Carnage Boxset

by Jones, Lesley

  As much as I would miss Sean, I wouldn’t be going to Europe or America with him. It was too soon and too painful, and we’d only attract press attention. The press had been pretty good since the news of our loss broke, and we had received an untold number of letters, cards, and well wishes from around the world. I spent a lot of time reading through them while Sean was away. Many of the letters were from women who had gone through an ectopic pregnancy and had gone on to have more children with no problems at all. I replied to all of the messages, thanking the women for taking their time to reassure me that all would be fine for us in the future. I had no doubt about this anyway, no doubt at all.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Sean’s flight landed at noon on Sunday, the fourteenth of May, and I went with Milo to the airport to collect him. I was so excited that I went out on the tarmac as the plane landed, and I was bouncing on my toes as I waited for the doors to open. He didn’t know I was coming, and I couldn’t wait to see his face. It was a warm, sunny day, and Len blinked a few times as he stepped out of the doors first. He looked at me and frowned, but I held my finger to my lips, telling him to shush. He nodded and carried on walking down the steps of the plane. I hid behind Milo in case any of the other boys said anything and spoiled the surprise. I just wanted Sean to know how much I loved him. He loved small gestures, and I knew he hated leaving me. He’d been so unbelievably attentive since we lost baby M, as we now called our baby that was not meant to be. He’d looked after me so well, and I just hoped that as soon as we got home, I was going to be able to give him some good news.

  He appeared at the top of the steps, and my heart skipped a beat before it tripled its speed.

  I wondered if it would always do that around him.

  I stepped out from behind Milo, and he saw me instantly. I started to move towards him and almost stumbled as his face lit up. He ran down the aircraft stairs, not caring who he pushed out of the way—namely Marley, who’d seen me and thought he was funny by deliberately getting in Sean’s way. In the end, he jumped over the side of the aeroplane steps and ran towards me. He slowed down as he got near me and then swung me around.

  He had the biggest smile as he said, “I’ve missed ya, Georgia Rae, show us your tits.”

  I pulled up my T-shirt and flashed him my red lace bra.

  “Fuck babe, I’ve missed ya. Let’s get a room somewhere.”

  I laughed and shook my head. “No, I wanna go home.”

  He reached for my hand and started pulling me towards the car. “Well, let’s go then.”

  We chatted about his trip as Milo drove, and because it was Sunday and the traffic was light, we were home within the hour. We headed straight for our bedroom as soon we were through the front door. I had a pregnancy test stick waiting and ready to be used. In fact, I had two, and Sean looked totally confused as I pulled him into the bathroom.

  “Georgia… Nooo, fuck first, shower later. I need to be inside you,” he whined.

  “Sit down.” I gestured to the edge of the bath. I was busting for a wee and needed to do this soon before I wet myself. I held the plastic stick in front of his face, and his eyes widened. He didn’t say a word while I weed on it, wiped, washed my hands, and then sat on the edge of the bath next to him, where we waited and stared at the little piece of plastic that might possibly be about to change our lives.

  Two lines appeared.

  Pregnant.

  Sean looked from the stick to me and back to the stick again.

  “G,” he whispered.

  “I knew. I mean, I didn’t know. I’d guessed before you went away, but I didn’t want to worry you.”

  “Pregnant? You’re really pregnant?”

  “Yes, I’m really pregnant.”

  “We need to see a doctor.”

  “We are. I’ve made an appointment for tomorrow at eleven.”

  “Who with?”

  I looked at him and chuckled. “Does it matter? If I were to tell you his name, would it make any difference?”

  “Yes, I only want you to see Richard Curtis.”

  What. The. Fuck?

  “How do you know who Richard Curtis is?”

  He looked exactly like the thirteen-year-old boy I’d fallen in love with when he smiled at me. “Because I did some research, and he’s the best around. I want you and the baby to see the best.”

  I was actually amazed. Richard Curtis was exactly who I had an appointment to see tomorrow.

  “But, I only just told you I was pregnant.”

  “Yeah, but I knew you’d be pregnant again sometime, and I wanted to make sure that you and the baby were all set to be looked after by the best.” His eyebrows pulled in together. He was worried that he’d said something wrong. When, in fact, the exact opposite was true.

