Carnage Boxset

by Jones, Lesley

  “You need to eat more, G. I’m finally gonna get to fatten you up,” he smiled at me as he spoke. He hadn’t stopped smiling since I gave him the news about the baby.

  “Not hungry right now, got a bit of a funny tummy.”

  “You okay to fly?”

  “Yeah, I’m fine. I just don’t wanna be stuck in the toilet the whole flight, that’s all.”

  As it turned out, I was barely allowed to breathe on the flight, let alone get up and use the bathroom. Sean made me lay back on one of the lazy boy style chairs, placed a blanket over me, and told me to sleep. Everyone else was extremely hung over and very quiet. The cabin lights were dimmed, and everyone seemed to go off to sleep, although I did hear the bathroom doors opening and closing and people throwing up a number of times. I really didn’t envy them or their hangovers. Although, I couldn’t help thinking that despite the fact I hadn’t touched a drop of alcohol, I still felt rough. My belly seemed to have settled down, but I had a dull ache in my side, and I was feeling a bit clammy.

  Sean was snoring beside me. Ash and Marley were in the seats facing me, and Jimmie and Len were across the aisle. Milo and Dave were in the front section with Billy, Tom, and their wives. I pressed the call button and our stewardess, Sara, appeared at my side as if by magic. Sean had told her when we boarded the plane that I was pregnant. She knelt down next to me with a look of concern on her face. We’d travelled with Sara looking after us a few times, and I’d always liked her. Unlike some of the girls, she never openly flirted with Sean or the other boys, so I’d never had cause to want to punch her.

  “You okay, Mrs McCarthy? You look a bit pale?”

  “Please call me Georgia. Yeah, I’m okay. I think I’m just a bit tired. I didn’t get to bed until three. We did a bit of celebrating.”

  She smiled. “Yeah, I saw the New Year’s show and the way you told Mr… Sean the news about the baby. I think the whole world must have watched that clip by now. I have to say, it even made my husband cry, and I was a blubbering mess, as I’m sure most people watching were.”

  I actually got teary as she spoke. “You and Sean will make great parents. You lot are probably one of the most down to earth bands I travel with. Some of them can be complete arseholes.”

  Yep, I think, we’d met a lot of them in our time.

  “So, what can I get you, Georgia? How about a nice cup of tea and a cookie, or biscuit as you call them?”

  “Sounds perfect, strong and no sugar, thank you.”

  By the time we were getting into the back of the limo, I was feeling really unwell. The pain in my side was worse, much worse. I felt cold but sweaty. It was seven in the morning London time, and I just wanted my bed.

  “You okay, George?” Jimmie asked.

  I decided not to lie anymore. Something wasn’t right, and I thought I might need to go to the hospital or at least to see a doctor. “I actually don’t feel so good.”

  The smile Sean had worn for the last thirty-odd hours vanished from his face. “Baby, what’s wrong?” He put the back of his hand against my forehead. “Shit, G, you feel really clammy.”

  Jimmie felt my head and agreed, and as soon as the car started to pull away, I felt sick. We pulled over, and I threw up on the side of the road. My head was swimming, and I felt really dizzy. We got back in the car, and Sean pulled me into his lap. Marley told the driver to head to the nearest hospital. Milo was in the front with him and gave him directions. Luckily, we landed at City Airport, so he knew the area.

  Any woman that had ever had a period would tell you that one of their biggest fears is leakage. And in the ten minutes it took us to get from the airport to Newham General Hospital, I knew I was bleeding enough for it to have leaked through my underwear to my jeans.

  I tried to stay calm, but I knew I was losing my baby.

  The limo pulled up outside accident and emergency, and Milo jumped out, telling Sean to pass me out to him, but Sean wouldn’t let me go and instead struggled out of the limo while still holding me. Len had run inside and grabbed a wheelchair, but Sean wouldn’t set me down in it. Marley had run ahead and was shouting for help. I was whisked through to a bed behind a curtain where Sean held me in his lap, tucked into his chest. I was shaking violently and could feel beads of sweat forming on my top lip and trickling down my spine. I think I started to lose consciousness at that stage. I could feel Sean’s arms around me, I could hear him and others call my name, but I just couldn’t get back to them.

