Renee grimaced and looked down. ‘I’m really sorry about the things I said to you after the formal. It’s been haunting me for years. I should’ve been there for you, but I was too wrapped up in myself.’
Layla tried to smile, but the memory of Renee’s words still cut like glass. When did you turn into such a slut? For years after that, she’d used hook-ups in place of true intimacy, her body as currency to make men like her.
On her second date with Cam, they’d gone out for dinner, and he’d been so sweet, and he’d kissed her for the first time in his car outside her flat, his lips so soft, but sensual. His restraint had surprised her. He hadn’t tried to get in her pants, or convince her to invite him in; he’d held her face in his hands as his lips had played over hers, tasting her, savouring her. And, of course, Layla had blown it by trying to go down on him. He’d drawn in a sharp breath and gently held her away from him. ‘Whoa, Layla, wait.’
She’d shrunk away from him, her face burning with embarrassment. ‘Sorry, I thought … I thought you’d want me to. Sorry. I’m such an idiot.’
He’d given her a wry smile. ‘I very much want you to, but I’d like us to get to know each other first. I’m hoping we’ll have plenty of time for other stuff a bit later.’
At first, she’d assumed he was letting her down gently. All her life, men had valued her for her body, and she’d come to believe that was all she had to offer. This man was the first one who liked her, really liked her; the first one who’d thought her mind was worth knowing before her body. He’d been careful with her heart too. Though they’d never discussed it, on some level he must have known she was damaged, and he’d given her the space to rebuild herself. He reflected what he saw back at her, and somewhere along the way, she’d finally felt she deserved him.
She collected herself and touched Renee on the arm. ‘We were teenagers; we were all shockingly self-absorbed.’
There was a knock on the bedroom door and Daniel called out, ‘It’s seven o’clock. Are you ready yet?’
‘Coming!’ Renee yelled.
*
It was like stepping into the past when they walked through the school gates. Renee and Daniel walked hand in hand in front of Layla and Shona.
‘Still got a good arse, hasn’t he?’ Shona whispered in Layla’s ear, gesturing at Daniel.
Layla laughed. ‘I still remember you grabbing it at the social.’
Shona threw her head back. ‘Oh man, that seems like a lifetime ago.’
‘It was.’
‘I can’t believe our boys are starting at this hellhole in a couple of weeks,’ Renee said. ‘I feel about a million years old.’
‘You look it too,’ Daniel quipped, slapping her on the bum.
‘Fuck off!’ Renee pushed him, and he laughed and pulled her back to kiss her.
‘Oh my god!’ Shona hissed, pointing at the entrance of the gym where the reunion was being held. ‘Is that Jason Stott?’
Layla’s stomach dropped at the mention of his name. Jason’s good looks had broadened; the sixpack all the girls had lusted over in high school had blown out into a round beer belly. A shaggy, untrimmed beard covered most of his face.
‘He still lives here,’ Renee said. ‘After all that talk about becoming an actor, he only ever did a toothpaste commercial and couldn’t get another gig, so he came back here to be a carpenter. He was the one who finally rebuilt the shops on the main street. They were vacant for years after the – wait, were you still here when all that happened, Layla? I can’t remember.’
The blow swooped in and socked Layla in the stomach. Her heart threw itself against her chest. It was all she could do to prevent herself from turning around and running back to Renee’s place, getting in her car, driving home and never returning.
‘I don’t know,’ she said quickly, her voice shrill. ‘Hey, before we go in, why don’t we walk around the school, do some reminiscing?’
‘Sure,’ Renee said. ‘Babe, why don’t you go and talk to Jason while we check out all our old haunts?’ she said to Daniel. ‘We’ll see you in there in a bit.’
‘You’re really going to make me go in there on my own?’ he grumbled.
‘It’s not like you don’t already know everyone. You’ll live.’
They watched as Daniel went over to greet Jason, then turned and wandered across the quadrangle towards the main building.
‘Do you think it’ll be open?’ Shona said.