  “Baby, it's fine. You don’t need to explain. I’m… I’m just…” I started crying. I really was the luckiest woman in existence. “I couldn’t love you any more than I do right now.”

  He looked over my face, reached out, and brushed his thumb across my cheek and lips. He raised his eyebrows and smiled as he whispered, “We’re having a baby, Mrs McCarthy.”

  I grinned stupidly. I couldn’tkeep a lid on how happy I felt . “We are, Mr McCarthy.”

  “Let’s fuck.”

  “Sounds like a plan.”

  * * *

  By midday Monday, my pregnancy had been confirmed, and I was laying on my back waiting for an ultrasound to be carried out. I felt sick with nerves. Sean and I hadn’t discussed the possibility of anything being wrong.

  It couldn’t happen again, surely?

  I’d just missed my second period, and from all the research I’d done, I should be feeling the effects if this were another ectopic pregnancy. I felt well, really well in fact. Thinking back now, I didn’t feel right from the very beginning with baby M, but this time, apart from feeling a little sick in the mornings, I felt great.

  I noticed that the ultrasound machine they’d wheeled in was the trans-vaginal kind, the same as they used on me when I was in the hospital before.

  “Is this one of them ones they put inside ya?” Sean asked, as he sat in a chair next to the bed and held my hand.

  I nodded.

  “You okay with that?” he asked while I shrugged my shoulders.

  “It’s what needs to be done. Are you okay with it?”

  He shook his head. “Not really. I hate the thought of another bloke knowing what you’ve got going on down there.”

  I couldn’t help but smile. Sean McCarthy, rock god, and lead singer of Carnage, whose face and body had graced the covers of so many magazines, often with near-naked women draped around him, didn’t like the idea of a doctor examining his pregnant Wife.

  “It’s his job, Sean. All in a day’s work. As far as he’s concerned, my Mildred is just like any other woman’s.”

  Sean smiled. “No way, G, your Mildred is fucking special. It’s small and neat and tight and perfect and its fucking mine. He better remember that.”

  I shook my head and sighed. “Sean, the man’s in his fifties. He’s not interested in my Mildred and stop saying sexy things, or I’ll get all turned on.”

  “You better fucking not.”

  The door opened and Doctor Curtis walked in. With his curly, grey hair and bright yellow bow tie, any desire I might have been feeling evaporated and the nerves kicked back in. I had a sheet over me from the waist down and thankfully nothing on show. At first, we both watched as the doctor slid a condom on the wand and then noisily squirted lube over it. I suddenly wanted to giggle, and my eyes swung across to Sean’s when he made a small sound. His lips were pursed together as he tried to contain a laugh. I narrowed my eyes at him.

  “Okay, let’s find out when this little one is likely to make an appearance. Relax now, Georgia, and just let your knees fall apart.”

  I wanted to cry. I was absolutely terrified that we were about to have all our dreams ripped away again. Sean squeezed my hand tight, and I look
ed right at him. There was not a trace of a smile on either of our faces. We didn’t look at the doctor or the nurse. We didn’t look at the screen or around the room. We just looked at each other.

  “I love you, G, so fucking much,” Sean whispered and a tear rolled down the side of my face, landing in my ear. There was a whooshing noise, and then the room was filled with the sound of our baby’s heartbeat, loud and strong, and I let out a sob.

  “There you go, right… There.”

  We both turned to look at the screen, where there appeared to be a whole load of nothing going on except for a tiny, pulsating pea, thrumming away. Our eyes were back on each other’s, and we both cried and laughed at the same time.

  “Perfect,” the doctor said, and after calling out some measurements to the nurse, he told us that our baby was due on New Year’s Eve, the same day I had told Sean that he was going to be a daddy before. We were reassured everything was as it should be and that I was about eight weeks pregnant. I was given another appointment for four weeks’ time and was told to call if I had any concerns at all. Sean and I practically skipped along Harley Street and back to our car.

  “I’m starving,” I complained as we jumped in.