  I don’t know if it was seconds, minutes, hours, or days when I next tried to open my eyes again, and I wasn’t sure how long I was conscious before sleep pulled me back under. Then suddenly, I was wide awake, alert and aware that I was in a hospital room. I gazed around. I had fluids dripping through a cannula in my left hand. Sean was in a chair next to my bed. He had my right hand in both of his, and his head rested on our joined hands. My mouth was dry, and my throat was sore. I had a bellyache, which was very similar to period pain. I laid still and stayed silent for a few seconds, wondering what could’ve happened to me. I knew that my baby was gone, I just knew. I started to sob at the thought. Sean was going to be devastated, he was so happy. I tried to swallow down my sobs so that I didn’t wake him, but I failed. He lifted his head and his eyes came up to meet mine. He was out of his chair and on the bed holding me in a second.

  “I’m, so sorry,” I sobbed and gulped in air as I spoke.

  “No, no, no. Gia, baby, no. It’s not your fault.”

  “What happened? What went wrong?” I asked him. We were lying side by side on my hospital bed looking right at each other. Sean wiped his nose then he covered his mouth, trying to hide a sob. He moved it away and blew out a breath slowly.

  “It was an ectopic pregnancy.” His face crumbled as he shook his head and sobbed. “I nearly lost you, G. It ruptured, and you were bleeding internally. You went into shock. I thought you was gonna die.” His shoulders shook as his sobs wracked through his body. I tried to comfort him, but he just kept sobbing and shaking his head. “I stayed in the hotel bar getting pissed and all the time you was bleeding internally. You could’ve died up in that hotel room, all on your own. I was so hung over on the flight that I didn’t even notice how sick you were. It was Sara the stewardess that said you hadn’t been feeling well. I let you down, G. I fuckin’ let you down, and I’m so sorry.”

  I was numb, and I had no idea what to say to him, so we just held each other and cried for a long while. Eventually Sean went back to sleep, while I laid quietly, thinking about what this meant.

  Could I still have children?

  What did they do when they operated?

  What did they take away?

  The door opened and a nurse walked in. I raised my fingers to my lips, asking her to keep quiet.

  “Good to see you’re awake, Georgia. How are you feeling?” I shrugged, and my eyes filled with tears.

  “Will I still be able to have babies? Can I still get pregnant?” I asked her while she took my temperature and checked my blood pressure. I hated that she ignored my questions and just carried on with what she was doing. She went down to the end of my bed and read through my notes.

  “The doctor will be in to see you shortly, Georgia. He will talk things through with you and your husband.” She gave me a little nod and then tilted her head to the side. “You were very lucky. You needed four units of blood during your surgery. If you didn’t get here when you did, things could have been much worse. Now, try to get some sleep. I’ll be back with the doctor very soon.”

  I looked right into her bright blue eyes and said, “I just lost my fucking baby. How does that make me lucky?” Again, she ignored me and left the room. I laid my head back on my pillow and cried. I cried for my dead baby, I cried for Sean and his lost chance at fatherhood, and I cried because of the guilt I felt. This was my fault. This was my punishment… It was punishment for cheating on Sean and for being a lying, cheating, adulterous, whore of a wife.

  I was allowed home
after two days, but I was to stay off my feet and do as little as possible for the next few weeks. I wasn’t to drive for the next month. For all of those reasons, and the fact that I just didn’t want to be alone with Sean, I went and stayed with my parents. Sean was busy in the studio and would come and stay with me every couple of nights. He was coping in his own way. Music, writing, and laying down tracks for the new album were getting him through. I just lay on my mum’s sofa and then went and lay in my own bed. Visitors came and went, and I assured everyone that I was doing fine.

