Carnage Boxset

by Jones, Lesley

  “Wow,” she says, “someone’s pleased to see me.”

  I shake my head at her. “Not pleased to see you, sweetheart, just missing someone else, badly.” She looks down at the floor and I wonder how many times I can insult her before she gets off her knees and walks away. I should feel bad, but I don’t. She offered. She’s the one who’s happy to be kneeling on the floor in a disabled toilet, when I’ve promised her nothing in return, so I don’t. I don’t feel any kind of sympathy for her.

  I grab the hair at the back of her head and fuck her face until I come, all the while thinking of my Kitten and how she only ever took the tip in her mouth. If I ever pushed in too far, she would gag. Even giving a blow job, she’s elegant and classy and I love the fuck out of her. She’s nothing like the woman in front of me now, swallowing my cum, with lipstick and that black shit women put on their eyes all over her face. I pull out of her mouth with a pop, wash my hands and my dick in the sink, and leave her on the floor of the toilet. Luckily, as I head back out to the lounge, first class passengers for my flight are being called to board. I get in my nice, big comfy seat and send a text off to Georgia. Fuck, I’m gonna lay my cards on the table. I’m a mug, where she’s concerned. I can’t help it.

  I love the fuck out of you.

  I will talk.

  You will listen.

  We will be together.

  I’ve waited long enough.

  No more fuckin’ around, Kitten.

  This Tiger’s about to roar.

  I hit send and have a little chuckle to myself, ‘this tigers about to roar’. What the fuck was I thinking? If Benny or my brothers see that, they’d be on the floor laughing and they would never let me live it down. Oh, well, it’s done now. Let’s see what her response is, if any. Fuck, I hope she replies, or just reads it even. I just need her to know. Fuck, I should’ve just been honest with her Saturday night instead of playing games and waiting for her to blow smoke up my arse and tell me how much she wanted me. The lack of sleep, alcohol, the release of tension from the very average blow job I received all mean that I’m out cold before the plane even takes off.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Never in my entire life have I been so happy that I’m rich. I know it’s shallow and selfish and it makes me sound like the spoilt princess I’m trying to convince everyone that I’m not, but as I lay in bed on a private jet flying me back to England, I’m over the fucking moon that Lennon used some of my wealth and booked my journey home this way.

  We’ve made two stops already over the past twenty hours and I’m now only a few hours from home. I’ve spent most of the journey either sleeping, crying or trying to work the fuck out why Cam would lie to me like that. If he knew he had a pregnant girlfriend waiting for him back in England, then why would he make all those promises to me? Was he out for revenge? Did he think I would be his bit on the side while he played happy families with his girlfriend and baby? Baby. Cam’s having a baby. Something I might never be able to give him. Something I may never be able to give anyone. And as much as I try to convince myself that I’ve now come to terms with the fact I will never carry a child again and I may never even become a mother, I haven’t. I never will.

  I tell everyone I have, but it’s a lie and it hurts. It hurts so fucking much and that makes my tears start again. I hate feeling sorry for myself. I only lost my ability to carry a baby. Sean lost his life, and it’s moments like this that I wish I had too, but I didn’t and like I told Marley on the phone, I will carry on. With the help of my family, I will move forward. I was moving forward and then I stupidly got drunk and shit faced and sent that text to Cam, and then I made the mistake of going to Sydney. Then there’s the Jodie, Roman and Cam fuck up. What are the chances of that? As my dad would say, my luck’s poxed, absolutely, fucking poxed. I’ve never really known what it means, but it seems appropriate right now.

  I draw in a breath and launch myself out of bed. I’ve faced worse in my life, haven’t handled it too well, but I’m still here to tell the tale, so I will move on from Cam’s deceit and let it be another lesson learned. Exactly like Roman not telling me about his relationship with Jodie. I’ve once again realised that I can trust no one, and that’s exactly how I plan to live the rest of my life.