‘Yeah, they’ve opened up the whole school so nerds like us can see how much it’s changed in twenty years,’ Renee said. ‘Which is not much, by the way.’
Layla pushed open the door and the competing smells came at her in a rush: sweaty socks, food that’d been left too long in lockers, the pine scent of floor cleaner. They walked up the corridor in silence, each entombed in their own memories of the place. There was no one else around. The walls seemed to breathe in and out on their own.
‘The library,’ Shona said as they reached the double glass doors.
The posters on the walls had changed and the shelving had been rearranged over the years, but the same white tables with red steel legs were scattered in the open areas, surrounded by the same mustard chairs. The three of them were drawn to one corner of the room to the table they used to sit at together. There was a wall of magazines beside it, stacked with some of the same publications they’d pored over as teenagers, like Dolly and Girlfriend, alongside newer ones like Teen Breathe.
‘Remember how we used to giggle over the Dolly Doctor questions?’ Layla said.
‘“Can you get pregnant if a guy comes in your mouth?”’ Shona said in a high-pitched voice, and they all laughed.
‘Apparently, Dolly Doctor is online now,’ Renee said. ‘It was funny and all, but we learnt some shit from that, didn’t we?’
They left the library and trudged up the stairs to the row of classrooms that ran along the balcony. ‘Remember when Katrina threatened to throw Bruiser’s Metallica CD over the balcony after we’d listened to ‘Enter Sandman’ on repeat for an entire double lesson?’ Shona said to Layla, pointing out her old art classroom.
‘Well, I didn’t actually do art,’ Layla said, but she did remember it, because she’d spent most of her free lessons in Shona’s art class, chatting when she should’ve been studying.
‘I wonder if Miss Grainger is still teaching,’ Shona said dreamily.
‘I wonder if she ever found out what a head job is,’ Layla said.
They all giggled.
‘I almost feel like a teenager again,’ Renee said.
‘I never stopped feeling like one,’ Shona said. ‘I keep wondering if there’s this magical age when I’ll start feeling like a real grown-up, but I’m almost thirty-eight and I’m not there yet.’
‘I thought I was a grown-up when I was seventeen,’ Layla said. ‘I wish I’d known then not to be in such a hurry.’
‘Didn’t it suck when everyone told us our high school years would be the best years of our lives?’ Renee said. ‘And now I’m saying it to my own kids.’
They went down the steps and out onto the quadrangle. The white lines around the border had been repainted in bright blue, but the asphalt still looked as grey and rough as it had been when Layla had stacked it in front of her entire Year Nine class playing handball and grazed her knee. The scab had lingered all summer, breaking open again every time she bent her leg; a constant reminder of her mistake.
The sun sank towards the roof of the gym as they approached, shining directly into their eyes. Their steps slowed. Voices carried out through the open doors, the voices of their old classmates. Layla held onto the vivid feeling of nostalgia for a moment longer, then let it drain slowly out of her.
THEN
After that night at The Knob, I’d thought things might be different, and for a few days they were. But it didn’t take long before Scott and I fell back into the same old pattern and I realised I’d made a mistake returning to him. I wished I’d never made him tha
t stupid promise, but it was my own fault and now I had to deal with the consequences. The formal was coming up in a week. People at school talked of nothing else, but I was more worried about finding time to study for my final exams. Scott had gone back to rostering me on several nights a week, and I was barely getting any sleep around school, work and our increasingly rough sexual encounters. The idea of leaving for uni next year was starting to look like an oasis shimmering just beyond my reach.
‘I’ve been thinking about your idea of working here full-time next year,’ Scott said one night, twirling my hair around his finger as I sat on his lap. ‘I think it could be good.’
I avoided his gaze. Renee, Shona and I had been spending our lunchbreaks in the computer room searching online for share houses for next year, and I was starting to get excited about it. ‘But I’ll be at uni. Assuming I get in, of course. Even if I stayed here, I’d probably only be able to work on weekends.’
‘What? I thought you were going to defer next year.’
‘Maybe,’ I said absently. ‘I’m not sure yet.’
