, climbing into the seat and watching him round the front. This was really happening.
He hopped in but didn’t start the engine. He turned in his seat to face me. “Did you eat?”
I winced. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know you wanted to get food.”
“No. It’s fine. We’re going to my house. I just wanted to be sure you weren’t hungry.”
I shook my head, curious what he had planned at his house.
“Good.” He started the engine then reached over and linked his hand into mine. The small gesture filled me with a sense of reassurance that this wasn’t just a hookup and move on sort of thing for him.
We arrived at his house a couple of minutes later, and he cut the engine in the driveway. The house was dark. And, while I liked the idea of being alone with him, I was also terrified to be alone with him. I clearly wasn’t experienced in the sex department, so if he expected that tonight, I was definitely not ready for it. “Is Thayer not back yet?”
“Nope. We’ve got the house to ourselves.”
My stomach dipped, and I couldn’t tell if I was more terrified or elated.
“Wait there.” He jumped out and circled around to my door, pulling it open and taking my hand to help me out.
We walked to the house with our hands linked, the cool night air sending goosebumps rushing up my skin. Kason unlocked the door and switched on the foyer light. The entire downstairs lit up and ease filled my body. The house looked a lot less ominous with lights on. He led me to the stairs, and we headed up to his room. My heart sped up, my mind going to places I wasn’t ready for. He opened his door and memories of the night of his party flooded my brain.
He must’ve noticed the unease on my face. “We need to make some new memories in here.”
My eyes widened.
He burst out laughing. “Not like that.”
A breath whooshed out of me. “I knew that.”
I stepped inside his room first, looking around at the space that I’d been desperate to get out of the last time. The snowboards still stood against the walls, but now I noticed a photo of Kason with his parents and sister. He’d clearly just won the silver medal he held in the picture. I picked it up, loving that I now knew the wonderful people in the photo. The ones who shaped Kason into who he was today and who made me feel like I was home for the first time in a long time.
“That was last year in Aspen when I won the silver medal,” he explained.
“I figured.”
“Will you come this year?”
I placed the photo down and turned to him. “Would you like me to?”
He nodded, and a vulnerability I’d never seen before flashed across his face.
“Then I’ll be there.”
He smiled as he stalked across the room until he stopped in front of me. I was so ready to have his mouth on mine again. But he didn’t kiss me. He wrapped his arms around me and lifted me right off the floor.
I giggled. “What are you doing?”
He carried me to the bed and lay me down. I expected him to follow me down. My body yearned for it as every nerve ending inside of me buzzed to life. But, he lay beside me so we were side by side looking up at the ceiling.
O-kay.
After a long stretch of silence, he asked, “Will you let me do something?”
I stilled, nervous to ask what that something was.
“Can we redo last night?” he continued.
“Redo last night?”
“If I hadn’t been so drunk, I could’ve told you how I was feeling.” He reached between us and linked our fingers. His grip was warm and strong, bringing me unspeakable calm. “I couldn’t stop thinking about you at the party, Shay. Every girl there paled in comparison to you.”
I swallowed hard, completely unprepared for his honesty—or how much I liked it.
“They may’ve been pretty
on the outside, but that’s where it stopped. They had nothing interesting to say. I realized how much more I wanted to be listening to you talk about science stuff that I didn’t even understand than pretend to be interested in anything they had to say.”
My heartbeat raced inside my chest like an out-of-control pinball.
“Everyone kept coming up to me telling me how sick I was at snowboarding. And, sure, it was awesome for a couple of minutes, but then I just wanted you to be there to tell me I could pull off better tricks.”
I laughed. “I would say something like that, wouldn’t I?”
He released my hand and turned onto his side, gazing at me. “I like who I am with you, Shay. I like him a hell of a lot.”
I stared into his pretty blue eyes—the ones I never thought I’d enjoy looking at so much. “Is that the real you?”
His eyes lifted to the ceiling, his mouth pursed in contemplation. “I think so.”
“How can you not be sure?”
“You don’t understand.” He looked back down at me. “I’ve got to be a different person for so many different people. It’s easy to forget who I really am.”
“I don’t understand.”
He sighed. “It’s like…I need to be this gnarly snowboarder who pulls off sick tricks to impress the judges and nab medals at competitions to be at the top of my sport. I need to be a role model for kids who look up to me and think I’m this rad guy even if I’m not. I’ve got to be a walking advertisement for my sponsor who always wants more from me whether I like it or not. I’ve got to be a social media guru who posts videos of dope tricks or else people will start forgetting about me and move on to the next great snowboard sensation out there. I’ve gotta be this student on campus who hides his struggles so not to appear less than. But, school is so fucking hard for me.”
My heart clenched. I’d never considered the roles he had to play. And, of all the things he’d said, the fact that he’d admitted how difficult school was for him tugged at my heart. “I’m sorry.”