  I had, it turned out, been very lucky. My Fallopian tube had ruptured on my left-hand side, and I had bled internally for a while. My tube and ovaries on that side had to be removed, but there was no reason that I couldn’t get pregnant again. There was a slim risk of another ectopic, but I would be monitored closely as soon as I was to get pregnant, which we were told would be safe to do in about three months if we felt emotionally and physically ready.

  I knew that everyone was watching me, waiting to see how I handled things and if I would withdraw the way I did after Sean and I split up. So, I decided to behave in the exact opposite way that my husband and family expected and embarked upon what I can only describe as a manic episode. As soon as I could drive, I went straight over to the new house and looked over the renovations. I worked with the interior design firm we’d hired and chose paint and fabrics. I shopped for new furniture. We would need a lot to fill that big empty house, and I bought two horses and hired a stable girl, Jess, to look after them.

  I did all of this alone. I didn’t consult Sean, and I didn’t ask for his input. On the nights he came and stayed with me at my mum's, I virtually ignored him by feigning tiredness and going to bed early. Then I pretended to be asleep when he joined me. Before he woke in the mornings, I would sneak out of the house and drive over to our house and ride. Not returning until well after I knew he would be gone.

  I loved and missed him so much, but I needed to go through this alone. I needed to grieve and learn to accept my guilt for what happened to my baby.

  After six weeks, Sean asked me when I was going to move back home. I told him I wasn’t. I wanted to be near the new house and the horses. I didn’t eat, I rarely slept, and I couldn’t sit still for longer than a few minutes. I didn’t want a chance to think. I didn’t want a chance to feel. I just needed to keep busy. For everyone else, alarm bells had started ringing. For me, I was just getting by the best I could. Sean let it go for another two weeks, but then, early one Saturday morning, he turned up at my mum’s and told me to pack my bags and that we were going home and then going on holiday.

  “I can’t, I need to look after the horses.”

  “I’ve spoken to Jess, she can manage the horses. Pack your bags, Gia, you’re coming home with me.” I sat down on the bed in my old bedroom.

  He came over, sat next to me, and took my hand in his. “I miss you, baby, and I want you home. I have a few things to finish up in the studio Monday, and then we’re going away. Just you and me for a week, two weeks, a month, I don’t fucking care. I’m done sitting back and watching you trying to run away from everything.”

  “I’m not running away.”

  “Then what are you doing, Georgia? I come over here to sleep and to be near you, and you don’t touch me. You won’t let me touch you. I’m not talking about sex. I just want to hold you, and I want to be held.”

  I sat in silence. I had nothing to say. I was numb. It was the only way I knew how to handle things. I was so scared that if I let go, it would all be too much. If I let the pain out, it would overwhelm me, and I would drown in it.

  “Georgia, you don’t eat, you don’t sleep, you don’t even cry, and everyone is worried about you.”

  “I’m dealing with it the best I can,” I said quietly, without looking at him.

  “Well good for you, I’m glad you’re all right. What about me? Have you even given me a second thought in all of this?” He stood up, went over to the window, and stood with his back to me. I was unsure whether he expected an answer.

  “I miss you, G. I go home to that empty house, and I can smell you, but you’re not there. So, I come here to be with you, and you’re not here either. I’m lost, and I’m lonely without you. I want my wife back. I want my best friend back. I want us to get through this together.” I wanted to go to him. I wanted to hold him and breathe him in, but that would bring me comfort, and I didn’t deserve comforting. I didn’t deserve him. Losing our baby was my punishment for what I did with Cam, and I would never forgive myself.

  “I don’t know what’s worse?” Sean’s voice interrupted my thoughts. “In the hospital, when you started to go into shock and I saw you convulsing on that bed, I was terrified. They took you away. They wheeled you off, and I wasn’t allowed to go with you. I didn’t want to let you go, I was so scared I would never see you again, alive. I thought I’d lost you.” He turned around and looked at me. “But this, how you’re behaving now by shutting me out, it’s just as fucking painful, G. It hurts just as much.”

  I stared blankly ahead, not daring to meet his gaze because I knew I’d to go to him, hold him, let him hold me, and allow him to make me better.

