"Weirder Than Weird" 18 Bizarre Tales From a Disturbed Mind

by Francis Burger

While he was gone, the rest of the flock engaged in one of their deep intellectual conversations.

  “Hey, does anybody really know why we always have to fly in that stupid ‘V’ formation? It’s starting to get a little old, wouldn‘t you say?”

  “Yeah, I agree with Phil. There ain’t no law that says we gotta fly in a ‘V,’ is there?’

  “I heard that it helps us slice through the air easier,” said another. “Something to do with wind drag and all that.’

  “Is that so, professor?”

  “You guy’s are all crackers,” squawked another. “The reason we do it is because of tradition, plain and simple.”

  “I’ll tell you why we have to fly in a V,” came a voice from the back, “it’s because flying in a ‘Q’ or any other letter would look stupid, now wouldn’t it?”

  They all laughed.

  “What say we just stick to what’s got us here, fellas. There ain’t nothing wrong with maintaining a little tradition. Am I right?”

  Most honked their agreement but a small goose started shaking his head and got up from where he was sitting. He placed his wings behind him and paced back and forth as though he was about to give a locker room speech.

  “Tradition. Tradition, you say!” Well, I for one am willing to do away with tradition altogether! I want you guys to just think for a moment how boring our lives have become. I mean, we fly, we land, we eat bugs, and that‘s about…. oh yeah, and we poop. As a matter a’fact, we poop a lot! Then, of course, we start the whole predictable thing all over again. I ask you, in all honesty, does that sound like a fulfilling life?”

  He could see that his words were having some impact. Each of them was staring down at the ground in a thoughtful way and he could almost hear the wheels turning in their heads. Then someone yelled out…

  “What do suggest we do Fred, open up a small hardware store in Poughkeepsie and learn how to square dance?”

  That broke the tension and they all started laughing.

  The speechmaker looked as though he was about to continue his rant but as he glanced around he could only see goofy faces smiling back at him and he knew that it was no use. He just grunted his exasperation and sat back down with a red face. This elicited even more laughter.

  “No, no, you’re looking at this all wrong,” said another goose, standing up to make his point. “We got it made in the shade, fellas. We’re living the life of Riley here. Just think. We fly when we want and where we want. There’s no punchin’ a time clock or having to take any crap from the man. Heck, call me a fool, but I can’t see any possible downside to the life we live. It’s all gravy, baby!”

  There arose more honks of agreement and a few patted him on the back.

  “What about the inclement weather, Sid?” one voice shouted.

  “Yeah, well, I admit that the weather can be a problem sometimes, but…”

  “And the power lines. Ever fly into one of those?” said a goose, getting a few laughs as he twitched on the ground, giving his best imitation of being electrocuted.

  “Don’t forget about the jet airplanes. Getting sucked into one of those babies will get your attention real quick!”

  They started throwing out a whole list of problems:

  “What about skyscrapers?”

  “Poisonous chem trails?”

  “Predatory animals?”

  “Hunters?”

  “Disease?”

  “Lice?”

  “Carpal Tunnel Syndrome!” added another, with a giggle.

  Everyone just stared at him.

  “Alright, alright!” I get your point! Geez…now I feel like killing myself!

  The flock roared with laughter.

  At that moment an attractive young female seductively waddled her way past them and hopped into the pond. There followed the usual whistles and catcalls.

  “You know, she did that on purpose, don‘t you?” said one goose, nudging his buddy next to him.

  His friend was staring with his tongue part way out of his mouth.

  “Yeah,“ he said, “but I wouldn’t mind flyin’ behind that for a while. You know what I‘m sayin’? HIGH WING!”

  “Say fellas, how’s come we got none of them cuties in our flock?” asked a gangly looking goose, craning his neck. “It ain’t like we stink or nothin’.”

  He took a quick sniff under a wing and crinkled his face.

  “Do you really have to ask?” said another.

  “Oh, I’m sure that if we include a female or two into our little boys’ club here it would add a touch of class, but I’m telling you fellas, the whole dynamic of the flock would be changed. I can just see it now: you dunder-heads falling all over yourselves trying to make an impression. Before you know it, you’ll be bathing every other day and handin’ over your very last bug to her. And where does it all end? I’ll tell you where! Once a better lookin’ flock comes along she’ll be outa’ here so fast it’ll make your head spin. You’ll just be standin’ there with a dumb look on your puss as she flies off into the sunset, on the wing tip of a Sergio or a Kevin. No, we don‘t need no gold-diggin’ female types in this ….

  “Sounds like ol’ Pete’s been hurt, fellas. I think somebody needs a hug!”

  They all started waddling their way toward him, chanting,”Pete needs a hug! Pete needs a hug!”

  “Now, you guys just keep away from me, I‘m warnin‘ you…”