  “Thought you might be. Good thing I’ve booked us a table for lunch.”

  “Really, where?”

  “An Italian place in Knightsbridge your mum recommended. I told her we were coming into town for a meeting and I wanted to take you somewhere nice for lunch because I’d been away and wanted to spoil you.”

  I grinned at him. We’d decided not tell anyone our news for another couple of weeks. After such a public loss of our last baby, we wanted to keep this one as low key as possible until we were in the safe zone at around four months.

  “I love you.” I looked across at him while he was driving.

  “You better,” he replied as he reached for my hand and kissed it.

  There was valet parking at the restaurant, and my door was opened for me before Sean got the chance to get around the car. As I went to step out, I heard him say to the valet, “I’ve got it mate, you just park the car.” He threw him his keys, and his eyes met mine as I stepped onto the footplate of the Range Rover. He took hold of both my hands while I stepped down, kissed me gently on the mouth, and then led me into the restaurant.

  We entered the reception area, and straight into Cam

  He was with a stunningly beautiful redhead and they appeared to be on their way out. Sean must’ve spotted him just as I did because his grip around my hand tightened. Cam stopped dead in his tracks, and I could feel his eyes remain on me as I moved mine away to look at Sean.

  Cam spoke first. “Sean, Georgia, how are you?”

  Sean stopped walking and let go of my hand to shake Cam’s. “Good mate, very good.”

  Sean looked across to me, I smiled and nodded towards Cam, but I couldn’t look him in the eye. Not with Sean and the redhead looking at me, so I just smiled and repeated that we were good.

  “How are your parents, Georgia?”

  “They’re good too, thanks.” I briefly met Cam’s gaze and then moved it across to the redhead.

  “Tamara, this is Sean and Georgia McCarthy. Sean, as I’m sure you know, is the front man for Carnage. Georgia’s father is an old business friend of mine, and the pair of them happened to buy my house out in Essex last year.”

  Fuck.

  “We what?” Sean gave a nervous laugh as he spoke, and Cam’s eyes flashed to mine for just for an instant as he realised what he’d just done.

  Too late now.

  Appetite gone.

  Mouth too dry to talk.

  I couldn’t move, couldn’t respond, couldn’t even think straight.

  How the fuck was I gonna explain this to Sean?

  “Well, yeah, sorry. Didn’t you know? That’s my old place you bought, hope its erm… Hope it’s working out for you there.”

  Sean was nodding as he listened to Cam. “Yeah, yeah, we love it, couldn’t be happier. Anyway, nice to see ya, mate, gotta go, tables booked, and we’re running late.”

  I smiled as best I could at Cam and the redhead, and then followed Sean and the Maître d to our table. That was when it dawned on me that this was the same restaurant Cam brought me to a long, long time ago.

  I felt like I was about to throw up.

  As soon as we were seated and Sean had ordered a double bourbon and coke, his eyes were on me, and I knew that I was in trouble. That was the problem with lies and half-truths, they always came back to bite you on the arse. Sean’s legal team had dealt with the purchase of the house. He may have signed some of the documentation, but he never mentioned anything, so I didn’t either.

  “Did you know? And don’t even think about lying to me.”

  I nodded my head and swallowed.

  “You fucking knew, and you let us buy it? You let us move into your ex’s old home. Why? Why the fuck would you do that? Why the fuck didn’t you tell me?”

  The waiter brought over our drinks. Sean drank his straight down and ordered another.

  “I didn’t know… Not at first. I looked around and loved it and then I called you. I arranged for you to come and view it. It was then that I found out, after I’d already called you and told you that I loved it.”

  “So why the fuck didn’t you tell me then?”

  I shrugged. Because I was a lying, deceitful, cheating, whore, that’s why. “You loved the place so much the next day when you saw it, that I thought it would put you off.”

  “He’s your fucking ex, G. Of course it would fucking put me off. Would you like me to move you into Haley’s house without you knowing?”

  I threw my sparkling water in his face, got up, and headed for the door.

  “Georgia, get the fuck back here.”

  The restaurant fell silent.

  “Fuck you,” I called out without looking back. On shaky legs I made my way outside.