  “It was my baby too!” he suddenly roared. “I lost my fuckin’ baby too! And while all that was going on, I thought I was losing you as well. You lost your baby, our baby, but I thought I was losing, so much more. You’re my life, G. My world. My fuckin’ reason for existing.”

  I finally forced myself to look at him and my dam broke. The anguish in his voice, on his face, and in his eyes broke me. Once again, I’d been selfish. I’d lost our baby and it was a terrible thing, but he’d had to stand by and watch as I was rushed into surgery. He thought he might lose me as well as the baby, and the thought of him going through all of that alone broke me, and I started to sob.

  Sean came over to the bed and knelt in front of me. “Hold me, Georgia, please, just hold me?” He was as broken as I was, and I needed him so much. I needed him like he needed me. We climbed back on the bed and just held each other, both of us crying quietly like we had done on the bed in the hospital.

  “You and me G, just Sean and Georgia. It always comes back to this, to us, as long as there is an us, we can get through anything, okay?”

  I looked up into his beautiful brown eyes, which were dull and sad and full of tears. “I’m so sorry. I love you, and I’m sorry.”

  He kissed my tears away and said, “Don’t be sorry, babe, just love me. That’s all I want. Just love me, and let me love and take care of you. Let me do my job.” His lips brushed mine gently and for the first time in almost two months, desire stirred inside me. Sean rolled me over onto my back and looked down at me. “I’ve missed you so much. There are too many clothes between us, G. I need to feel your skin on mine.”

  I wasn’t sure if he was asking permission, but I nodded anyway. He pulled off his T-shirt while I undid his jeans. He pulled them and his boxers down, and I pulled off the vest I was wearing. Sean pulled down my pyjama bottoms. It was all rushed, and we were panting, and then we were naked and completely still. He laid between my legs, his erection digging into my pubic bone and lower belly, our hands at the side of my head on the mattress, our fingers laced together. His eyes were all over my face, and I ached for him to be inside me.

  “I love you, Georgia, never leave me again.”

  I shook my head slightly. “Never, I love you,” I whispered.

  He pressed his forehead to mine. “I need to be inside you. Is that okay?”

  “Of course it is, I want you inside me.” And I did, I wanted him right where he needed to be. I wanted his world to be perfect.

  He slid inside me. “Fuck, I’ve missed you. I’d almost forgotten how perfectly we fit together, how perfect you are.”

  I wanted to cry again, I was most definitely not perfect, but right now, I would be perfect for him.

  We made love gently and tenderly. Sean stroked into me slowly, and when I moaned and he
felt my muscles start to clench, he whispered, “Together, baby, together.”

  We stared into each other’s eyes as we both orgasmed. Tears rolled silently down my cheeks as I came down from my high, and Sean smiled his lazy, lopsided boy-I-fell-in-love-with smile and whispered, “Georgia Rae, when we make love, you always cry. You said…” He waited for me to finish our song.

  “I love you more than all the stars above, I’ll love you till I die.” We smiled and cried at the same time.

  “There’ll be more babies, G. We’ll never forget this one, not ever. We’ll just have to make sure that we give all the others the extra love we couldn’t show this baby.”

  God, I loved him, I loved him so fucking much. He held me while I cried some more, and we made love again. Then I packed my bags, thanked my parents, and drove back to Hampstead. We decided on the way to just take a week away, and while we were gone, we’d get the removal company to move us straight into the new house, Lay Macas, as we had christened it was a play on both of our surnames.

  We booked a week away in the Dominican Republic, enjoying ourselves, chilling out, and reconnecting so much that we stayed another week, and then we moved straight into our new home as soon as we arrived back in England. We settled down into our new lives in the Essex countryside.

  Sean was home a lot. The album was finished and would be released at the end of April. The boys decided they didn’t need to do a massive world tour to promote it. They were big enough now that it wasn’t necessary. In fact, pre-orders had already guaranteed it would go double platinum in the first week. Interviews and television appearances would have to be carried out though, and the boys would partake in a whirlwind tour of the UK, America, and Europe during the last week of April and the first two weeks of May.