  I stand in the shower on the plane, contemplating all of this, once again getting angry with myself when I cry over the fact that Cam lied to me. Despite all of my wrong doings, that’s one thing I always thought Cam and I had between us, honesty. I told him from the start that I was still in love with Sean. Okay, I didn’t tell Cam that I was also in love with him, but I didn’t realise it myself for a long time. I did tell him further down the track, and I told him again last night that I am in fact, still in love with him. Finding out he has a pregnant girlfriend hasn’t changed that fact. All it’s done is hurt me yet again. My entire life seems to consist of hurt, pain and heartache. I’m sure I can handle a little more being thrown my way.

  I step out of the shower, look at myself in the mirror and burst into tears. I’m totally kidding myself. I’m in love with Cameron King and over the last few weeks, Jackson has helped me realise that fact, and stupidly, it would now seem, I had allowed him to become a symbol of hope. I had no idea I was going to bump into him Saturday night, but I had planned on getting in touch with him once I was back in England to try to work out exactly what my feelings were for him. After seeing him Saturday and talking to him the way I did, I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I love him. I’ve always loved him. I’m one of those people, it would seem, who can love two people at once. I’ve loved Sean my entire life and I’ve loved Cam for the last twelve years. Whether it’s right or it’s wrong, it’s a fact. It must also be something in my nature that makes me unable to stop loving someone. I’ve never stopped loving Sean and I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving Cam, which basically leaves me fucked for ever loving anyone else and I hate that thought. I don’t want a life without love. There’s something in me and I assume it’s the same for most humans, that makes me want to love and to be loved. I never want to go back to the detached sex I had in my past, never. It was horrible and hurt me much more than it healed. What I had with Roman was okay. At least we connected as friends and we definitely connected physically; he was hot and just one look woke up my sleeping libido, but that’s all it was, a friendly fuck. I’ll always be grateful for the fact he helped me realise I was capable of moving on to some degree, but he’ll never mean more to me than a friend.

  I decide not to bother with any makeup because I can’t be sure that I won’t be crying again anytime soon. I put on some clean clothes, pull on a baseball cap, take my sunglasses out of my bag, and go and take my seat as we make our descent into Heathrow.

  * * *

  Jimmie and Len are at the airport to collect me. Jim and I are blubbering snot bubble blowing messes the instant we set eyes on each other. The three of us stand and have a group hug for a full three minutes before heading over to the car. Len has booked a car with a driver so we can all sit in the back and talk. I give them most of the details of my time away, but I save my adventures with Roman for when I get some girlie time with Jim and Ash.

  It’s Monday morning in England, and the traffic on the M25 is its usual nightmare. Ash has convinced Marley to go to my parents’ house with her and we are going straight there to surprise them all. My stomach begins to churn as we drive along familiar streets on the approach to my parents’ home, my home. I must become quiet as Jimmie reaches out and takes my hand.

  “You okay, babe?” I shrug. I could nod my head, but it would be pointless. She knows me too well.

  “Nervous,” I reply honestly.

  “It’s only Mum, Dad, Ash and Marley, George. You’re not going to meet the queen.”

  I turn and smile at Lennon. “I’ve met the queen twice, Len. She’s nothing compared to Mother.” He takes my hand and kisses the back of it.

  “She’ll be all right. She’s just missed ya really badly. Actua
lly, we all have.”

  I nod. “I missed all of you, too, but I just couldn’t be around here with all those stories going on.”

  “I know. I understand that. It pisses me off that they’re allowed to print all of that shit and yet don’t say a word when it’s all proved to be a load of bullshit.”

  Anxiety builds in my chest as I think about the claims and the relentless press attention and speculation. Sean’s been dead a year now and I wonder if they will finally leave me alone. I’m not famous. I was married to someone that was; that’s all. I really don’t understand why anyone would be interested in me.

  Lennon’s phone rings and it reminds me that mine has been switched off since I got into the back of the car taking me to the airport. Cam started to call me. I ignored him three times before I just switched it off. I turn it back on and it bleeps continuously as it lights up, alerting me to twenty-seven missed calls, nine voicemails and twelve text messages, but attention is taken from them to the conversation Lennon is having on his phone.