‘I’m applying for a loan to buy the place next door. I was counting on your help to expand the business, like we talked about.’
‘Oh. Sorry.’ I was surprised. He’d never mentioned that I was an integral part of his plans. On the one hand, I was flattered, but on the other, the idea of being stuck in Glasswater Bay with him for another year was like being trapped underwater.
‘You can’t play with me like that, Layla.’ His tone had become harder now. ‘I thought we had a deal.’
‘I’m sorry, I guess I misunderstood. I’ll think about it.’
‘And what am I supposed to do while you’re thinking about it?’ His fingers moved to the nape of my neck, pressing uncomfortably. ‘One minute you tell me you’re going to stay and the next you’re going off to uni.’
I tried to shift so he’d let me go, but his fingers dug in deeper, and foreboding rippled over me. ‘You told me not to waste my life here.’
He moved his hand to my throat. ‘So I’m not good enough for you, then?’
‘It’s not like that!’ I cried, but his hand tightened around my throat. ‘Let me go.’
He drew closer, his face centimetres from mine, his breath hot on my face. ‘Do you really think you’re going to find someone else who cares about you the way I do? Look at you, your face is covered in pimples.’ He gave my cheek a little slap with his free hand. ‘You look like a pizza. None of the boys are going to look twice at you.’
I couldn’t get enough air in, and the panic was building inside me. ‘Scott, please, let me go,’ I tried to say, but I couldn’t get the words out.
The hard look in his eyes disappeared and he released me. I gasped, drinking the air back into my lungs, and got up from his lap. He stood up too and reached out for me, but I backed away from him, shaking my head.
‘Sorry, Layla, but you scared me, talking about leaving me again,’ he said. ‘You promised me you wouldn’t, didn’t you?’
I didn’t say anything. I’d told him I’d never leave him, and I’d meant it when I said it. But now … that look in his eyes while he’d held my breath in his hand …
‘You can’t blame me for being upset. You can’t just change your mind on me like that.’
‘I know, I’m sorry.’ I had to pause to cough. ‘I’ll talk it over with my parents and see what they think.’
His lip curled a little and he looked like he was going to say something, but then he stepped closer and took me in his arms. ‘I can’t help how much I love you, Layla. Don’t make me angry like that again, OK?’
He kissed me, and the gentleness of his lips against mine was such a relief. I melted into him, kissed him back, held him close. There was still time to fix this; he would keep loving me as long as I was the person he wanted me to be … once I worked out who that actually was. Anyway, he was right: no one else would love me with a face like this. He was here, and I needed something to hold onto or I’d float away.
*
The door of the cafe had barely closed behind Anna the following night when Scott pulled me out to the kitchen. ‘I’m going to fuck you so hard,’ he hissed, already unbuckling his belt.
‘Wait, Scott.’ I raised my hands to stop him. ‘I can’t tonight. I really need to study.’
He sighed. ‘Study, study, study. That’s all you ever seem to have time for.’
‘My final exams are in two weeks. I’m not going to get into my course if my grades aren’t good.’
His mouth twisted into a smile. ‘Don’t worry, I can make it quick. You’ve been flaunting that arse of yours in my face all night. You can’t leave me hanging like this.’
I hesitated. I didn’t think I’d been flaunting anything … though there had been that moment as Dave was leaving earlier that I’d stepped backwards into Scott. But it had been an accident. He must’ve thought it was a message. It could be over within five minutes, but the idea of what he’d do to me made me feel dead inside. Mum had noticed the bruises on my throat this morning. I’d made some excuse about falling asleep wearing a necklace, but every lie I told her just embedded my self-loathing deeper and deeper inside me.
‘I’m sorry. I really can’t.’ I backed away.
‘Don’t make me angry again, Layla.’ His voice held a warning tone now, and sudden fear flared bright inside me.
‘I have to go, sorry.’
I turned and walked out of the kitchen towards the cafe door. His footsteps echoed behind me as I fumbled with the key and opened the door, my steps quickening on the footpath.