  Cam was just putting the redhead into a taxi, so I focused my attention on the valet as he pulled up in a large black sports car of some kind. I had no idea what it was, but he got out and handed Cam the keys. I turned to the other valet and asked him to grab me a cab. I assumed that while I waited, Sean would appear.

  Then Cam was at my side. “Kitten,” he sighed out my name the way he always did. “I’m so sorry. Did I cause a fight?”

  I gave a little laugh. “it’s fine, Cam, just go.”

  His eyes looked into mine, through mine, and into me.

  “Are you sure? Do you need a lift?”

  “Cam, please, just go.”

  My chest was heaving and my voice trembled as I spoke.

  He nodded but didn’t move. I stared past him for a few seconds, and then finally, I allowed my eyes to meet his again. “Please, Cam, for me, just go.”

  He nodded and left.

  I changed my mind about getting a taxi and decided that if Sean were going to stay and get drunk, then I might as well take the car home. By the time it was brought around and I was in the driver’s seat, Sean walked out of the restaurant and jumped into the passenger side. He didn’t look at me, and we drove home in complete silence. Once we got back to the house, he headed off to the study, and I could hear him going through our filing cabinet. I left it for five minutes and then went to see what he was doing. There were papers everywhere. Sean was leaning over the open drawer and drinking straight from a bottle of Wild Turkey. His eyes came up and met mine. He looked at me with complete contempt.

  “What are you doing?” I asked him.

  “Looking for the paperwork on this place. Is his name on it? If it is, then why didn’t I spot it?’

  “His name was on it. I thought you’d notice when we signed and that you’d mention it, but you didn’t, so I just stayed quiet. It was wrong, and I’m sorry. I couldn’t be more sorry.” And it was the truth. We should never have bought the place without Sean knowing who the previous owner was. Keeping quiet was now causing more problems than speaking up would
have. It’d spoilt what should have been an absolutely perfect day, and I had no one else to blame but myself.

  “Do you have any idea how much of a cunt you made me feel earlier in front of him? Cameron fucking King—your big-time gangster ex-boyfriend?”

  I shook my head. “I’m sorry, I should’ve told you. I didn’t realise it would be so important for you to know.”

  “Don’t lie, G. This is me you’re talking to. You knew exactly how important that little piece of information would be to me. That’s why you didn’t say anything. That’s why you kept it fucking quiet.”

  I couldn’t meet his gaze. He was right. I knew Sean wouldn’t want to live there knowing it was Cam’s. I never for a minute thought that he would.

  “But what I don’t get, Georgia, what I don’t understand is, if you knew it was his house… If you knew, then why the fuck would you still want to live here? Why would you want to move into your ex-lovers home?” He took a swig from the bottle and sneered at me. “Hmm, tell me, G? Did you want to feel close to him? Is he even your ex or have you still been seeing him all these years, sneaking around behind my back? Is that baby even mine?”

  “Fuck you, now you’re just being ridiculous.”

  “Am I? Then explain to me, fucking explain to me, G, why the fuck would you want to live here?” he shouted and threw the bottle at the wall. It smashed and glass flew everywhere. I shook my head at him and turned to leave. “That’s it, fuck off, G. Walk away and go and rock in a corner somewhere. Shut it all out and make pretend it’s not happening. Ain’t that what you do best? Shall I ring Mummy and Daddy to come and pick their little princess up coz the big bad rock star is swearing and smashing the place up?”

  I kept walking. I felt exhausted, worn down by the weight of the guilt that I carried for doing what I did last year. Seeing Cam today and the panic I felt when he revealed he was the previous owner of our home, proved to me how much I loved Sean. I will never understand why I did what I did in the office at the club with Cam, but the thought of Sean hurting because of me cut me in half. I should’ve been enraged at Sean’s suggestion that our baby might not be his, but I couldn’t be. I’d no right, and as much as seeing Cam caused a little pang of something unidentified in my chest, I was able to shut it down instantly. Losing my baby was a massive wake up call for me. I loved Sean beyond measure. My life was and always will be with Sean, and I was terrified at that moment that I may have completely fucked everything up.