  “Well your source is wrong.” I turn to look at him.

  “No, I can’t confirm that.” His eyes are staring straight ahead and I just know that the call is about me when he turns and looks out the window.

  “I’m confirming nothing, Jules.”

  “Nope, nothing to say about that either, any more questions?”

  “Then please call the office not my mobile. I’m on holiday.” He frowns as he listens to what’s being said on the other end of the line and his eyes suddenly turn and meet mine. “Fuck off, Jules.” He ends the call just as my phone rings. It’s Cam and my heart pounds so hard I can feel it reverberate through the leather seats of the car.

  “You gonna get that?” Lennon asks. I shake my head and silence my phone. I look back at Len, who’s staring at me, but through me, and I get this horrible, icy cold sensation run up my spine. “I’m gonna ask you this once and I want you to be honest with me, George. I can’t put this right if you tell me lies.” I nod and I have a horrible feeling I know what’s coming. “Did you spend Saturday night at a hotel with Cameron King?” I want to throw up. The press and the fans are going to crucify me over this and I did nothing wrong, did I?

  I nod as Jimmie takes a hold of my hand. I swallow, but my mouth is so dry I almost choke.

  “It’s not what you think. Nothing happened. We talked. I bumped into him at a club and we were worried about being photographed together so we went back to my hotel, but we just talked, nothing else, Len. I swear. I wouldn’t have done that, not on Saturday night.” I don’t want to cry, but I can feel tears stinging the backs of my eyes. I try to blink them away and fail. I swipe angrily with the back of my hand and try to control the trembling of my bottom lip. “They’re gonna hate me for this. The whole fucking world is gonna hate me, but I swear to God, we talked and I cried a lot.” Jimmie remains silent but hands me a tissue.

  “Why the fuck was he in Australia? Why were you both at the same club? Do you realise how bad this looks? For fuck’s sake, George, I don’t know how I’m gonna make this one go away.” I cry silently as I look down at my lap.

  “She went to the opening of the club Jodie’s been working on. She wanted to stay home, but I told her to go. She went with Jackson and Brooke.” Jimmie squeezes my hand tighter as she speaks. I couldn’t love her more in that moment, my beautiful, loyal best friend. She knows me well enough to know there’s every chance I did arrange to meet Cam, that I did spend the anniversary of my husband’s death having wild sex with another man, but without hesitation, she’s got my back and she’s defending me. I’m so lucky to have her in my life. Despite the gravity of my situation, I manage a little smile.

  I look back towards Lennon. “It turns out that Cam is majority shareholder in the club that Jodie’s been working on. I couldn’t believe it when I saw him there. We chatted for a while at the club, but we knew there were a lot of press about so we managed to get out of the back doors without being seen, and because I was leaving early the next morning, we went to my hotel. I didn’t want any more to drink. I’d already had too much and Cam was worried about photographers so we just went to my room.” I shrug. “We talked. I cried. We talked some more. I got my plane back to England the next morning and here I am.” Len rakes his hand through his hair. As he lets out a long breath, he shakes his head.

  “You don’t make things easy on yourself, do ya, Porge?” I shrug and my bottom lip starts to wobble again.

  “Seems to me, don’t matter what I do, someone’s always out to make me look bad. The press are always looking to dig some kind of dirt on me and Sean, and if they can’t find anything, then they’ll just make things up anyway.”

  I wipe at my tears again. I’ve not even made it to my mum’s front door and already, everything that I achieved in the past eight weeks has been wiped away. I feel deflated and defeated and on the verge of an anxiety attack. The press are never going to leave me alone. They’re never going to just let me get on with my life. I need to accept that this is it. This is my reality and it’s fucking shit.