The bell jangled over the door as he wrenched it open again. ‘You can’t walk away from me like this.’
‘I’ll see you after school tomorrow.’ I got in my car, and as I started the engine, he locked the cafe door behind him and strode up the footpath towards his own car. My stomach fluttered. He’d left all the lights on in the cafe; we hadn’t even balanced the till. My gaze flicked to my rear-view mirror as I drove. After a minute, a set of headlights appeared on the road behind me. I pressed the accelerator down a little harder. The lights got closer. I turned down a random street, but the car followed, getting closer all the time. I sped through the network of streets, turning this way and that. He was still following me. My heart pumped hard with adrenalin.
There were no other cars on Bay Road. Scott’s car got closer and closer, until I thought it’d hit mine. I increased my speed and turned off the main road way too fast, and the back end of my car fishtailed out to the side for a second before I regained control. But still he stuck behind me. When I pulled up on my street, he drove up beside my car and lowered his window. I glanced at my house. It was dark, silent. Grudgingly, I wound down my own window.
‘I told you I had to go home,’ I said tremulously.
His face was desperate. ‘I need you, Layla. I didn’t mean to scare you, but I’m so lonely and I need to be with someone who loves me. You love me, don’t you?’
Pity tugged at my heart. ‘Of course I do, but I’m really stressed about school.’
‘Just twenty minutes,’ he pleaded. ‘I’m so miserable at home. I want to die.’
His words filled me with horror. He looked broken, ravaged. How could I deny him comfort when he was feeling this awful?
‘Twenty minutes,’ I relented. ‘Then I have to study.’
‘Thank you, Layla,’ he said. ‘Thank you.’
His gratitude was warm in my belly as we drove in his car up to The Knob. But as he fucked me over the bonnet of his car, his fingers kneading my skin painfully, the blackness spread through my body until I wished I could disappear altogether.
*
Mum was waiting up for me when I got home, a cup of tea cradled in her hands. I itched to escape the room, mortified at what I’d just done.
‘You’re up late,’ I said instead.
‘Where have you been?’ Her voice was calm.
‘I was at work.’ My fingers linked together, tw
isting and untwisting.
‘Your car has been outside for the last hour.’ She set her cup down, and I noticed her hand was shaking. ‘I called the cafe, but there was no answer. Where have you been, Layla? Don’t you dare lie to me.’
Fuck.
‘I’ve been stressing about my exams. When I got home, I went for a walk to clear my head.’
‘At ten pm? For an hour?’
‘I’ve been doing nothing but working and studying for months,’ I said desperately. ‘I needed a break, and once I started I couldn’t stop.’
Her features relaxed. She believed me. ‘I don’t like you walking on your own at night. If you need a break, come home and watch a movie or something.’
‘OK.’ I gestured towards my room. ‘I’d better get back to the study.’
She smiled gently. ‘Take the night off. You look exhausted. Get an early night and start again tomorrow.’
‘I’m working again tomorrow night. I need to fit study in whenever I can.’
Her brow furrowed. ‘I think maybe you should consider quitting your job. School is way more important than some casual job.’
Somehow, this option had never occurred to me. Starting uni next year had been my escape route all this time, but if I no longer worked at the cafe, it’d be harder for Scott to pressure me into doing things. I could be free. It could be a way out.
‘I’ll think about it,’ I said.
*
‘You’re quitting?’ Scott said in disbelief when I turned up for my shift the following night. ‘You can’t quit now. I told you, I need you to help me with the business.’
‘I’ve decided not to defer next year. I’m probably going to move to Adelaide, so …’ I could feel him staring at me, but I dared not meet his gaze. It was only the two of us behind the counter. There were no customers.
Scott’s hand closed around my upper arm, his fingernails digging into my bare skin. ‘Why did you lie to me?’
‘I told you I’d think about it, and I decided to—’
‘You uppity bitch. You think you’re better than everyone in this town, but what do you reckon they’d think of you if they knew the things you did with me? If they knew how you loved being my little whore?’
The Girl She Was Page 22