"Weirder Than Weird" 18 Bizarre Tales From a Disturbed Mind

by Francis Burger

Away from the flock, Ox wasn’t having too much luck. He approached the leader with a bit of apprehension.

  “Hey, uh…hey there, flock leader. Sorry to bother you, but me and the boys was talkin’ and we got a few grievances we’d like to lay on you if you don’t mind. So…”

  “Oh, that’s just great!” replied the leader, coming out of his sleep and looking defiant. “Let me tell you something. I never asked for this job. As a matter of fact, I remember a few weeks ago, I was just enjoying a nice pleasant nap all by myself when out of the blue I heard a noise that startled me, so naturally, I took off. Next thing I know, you and your misfit friends are following me like some kind of bad habit. I’ve been trying to shake your sorry butts off my tail ever since. So don’t you …”

  “Alright! Don’t get your tail feathers in a bunch! Geez, there’s just no talkin’ to some people!”

  Ox waddled his way back to the flock looking dejected but no more than a squat little fellow who was making his way to the edge of the group at the same time.

  “What’d you find out there, Sammy?” asked Ox.

  There was a most sour look on the face of this particular goose as he settled down into the grass with the others.

  “Well, Ox. I think we can forget about considering ol’ Mickey for flock leader.”

  “What do you mean, Sammy?” asked a goose next to him.

  The rest quieted so they all could hear.

  “Well fellas, I think Mickey’s decision making skills are a bit suspect.”

  The group pressed him for an explanation.

  “Truth is, I just saw ol’ Mick drop a turd, take a few steps forward, then backtrack.”

  “What are you sayin’, Sammy? You sayin’ that Mickey stepped in his own mess? Ha! That’s no grounds for impeachment, old boy!” laughed Ox.

  The goose swallowed hard and looked a little green under the gills.

  “Only…. he ate it.”

  There was about three seconds of silence after Sammie’s disclosure then there came a litany of “Oh God” and assorted choking and gagging noises.

  “Well, that settles it,” Ox said, turning his attention back to the flock. “We’ve been trying to get this leadership thing worked out for over a week now.” He looked at each goose long and hard. “Any of you bozos think you got what it takes to be flock leader? C’mon now don’t be shy.”

  There was a lot of shuffling and sideways glances, then all of a sudden someone shouted out, “Hey! It looks like the old boy is taking off again!”

  The flock jumped to its feet and Ox rolled his eyes. “Alright you guy’s, let’s have an orderly take off this time, and for God’s sake, show a little pride; try to stay in formation for a change!”

  “We know!” the flock shouted together, then laughed. “Be the ‘V,’ be the ‘V’!”

  You’re probably wondering what ultimately happened to our lovable flock of misfits. Well, it seems that a few days later, their despised leader flew off during the night. Ox got the nod and despite his reluctance, he took his new role very seriously. Unfortunately, later that week, he flew them straight into the middle of a hunters blind and they all ended up getting whacked.

  Of course, that’s just my version of how it went down. If it makes you feel any better, you can imagine them lying on a beach in Maui, sipping Mai Tais and watching a beautiful Hawaiian sunset. It really doesn’t matter, because after all, the whole thing’s just silly.

  You know, I’ve also been thinking lately about the squirrels I see in the park. They scurry around with so much energy, just like tiny little dynamos. They don’t appear too chatty, but I’m sure, if given a chance, they’d have plenty to say. Wouldn‘t you agree?

  Bon Apétit

  Out of the wilderness stepped two weary and frozen trappers. They trudged their way toward a group of log cabins that seemed to appear out of nowhere, like some snowy desert mirage. An old man and young boy stood just outside one of the cabins, eagerly watching as the strangers approached. The elder bent down and whispered something into the boy’s ear, then the boy took off like a shot around the corner of the cabin.

  The old man hobbled his way through the snow to greet the men. “Welcome, strangers,” he said in a weak and feeble voice. His eyes were sunken black pits and his translucent skin seemed to be stretched far too tight over a protruding skeleton.

  “You boys fixin’ to stay awhile?”

  “Just till we can shake off this chill and maybe get a decent bite to eat,” replied one of the men.

  “Well, you fellers are in luck. A good steamin’ hot bath’ll melt the freeze off yer bones fer sure. In the meantime, we’ll see what we can do about rummagin’ you up some vittles.”

  A few minutes later, the two found themselves happily soaking their tired bodies in a huge outdoor copper tub heated below by a generously stoked fire. While they were simmering away, a stream of ghost-like bodies glided silently past them, all with hollowed out eyes and slavering mouths. A few stole furtive glances at the men as they made their way inside a great log cabin located near the copper tub.

  The men spotted the same young boy they had seen earlier and called him over.

  “Say, young feller, what’s goin’ on in that there cabin?”

  The boy smiled. “Well, sir, everyone’s all excited about the upcoming feast.”

  The men looked at each other with big grins.

  “I hope y’all are aimin’ to invite us!”

  “Yes sir!” exclaimed the boy. “Why, it wouldn’t be a party without you fellers. Least ways, not an authentic Donner party.”

  “Well, don’t that beat all!” said one, turning to his partner with a gleaming smile. “Looks as though we’re gonna be the honored guests at this here shindig. In that case, I’d better get myself half ways presentable. Say, Luke, hand me over that there bar of soap you got. I plan on doin’ some serious scrubbin’.”

  The other man was holding something white to his face and inspecting it closely. “Lordy, I don’t think this here bar of soap is a bar of soap at all, Jed. Looks to me more like some kind’a tater.”

  At that moment, the old man, wielding a sharp axe, quietly approached the tub from behind, and following close by were two very hungry looking women carrying a large copper lid that fit that particular cooking pot perfectly.

  THE END

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