  * * *

  I manage to stop my tears before we pull up outside my parents’ house. Luckily, I have a great suntan, so I don’t need any makeup and I can blame my red eyes on jet lag. Lennon has spent the last fifteen minutes on the phone, talking to I assume, the press and solicitors. Jim uses her key to let us in, and the instant I take a breath in, I know I’m home. Funny how your parents’ house always smells the same, and to me, that smell means home. We tiptoe quietly down the hallway and find Mum, Dad, Ash and Marley all sitting at the kitchen bench top having a cup of tea. I’ve missed my parents. I’ve missed them a lot, but it’s Marley I can’t wait to get a cuddle from.

  “Hope there’s biscuits to go with that tea?” My dad throws his head back and laughs, instantly reminding me of Cam. I push the little stab of emotion away from my chest and watch my brother’s reaction. He closes his eyes for a long moment while my mum squeals and cries and jumps down from her stool. I watch as Marley smiles at Ash and quietly says “You knew about this, didn’t ya?” and I can’t help but smile as she nods and he reaches out and takes her hand, kisses it and says, “Thank you.” I get kisses and cuddles from my mum and dad, then Ash.

  “Look at ya, you sexy suntanned whorebag. You look like a fucking super model all brown and skinny. I wanna snog the face off ya. I’ve missed ya so much, ya bitch.” She gives me a big wet sloppy kiss. “Do not ever leave us again.”

  I shake my head. “I don’t plan to.” Although with all that’s just happened in the car, that’s probably not entirely the truth. I turn and look at my brother. I can see his eyes shining with tears. I shake my head. It’s the sob that’s trying to escape that I’m saying no to, but it doesn’t listen as I step into his waiting arms.

  “Little sister Georgia, you’ve made me cry, you cow.” I laugh.

  “Big brother Marley, you’ve made me cry, you wanker.”

  “Language, Georgia, honestly, I hope you didn’t swear like that in front of Kathy and John.” I turn and look at my mum.

  “When was the last time you visited Aus, Mum? Every other word is fuck this and fuck that. They even say shit and wanker on the radio.”

  “Well, regardless, I don’t want the rest of the family thinking you wasn’t brought up the right way.” I smile and give my mum a one-armed cuddle; the other is around Marley, who doesn’t seem to want to let me go.

  “I’ve missed ya, Mum. I’ve missed all of ya so much. It’s good to be home.”

  We all make our way into the front room and drink tea and eat chocolate biscuits and have a general catch up. Len, Ash and Jimmie head off around three to collect their kids from school; before he leaves, Lennon tells me he’s done what he can, but an Australian paper has printed pictures of Cam and I together taken in the club and has run with a story that we left together to go back to my hotel room, from where we didn’t emerge until the next morning. The story then turns into complete bullshit by
saying we then flew back to England together on my private jet. The problem I now have is explaining to my parents and my brothers what I was doing with Cam on Saturday night before the story makes the papers over here tomorrow morning.

  Bailey arrives just after Lennon leaves and as I have the members of my family who this story is going to piss of the most all together. I decide now is as good a time as any to try and explain it.

  My dad and brothers are all drinking bourbon and my mum has poured me and her a wine. I really don’t feel like a drink, but I take a long sip from the glass and instantly feel my head spin. I’ve had no food of any substance since the half a burger I ate Saturday night. If I was still in Australia it would be late Monday night by now, meaning I’ve not eaten for two days. My mum’s in the kitchen clanging about as she unloads the dishwasher so I call her in to sit down.

  “I need to tell you all something and I don’t want any of you getting pissed off or jumping to conclusions.” I look at each of the members of my family in turn. My mum crosses her legs, probably expecting the worse, my brothers all simultaneously sit back in their chairs and look at me over the top of their glasses. I smile at their likeness.

  “Saturday night I went to the opening of the club that Jodie has been working on in Sydney. I didn’t want to but Jax and Brooke refused to let me stay home on my own and curl up in bed and cry like I wanted to.” I take a sip of my wine, my eyes darting between my dad and Marley as it’s the reactions from these two that concerns me the most. “Turns out that Cameron King is part owner of the club and I bumped into him there.” My dad’s eyes widen, Marley’s narrow as he sits forward in his seat.